This. Just. Sucks.
(fyi--this is long, only peripherally a stepfamily-type issue, and includes some rather unladylike language. If that bothers you, just dont read further. But I really need to vent, canÂt do it irl, and you ladies got the short straw--)
BF has prostate cancer. F%$#.
Actually, heÂd already had a miserably sucky year so far, starting in January when a family member died unexpectedly, two weeks later a friend since childhood died unexpectedly, heÂs has some personal/financial/work-related crap to deal with, other health concerns. Now this.
Meanwhile, IÂm unhappy enough at my job that IÂve decided to quit and go back to my previous one (yes, I know IÂm lucky this is even an option). My grandmother died. My brother has had a year to rival BFs-- deaths in his family (my SILs brother and cousin), personal crap, and now a broken collarbone. My mother has developed some undiagnosed health issue that makes her pass out without warning at random times (like when driving-- sheÂs wrecked twice, the second time totaled the car). CanÂt find whatÂs wrong. A couple close friends going through some personal sh!t. There was a minute there I really just didnÂt want to answer my phone in case the person calling had some major personal problem or health scare they needed to talk about. I was feeling like IÂve done my share of empathetic and supportive for a while.
I had no idea. Frickin. Cancer.
He got positive biopsy results last week. Tomorrow heÂs going in for a bunch of testing (bone scans, ct scans, I donÂt know what all) to find out if itÂs spread anywhere or is (hopefully) confined to the prostate. Then he has an appointment late next week to get those results and discuss treatment options. HeÂs somewhat excessively (imo) protective of his privacy in normal times. So of course heÂs not telling anyone, and doesnÂt want me to, either. (so I canÂt have this little rant to anyone irl, at least not yet). I heard him on the phone flat out lie to his sister and tell her the biopsy results are fine. The only people heÂs told so far are me and (haha) his exwife. HeÂs kind of been alternating between being sort of ok and handling things at some times, and at other times, just not being ok at all. Just. Not. Hopefully once he knows more and has a treatment plan, heÂll at least start opening up to his family a bit-heÂs really very close to them (kids, siblings, mom). His daughter just moved back in with him, so IÂm thinking he at least wonÂt be able to keep it from her for too long. It canÂt be good for him to keep this from his family, can it? At least heÂs talking to me, but I just donÂt see how that can be enough. I should encourage him to at least tell his kids, if he doesnÂt on his own, right? Maybe the ex will tell them if he doesnÂtÂ
IÂm scared sh!tless for him (healthwise). IÂm worried about him (mentally, emotionally). IÂm worried about me. I feel selfish for worrying about me. I worry about us. The first thing he did after he got the biopsy results was call me up and tell me not to expect to hear from him for a while while he dealt with stuffÂ maybe heÂd call me once in a blue moon to let me know how heÂs doing. Only took him two hours to get over that and call back, but depending on how bad this gets, he might just totally withdraw, I donÂt know. Or what if he doesnÂt withdraw but IÂm the one whoÂs not strong enough to handle it? I am fÂing pissed. HeÂs too young for this sh!t. Where the he!! does this punk-a$$ disease think it gets off just waltzing in out of the blue and sucker-punching him like this? (and also I feel vaguely ridiculous for having just anthropomorphized cancer). I feel absolutely, utterly helpless about the whole situation. When heÂs having his not-ok moments, nothing I say seems to remotely help. And I canÂt fix cancer. Aarrgh. Anyone have a magic wand lying around I can borrow?
FÂk, fÂk, fÂk.
((breathe in. breathe out. ok, vent over i think))