Choosing your kids? or your partner?

CAZMAZMay 18, 2014

Hi, I just had the best relationship of my life come to a close because my partner's teenaged daughter became difficult because of my presence in their lives. To the point that she said his behavior changed because of me and she began having a serious arttitude problem, so much so he felt it was too disruptive to his relationship with his daughter to continue seeing me no matter how much he loved me, how happy we were, and how good i tried to be to his daughter.
I have tried to suggest a balance if he loves me we can find a balance and all sit down and talk...no go. i asked then to be friends because our connection was so close and wonderful i am missing his friendship. he said we could remain friends but says baby steps? its been three days since i have heard from him. and these three days have been so so hard on me. how can he stay away so easily? i am very upset i can go from having a soul mate..to absolutely nothing now and it was so black and white of an issue for him. he felt he had to choose to stop the disruption it was causing his daughter because she will always come first. at what stage is this being a good parent or just letting your 18yo teen ruin your own chance of happiness? im at a loss how to feel about this. Any contribution would be appreciated.

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sylviatexas1

Well.

I was all set to say "choose your kids, the other person is an adult & can take care of him/herself.

but it sounds like there's something here other than an 18-year-old 'child' who's having an attitude problem.

maybe another woman, or maybe the guy just doesn't have the backbone or decency to take responsibility for breaking up with you.

Wipe the dust off your dainty slippers & thank your guardian fairy angel godmother that this ended now rather than later.

I wish you the very best.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2014 at 7:43PM
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colleenoz

Totally agree with Sylvia; it sounds like you were a lot more into him than he was into you. If he had cared, he would have put more effort into a resolution that included all three of you.
I can't help but feel you've dodged a bullet there but the upside is you are now free to find someone who thinks you are _his_ soul mate.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 3:14AM
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Amber3902

"The best relationship of your life"? He hasn't talked to you for three days after breaking up with you and you're already pinning away? For how long were you with this "soul mate"?

I agree with Colleenoz that it sounds like you were more into this guy than he was into you. I might be grasping at straws here, but I suspect you were smothering him and it was more about him trying to to find an excuse to end things with you than about issues with his daughter.

This post was edited by Amber3902 on Mon, May 19, 14 at 11:03

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 9:13AM
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mayo56

Can't help but think you have dodged a bullet. This is not uncommon behavior for teenage or adult children, particularly daughters of men who are divorced or widowed. For a variety of reasons another woman in daddy's life is seen as a threat. Some men cannot set appropriate boundaries with adult children because they are afraid of losing them, or because they just want to avoid conflict so it is easier to let a partner suffer than confront a daughter or son. I'm sorry for your pain but suspect you are better off alone than with a man who can't support you or the relationship in the face of his daughter's acting out her displeasure at him having a relationship.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 1:29PM
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stepmomofthree

It's difficult to see things clearly now because you're still reeling from the pain of the breakup. However, after some time, you will see that your boyfriend wasn't sufficiently committed to your relationship to make it succeed. In order for a relationship to be successful, it has to be given priority, particularly over the demands of adult children. In the long run, you will be much happier with someone who who is able to make a real committment.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2014 at 1:36PM
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CAZMAZ

For the record i wasnt smothering him, we were very mutually in love. he wrote me love songs and would always be very affectionate. this is purely his inability to combine me into his kids lives.
Thank you so much for all your advise. I guess i have dodged a bullet really as you say. who knows what other conflict would have arrisen that he wouldnt have the energy to resolve as a family..together. and seeing as i am so easily disgarded, he obviously has issues there too with a cold side i never saw. thank god it was brought to the surface before investing more of my time or emotions on him.
Thanks again everyone.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2014 at 7:13AM
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suzieque

Best wishes to you, CAZMAZ.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2014 at 10:11AM
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catlettuce

Agree with Sylvia.

This is a blessing in disguise, believe me!

Get back out there and forget this one-it's not worth it.

~Cat

    Bookmark   June 11, 2014 at 2:22PM
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Mary Calabrese

My husband has told his sons that if they don't respect me, they don't respect him because we "are one." And they boys know that they dare not disrespect me!! I have told my husband that I'm amazed that he supports me this way and doesn't automatically side with his boys. He is confused as to why a man would do it any other way. I tell him there are women out there who would kill for his point of view.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2014 at 3:47PM
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Karen10125

I agree, your boyfriend broke up for reasons other than his daughter. He's a coward to blame her. When my husband and I started seeing eachother we both had teenagers. The teenagers came first, for both of us. I would cancel plans I had with him if something came up with my children and I think that's the way it should be. They were here first and I'm their mom, they should be my priority. But there's a fine line between that and having a life of your own. We wouldn't have let any of our kids come between us to the point of ruining our relationship. Your boyfriend does not feel as strongly about the relationship as you do. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you should move on and you'll find someone even better the next time. Take care and I wish you all the best.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2014 at 7:15AM
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CAZMAZ

thanks everyone.

    Bookmark   June 22, 2014 at 6:46PM
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CAZMAZ

had to come on here and update everyone. i had to go onto a singles website and help my long time friend set up his account and write his profile for him to land the ladies and who did i see on the dating website??? yep...wanting to meet women ages 26-49. my guess is just for the bedroom action though because relationships are too much energy. or maybe he will keep dating around until his daughter approves of one he messes with. o i felt so sorry for those poor girls on that website. u shud b able to put warnings on people in those things. funny tho. and defo good closure. u ladies were right. total chicken excuse making sack of cowardly doo doo. you all were right.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2014 at 11:28AM
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