Dealing with Bi Polar or Is it something else? Update on my DIL
I am mentally & physically exhausted, dealing with my DIL. It is truly exasperating! She is 20, so I really don't know how much is due to immaturity... I have kids 20, 21 & 23. or how much is due to her being bi polar or being mentally ill. I do believe she is mentally ill but she won't seek treatment and has her days where she's perfectly normal, pleasant, etc. & then goes off on a tirade. I also believe she is self medicating with drugs.. but can't prove it.
My son came home from his deployment for a visit in January, when my mom had heart surgery. He left early February. While he was here, they signed a custody agreement & had it notarized. She gave him full legal & physical custody. He also agreed to pay her $75 a week plus the rent (which he is obligated by being on the lease) They were not together anymore, except he spent the night with her just before he left. So, right after he left, she informed me that they had reconciled. Not long after that, my son told me he wanted me to move forward in filing the divorce. Apparently, she decided to tell him that she slept with her neighbor after he left. That has been one of the problems in their relationship, which I really try to stay out of because if they get back together, I don't want to know the details of those things because it isn't pleasant to remember everything she's done while he is trying to make things work because he wants his 'family'. He has tried to make it work several times because of his son. It's always the same thing, she is not shy about telling him who she sleeps with. She likes to hurt him and taunt him when she gets angry. Hopefully, he sticks to it this time & doesn't take her back.
Anyway, back to the problems I am having with her. Their agreement allowed her to have DGS daily from 10am-5pm so I can work. She was showing up whenever she wanted, bringing him back early & several times would take him, bring him back a few times during the day...saying she had an interview or some errand.. and leave him for a short time. I am working & fortunately, I own the business so I can keep him at her whim, but it was very disruptive & so I told her that I was going to put him in daycare if she isn't going to stick to the times. She didn't stick to the times, I put him in daycare. She threw a fit at first & I told her that she can take him everyday (per the agreement) or leave him in daycare & we can arrange a new schedule for her to see him during the week & keep him on the weekends. She agreed to let him stay in daycare.. but then started going & picking him up early whenever she wanted. She lied to them once, saying he had a doctor appointment. The daycare is subsidized and said if he is picked up early, they will not allow him to have the schedule they gave me, which will mean that he will need to be picked up early EVERY day~ so if she is picking him up early, his hours get reduced and he has to be picked up early all the time & if she refuses to pick him up on any given day, I would have to leave work to pick him up. Again, it would screw with my schedule.. because she wants to have him at her whim.
In the meantime, my son has been telling her to get a job. The baby is in daycare & she can look for a job, he said he isn't going to give her anymore money.. only pay the rent. She freaked out but at the beginning of May, I wrote up a schedule that gives her an overnight visit with DGS on Wed. and she picks him up Friday from daycare and keeps him until I am done working on Sunday. I keep him Sunday afternoon and every night during the week, except Wed. and I told her that I was going to overrule my son and continue paying her the $75 a week. (against his wishes, but in accordance with his custody agreement)
Well, in the last month.. she has shown up at my house to bring the baby at 2:30am. She knocked at the door & handed him to my other son and left. He had a runny nose & was coughing. He had been on antibiotics for several days & at 6am, DIL showed up and left the medication & left while I was in the shower. He was in daycare that day & the next day, DIL called to tell me she wanted to get him early because some of her family was in town & wanted to see him. I said fine. That was a Friday so she was going to have him on the weekend... she calls me on Saturday to tell me she is taking him to Urgent care, he is having trouble breathing. Urgent care sends her to the ER. I am at work & tell her I will get there ASAP... I am 10 minutes away when she calls me to tell me the ambulance is at the first hospital, they are transporting him to another hospital with a pediatrics ward. (the first hospital did not have a one) I tell her I will meet her at the second hospital but she says she is having the driver wait for me. I get there & she asks me to ride in the ambulance, so I leave my car & ride with DGS. She is supposedly going to follow in her car. I get to the pediatrics hospital & find out they are admitting him because he has RSV. I share my concern with the nurse that DGS has been rushed to the ER with DIL many times & wonder if she is doing something to him.. making him sick to get attention. I know there is no way to fake some illnesses, but she seems ER happy. This was the third time he was bouncy & bubbly with me just a day or two before & now he looks sickly & miserable. (I took him to ER one time after she dropped him off with me & he could hardly breathe... he had bronchitis) So, DIL finally showed up at the hospital an hour later. She didn't give a reason it took her so long, except she 'got lost'. She was acting 'high'. She told the nurse that she was staying the night with DGS (only one of us could stay) so she tells me she needs to go home & shower... says she hasn't showered in a couple of days. It's 7pm & we are about 45 min from our town, so I tell her to go now, I'll stay with him until she gets back. She leaves & calls me from downstairs... says her car is gone. She starts freaking out that her car has been stolen.... says it's my son's fault because he is not paying the insurance anymore... says she thinks she will go to jail because she has been driving without insurance... she is ranting & pacing the hospital room and plops down in the middle of the floor & starts crying. "what am I gonna do without a car?" "How am I gonna pick up the baby from daycare" "I need to go home & take a shower" "My medication is in the car" (she says she was taking medication for an ear infection... not for her mental problems) Well, my DH shows up & offers to drive around looking for it. He calls a few minutes later & says it's in the parking lot... she had forgotten where she left it. She leaves to go home & 'shower'. DH goes to get me dinner & we wait for her to get back. She shows up at 10pm (not enough time to have gone home) wearing the same clothes. I really wanted to stay but I am not going to start a scene in the hospital over who can stay, she is the mother & I figure I will let her play mommy... DGS is in a safe place. The hospital nurses & security staff have already had a taste of DIL. They give her a cot to sleep on & I tell her to call me in the morning. The next day, I go back but he's already been sent home with DIL. She keeps him until the afternoon & brings him back to me. He has nail polish on his tooth & traces of it on his clothes. He obviously got into her polish... she hands him to me & says she needs to sleep for two days, she's exhausted! Over the next few days, he seems better.. goes back to daycare & the next day is when she took him out early, saying she had to take him to the doctor for a follow up. Then, DGS started to get worse in the last few days. He has a runny nose, mucus in his eyes, & low grade fever. I decided last Wed AM to take him to his doctor. That's when they tell me he hasn't had a follow up from his ER visit. DIL had lied to the daycare to take him out early. The doctor says he is fine, he has a cold.. give him tylenol/motrin for fever & saline for his nose. I call DIL to let her know & offer to let her keep him the rest of the day, she says she is busy but will pick him up early from daycare, since he isn't feeling well. I take him to daycare... but a couple of hours later, they call DIL.. his fever is too high & they can't give him anything. Two hours pass and she hasn't shown up so they call me. DIL gets there at the same time, so she takes him with her. Daycare tells her he can't go back until he is fever free for 24 hours. She keeps him the rest of Wed. (overnight) & Thurs. She brings him to me as I am closing Thurs (telling me if he can't go to daycare, she wants to keep him)& I keep him overnight until Friday (yesterday) She comes to get him in the morning on Friday and goes into a tirade.. "I can't be expected to keep him Wed. Thurs. Fri. Sat. & Sun.... I have to have a day off this weekend to clean my house!" So, calmly I ask her if she wants me to keep him today.. she says no, she wants a day off this weekend. I said I will keep him Sunday... or Saturday... whatever is best for her. I really don't care to fight.. at this point, I want to get her away from me before I lose it. She had also brought me a bag of clothes, saying DGS had thrown up all over them. I was going to wash them since we have a laundry room at my store. She left. I was washing them & she comes back. DGS just threw up again in her car. She gives me the clothes he threw up on. She leaves again. About an hour later, she brings me a bag of clothes, saying he had diarrhea... I am getting suspicious as he hasn't thrown up at my house, hasn't had diarrhea ... why is he doing these things only at her house? But, he doesn't look bad at all when she comes by at 5 to pick up the clean clothes. She leaves. DH & I are on our way out to dinner and DIL calls me... DGS has a fever. She wants to rush him the ER. She says her (ear) thermometer is giving conflicting readings. We are a couple of towns away so I have my DD take her a manual thermometer. She gets a reading of 102 but says she already gave him ibuprophen, should she give him more. At that point, I had already told her to call the doctor...as they have answering service to see if he thinks the ER is necessary... but she needs to get his temp down. DH & I get our food to go & head home, telling her that she can bring him to the house. She doesn't want to bring him to us & says I am not a nurse.. she calls her aunt, a labor & delivery nurse. About an hour after I got home, she calls to tell me she is leaving for the ER but wants to know what I am doing to him... says he is spending all his time in my house because I took him away from her and now he is always sick and says I probably take him out at night all the time and then hung up on me.
I am to the point of telling her "fine, he is YOUR baby. You keep him & take care of him. He doesn't qualify for any daycare because he gets to go there now, because my husband & I (his primary caregivers) are both fully employed and need daycare. If he's with his mother that is unemployed, no daycare. and she can go on welfare, they can get an order of child support and I will pay it from my son's wages." or telling her that I am taking her to court for guardianship & she can see him on a supervised basis. I believe he gets sick more when he is around her, but now she is blaming me... I know she doesn't want him full time & if I back off, she will either ask me to take him or CPS will take him from her. I am just beat down in dealing with her. My DGS is suffering and it's WORSE than anything I have ever dealt with.. BM is peach pie compared to my DIL.