My bf won't stop catering to his Ex-Wife!

cipota3May 10, 2010

So here is the story... I have been with my bf for about 5yrs already and living together for about 3yrs. He sees his 2 kids(9 and 14) every other weekend and every Thurs. He just seems to always cater to his Ex-Wife. I used to work with his Ex-Wife and she feels that even though they were already going through a rocky marriage and divorce that I was the cause of the divorce. Well here we are 5 yrs later and I am not allowed to attend any of the kids school functions or birthday parties or allowed to tell them to clean up after themselves in my own house (per her request). At the beginning I allowed it so that the kids wouldn't have a hard time. But the kids know me now, and I feel he just keeps catering to his ex's wants and needs. His oldest is graduating from HS in which there will be a big party at a banquet hall. He is paying half if not more and allowed to invite his friends and family. Shouldn't I be allowed to go? His answer was that he wants me to go BUT that her friends will be there and be putting things in her head. Really? Who cares, she needs to grow up and realize that I am a part of his life and their kids life too. Am I right?? What do I do?

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I want to start off by saying, Please do not take this as me being rude. With that being said, you are in a tough situation, one that obviously isnt getting any better for you. You asked "shouldnt I be allowed to go", in all honesty if you have been with him for five years living together for three and have not been allowed at any other school functions or birthdays, then no. It sucks, you have had a hand in these kids lives for many years, but in all reality it's their parent's decision. If they have agreed on your not being a part of those activites and you have stuck through it, then now is probably not the best time to rock the boat, so to say. Now, as I said it's not fair. But you see the problem/problems and you know it isnt fair to you. Things do not normally "get" better, if he is allowing her to still control things in a home you share, dont look for it to stop. Sit down with him and explain that there needs to be some deeper communication between you and him, if he still continues to cater to her, then you need to reconsider your relationship with him. Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 10:50AM
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When was this "rocky marriage and divorce" finalized? My Xs SO was involved with my during my marriage. Marriages can get rocky. Doesnt excuse any behaivor. I dont care how much my X pays for any parties for my DD, his SO, will not be welcome. And he's smart enough to know that he ever tries to bring SO, that'll be the last function that is shared, and will likely be the last function that his kid wants to come from.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 10:50AM
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Without influence from BM or BD how the graduate feel? In my opinion that is what should count. That said I doubt you could ever get an answer without the influence that has been placed on the children.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 10:55AM
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Irregardless of why the marriage ended, he has decided what he is going to do... he is not going to stand up for you. He hasn't for five years, it does not sound as if he ever will. You are wasting your time.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 11:44AM
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what ima said;
throw this guy back & try for something better.

I'm sorry.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 2:04PM
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"Shouldn't I be allowed to go? His answer was that he wants me to go BUT..." he's not going to invite you because it's not a priority.

If that's ok with you, all is good. If it's not, you need to tell him.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 2:29PM
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I don't know why you allowed this to go on for 5 years!! I could see for the first year of a relationship not being around the guys kids. But after 5 years, 3 of which you lived with him and saw his kids in your home often!! I think it is enough already!!!

If this guy is serious about you he should stand up to his ex and allow you at the kids functions with him. Though if you have been together 5 years and he is not doing so and has not married you I see red flags. Sounds like you are good enough to live with and do married things with, but not good enough to bring to his kids functions.

I would sit down and have a long talk with him about where the relationship is going and let him know how much this hurts your feelings. If you are a part of his life you should also be allowed to be a part of his childrens lives. If he is not going to allow you to do so then I would honestly leave and find someone else!

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 2:45PM
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This is a matter of respect and acknowledgement. How long will you allow yourself to be treated as the Invisible Woman? After 5 years, no matter what happened you should be "allowed" to attend family functions and a graduation party is a family function.

Since you have to ask this question, it's pretty obvious where you stand with BF. Is it comfortable to you? Is he afraid of her? Afraid of his kids? Afraid of them all? Ugly questions but real.

If his ex has this much control over him and thereby your relationship you deserve better, anyone does. These challenges are really all about backbone.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 2:54PM
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or allowed to tell them to clean up after themselves in my own house (per her request) I tell the freakin' neighbors' kids to clean up after themselves if they make a mess when they are here! Your BF needs to grow a set, to be crass.

I'm sorry but I agree with the other posters; you need to either move on or realize that he will always have a major part of his life in which you are not included, and accept that.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 3:13PM
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I am not ... allowed to tell them to clean up after themselves in my own house (per her request)

That would have been the deal breaker for me three years ago when you moved in together. What made you suddenly decide not to put up with it anymore?

You are either an important part of your BF's life or you're not. If you are, then you are also a part of his kids' lives, and as an adult, have a right to enforce certain (reasonable) behaviors within the confines of your home. And as a part of their lives, you should be sharing in the joys and celebrations.

OTOH if, after five years, he DOESN'T feel you are important enough to include in all aspects of his life, including what may very well be the most important - his kids, then maybe it's time to re-examine the relationsip all the way around, huh?

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 4:03PM
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sometimes women assume they are in serious and commited relationship while men see it a bit differently. if in 5 years you weren't allowed at family events then he sees you as a casual grilfriend, live-in friend with benefits or whatever else but certainly nothing too serious. sometimes even living together does not mean much, roommates share the house too. Move on. this relationship is going nowhere.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2010 at 4:45PM
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You have to ask yourself what kind of relationship you want. If you're happy to have a casual relationship, and keep your distance from the kids and the ex, then you're better off avoiding these family events with all the messy issues. Believe me, there are many women on this board who wonder if they shouldn't have chosen that route!

If, however, you and your boyfriend want to be a family, then you need to share all the normal family occasions and the rest of the family needs to welcome you.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2010 at 12:13AM
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Sounds like he's much more afraid of upsetting her than he is of upsetting you...

If you're a kind, reasonable, low-confrontation person, it's easy to be ignored in favor of a high-maintenance drama-queen. So I'd choose a calm, quiet time, and in a very calm, kind and deadly-serious voice tell him that you've had much more than enough, and that starting now, if he disses you in favor of BioMom, there will be HE!! to pay in your home. Tell him that until now, you've made it easy for him to disrespect you, but from now on, it'll be a lot easier for him to disappoint her than you. That if he 'doormats' you again, there will be yelling, screaming, tears, breakage and men's clothing thrown out of windows and onto the front lawn, not to mention no loving, no cooking, and no free child care. Any questions?

    Bookmark   May 19, 2010 at 4:56PM
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Wow. I dont understand the double life issues. Your good enuf to sleep with and care for the kids in private. But not good enuf to attend functions.
Course it sounds like you were involved in some dirty goings on in the end of his first marriage. His fault, you werent married to ex. But when you lay down with dogs you get fleas or treated like a dog. If you dont have kids with him, cut your losses. You are being crapped on.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2010 at 11:12AM
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