Weird feeling

lovehadleyMay 12, 2009

I found out that my DD's *father* (sperm donor) had ANOTHER baby girl.

He already has an older DD. She is 3 yrs older than my DD. He is *pretty* involved with her, at least he was when I was around. I do know her mom married, had two more children, and moved about 45 mins away, so not sure how often he sees his oldest DD...but I heard at one point that it was about 10 days a month. Who knows what it is now, though. It could be nothing or way more, for all I know!

I talk to his youngest sister (she is 20) VERY occasionally, and she will mention stuff like that. (We talk via email a few times a year.)

ANYWAY, yesterday was my DD's 7th birthday and I got an email from her aunt wishing her a happy bday.

She had attached a pic and I opened it and it was a pic of a baby girl, about 2-3 months old. She said it was "sperm donor's" newest addition.

goodness! I didn't really know what to think.

Three girls, three different mamas...oh my.

It kind of bothered me for a moment and I don't even know why?

Oh well. I am over it now!

But so weird!

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Well, its another child from another woman....yah i think i understand. You feel a betrayl he has another child with another woman. i guess bm feel this when ex hubby remarries. I know my dh's ex hates my child..yes i will use that words. She doesn't even wnat to look at him and gets really snappy at her kids when they get excited when he's around in front of her. So i do my best not to have my son anywhere near her.
BUt, here's a quick question...
Do you loveH, have any contact with the other older daughter???? she's your daughters half sister....would you try to get them to know one another or would her mom want no part?
Cause to me it a shame if half siblings would not know one another or even try...its nice to know you are not have a connection to someone...even if its only with one parent.
Heck my father adopted 2 girls overseas and i dont have anyway to contact them...i would love to though.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 10:42AM
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I don't know...the whole child from another woman thing doesn't bother me. Seriously, I have NO feelings for DD's bio dad. Kind of embarrassing to admit---I was in college when I met him, and it was a total summer fling type deal. Met him at this lake in Idaho--everyone was boating, partying,ec. I was 20. We were together for 6 weeks (EEEK!) and then I got pregnant.

It was just a total mistake (the relationship, not my DD) from the get-go. I was halfway through college, he was 23, not working, had a child already, lived at home, etc.....AUUUGHHHH, what was I thinking?!!!

Anyway, we lasted about 7 months and called it quits.

It's been 7 long years, no feelings there.

It more irritated me for a split second that he has another kid? Not sure why.

As far as his older DD I do not have any contact. I have tried a few times. When my own DD was about 1 yr old, I called the older DD's mom, we talked a bit, and she said it was too hard for her to talk to me because SHE had to maintain a relationship with bio-dad b/c of THEIR daughter. (In so many words, I think she was saying that he would be angry if she and I talked?)

I sent her a friend request and a message on facebook about a year ago, and she never responded and never added me as a friend.

I have no plans to push the issue anymore. Truthfully, my DD doesn't even KNOW she has an older half-sister and I don't plan on telling her until she is much older. I don't see that it would do anything but cause her to have weird feelings at this point. She is 7 and I don't know how she would process that iformation?

His whole family is wacky. I used to send pics via email to his mom all the time when DD was 1, 2, 3ish and she would NEVER respond. I sent framed pics to his mom at Christmas a few years in a row, and got no response. No phone calls, nothing.

I don't bother anymore.

When DD is older, if she wants to pursue a relationship with his family (her family), that can be her choice.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 11:14AM
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It is probably irritating that he doesn't see or take care of his DD with you... then goes and has another one. It's just not fair. It's even more unfair if he is involved with his other kids' lives and not your DD.

If it's possible to encourage a relationship between half siblings, it can be a good thing, depending on the other mom. It can also be a stressful bad thing if it causes anxiety or jealousy because dad is more involved with one than the other. I would want to shelter my child from watching their dad have a relationship with a half sibling but not them. But, I would want them to know each other if it's possible.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 11:17AM
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Frankly, he sounds like a bee pollinating flowers, and I can see why his lack of responsibility and accountability would annoy you. Then there's also the 'diminishment of resources' angle. Not like he's doing much now (anything?) -- but there's always this little idea that maybe your daughter has some share of his emotional energy, and that now it has been split again.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 11:43AM
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"It more irritated me for a split second that he has another kid? Not sure why."

I think I would be irritated, too, if each of the babies was from a different mother and they just kept popping out... Just kinda smacks of a general instability with relationships and a lack of "follow through". It would make me concerned for how "there" he could really be for my own kid, especially because from the sound of it he doesn't seem able to handle the day-in day-out drudgery of sticking by anyone's side very long.

However, another way to look at it regarding your daughter's potential emotional response is that at least all the half-sibs are on a more-or-less "equal" footing in that there's not just the ONE who is the dangling outsider in a big brand new clan. I would think that would be hard on the only child from a previous relationship to have a bunch of cohesive half or step sibs who way "outnumber" him/her and who all live together as a happy family to which the only child is like a visitor (I suspect this could be a factor in nikemama's SS's underlying issues). That would be rough, even though for the rest of the blended family that stability and cohesiveness is a positive thing. But for the lone outsider who feels left behind it has to be pretty scary and lonely. So I guess what I'm saying is that the UPSIDE of your daughter's father's instability is that your daughter at least won't feel like the ONLY child who doesn't fit into a big new blended family.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 11:55AM
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"Not like he's doing much now (anything?)"

Nah, he doesn't do anything. Last time he saw DD she was 7-8 months old. She is 7 years old now!

It's fine, really. She went through a phase in kindergarten where she asked lots of questions about him, why doesn't he see her, why doesn't he want her, etc. Very tough and I consulted a child psychologist. DD never met with him but I did, and we discussed age-appropriate responses for me to give her.


DD: "why doesn't my dad want to see me?"
Me: "your dad doesn't know you. If he knew you, he would love you and want to see you."

DD: "why does my dad live so far away?"
Me: "when you were born, mommy was very young and in college and wanted her family to be around to love you and help take care of you. We decided it would be better for you and I to live in Missouri where we could have a family that loves us and helps us."

Yeah, I don't have a problem with DD having a relationship with her half-sister. I used to REALLY want that. I don't so much anymore--well, not that I DON'T want her to, but I am just not in the mindset where I am going to push it at all.

If DD ever asked me point blank "do I have any siblings" I would answer truthfully.

But if she doesn't, I probably won't bring up her half sisters' existence until she is much, much older. It is so hard to predict though. Who knows? She might want to pursue a relationship with her dad when she is 15, she might not have any interest at all, she might not want to until she is in hard to say!

She does call my DH dad more often than not these days. There bond is growing stronger and stronger.

It is just so hard to predict because people react differently to situations. Will she want a relationship with bio dad? maybe. Will she not want a relationship with him? maybe.

I don't worry/stress about it because there is nothing I can do, and either way, however it plays out in her future, she will be happy and fine. :)

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 12:13PM
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"Yeah, I don't have a problem with DD having a relationship with her half-sister. I used to REALLY want that. I don't so much anymore--well, not that I DON'T want her to, but I am just not in the mindset where I am going to push it at all."

My husband's father was a bit of a ladies' man... Ran through five (maybe six) wives and had eight children (that we know of) before he finally ran out of steam. Hubby's Mom was the longest marriage at about 15 years and four kids. So Hubby has four half-siblings from two other mothers. It wasn't until Daddy-Dearest died that he even met three of them -- until he even found out about the fourth! Was he missing anything? After meeting the three we've met so far, I'd say not much. His one half-sister seems nice enough, but she's 20-something years younger and lives 500 miles away. The older half-brothers have serious Daddy-issues (can't blame them), and their mother still speaks reverently of their father (WTF?) The one we haven't met falls between the half-brothers and their sister in age (oops!), and they say she's nice, so we'll take their word for it. The one thing we all have in common? The conviction that Dad was a MESS, and a real disappointment as a person.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 12:36PM
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