Counting down... 2 weeks to go...

poppingraysMay 8, 2009

HUGE blow up with SD-18 this morning. All started because I found a note from her boyfriend about how he wanted to share his "sweet, new, glass bong" with her. I honestly don't remember EVER being stupid enough when I was that age to put incriminating evidence in writing... duh!

Afterwards, I get the "you shouldn't be going through our private things" speech from BOTH my son-15 and SD. I reminded them as long as these things were IN MY HOUSE they are not private! And if I was never given a reason to be suspicious in THE FIRST PLACE, I wouldn't have to go snooping through their stuff... Teenagers.. AAHHH CRUD!

Of course, this whole situation is compounded by the fact that SD wants everyone else to take care of her responsibilities, won't get a job, keeps bumming money from whomever will give it to her, wants all of her unnecessary graduation expenses to be paid for by us and continues to date this "loser" whom she thinks she can change by the power of her love... HAH!

Sooo, after the confrontation, SD gives me the blank silence, the "whatever, cause I'm 18 and I don't care attitude" and then says that I won't be bothered by her anymore in 2 weeks anyway cause she's moving in with BM. Well, my response was "thank God for that!". After I'm in the car, taking the kids to school, I get a nasty text from DH saying I was wrong for saying to her what I did... although I keep hearing from him that he's as frustrated with his daughter's behavior as I am! Yet when I have an emotional incident concerning his "baby" I'm always the one who is wrong.

I'm so done, so weary, so counting down the days until she leaves. Tired of arguing, tired of caring, tired, tired tired...

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Well mmmm...i can understand your frustration and understtand this situation on multiple levels.
1. I'm not sure i agree with you 100% about the privacy issue. BUT i can understand that you suspicions were founded. drugs eh??
2. With that attitude i would also count the days.
3. Completely taken aback from dads' perspective. I understand how he can be upset with you saying that to his baby. BUT and here is the big BUT, WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING ABOUT HER DRUG HABIT??? I WOULD BE MORE CONCERNED WITH THE LOSER BF SHE IS DATING AND THE DRUGS SHE IS DOING MORE THAN THE ATTITDUE YOU GAVE HER.
That being said, i'm led to believe that daddy dear has turned his eyes upwards and has not faced her drug problem head on.
And of course sd must be going to mom's cause mom and her are best friends and most likely will smoke it up together and she probably allows her to get it on with her bf there too. AM i right? Am i wrong to presume this or have this idea after reading your post?
And yah, i also understand that your son 15 is defending her because hey, he's a teen and lives under your roof. Hope he's not a pot head either.
Again on your hubby, tell him it was an emotion fight out between his adult daughter and you concerning that lovely drug confirmation note which i hope you kept! and that it was said in a moment of anger. BUt that he should be more worried about the drugs more than the words that were exchanged.
Confirmation of drugs....duh!!!
p.s Let yoru dh dish the cash her grad dress and when she is finally out of the house, i hope she gets a job cause i'm sure her mom in the long run will not appreciate a person bumming off of her either.

You know we love our kids, but in the end, we want them to be responsible selfsufficient human being. No one likes a leech. I have my best friends son who is 18. No job, cause he can't keep one. i'm not day and he's fired! Yup they think he's useless....and his attitude doesn't help. His own dad gave him the boot. He tried for 7 years to raise him properly ..but hope for this one.
ANd he is such a mommies boy....even my friend's sister is so beside herself she moved out of the house for 3 months and stiffed them with the rent cause he wouldnt' get a job.... i dont know if she's back yet.
Just try to mend things with hubby dear and i am sure things will improve with sd being out of the house. And then you'll have your son to deal with :)

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 12:30PM
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You forgot that 18 year olds know everything! Plus they are NEVER wrong! Hahahahaha!
That is how sd moved out of our house, back to his moms. He could come and go as he pleased there, have girls in so he could have sex anytime he wanted, do his drugs, drink, etc.
That was way more "fun" than living under our roof with all our "crazy" rules. LOL

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 1:57PM
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organic maria,

Yes, the drugs have been an ongoing issue with SD this past year. She's been tested multiple times through the school and has been positive multiple times. SD continuously tries to deny using! The school has also tested my son, (because of his step-sis), but so far, no positives on him, praise God!

DH has done very little to address SD's drug problem. He seems to belive that it's just a passing fancy and she'll get over it once she goes off to college. He's done a bit of grounding and taking away of priveledges, only to give them back cause she whined and moped around long enough. I feel that he only punished her to please me, that he really didn't want to. Now DH is in the mind set that she's only going to be with us a couple more weeks, so why upset her about anything? I understand that, but at the same time, should we REALLY just look the other way?????

Here's the REAL kicker. BM is graduating college this year with a degree so she can work with addicted teens! She thinks once SD comes to live with her that she's going to "fix" her problems. This is the same BM that handed off this child at age 8 to her Dad and I because BM thought she was too "high maintenance"! BM has spent the last 10 years spending one weekend every-other-month with her daughter. Now all of a sudden she's gonna "fix" her. SD and BM have never had what I consider a very close relationship, and not because SD didn't want one. It seems SD's attitude has gone in the toilet (at least toward her Dad and I) since BM has FINALLY begun showing interest in her again. It should be an intersting summer...

I am frustrated that DH is more worried about me hurting SD's feelings than about her drug problem. It may not be heroin or meth now, but it could easily become that with time. Oh well, guess BM can "fix" all that for her...

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 2:21PM
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Poppin', I am sorry, but your dh sounds like an a**hole. How the heck does he get off texting you about the way you talk to her?!! He obviously doesn't say "Boo!" to her. Has not heard that there are two sides to every story?
Two weeks my a**. So he thinks this drug thing won't be his problem after that???? That is just sick lazy parenting right there.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 2:38PM
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wild thing

I do have to defend my DH because he's a good husband/man in general. He weakness is, and always has been, his daughters. He's spent his life parenting with a guilt mentality, beleives he's never done enough for his kids.. and I'm not exactly sure why. Those girls have gotten a lot more love & encouragement from their dad than most kids could ever dream of. The problem herein, lies in what I just stated, though. They get too much of the powdered sugar and not enough of the vinegar from him.... And he's definately not that way with my son (his SS)....

I know SD's drug problem won't magically disappear when she moves out. I know that BM isn't capable of "fixing" her. I'm not looking forward to my husband's melt-down when SD does finally leave, but I'll be there for him. Thanks for all the replies... It does really help to get some objective views.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 4:31PM
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I hardly think the advice here is objective. A number of issues --

1. Should you have gone through SD's private things?

2. Even assuming answer to question 1 is yes, should you have read the note (and btw I didnt even know kids wrote notes anymore)?

3. Should you have taken action without consulting DH? Or should have waited and reached a mutual decision. Understand we are not talking about illegal drugs in house, but a note. What happened to SM and dad being a team? Is that only when Dad does what SM wants?

He may have been frustated, and he may have agreed with you, but I think you made some questionable decisions, and didnt give him a chance to discuss.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 6:46PM
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Should you have taken action without consulting DH? Or should have waited and reached a mutual decision. Understand we are not talking about illegal drugs in house, but a note. What happened to SM and dad being a team? Is that only when Dad does what SM wants?

Ok, i have to agree with this. If i find something out about my sd, I ALWAYS wait to talk to dh, and most of the time I just bring it up as an issue, I am not the one doing any confronting unless necessary.

Poppin, you can defend your dh all you want, but the fact remains that he caters to his dd, and puts your feelings on the back burner when it come down to you or her. That situation could have been handled differently on both sides.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 2:43AM
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I do tend to agree with others about consulting your dh but at the same time given the info you gave that he has not stepped up to the plate , he punishes her for the sake of your feelings and basically parentng out of guilt all these years, i can understand you took the initiative righ there on the spot since she was caught red handed with solid proof of drug use. Even though there are multiple positive tests results from school.
So from day to day life i would be uncomfortable snooping in any ones room whoever they are....because i would not want it done to me. BUT drugs are involved, trust is lost, she is an individual that is financailly dependant on you and your hubby.
And in the famous words my father said, you dont like it, move out and get a job!...and looking back...i have to agree now. You are under somoene roof. You have to respect their rules and have mutual trust. Its been broken on both sides. By you and by sd.
I see your husband wont do anything so hopefully mom does finally 'fix' her. Since she has a degree in this area. You husband cannot be a team player with you because he doesn't want to do right by his daughter.

But my gut feeling tells me, her and mom wont hit it off well and she will run away with boyfriend...well..not run away. She's a legal adult. she will just move out.
I agree with wild thing totally. Your dh does put your feelings on the backburner and caters to his daughter. tisk, tisk, it will be her undoing.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 7:08AM
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Excuse me, there was no positive evidence of use of drugs. There was some evidence that BF wanted to share drugs with SD. There were certainly no drugs in house (as mentioned in original story).

There was no need for immediate on the spot intervention. And now SD is moving out and SM is happy - do you wonder why Dad is upset -- he didnt have a vote in this and now his DD is mvoing out.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 8:10AM
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Poppin how did you find the note.?

Fact: school has tested Sd for drugs on numerous occasions and she ws found positive. And Bs was tested in light of that info and thank GOd is negative.

And did you force her out or did she leave because she is 18 and says she can do what she wants?

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 1:03PM
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I think SM should consult with dad prior to searching for anything, if SM accidentally came across a private note and it sounded alarming she had to consult with dad. Of course dad is upset that such actions and decisions took place behind his back.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 4:54PM
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If sm sees dad does nothing over this for the past 3 years or so and if sm knew she was leaving in 2 weeks anything and stayed out of it for so many years and said nothing and saw the chance to finally say somehting regardless if dh is angry and she has consulted him on numerous occasions and he has done nothing, then no, i would go ahead a rip one through her. She's an adult . says she's an adult now cause she is 18 and she can do what she wants. Then handle a grown up arguement and dotn whine about it. Accept the fact that she is a druggie and irresponsible individual and is selfish and cares about herself , her boyfriend and her bong!
If i was in the that situation, sorry, my dh not diong anything for years, bm bing out of the pic and now sd turning 18 and turning around and saying she cando what she wants cause she is an adult???? You better believe i'ld rip into her with that attitude and that situationand then i'ld rip a hole through my husband for being weak and sentimental and not stepping up the plate like he should have done over the years.
BUt, me, i would have ditched him years ago if he was donig this to his kids.....i dont agree if mydh doens't take responsibility.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2009 at 7:37AM
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Well, I think the dad can be upset with sm, but he doesn't have to be a dick about it. Have a freakin conversation for goodness sake! Don't just fly off the handle and act like an a**. His daughter is already 18 and doing drugs and plans on leaving in a few weeks, makes no difference what happens in that home at this point. SD's mind is already made up. This was probably a long time in the making, not just something that came up that day. @@
If her dh doesn't give a crap if his dd is on drugs, then so be it. You can't make him care, or pull his head out of the sand if that is what he wants to do. I still think he sounds spineless, because he can get pissed at the sm, but won't sit his spoiled rotten dd down and tell her to start acting like a grown woman!

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 2:15PM
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I don't normally go through my SD's private stuff. She happened to leave her school agenda laying on the computer desk in the living room, so I picked it up and went through it. Yes, we've had plenty of proof (positive drug tests) that she uses, so I don't think it was so terrible that I thumbed through her agenda and found the note. I talk to my DH all the time about his girls, and not just negatively!

I have raised this girl for the last 10 years, probably more so than her father, so I certainly don't feel badly about how I found the note. Bottom line, she is 18, we are financially supporting her, and she's expected to follow the rules. I would react the same toward my son in the same situation. Yes, DH should have reacted differently given the history of the situation, he was just being knee-jerky and protective.

Less than 2 weeks to go....

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 9:09AM
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And yes -- you should have spoken to him.

I feel for kids when people so badly want to get rid of them.

And if you raised this child for 10 years -- don't you feel some resonsibility?

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 9:18AM
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the one thing i cna't stand is someone who twists words.
poppin is not getting rid of her stepdaughter.
Her stepdaughter is 18 and HAS DECIDED HERSELF to leave because she is not follwing the rules.
if i was in poppins situ and raised this child for 10 years and mommy dear F'd off a long time ago , then yes, i was responsible for the child for 10 years , tried to raise her as best as i could and it looks like dad did sweet F all and encourage his daughter to do drugs by not being tough on her. so now that she is 18, SHE feels she is old enough to do as she pleases.
"Sooo, after the confrontation, SD gives me the blank silence, the "whatever, cause I'm 18 and I don't care attitude" and then says that I won't be bothered by her anymore in 2 weeks anyway cause she's moving in with BM"
Here kkny, the sd is leaving by her own accord to her mothers. She had already plan to leave after she was 18. SHE made the decision. Sheis not being thrown out.
SHe does feel responsible, she told her off. That shows she cares! I would also say things if i cared. The day i say nothing and then say just leave is the day i dont care.
Poppin, regardless of what we say, dont worry about others who put you down. You have raised her for 10 years now. Loved her as your own, spent money and time on her. No one can take that away. She has a drug problem. She is going to bm...good luck for her to get clean. and dont let anyone tell you other wise. It sounds to me your hubby didn't stand up to the plate all these years and was an enabler for his daughter. There are many fathers who do this out of guilt. unfortanately the kids pay for ultimate price for this type of raising when involved in drugs.
But hey, you did your best. If she winds up pregnant and infected with some sort of std, you can't say you didn't try eh?
She is now going to bm who has been out of her life for over 12 years....let her fix it.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 9:33AM
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OF COURSE I feel responsible! That is why I reacted that way. I DID talk to DH before I confronted her. She got mouthy with me and I reacted to that. Don't, for one second, think that I want to get rid of her. I bend over backwards for this girl and I love her as if she's my own! DH and I are both tired of the DRAMA, tired of trying to reason with her and guide her only to be totally ignored because she thinks the grass will be greener at BM's house. We've told her time and time again that we want her to stay and that she's welcome to come back BUT she must have a job and she's not to bring "druggie" boyfriend around the house. kkny, I'm not the step-monster you keep seeming to make me up as... I don't understand why you are so reactive about this...

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 9:37AM
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Gee poppins -- its taken you a lot of posts to say you did talk to DH first -- somehow stories always seem to leave out facts.

When you title a post -- counting down -- 2 weeks, I think you have made your feelings clear.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 9:43AM
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Poppin, dont get over worked with kkny. She's made it very clear to all on this forum she does have issues with SM's . She has made it out on numberous occasions to take one line and twist it and stir up the pot on this forum.
There was even on blog completely dedicated to shooting her down.
Yes she is a human entirely entitled to her opinion but for the most part the tends to put down many sm on this forum and that they 'have their place in life'
Hate to break ti to you. Reality. Dad has remarried and we all have our places . Evne stepkids. And they are not special. They are like any other kids with their own sets of problems.
Sm are not evil.
We are not out to get skids in any way.
You can blow off yoru horn till you are blue...
There are many sm onthis forum who care love and cherish their skids. Just like poppin here. I even do care for my skids...even though i get very angry at them at times. I get pist off at my own child as well.
2 weeks has made her feelign quite clear. SHE AND HER HUSBAND ARE FED UP but have left the door open for her. She is clearly making her own decision here.
So stop accusing sm here of not caring. We are here to vent our frustrations. Not to chain up our skids. We are here to vent as parents in all shapes and sizes.
Look at the facts.
1. SD is 18
3. She has a druggie boy friend who is not welcome in the house...hope mom locks him out as well
4. She has typical teenage attitude...not because she is a stepchild but because she is 18 and knows it
You obvious have something personal going on right now....cause for a few months you were pretty fair and nice....and in the last 2 weeks your nasty side has come out? Are you ok? Are you frustrated with somethign you are not talking about ?
Are you pist off at SM in yoru situation???? i kow your hubby cheated on you...completly understand that situ.....but why are you so negative at times.?
I get emotional too...but lok at poppin facts here. How would you handle a druggie who doesn't want help. Is leaving your house, disrespects you.You've spoken toyour husband and he does nothing or can' t do anything?
So are you going to be looked at as a monster??????
Why do youtreat others like this?

p.s poppins..i really hope your sd does get some help. My niece went from pot to cocaine. She was put in rehab by her dad and mom. Both divorced but same situ as you exactly. turned 18...had a druggie boyfriend from 16...and things just accelerated...1000$ car ticket. Caught driving drunk.....10,000$ ina rehab for 3 think dad is proud???

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 10:21AM
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organic maria

Thank you for being an excellent voice of reason here. It is very much appreciated.

I didn't walk into the step-parenting position just yesterday, the girls have been in my life the past 15 years. I have helped raise them, been financially and emotionally responsible for them, everything that a parent should do, I've done! Now I'm trying to cope with the 18 yr. old SD and her current problems. If I didn't care, would I even be seeking opinions from others? Nope, would've told her to go away a long time ago... I want her to get help and get off the drugs!

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 1:46PM
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No problem!
i think if everyone walked a mile in some elses shoes they wouldn't jump so quickly in accusing SM here of hating or interupting the relationship with daddy and kids.
ANd we have to look at the fact computers are very limited. You can't look at a situation in depth over a few paragraphs either.
And i do see you telling her off as a caring act. I even said if i didnt' care i would have told anyone to shove off and leave me alone and nto waste my breath.

Well in a few days she will be off. You and hubby can take a break but im sure her mother will be phoning your dh soon enough. i just cannot understand that if she couldnt' handle her in the past, just because she got a degree now she thinks she is capable???? jShe's biased...its her own daughter...i dont believe it will go over well...just a gut feeling.
I'm sure she will have rules over at her house....lets see what unfolds...

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 1:54PM
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Oh... and just an example of my DH's parenting techniques... He and I BOTH agreed that the "druggie" boyfriend was no longer welcome at our home and would not be allowed to come to SD's graduation party because it's at our house. DH told his daughter this himself! I find out today from DH that he turned around and told her it was O.K. for "druggie" boyfriend to come to the party, afterall. When I asked DH why, he replied "because it's HER graduation party"... like that was supposed to answer my question... He flip-flopped yet again...See what I mean about my DH and his weakness? Wonder why I count the days? I'm fighting a losing battle here.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 1:57PM
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i would be LIVID. I was livid in april and my husband got it badly from me. I basically was almost out the door and i think he knew it. I wont go into detail ...we are a team but for that one incident i felt so backstabbed, name it. I yelled so badly at him and i told him this is the first and last time i will ever be placed in that position. I will walk out the door if he ever did that to me again.wont go into details but completely understand the flip flop about sd.
Tell him he is to pay FUlly for this party. Dont dish out a single cent. He went and did that? did he do it in retaliation because you told off his daughter about the note and drugs????
My husband is the tough one..but every once ina while he is blind sided and just makes stupid decision..and i mean stupid. He didn't even realize what he did wrong until he thought about it.....youdont promise someone somthing when you've already committed to something else. Especially when sd knew in my case he was committed and she was manipulating....thank God he opened his eyes. She made the mistake of calling a few days later and let a nasty line slip out....he finally realized she was playing him.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 3:15PM
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