mom_of_4May 7, 2010

quick background... skids go to school on our side of town. So, every morning that they are with bm I meet her halfway, pick up the skids and bring them home. In the afternoon after school, I meet her at four halfway to her house and drop them off with her.

So, BM's work schedule changes just about every single day. It is highly annoying and completely exasperating in general. She does some in home nursing thing as an lpn... I have no clue how that works so I really dont know why her schedule changes all of the time.

Anyways, this morning the kids get in the car and say "we have to meet at 6:20" I was completely confused (early morning fog) and said "what are you talking about, its past 6:20" I finally cleared the fog and the kids explained "mom said she has to work so we need to meet her at 6:20."

Okay, this is completely irritating to me. Not only did I have plans for after I dropped the kids off with her at 4:00 (our normal time) but she didnt have the common decency to call me or get out of the car and say "hey, I have to work. Do you mind keeping the kids longer" or "What time would be conveniant for you to meet" or anything of the sort. Instead she sends the kids to tell me when to meet.

I dont know. I dont want to make a big deal out of this but .... that is so disrespectful of my time and my schedule. I mean I can rearrange what I am doing so really in the long run it's not a big deal. But, I keep thinking what, am I ... at your beck and call.

I feel like I want to say something to her, but I really dont want to start any drama. I was trying to think of a nice way to say Hey I've got a life to, if plans change you need to talk to me...not just send the kids to inform me of what they are going to be.

Ehh, maybe I should just let this one go

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It is not unusual at all for home nursing hours to change and/or get prolonged at any given time...and changes may come at any hour of the day/night as far as notice.

There's a chance BM got the call just minutes before dropping off kids to you. Yeah, rude not to get out and inform you in person though.

If someone calls in sick and scheduler is trying to cover shifts, or if duty normally ends say at 3pm but family requests services until 6pm for that given day, the scheduling office has to try and work around needs as best they can.

It can work both ways, it is not unheard of for scheduling office to call and announce 'Ms. ____ won't be needing you today so you will not be working your 7 to 3 shift', or even 'Mr. _____has being hospitalized and we'll give you a call for when a shift for him is needed again'

It all depends on what type of home nursing your BM does and what if any company she is working out of.

Still does not forgive rude though. She should have called you later today if not speaking to you at dropoff and tried to work something out. Maybe she could pick up the kids directly from your house after her shift or if shift changes run too late the kids could just stay over?

My sister does scheduling for a home nursing company as a 2nd job several nights a week, takes turns on weekends on holidays and I've watched her have to spend a good hour on the phone and playing phone ta trying to get one of the girls to cover a shift, stay later, come earlier whatever. It never fails that during a holiday or a traditional family event weekend the girls ...cough cough... can't work, car won't start, don't show up on and on with excuses legit or not. (scheduler is paid well though and can be anywhere doing anything as long as she has her phone and books with her so it's good 'mad' money for my sister, but the headaches and hassles don't make it 'easy' money)

I'd call her or have the DH do it and see what happened and how it can be worked out. Hopefully it won't be a routine thing for your BM and she has a better predictable schedule the majority of the time.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 10:10AM
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I recently needed home nursing after an injury. The scheduling is tough, partially because the insurance companies are incessentatly monitoring to see that not on iota of care is expended unless necessary (no matter how much their monitoring costs).

In any event, the schedules keep changing. That is no excuse for communication through kid. OTOH, I always say it benefits everyone involved to have every adult who wants to work, work. Dad should call mom and say, heh, we need to work on communciations. What is best for all? Txting? But keep it within the adults.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 10:42AM
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I am thrilled that she is working for once. But, the schedule changing is incredibly difficult and her shifts are not exactly condusive to a mother of three kids... They range from running from 7-7 (which makes getting to and from school impossible) or overnight (which makes her sleep all day) But, she is trying. I have been super supportive about trying to accomodate schedule changes and the like...(like the last minute call Wednesday that she had to work and couldnt get the kids that night...I had two finals to study for and a final exam paper to write and was looking forward to no kids so I wouldnt have to wait until they went to bed to get started but we do what we gotta... or I do

I am just irritated about the way this was handled and the fact that I actually did have plans...

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 1:20PM
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You drive 1/2 way in the AM, take them to school, pick them up and drive them 1/2 way in the PM? Every day??

And you have school yourself?

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 3:35PM
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every day that they are with her... but with her work schedule continuosly changing that ends up being about three days every other week.

and yes, I have school myself.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 3:48PM
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You are a saint.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 4:18PM
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That's not petty at all. Are you two on speaking terms? Is it a matter of just breaking the ice? Or is she the ice?

You have the right to control your own schedule. It's nice of you as is to be doing that much driving. It doesn't sound like it would bother you so much as long as Mom gave a heads up. Maybe ask her to text you when she finds out? Or maybe work your way up to both of you saying hi at pick up and drop offs and casually mentioning you can text me about last minute plans, as if you're doing her the favor. (which you are)

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 4:31PM
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where is dad in all this? sounds like mom and stepmom are raising children together.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 4:54PM
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My first thought: No good deed goes unpunished.

My DH used to be the nice guy that would drive over to BM's in the morning to pick up her OTHER daughter on HIS weeks when he was taking SD to school. BM lived right down the road from the school & he was driving 45 minutes... but he did it to be nice. After all, SD & her sister went to school together when they were with BM, so on his weeks, he would go get the sister so they could be dropped off together.

One morning, he went to get SD's sister & was ambushed by BM & her mother. See, BM had borrowed DH's (rather expensive) video camera to supposedly tape something for the kids.. maybe a school thing. That morning, he was picking up her other daughter & kindly asked for his camera back because we were going on a trip & wanted to take it. Well, BM's mother started yelling at him.. how dare you just show up & demand we get it now... blah blah blah. My husband is NOT demanding, he asked. They caused such a scene, my DH couldn't believe it. He decided that he was no longer going to go out of his way to make BM's life easier when she is going to attack him. (and of course, he later found out that the camera did not work properly the next time he used it)

I agree with silver, you sound like a saint... meeting half way on her time & being flexible to accommodate her schedule. The LEAST she can do is have the common courtesy to tell you of any changes & not use her child to deliver the message.

I don't have any real good advice, other than stand up for yourself if you can. It sounds like everyone gets along reasonably well & if that's the case, I understand not wanting to rock the boat. But, you also can't be treated like a doormat that is always there for her to wipe her feet on when she feels like it. There has to be some reciprocity or you end up feeling resentful.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 6:37PM
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Yes, it was rude.
Yes, you should let it go this time... But if it looks like it's becoming a pattern, then you should address it.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2010 at 11:32PM
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I really wanted to say something but I really couldnt figure out a nice way to do it that wouldnt end up with her poed and make all of our lives miserable... so I let it go.

For the most part we are on speaking, somewhat friendly terms. Things were really bad for a long time but since she broke up with her bf... I think it has been a year now things completely changed and she has been for the most part really decent. Perhaps that is why it irked me so much this morning... it was reminiscent of days past where she was nasty to me and about me but then wanted me to do things for her... and never directed her requests to me but to DH with a "why cant L do it"
But then again, we have been working together so well, that it caught me off gaurd that she would just tell the kids to tell me that this was when I needed to meet her... it's not like we havent had conversations regarding the kids and schedules before.

And FYI while I am doing the driving and what not dad is at work. While I am driving to pick up kids, he is driving to work. While I am driving to drop them off he is not even off of work yet. When I have school he works it to make sure he gets home for the kids... we tag team the whole process in order to get it all done.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2010 at 2:30AM
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