New Here and have a ?

mrzjlaMay 20, 2010

Hi there! I just joined and am so glad to find this place! My step daughter and step granddaughter and living with me and my husband and our 2 kids. My dilema is that she has a part time job and while she works we take care of her daughter. She mainly works on the weekends so now our weekends are filled with babysitting. She doesn't even make enough to pay off any of her bills so it's almost pointless for her to even work there. I mainly am just looking for a little advice on how to maintain my sanity and reclaim my weekends! Thanks in advance everyone and sorry this is so long :)

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Tough situation.

Is there something your SD could do in return for your babysitting? IE--could she pay you something, even if only a minimal amount? I realize it is not about the money for you, but I think it is important for SD to have some accountability here. If she cannot pay a monetary amount, she could "pay" you in other ways--ie, yardwork, washing your cars, etc. Just something so that you don't feel taken advantage of AND so she feels she is compensating you. I really think no one wants to feel like a mooch and it honestly may have a positive result if SD feels she is compensating you for watching her child.

It depends how badly you want out of this situation, too. Maybe you can think about what you are willling to do and then say it.

"I will watch step-granddaughter on Saturdays but not Sundays."

What does your DH say about it? If you really feel strongly about it (and I honestly do not blame you) and he's not willing to make some changes, then let HIM babysit.

Assuming, though, that you have a good relationship with SD overall and are not looking to start WWIII here, I am sure there is some kind of compromise you can all reach. Perhaps SD could look for a better paying job? What about daycare assistance programs?

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 10:41AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You have to set the boundaries here. This is DH's child, living under your roof. Explain to her that not only does the job she has NOT pay her bills, but it will become a burden on you to be tied up with her child every weekend (especially if you and DH work during the week). I would press her to get a full-time job and a regular child care provider. Being in her situation (broke) I'm sure she could get assistance.

Your SD needs to be the adult she has chosen to be. She needs to work more hours and make childcare arrangements that don't include mooching babysitting from family members.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 1:58PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks for the responses. We have been pushing her to get a better job and that way she can get assitance. We're at the point now where she needs to either get a Mon-Fri job or find a sitter. It's just very annoying. My DH & I work come home to her and bottles and crap and still have to deal with our own stuff. Very frustrating and thanks for letting me vent. LOL

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 2:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

What is she doing during the week while you and DH are at work? Is she looking for a better job? Is she cleaning house and cooking in order to pull her weight? How does DH feel about all this?

I agree about setting boundaries. Personally I'd want to set a time limit by which she has to get a regular job. What was the agreement when she moved in? Just hey, I'll work on weekends, you watch my kid and support me, and this will go on indefinitely...? DH probably needs to have a heart to heart with her and lay down some limits both for what you and he will continue to do and for how long.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 2:27PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Where is SD's mother? Can she babysit? Where is the father of the child? Can He babysit? Where are the parents of the father? Can they babysit? Does she have friends?

Get it? It's nice to help out but it should not all fall on you or your husband. She should work, even if it's not for much money because she is being productive, but I also agree that she should be helping around the house too (at the very least since she & her child live there, presumably rent free)

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 2:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

How old is she? Does she even have the qualifications to get a better job? Or is she going to be paying to work, as in paying pretty much for daycare Mon - Fri so she can work and then have nothing really left over?

If thats why she isn't working during the week, maybe help her gain skills, enroll in classes etc so that she can get a job to support herself.

Also, she should be responsible for cleaning up after herself and baby. Helping around the house.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 2:45PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

imamommy: SD's mother passed away when she was 2. The father is in Iraq and his parents live in GA..not even close to where we are. She actually moved up here about a year ago from TN (where she had been living with her grandmother on her moms side) We're actually sitting down with her tonite to go over some of this...We've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and not nag her however that's not working.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 2:46PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm not sure how old SD is, but she just may not get it. To most of us it seems obvious that if you feel that you are mature enough to raise a child, then that means that you are mature enough to assume certain responsibilities, above and beyond just basic feeding and diaper changing (making sure that that child is provided for, making sure the environment is clean, etc.) But I've met several young ladies who seem to think that they are still little girls with dolls, and all household tasks outside of the strictest definition of child-rearing is still Mom (or SM) and Dad's responsibility.

Good luck with your talk tonight! I think expecting SD to come up with a plan for getting a full-time job and/or education is completely appropriate. Just keep in mind that if you've been trying not to nag she may honestly have no idea that you and DH are not happy with the current situation.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 3:27PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Think you and DH need to get a plan to get this young lady independant asap. If that means her not working and going to school full time for some type of degree or certificate of some sort.

Perhaps if she goes to school during the week, she can be solely responsible for baby on weekends and free up your wkends. Either way it seems she needs a loving nudge in the right direction with option for some sort of job skills training.

Best of luck!! Glad you and DH are on the same page or it could be a really difficult situation.


    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 4:52PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My oldest moved in with her gparents. She was never there. Stayed with friends. She's a good kid. But everyone assumed she was out partying. Turns out she was afraid to be at gparents house cus they kept making her feel like a lil kid. Too many rules and demands. Expecting her to know things she had no way of knowing. Like what day laundry day was etc. She was avoiding by being at friends. So they had a sit down and now its much better.
If this SD is a basically good kid, I would kindly speak to her about what's bothering her. If she refuses or just wont then give deadlines. Get a M-F job in two weeks or move out. Clean up bottles by 4pm each day or get out. or whatever you choose. But talk first, make ultimatums last.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2010 at 11:25AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
if I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
My dad remarried last year, a year after my mother...
New- Really need help..
Hi I am new here but hoping as people in the same...
how much child support do you pay?
Hi everyone. I have been a non-custodial stepmom for...
Too much?? advice please
Hi. I am a Mum of 2- one being a step child, I am 27...
How to Prevent Adult Children Living with You
If you and your spouse are of retirement age, move...
Sponsored Products
Homelegance Eastover 7 Piece Dining Room Set
Beyond Stores
Jaipur Barcelona - Indoor Outdoor Sparten 3'6" x 5'6" Blue, White Rug
$186.00 | PlushRugs
Serta Smooth Black Eco-friendly Bonded Leather Back in Motion Health & Wellness
Artemide | Tolomeo Mini Floor Lamp
Burton Flat-Arm Chair - BLACK
$3,490.00 | Horchow
Oriental Weavers Sphinx Cambridge 530N 3'10" x 5'5" Brown Rug
$169.00 | PlushRugs
Halogen Floor Lamp No. 2508/1 by Holtkoetter
$618.00 | Lumens
Justice Design Group FAL-8924 - Modular 4 Light Bath Bar - Round Flared Shade -
$398.00 | Hayneedle
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™