Update SS Baseball Issue

momof3_stepof1May 17, 2011

My dh offered to let bm have my ss for Thanksgiving this year... again, we go by years as far as Holidays and it's our year for ALL of them. He also offered ss go there for ALL of Christmas break which is extra long this next year. She "had to call her lawyer" but it works. We get him for the one extra week and he gets to finish baseball!!! I'm so so so happy for him!!!! She just ran up probably $100 in lawyers fees for this but hey... we got what we wanted. I don't give a hoot how broke she goes by consulting her pos lawyer. HAHA!!

I honestly don't think she'll end up wanting him all of what she gets him this summer even after the extra week we are keeping him. It's a pattern. She sends him home early. Then again at Christmas, I'll bet she gets tired of responsibility and sends him home.

I'm still really nervous that she's going to leave him home alone with the new step brother. My ss is 10, that boy is 11. BUT that boy is VERY immature and a HUGE trouble maker. My ss is VERY annoyed by him and NEVER answers his phone when he calls. Also very nervous about her drinking and drug use while he's in her care. I think I'm going to have a little mini DARE program myself. I'll include all the kids so it doesn't look like I'm pointing her out.

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I think you should stop with the 'DARE' program. If you are that concerned about drugs, contact the authorities ... But seriously teaching ss what to 'look' for while with BM is setting him up for a miserable summer watching and waiting for BM to act a certain way. Has the school not done a dare presentation or a drug free week?

Congrats to SS for getting to finish baseball! I'm sure he is stoked!

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 12:09PM
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I'm not going to point out to my ss to watch mom, I'm going to point out that all drugs are BAD and that they should tell us if they see someone doing it because that person could get very very sick and maybe needs some help. Or something to that matter. I was going to include all the kids so he didn't feel like I was pointing at just him.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 1:29PM
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I disagree that all drugs are "BAD" and I think you should be very careful with that message. Drugs aren't "bad", the choices people make while on drugs are usually bad.

Sooner or later your kid will try a joint and think "Mom3 knows nothing, this isn't bad" because it doesn't seem bad to them. And probably, it won't be bad. Until the day they get caught with weed and get a record, or are so stoned they forget the stove is on and cause a fire. That's bad. Not the drugs.

So rather than focus on the drugs I'd focus on safety and what to do if your kids don't feel safe.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 2:06PM
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I'm going to have to agree to disagree. I don't like pot or the influence it has on people. I believe it to be bad. It causes people to do wreckless things. I don't want my kids around it... or my ss. Neither does my dh and he'd want to know if bm is doing it.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 2:53PM
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'She just ran up probably $100 in lawyers fees for this but hey... we got what we wanted. I don't give a hoot how broke she goes by consulting her pos lawyer. HAHA!!'

what a stunningly ugly attitude.

Please try to realize that this is about a young boy, not about a *competitive sport* in which you & his mother are on opposing sides.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 4:22PM
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I don't like drugs or the effect they have on people either. Drugs do not cause people to do reckless things... people making poor choices are the cause of reckless behavior. One does not have to be on drugs to be reckless.

My point is that if you just tell them "drugs are bad and will make you do horrible things" and then they try a hit of pot or a drink of alcohol and *nothing* bad happens, they will think you are a liar.

That's why I'd focus on health and safety rather than *drugs are bad* and *just say no*. Did you know that DARE students are just as likely to try drugs? DARE doesn't work... and that's not just my opinion.

Here is a link that might be useful: TIME magazine says

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 4:38PM
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It is great he gets to finish his games.

I think if you know mom is using drugs, dad should contact authorities and address it in court. I don't believe you should assume mom is doing drugs just because she looks bad.

I do agree with silvers on this, just say "NO" doesn't work neither with drugs, nor alcohol, nor sex. I also think kid will know that you aiming at BM and he will go there anxious, no wonder he does not want to go to moms.

But again if mom truly is dangerous to be around, it needs to be addressed in court ASAP. Kid should not go there.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 5:07PM
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Sylvia, seriously, you NEVER have anything nice to say to me so just go away. She ran our lawyer fees up to almost $5000 by simply starting out fighting us and lying in court straight to a judge. (YES, she did... she was caught with the text messages we printed off)... then she decided to up and quit fighting and just give up her son. Which, yes, I'm glad to have him but seriously... she could've saved us quite a bit of money. So, I don't care how much she spends on lawyer fees now.

I have NEVER pointed out to my step son about his mother looking horrible and her possibly doing drugs. My husband and I noticed that she began to look worse and worse everytime we saw her. Again, sores around mouth, stringy unkept hair, weight loss, circles around eyes, slurring words. Her bf's sister was just arrested on heroin possession and I've spoken to people who know that family. They say bf has always had an issue with it. While we were going through the court battle I asked our lawyer about drug testing. She stated that we would have to have a VERY good reason to ask for one. My sister is also a state police officer. She has recently been following a random lead on drug charges for my son's sperm donor. She told me it takes LOTS and LOTS of time to investigate. Basically sperm donor is getting off those charges cause he goes to jail Thursday.... so her investigation can't continue. She believes based on how we've described her that she's doing meth. I can't prove anything and she's in another state. I have thought about calling the police when she's visiting his family in our state but I'm scared. They have no friends in the other state so I guess I'm just going to have to hope they don't do it all the time.... though I DO KNOW she drinks EVERYDAY! SS tells us this. Without proof it doesn't matter what we think. So if he is anxious about going there, it isn't because we've made him that way.... it's because he doesn't like her lifestyle. I've also read the texts between the two of them. Once when she was getting him for a weekend and they were going to bf's families house. He was MEAN to her and stated he did NOT want to go to those people's home. He said that she always stays way to late and he doesn't like it there. That night he talked her into letting me drop him off with her mom... whom we are totally fine with. He's gotten used to a normal, drama free, drug/alcohol free life here. I wouldn't want to go there either.

My friends ex has beaten her and her children and they've been in and out of court for 5 years. He just got his visits back. They gave him the visits back even though he's living with someone with a record of battery in front of a minor. Our state must be pretty easy on noncustodials with visits.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 6:51PM
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I wish I could lose weight but drugs scare me. Lol just sayin

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 8:10PM
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I'm with Sylvia...
The BM in our life can be very frustrating. But wishing ill upon her hasn't ever gotten me anywhere but angry and stressed-out.

I'm also with Silver and PO1...
Kids need age-appropriate information about drugs, not a lecture about how bad they are. I talk with SS12 about what to say and do if drugs are offered to him, about how drugs can impact a person's life, the difference between responsible and irresponsible drinking, etc. We cannot entirely shield him from drugs, so we are are trying to provide him the tools he needs to make good decisions when he encounters them.
Also, when kids are mad at their parents, they may go do something their parents would object to. Some of my friends in high school did drugs specifically as an "eff you" to their parents. Those were the friends whose parents said things like "If you ever do drugs, you're out of this family." The friends who didn't do drugs were typically the ones with parents who saw gray areas and said "Look, I know drugs are out there," and gave usable information. Sure, this is a small sample of middle-class white kids from Canada in the 90s, but I think it's a pretty universal experience.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 10:29AM
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I'll give an example of what I've already done. I was looking at pictures on the internet of people before/after from meth. My kids walked up behind me and said eeewwww, what's that? I then showed them, this is what you look like before you get hooked on some drugs.... and this is after. See how bad you look? They didn't like it one bit. SS was one who did that. I just happened to be looking that up and they had been outside playing. I thought it was a good lesson. Hopefully they remember they don't want to look like that.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 10:51AM
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Problem is that it takes a while to look "like that". So if they meet someone who offers them meth and they say "no thanks, I hear that makes you ugly" the person can just say, "no it doesn't, look at me".

Just like pot makes people stupid and alcohol makes people fight and LSD makes people lose their mind and cigarettes cause cancer. That does happen, but not ALL the time. And for kids, they don't realize that once the merry go round starts it can be really hard and painful and expensive to get off. But when they first climb on the ride it's fun, it's cheap, it's going so slow it appears it would be easy to get off at any time.

Ceph, that's the experience I had too.

Mom3, I do have an issue with some of the things you say. It may be just that the context isn't understood or that I'm reading it wrong, but things like this:

"she decided to up and quit fighting and just give up her son. Which, yes, I'm glad to have him but seriously... she could've saved us quite a bit of money..."

"My sister is also a state police officer. She has recently been following a random lead on drug charges for my son's sperm donor."

"I DO KNOW she drinks EVERYDAY! SS tells us this."

Are you saying your son's father is a drug abuser too? So you both have ex's who are addicts?

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 1:31PM
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Yes, I found all this out with-in 2 days. Actually just in the past few months. On March 29 is when I got a text and was able to google the fact that my ss bm bf's sister (haha, I know) was arrested on heroin charges. This just helped confirm our suspicions about bm. Then like the next day my sister texted me about her lead on my son's sperm donor. I had a hunch but wasn't sure. He DID fail drug screens for probation and was arrested after court on April 5. Reminder though..... he has been out of my son's life for the past 9 1/2 years. So, really, no influence what so ever. Knowing him AT ALL, with the exception of my son, was a HUGE bump in my existance. The man has 5 children by 4 mothers all within 5 1/2 years. First child born Feb 2000 and last child born Aug 2005. Two of the children, mine and another are 3 months apart. I ran from him as soon as I found out about the second baby. (Before mine was born) It was the worst time in my life, yes, I made a poor choice in a partner, I learned. He DID NOT do drugs then he was 18. He drank but no drugs. He's been on probation for non support for 2 1/2 years. This was the first time he failed tests. I absolutely could NOT believe it was all happening at once. I don't even know what most drugs look like, let alone where to get them. Nor do I care to know. I like feeling NORMAL. Also.... my dh and bm were NEVER a couple. We've been together for 10 1/2 years. They both just started this activity... or that we know of. Well, bm has always been a heavy drinker but we never suspected drug use till she met this new bf. This is NOT our lifestyle what so ever! My dh barely drinks a sip, I might have a drink once or twice a month if that. I have NEVER done drugs. Don't want to, don't need to.

I don't understand what's wrong with the first comment you highlighted.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 1:59PM
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Well I am happy for you and SS!!! But if she didnt agree - then SS wouldnt finish bball?? I think down here extra curicular activities are held as a priority - if sd is in something and if falls on her day - she has to take her.. I think... Thats what I heard anyways.,.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 2:28PM
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BM's BF's sister was arrested on heroine charges, it tells me nothing about BM's activities, they aren't even a family.

If she is a heavy drinker and it is documented dad might be able to get it on CO: no drinking in kid's presence and then if SS says mom is drunk she might be lose unsupervised visitations. But neither heavy drinking nor drug use should be just assumed. You have to have documentation. You never said you have any evidence of her drug abuse.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 2:30PM
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You seem happy she gave up rights to her child. You are making assumptions about drug use based on family/friends drug use.

I have a family member who is a heroin addict. Perhaps that makes me one too? I also have alcoholic family members, and those who are verbally abusive and I have a friend who was a battered woman.

There is nothing wrong with heavy drinking unless the person is neglectful. In that case, the neglect is the problem, not the alcohol. Alcohol is legal.

Like PO1 said, you have a lot of assumptions. And IMO you seem rather gleeful that BM lost her child.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 2:50PM
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Mrs. P... do you see that you aren't alone in the nitpicking of this forum? As far as extra curricular... the other parent HAS to provide an equal opportunity for the child if they do not want to allow the child to participate in the area they live.

I believe I have gone over all of this numerous times about the drug use on the other thread. I spoke to BM's ex-husband. He and his mom can confirm the drinking. SS has mentioned that he actually knows the name of the alcohol she drinks.... at age 5. During court dates she was covered in sores, hair was a mess, clothes a mess, etc. My sister is a state police officer, I showed her pictures of her and I also completely described everything, she believes that it sounds like meth. I've spoken to bf's ex who confirms they broke up because of excess drinking/drug use on his part. I also said I do not have documentation to prove anything yet. I'm waiting for her to really mess up. I have to say, the picture of the mug shot of the sister.... she actually looks a lot less messed up then bm does. My dh has a friend who went to prison for a bit for dealing. He tried to get his friend help before he was caught.... he knows what an addict looks like. My dh believes bm is doing cocaine. That's what his friend did and he looked/acted the same. Again, we just don't have proof and that's what you have to have to go to court or call the police with. I've been told that by our lawyer and by my sister. The reason I stated that about bf's sister is because obviously the whole family is shady. (By the way, before it comes up..... dh's friend does NOT come around our children still.... even though he's clean.)

The heavy drinking is a problem when it's everyday and the person becomes an alcoholic. My mother's ex husband was a severe alcoholic. This caused so much tension and unhappiness in our family. My ss is NOT comfortable around the alcohol. He's made that clear. Especially when he's been forced to go to bm's when she still had custody and he was throwing massive fits to get in the car to go back. Then yelling that they get drunk and yell. Bm's dad died from alcoholism, it's obviously a family problem. If we ever go back to court I'll see if we can get the drinking part put in the co.

BM didn't necessarily lose ss. She gave him up. YES!!! That makes me happy. He's thriving here. He was bullied with her because she didn't care enough to make sure he looked decent to go to school, didn't take him to the doctor when he was sick, didn't make sure his homework was complete, etc, etc.... Last night I was sitting on the couch and he came over to me and put his head on my shoulder and fell asleep. I'm not supposed to be happy she gave that up to me? Sorry, I am. She wasn't doing her job of being a good mom so I'll do it. At least when he gets older, maybe, just maybe he won't hate women because one woman did give him love and took care of him.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 3:13PM
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I had the same thoughts... my uncle, wonderful person, was drug addict, battled it for years and didn't win...and passed away from complications due to heavy drug addiction. I wouldn't like people to assume that my family uses drugs because we absolutely neither drink nor do drugs. As about how people look...I took day off work today because I went to see a doctor, I look like a nightmare right now, I look like I probably do something.

I also do not see (or maybe I missed a post) how BM lost her child. She has no physical custody, but she has visitations, 8 weeks for summer, and was it like monthly weekend visits and holidays? That's not losing one's child, it is just not having physical custody. Unless people have 50/50, most divorced families have arrangement when kids live with one parent and visit the other. Boys often end up living with their fathers. And you said she gave up fighting. If you think it was wrong of her to stop fighting then why did dad continue fighting?

"She stated that we would have to have a VERY good reason to ask for one."

see, even a lawyer says you have to have a reason.

BM might as well be horrible, but it seems like most people here don't see much evidence of it beyond personal dislike?

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 3:30PM
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you keep saying everyone "believes" she is doing drugs, yet no one knows. Believing she does drugs is not a good enough reason.

If there is evidence of heavy drinking up to neglecting or scaring a child or evidence of drug abuse, then it needs to be addressed with DH's lawyer ASAP. But there seems to be no evidence, since even your lawyer says that.

Bringing up DH's friend, or BM's BF's sister, or her messed up clothes just won't fly as evidence, it would just aggravate a judge.

So this is not nitpicking but stating facts: get documentation and go to court.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 3:37PM
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--"He was bullied with her because she didn't care enough to make sure he looked decent to go to school, didn't take him to the doctor when he was sick, didn't make sure his homework was complete, etc, etc.... "--

Ok, now I'm confused. You've stated you had the child the majority of the time and that until she was leaving the state DH made no move to adjust custody (something about being afraid she'd not let you have the child as often as you already had him)...yet, it's BM's fault child went to school improperly clothed, sick child went untreated, school work not completed blah blah?

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 3:38PM
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yeap, noticed that too, child lived with dad and SM most of his life, most of the week and every weekend, yet dad and SM aren't responsible for his troubles. So which one is it?

1.He truly never lived with SM and dad and lived with mom and mom took poor care of him.
2.He lived with SM and a dad most of the time (as SM stated) and they are the ones who took bad care of him?

Which one is it? It can't be both.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 3:46PM
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Here goes

"She gave my husband over night visits right away. She agreed to allow him EVERY weekend and Wednesday nights every week. From the get go she would give him to us Wed then ask us to keep him till Sunday. Or she'd let us have him for the weekend and ask us to keep him till Wed. We had him all the time."

so were you and dad the ones who didn't make sure he did homework or went to school in proper clothes? It couldn't possibly be BM!

Wednesday to Sunday is 5 days a week, or weekend to Wednesday is 5 days a week as well, and like you said he was with you most of his life since he was a baby, even called you mom when he could barely talk.

If he was with you most of his life how could his mother do homework with him or dress him up for school??? So who is responsible?

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 3:53PM
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justmetoo.... We did have him all weekends and breaks after he started school. Up to school we had him almost all the time. She was still custodial parent so he had to go to school in her district. We lived 2 1/2 hours away. We sent clothes with him but she'd lose them or just wear her crap ones on him that were too small, goofy looking. Even for spring break.... she sent pictures of him to us and he was wearing an orange polo shirt and red/blue/white plaid shorts. Seriously... polo shirt and shorts would be fine... but the colors don't go at all. Kids make fun of that stuff. We took him to the doctor when we got him. He would go a whole week not going to school because of ear infection yet she didn't take him to get meds. We did. My was always trying to get my husband to go for custody... she's a NIGHTMARE to deal with... kinda like myfam ex dh. So he didn't want to stir the pot... till she said she was taking him out of state no matter what he said. He then started the custody battle. She called him daily with the mouth of a sailor cussing at him saying she was going and it didn't matter what anyone said, blah blah. Then she sent him the text out of the blue one day that she was staying in the other state and we could keep him. It's kinda hard to make sure the kid is dressed properly for school from 2 1/2 hours away.

BM has called DH and slurred her words terribly. Kid screams because she's out of control. HELLO!!! Pretty obvious she's a heavy drinker. It takes a VERY long time to investigate someone for drugs unless you have the paraphernalia staring you in the eyes. I'm not going to stop believing she's a drug user. You don't just go from looking ok most of the time to all of a sudden looking like dog poop ALL the time. Sores are not NORMAL all the time!!!! I am not racking up more lawyer fees right now. I have much more to get paid for then that right now. IF a certain person sends me a message that bm is in her old town and is at the brother's house.... who we know smokes pot and who knows what else... then I may call the police to have it investigated... if ss is with her I WILL call. I can't just call the police and say "Hey, mom looks like crap and slurred her words, will you please go search her home?" that doesn't work. You all are assuming on another thread here that based on behavior someone's ss is doing heavier drugs. Here I am assuming it because of appearance and behavior and I get a load of crap.

I'm sorry, but if you don't the problem with someone giving up their child and stopping the fight for their child to go be with another man..... then you don't need to respond to my threads anymore. No mom who loves their child would do that. No one chooses a bf they met three months prior and lives in another state to leave their child. No one in their right mind. She does not have physical custody at all. All she has is visitation and joint legal custody. No, she didn't lose child but again, that's nitpicking. She gave up CUSTODY. My son is 15 and still lives with me... has NEVER once wanted to live with his dad. So, no, not boys often go live with their father.... my brother didn't either. In fact, this is the only one I can readily recall that I know right now. It's not because he's a boy, it's because she is able to go do as she pleases now with no responsibility what so ever. Why would I like someone who chooses herself over her child? You know.... I'm thinking like Mrs. P here. I'm sick of this. Maybe I won't come back.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 4:01PM
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OMG!!!! I've said that we had him like that till he went to school. Then it was every weekend and every break. During the week we couldn't make sure his homework was done. It's been done ever since he came here for good. Even if he did get homework sent to us for the weekend and we did it.... she didn't send it with him. You guys are ridiculous. From Kindergarten to Beginning of 4th grade he was with mom during the school year weeks. Us during the weekend and breaks. She worked all day and he went to school. She sent him to bed early so not to have to deal with him. So.... Get off work at 5.... bed by 8.... 3 hours a night at the MOST... x 4 days a week... cause we got him Friday Saturday and Sunday till 6... ok then she gets another 3 hours that night. We had way more TIME to spend with him. She could have had him some weekends but NO that was her time to party. We spent more time nurturing him and raising him then she did. She didn't spend time getting him ready nicely for school, doing homework so what was she doing? That'd be drinking!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Probably Not. I don't care.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 4:10PM
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Personally - i think go for it - teach them how drugs are bad! I felt like i had to teach SD about good touch bad touch.. What will it hurt? You would teach them about it regarless if you knew anyone or not on drugs. That is a normal lesson a parent teaches a child correct? thats my opinion - bash it or not..

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 4:24PM
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Thanks Mrs. P!!!! I am going to teach them. They have to learn one way or another. It's better I teach them then to let them learn from a friend.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 4:26PM
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Whoa! Back that puppy up...you addressed your last tirade to me and told me not to respond any longer? You spent your last two paragraphs saying I said or thought something I did not write at all...and I have not posted in the thread about the kid and drugs or made assumptions that that kid is doing heavier drugs. I merely asked a question for clarification purposes. Pardon me all to *ell.

If you'd like to squeal at me, please at least do so over something I have written :-O

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 4:43PM
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"I have had this child most of his life, taking care of him while his mother partied and got drunk."

so you did have him most of his life, or didn't you? looks like you didn't, then 5 minutes later you did again, then you didn't. it seems that you just write whatever even if it completely contradicts what you said 5 minutes ago.

you said your ex did not see his kids for 9.5 years and literally abandoned them, how could your son possibly choose to live with him if he does not even know him and dad never even asked to see him? you can't possibly use extreme deadbeat dad as a an example of how many kids live with their dads, by dads I meant dads not "deadbeats".

LOL now he is wearing orange polo and plead shorts and colors don't match. when the story of you raising him and mom doing drugs fell through, you moved on her fashion style. you should address it in court LOL

this story is getting entertaining, i am home sick and got good laughs, thanks

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 5:00PM
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I wish someone could see a picture of my DD... she went out of the house this morning in stripes. Different colors, different directions. At least four items of clothing with stripes. I think she looks ridiculously cute.

She dresses herself.

Mrs. P, I agree it's good to teach the repercussions of drug use/abuse. I disagree that DARE is a good method.

It's really hard to follow your stories Mom3. What exactly do you want us to say?

BM is obviously not capable of caring for her children. You have stepped up. That's great. They sound like they're doing good with you and Dad.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 5:23PM
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Sorry, JMT.... that entire paragraph wasn't directed at just you. I should've made a new paragraph.

PO1....do you sit there and try to twist words around? Cause if you read my name... you'll see that I'm a MOM of 3!!! I've also previously explained that I have a 15 year old son, an 11 year old son a 10 year old ss and an 8 year old son. I have four boys!!!! I'm sorry I did not specify which son I was talking about not wanting to live with his dad. It's NOT the one with the deadbeat dad. It's the one with the old wife who doesn't dress appropriately. Remember that conversation on someone else's thread?

I was still going on about the drugs when you changed the discussion to how much I have had my ss. If a child called you mama at 9 months old.... would that NOT mean that you've had them more then their mother and they are confused? I guess you don't think so. From the age of about 6 months to kindergarten I had my ss WAY more then she did. It wasn't set in stone because she'd call and change it ALL the time. So I can only give you round about answers as far as exactly when we had him. I promise you I had him more. When he started kindergarten then through 4th grade we got him EVERY weekend and break from school. She only had him a few hours a night after school. That adds up to far more hours of time spent with dad and sm then it does bm. If a child fights you to NOT go back to bm EVERYTIME you have him.... don't you think something is NOT right? Or that maybe he's really used to you more then his mom? That's because we had more quality time spent with child then mom did. We lived 2 1/2 hours away, we could not get him ready for school in the morning. We bought more clothes for him then she ever did but we could not control what she put him in to go to school. Understand? I know now you're going to say... well that's wonderful that the father had the child that much... ok fine... whatever... but children need stability. BM did NOT give him stability. Never has. I'm sorry it took my husband 10 years to grow a spine and take him from her..... actually she ended up giving him to him.

She IS an alcoholic. That is a FACT! When you go to Planet Hollywood and your bill is $174 for two adults and 2 children..... you can look up the menu, even if the children and adults ordered the most expensive thing on the menu.... that's still an aweful lot to spend on drinks. She calls slurring her words. I have pictures of her from the internet drinking... MANY pictures!!! That's not normal of a 33 year old MOTHER who has custody. She no longer has physical custody. I am not taking that to a lawyer. I don't want to pay stupid fees. I will eventually get the proof needed for the drug use. EVERYONE starts out with people believing they are using before they actually get caught.

Now... I meant that if you are going to continue to twist my words around and cause me to get upset, please don't answer my threads anymore. If it's constructive I'll listen. This isn't constructive it's ridiculous. I mean this to ALL.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 5:36PM
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Silver, I shouldn't have used DARE as a word then... I don't actually know the program, I was just trying to find an example. I'm going to teach them about drugs. I want them to be able to come to me if they see ANYONE doing them.

I have too many son's... I'll start using son15 or son11 or son8... and ss. Would that be better?

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 5:38PM
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no twisting, just going by what you say, which, as many here noticed, differs from post to post and makes people wonder. Same as silvers i am not sure what you are saying or asking, all right you are awesome, BM is not. what do you want us to say?

nobody changed discussions, you started saying he lived with mom and she took poor care of him, yet you had him most of the time...just saying what you are saying...

Sorry i didn't keep track who are different fathers of your children. OK maybe that's a different father of a different kid, don't see how it is relevant.

Huh? How do you know what her restaurant bills are? how did you obtain the info?

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 5:55PM
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Ok, point taken about DARE.

And yes, usually people preface their children by SD8/DD8 for Step or Bio-Daughter, age 8 and SS8/DS 8 for Step-son/Bio-son age 8. And so on. That makes it a lot easier to keep track if there is more than one.

I understand you think she is an alcoholic. But a tab from Planet Hollywood, a presumption of slurring and pictures on the internet (bad judgement as they may be) do not confirm alcoholic.

As for twisting words/getting upset... you have to admit you aren't being very clear. It's hard to understand the timeline and you've dumped an awful lot on the table at once. How do you expect everyone to sort through it?

If you choose to be upset over what strangers write about things you've posted, perhaps you should consider what you're posting. This forum can get aggravating (as can the members) but I don't see anyone attacking you at all. Believe me, it gets heated in here.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 5:55PM
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SS is 10, right? I think I would also include some discussion on general safety aka what to do/not do in a variety of situations. Bothers me that this ten yr old is going off to a totally different state for an extended time with no gurantee that anyone sober/straight/ and responsible will monitor and supervise two young pre-teens. Hopefully BM will surprise you and be a great mom all summer but these discussions could be useful even to children staying home for the summer.

I understand that the drinking/drygs is the topic of main concern, but I think discussing possible unsuspected danger/harm could just as well be a part of preparation for this trip. Who knows what can of 'trouble' two boys on their own could find themselves in. I don't think that's being an alarmist either...one would not send off their child on a prolonged field trip without being assure child knew what to do when trouble came their way or they got lost or any number of other things. Sure, on this visit BM is suppose to be watchful and responsible just like school officials are suppose to be when taking trips...but we all know what is suppose to be and sometimes what actually is is not one and the same. It could be any number of discussions (not just drugs), what to do if seperated at mall, approached by bullies at beach blah blah. Even if there is not direct 'proof' of drugs/smashed 24/7, there seems to be reason to at least suspect...I'd rather prepare my children to know what to do/not do than chance something awful happening. You should not scare the kid to pieces, just simple generic preparation to be alert and how to take action.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 6:06PM
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po1, after spring break we picked ss up and went out to dinner. Just fyi... we drink iced tea. We got the bill and ss says.... omg, Planet Hollywood is expensive... our bill was $174. I choked.

I had to point out to you the difference in kids because you were accusing me of telling two different stories. I was trying to clear that up... that it wasn't my son of the dead beat that doesn't want to live with his dad. It's a different one. You know... having to explain EVERYTHING all over again is soooooo annoying!!

Mom just had to have a beer at kids' first birthday party... and no, it wasn't just one. He knew what Foster's was at 5. He has told me they get drunk ALL the time. BM's dad was alcoholic. Mom had HUGE puffy face at last drop off. The list goes on. She's a HUGE drinker. I don't need more proof. SS tells me. That's all the proof I need.

yes, jmt, ss is 10. I am VERY nervous about ss going to his mothers for the extended period of time. He has videos on his ipod of he and the new step brother. They are tearing the house up with no adults in site. The adults should have been able to hear them since they are knocking couches onto the ground. The step brother uses horrible language and obviously gets away with whatever he wants. That scares me. We have strict rules here and I don't want him coming home doing these horrible things.

I'm going to try to sneak some talks in without bashing his mom. He doesn't really care for step brother so I think I can say... "don't be like him".... but we will see.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 6:19PM
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why was he knocking couches on the ground and tearing house up??? it is wrong to leave kids alone, unless stepbrother is older, but why do they exhibit such out of control behavior when left alone? do kids always tear houses down when left alone? I don't think so. I know plenty of kids, this is not a typical behavior. did dad ask him why was SS destroying the house?

    Bookmark   May 19, 2011 at 10:33PM
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My ss's step brother is 11, just one year older then ss. He's VERY immature though. I have no idea why he was doing this to their home. My husband hasn't asked my ss about it at all. When bm first introduced my dh to this boy his response to my dh was "Hi fatty".... and then he looked at bm and said "hi ugly"..... Between this and the videos on the IPOD... I don't like the kid or trust him.

No, not all kids tear homes up. Mine don't.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2011 at 4:59AM
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Stepbrother sounds rude.

you said your SS and his stepbrother are both tearing the house down. "THEY are tearing the house up with no adults in site. The adults should have been able to hear THEM since THEY are knocking couches onto the ground." I wasn't asking why stepbrother does that, who cares, I asked why is your SS, whom you and dad raised and nurtured most of his life, acting like this and even films it? You seem to be concerned about stepbrother yet your SS does exactly same thing!

"Mine don't." SS does though and has a video to prove it.

It sounds that you can't see things objectively because of your dislike for BM.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2011 at 6:16AM
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There was another kid in the video whom I don't know. Obviously someone was holding the IPOD... it was my ss. I guess I wasn't clear. My ss was holding the IPOD videoing his step brother and the other kid tearing up the house. He was also videoing while they were blowing up pop bottles in the driveway. The only time someone else was holding the IPOD was when they were saying swear words and It's clear in the video who said them and who didn't. Yes, my ss acts VERY differently when he is with his mother. BUT... he wasn't the one knocking the couch over. It doesn't matter how we raise him at our house. If his bm lets him get away with different things at her house he's going to act different with her. Just like when he's on the phone with us, he's nice and respectful because he knows he'll get in deep crap if he isn't. With her he's rude and demanding. She lets him speak to her this way. There were multiple times she's called my dh because she couldn't get him to get out of bed to go to school. We have NEVER EVER had that problem with him. At her house he won't eat green beans or broccoli, at our house he eats them. Kids do what they are allowed to get away with with each parent. Just because he might act up with her does not mean that's because of how we raised him. She lets him get away with it, we don't.

I'll clear this up.... even if my ss is helping tear up HER house.... that's because she's letting him get away with it. OUR house does NOT get torn up because there would be hell to pay. Kids test their boundaries, if they have none then they are out of control. That's one of the reasons I'm so nervous about this summer visit. Nothing we can do though until he gets into big trouble, she sends him home or till he gets back and we have to break through the attitude.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2011 at 6:49AM
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Hang on to this video...it may prove to be useful at some point.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2011 at 8:33AM
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I just wanted everyone to know..... my ss made the All Star Team!!!! Wooohoooooooooooo!!! See... that's why I was so wanting him to be able to play. He's that good! We let him know that he made it and let his mom know. Then we let the coaches know that he won't be able to play because he has to spend the rest of the summer at his moms. All bm said was "That's great, too bad he can't play." OMG!! I'm sorry... I know she's going to get him and I know that there's nothing more to it but she's so damn selfish! Again, if she just wouldn't have decided to move away at the drop of a hat to be with a POS man then she could allow him to play and watch him. BTW... she hasn't been to one game! She asked my dh to video him on his phone and send it. HA! Oh well....I'm just happy knowing he did well enough this season to be on the team. This is one proud sm!!

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 2:11PM
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That is awesome! Congrats to your ss!!

My daughter was invited to participate on a summer dance team, they do a July 4th parade and other little shows. It's twice a week for 10 weeks during the summer. Very much an honor and something to be proud of. We declined because she is going to her dad's for a few weeks and although he lives in the area, it is my opinion that this is his time with her and they may have vacation planned or some kind of activity that would conflict with her practice and the performances. I just came to the realization that it's only during the summer and only for a few weeks although she would love to do this, being with her dad over the summer is more important. She has all the time in the world to dance or whatever she wants to do but these years can't be replaced. It was a hard realization to swallow that's for sure because I want my baby to shine and take advantage of these opportunities. She really wanted to do it also but she dances all year long and so I really think she needed a break for the summer any way. That's what summer is all about. Time off from the routine and go go go of the rest of the year. We will hit the ground running come September though.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 9:48PM
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