Thinking of Moving in together - Advice re BF's son
Newbie here. I've been lurking on here for a little while now, mainly just to gather advice.
My info: 34 years old, divorced with two daughters, ages 12 and 6. Boyfriend is 41 years old, one 8 year old son from a previous relationship. We have been together for about a year now, and are discussing me and my daughters moving into BFs house. However, before I take that step I want to make sure we are ready.
After reading some of the stories on here, it appears to me that while the step mom may say she has a problem with their step kids, what I see the REAL problem to be is the inability of the BioDad to step up to the plate, be it not wanting or knowing how to discipline his kids, or letting the lion's share of the parenting to fall on the step mom.
Basically I'm putting my story out there to see what you guys think, if you see any red flags, or anything that would cause you to say moving in with my BF is not a good idea at this time.
Here are the main issues with BF's son. He is too smart for his own good. For example, BF will tell son to put away his microscope. Son will say it's not a microscope, its a box WITH a microscope in it. He constantly interrupts and tries to butt into adult conversations. He's an only child and has all the issues only children generally experience: he's spoiled, doesn't like to share his toys, doesn't play well with others, is used to being the center of attention, etc. His maternal grandparents treat him like a little adult and as a result Son thinks he can interject into adult conversations and correct adults.
In the beginning of the relationship I would point these things out to BF and it would cause disagreements. BF said I was picking on his son. However, as we continued to communicate BF saw what I was talking about and started correcting his son. We've worked out a pretty good system. BF backs me up when I correct his son. I do not spank or hit his son, the same way he does not hit or spank my kids. However, I do back him up whenever he corrects my kids, and insist they respect him the same way they would do any adult.
There are still a few issues. Sometimes when I point something out about Bf's son, BF turns around and says, well, your daughter does it too! I don't understand why he says that.
If my kid is doing something wrong, bring it to my attention and I'll deal with it. But if I tell you your kid is doing something wrong, don�t try to deflect the issue, own it.
The other thing that continues to bother me is BF does not spank his son. I'm not saying he needs to
hurt the kid. I just mean that sometimes a kid needs a good pop to let them know you mean business. BF will tell son to do something, three, four, five times. One time I watched BF tell son not to do something literally TWENTY TIMES.
BF has come a long way from the Disney Dad he used to be, however, I just want to be sure that we're doing the right thing for the kids here.
Another thing that worries me: BF currently has son every Wednesday and every other weekend. But he's mentioned a few times trying to get primary custody of son. BF has even mentioned to BioMom he would continue to give her child support even if she left son stay with BioDad.
This concerns me. Right now it is only every other weekend and on Wednesdays, so it's not that bad. However, I know there is always a possibility of BF getting custody of son for whatever reason. I am worried that if I move in with BF, BF might get custody of his son and I would have to deal with BF's son every day.
I don't want to wind up holed up in the bedroom every day because BF's son is getting on my nerves.
Thanks for reading and any input you have.