Just asked my husband ' would you snoop in your daughter room if.

organic_mariaMay 9, 2009

I was reading poppingreys post and got curious with my husband. So i asked him. would you snoop in your daughters room if you knew or suspected drug use? HE SAID YES. If you didn't suspect drug use? HE SAID NO.

So, drug use, plays a major role in privacy issues. My husband says, they've broken trust under my household and by using drugs they forfeit the right to privacy. Drugs are illegal , they are physically and mentally destructive. i dont want them in my house and yes i will check my kids room if i suspect drug use. Why wouldn't I? So they can go further in and kill themselves. i raised them to go kill themselves with drugs?

And the old saying applies: My roof, my rules , no way!

So, any opinions?????

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First -- you aksed him, you just didnt do it on your own.

Second -- you use the word MY not OUR -- speaks volumes

Third -- you didnt ask him if he would read notes, or just look for drugs.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 8:04AM
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The word MY was fromhis mouth kkny ...LOL..you really have an issue with it dont you? No wonder people ripp you from time to time.

And he also thinks you are a bitter exwife with issues....

And yes he said he would read notes as well if drugs were involved. Searching a room is searchign a room.
And kkny, if my husband wasnt there and i suspected someting, i would go in to investigate for my husband. He said i have the go ahead if any suspicionof drugs are involved with ANY of the children.
Hate to break it to you. But my husband and I are a team. We may not always see eye to eye. BUT we have one main rule in our house.

So stop the pissing match this morning cause you'll be blue in the face ...LOL....you are a hoot at times.

THat being said, WHat would you other ladies do if suspected drugs? Would you or your hubby snoop inthe kids bedrooms??? Do you think its your right as a parent?

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 8:14AM
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But you asked hime first, and Poppin didnt and thats why her DH ripped her another one. His DD is gone, and he had no vote, but SM is happy.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 9:08AM
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And did you ask him about reading notes? and then having an emotional confrontation with SD without his input?

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 9:40AM
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If I had GOOD reason to think A__ was using drugs (although he is 10 ATM, so it's not an issue at present), yup, I'd turn his room inside out and upside down.
Drug use forfeits the right to privacy.

But I'd probably wait for DH to help me, and we'd have to have DARN good reason, because snooping without cause is likely to create a rift.
IMO, kids who feel trusted are less likely to make bad decisions. Kids who feel like they're already in trouble or under suspicion when they aren't doing anything wrong may say "Screw it. I'm already in trouble for it I might as well just do it."

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 10:45AM
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And ceph, would you read notes, as opposed to looking for drugs? And would you confront Schild, before discussing, unless immediate danger.

Organic, I really dont care if you "rip me another" I think poppin does care what her DH thinks and she blew it. The fact is I dont know how she puts it togethoer. If DH isnt controlling his kids how you like, and instead of reaching agreement, SM takes it into her own hands, then she shouldnt be surprised if DH is mad. And he may resent helping make a home for HER kids, after she unalaterally forced his kid out.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 12:08PM
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You better believe I searched SS room for drugs, DH was at work the day I found a loaded 38 in SS room, SS was at school at the time and I also read every note I found in his room - and I offer NO APOLOGIES - I had no idea if SS was planning to kill us all in our sleep or what

SS has been in counseling through the years, but I have searched his room and other areas of the house periodically ever since MY HOUSE and I really don't care what anyone else thinks - its a matter of safety in my particular situation and safety will trump privacy every time in my opinion

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 12:51PM
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I agree with ceph, if there is any suspicion that kids room is turned inside out! Notes, clothes, books you name it!
As for poppin, yah she cares for her dh...we all care for our SO, but it sounds to me there is more to this story and for poppin to have it out with sd she's have to tell us detail on how she found the note.
Was she doing laundry and she found it while making sure all the pockets were clear of tissue paper or notes or receipts???? This is ususally how people find notes unless she purposely went in her room because of the past long history of drugs.
Poppin would have to clearify exactly how it went donw. ANd you never know, SD may have come up to her and got defensive before she has a chance to talk to her dh.
We will not know unless poppin clarifies.
Eitehr way i'm sure alot of people here as RESPONSIBLE PARENTS would turn their kids rooms upsidedown, SKIDS OR NOT, to make sure drugs are clear of the house.
God forbid a toddler goes into her room and eats the sh*T!
Plus, hate to tell you. She's 18. Legal adult and if another adult wanted a one on one on her as an 'adult' discussion or confrontation then she's old enough to handle it. eh?
I wouldn't confront my sd without first discussing with my dh BUT if she was 18, and was under OUR roof giving me attitude then she's old enough to get it on one on one with me and it wont have anythign to do in that sense with my dh. It would be definitely something between myself and another young adult.
When my father and i would fight my sm stayed clear out of it. And when i scrapped it out with my SM when i was 24 my father also stayed out of it. WHY? Because its between two woman.
So here is another side of the coin KKNY. Its a fight between two adults and its between poppin and sd. Hubby can be angry but he is also to blame for her daughter's actions as well. FOr lack of proper raising and not biting the drug problem in the first place. He should have been tougher.
And ceph didn't force this young adult out, she turned 18 and made the decision to go with mommy. Now lets see how mommy fixes this problem. ( since she visited her daughter every 2 months and left her with dad since she was 8 years old....mmm..not that close with her...i wonder how that relationship will go eh?)
Now that 's off my chest...other ladies have opinions ?

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 1:00PM
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Organic, I think most people here when they thought about situation, agree that SM should have consulted dad. I think if Dad wasnt handling SD how SM wanted, SM should have suggested counsleing with DAD to get help togehtoer as to problems. Honestly, if I ever remarried, and had a younger child in house, I would be concerned about drug issues -- but instead of fighting with SD, I would have discussed with DH. I think SM did defacto force the SD out. And now she is happy except that she is upset that Dad is mad at her. I think that was forseable.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 2:17PM
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Your husband may think KKNY is a bitter exwife, but she strikes me as an excellent mother. If I was a child or a teen, she is probably one of the posters I would most prefer to be my mom.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 3:55PM
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If I had reason to believe that any of my kids were doing something illegal I would go through their rooms. Of course I would discuss this with dh first. But if I did search their rooms I would read notes and look through everything! Notes can be the most incriminating evidence.

When I was teaching at an inner city school I recall a mother coming into the school with notes she had found in her 6th graders pants pockets. Was doing laundry and pulled stuff out of the pockets and the note was there and curiosity got the best of the mom. She found out that sex was happening on the back of the school busses. Oral sex and regular sex!!! If she had not found this note then who knows what could have happened to her daughter on the bus. STD's? Pregnancy?

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 8:44PM
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If there is a suspision of drugs there is no privacy at all.. I would go through everything, car, room, purse, I would even go to the school and check locker... If there is a drug issue you have got to be ontop of it and nip it asap....


    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 11:07PM
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Unfortunatley in poppins case the father is not dealing with it at all. So yes i do agree here that most poster would go and discuss with dh first, like i would and i also have the go ahead for future if he's not there at the time and moment.
She's raised her since she was 8. bm was not where around until recently so i think she did believe she had the right to do what she did even though it madeher dh angry. And i think dh was angry because she delt with it and he doesn't.
Either way, drugs are drugs and ther eis no privacy. And now sd can go for help because bm has the educationto do so....but because she is her motehr i think she will be ina biased position. Best for her to go through council and rehab.
mlly you found a gun!!!! Holy Sh**....i dont know if i would be able to live with this kid after that....oh boy.....

    Bookmark   May 10, 2009 at 7:30AM
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If anything shows up in my house I don't care who finds it as long as someone does and it is removed and handled post haste. I had so much trouble like that with my EX's habit. Now my oldest has had problems. DH and I both have at times checked his room. How much privacy to do you think if they went to jail?? Once you have proven yourself untrustworthy then until you can prove otherwise your room is going to be checked. A parent owes it to protect the child from himself and give them the tools to change. If Daddy is allowing drugs without fear then that is Co-dependent behaivor, let him be mad. If I turn a blind eye to my son's habit I would hope my DH is man enough to stop it. With other children in the house blood or not they deserve a drug free home.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 9:33AM
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You bet your sweet a** I would go through a room, read notes, look under mattresses, check drawers, check coat pockets, jean pockets, and look en every nook and cranny.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 2:00PM
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Yep. I would be turning the room upside down also if I suspected self destructive behavior. This goes double considering their mothers condition.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 2:44PM
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To clarify how I found the note, it was in SD's school agenda laying on the computer desk in the living room. I'm not in the habit of snooping just for fun. I thumbed through the agenda and found the note. I did talk to DH about it before I said anything to SD.

As I described before, DH is in the mindset that she's leaving soon so he doesn't feel it's necessary to get her all upset. I don't agree! I feel it's very necessary to confront her about her drug problem. And I am not forcing her out of the house. She has made the decision to go live with BM. This is HER decision. DH is just as ready at this point as I am for a break from the drama. We've told SD time and time again that she is more than welcome to stay or come back, but she must have a job and she's not allowed to bring her "druggie" boyfriend around. So SD decided maybe BM won't make her work and will let boyfriend hang out there. Typical 18 year old response, wanting it all handed to them without helping themselves!

I don't feel badly about how I reacted. My DH and I are a team, as well. We don't always do what pleases eachother, but we do always work it out in the end. I have been and would be more likely to go into my son's room to search for things if I thought something was out of sorts! I don't think I overstepped my boundaries with SD at all.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 9:28AM
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i know poppin you have tried your best. Its just the way you describe your hubby, he hasn't stepped up to the plate for his daughter.
and yah, kkny is accusing you of throwing your sd out. I just defended you on the other post saying exactly what you are syaing here. That sd decided to leave cause she is 18 and basically doesn't like your rules.
I guess i misunderstood about your hubby and you being a team. Through your posts, i got the impression that your dh just didnt' want to confront his daughter about the drug problem and you've been doinng all the raising. Did i get it wrong?
Anyways, computers are very limited and sometimes we are way off...
I would not feel bad at all in yoru circumstances as well. She's 18, yes she shoudl get a job and her loser boyfriend should be at a distance.
I dont think you overstepped your boundaries at all. You raised her for 10 years. You are her mother. Not biological but you practically adopted her but not legally. Either way, you are ina position not all sm are in. You raised her like your own. I think you have every right to rip her one. You tried to teach her right from wrong. Now that she's an adult, if she doesn't like it.well. she'll have to learn the hard way now. Just hope the drug issue doesn tget worse.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 9:40AM
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I snooped over the weekend... okay, I cleaned SD's desk because it was a horrible mess with papers sticking out of drawers. No, there is no suspicion on drugs, etc. I don't need to be suspicious of drugs... and I sure the hell don't have to toss the room if I suspect drugs! I can look at a kid and tell when they are high. There's no suspicion about it.... I know my kids! (and they can't lie to me... well, they can lie but I can tell when they are lying and I know BS when I hear it!) and I wasn't 'searching' for anything incriminating... I found a couple of notes she probably wouldn't want anyone to see... but then she shouldn't be writing that kind of stuff and leaving it in such a mess. I also found several pages of homework that she had claimed she turned in... not done and shoved in a drawer. She has three weeks of school left and has decided all of a sudden to stop turning in her homework. (Of course I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with her mom's claim that she's failing in school so custody should be changed so she won't fail in school... I'm sure a mom wouldn't tell a kid to fail on purpose so she can gain custody!)

I don't know where parents that give kids a right to expectation of privacy are coming from.... I just don't get that! No, a kid should not feel violated... but they do not have a right to privacy the way an adult does. When they have a job, when they pay the bills, when they have their OWN place, then they have a right to expect privacy! Until then, they are dependent on the parents and they have no rights. I grew up knowing my parents could search any part of their house at any time. I guess if I was going to do something wrong, I had better learn to hide it somewhere else. It would have been easy if I knew that my room was off limits to searches... I could have hid bodies in there!

Mutual respect? Parents are supposed to be in charge and superior to children. There is a hierarchy in parent/child relationships that seems to be fading in our society. Children respect parents... and grandparents. But, that seems to be falling to the wayside and now we need agencies to protect parents and grandparents from kids that don't respect them and take advantage of them or abuse them.

It is disgusting to me how many kids talk crap to their parents in public and I'm convinced that it's because these kids are made to feel they are entitled to be treated as if they are equal to an adult and that their wants are more important. I cannot imagine ever demanding my parents buy me something and if I asked and they said they can't afford it, that I would tell them "well you spent $XX on yourself!" as if I'm entitled because they spent their own money on themselves. That would NEVER happen in my youth but I hear that stuff all the time from kids today!

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 10:13AM
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Yes, all kids these days feel entitled. You are completely right. Andi have that attitude.
you want privacy, treated equal to an adult???? GET A JOB, PAY FOR BILLS AND BE AN ADULT. Until then, you're under my roof, you will follow my rules.
I understood it from my dad and now i'm applying the same to anyone under my household.
My skids do not live iwth me. they live with mom..but from what i'm hearing she is now telling daughter to get a job and to be more responsible. I wish her luck. She wont have it easy. Her kids have hit the teen years and from what i see from my nieces and friends kids, its not an easy age at all. To top it off, feeling entitled the way the do makes it even worse!
I would never in my day, think i'm equal to my parents in any shape way or form. i was grateful when they did give me change money to go buy a bag of chips!

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 10:33AM
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Have you ladies ever seen that show on MTV called Parental Control? It is where the parents do not like the son or daughters bf/gf, and they get the chance to hand pick from many the person they want to send their son/daughter on a date with (two dates, each parent picks a person). Then the parents have to sit there and watch how the dates go with the bf/gf. OMG, sometimes these kids are so freakin rude!!! I am always thinking this show has to be fake, because if that were me and my kid, there is no freakin way in he*l that some bf/ gf would EVER talk to me the way some of these kids do! Some one would be knocked the he*l out lol. It is a crazy show, you should check it out sometime...does have a bit of entertainment factor lol.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 3:47PM
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I snooped X's wallet a few times. He was a grown adult. But I felt that, as his wife and mother of his child, I am responsible for the well-being of my family. And if that meant finding out he was doing drugs and getting my son away from it, then so be it. I did find something. And it was part of what ruined my marriage. I couldn't let my son get ahold of something like that. If I suspected something was up, and I didn't find out what it was, and my son ended up in the hospital because he injested cocaine, I would be just as much at fault as X for not protecting my child.

Kids need to learn that their actions don't just effect themselves. Their actions, as minors, effect the parents, siblings, schools, parents of the other kids involved, etc. That's called LIFE. My actions don't just effect me. Same thing with inactions. Inaction can be just as bad or worse than actual actions.

That's a life lesson. You, of all people should know that, KKNY. You preach that all the time about your X cheating on and leaving you.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2009 at 2:51PM
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If you had bothered to read my comments on this and the related thread, you would see that my comments were mostly relating to snooping and taking action without parents input. Only after a number of comments did the orignal poster on the related thread, Poppin, say, Oh I did consult DH (which is strange that her DH texted her to complain about her aproach, and that she took a while to say it, but oh well). And yes there are life lessons -- as in chew out partners kid, said kid leaves and oops, maybe partner would have done the same thing, but not giving him/her input is likely going to annoy him.

But go on, I just love the SM brigade -- we're a team, dad and I --oops, unless I dont agree with his approach.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2009 at 2:57PM
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I'm a stepkids as well kkny...are you going to knock me down for that as well.
You are way too high on your horse my dear as a human being. Were you this miserable when you were married? Can it be one of the reasons your husband cheated on you because he was lackign something from you??
Men cheat because of several factors.
1. Because they are *ssH*les..and will never be loyal to anyone.
2. mid life crisis.. spare of the moment temptations
3. Miserable with wife because she doens' trealize SHE is destroying her relationship...
And i would not be surprised with the words that come out of yoru mouth sometimes if all of the above were true.
That being said KKNY. Sm moms are not a brigade and neither are BM. We are all human trying to raise our kids, adopte, bio or stepkids. Some have more difficult roads ahead of them and we all learn. But we do not need someone such as yourself with such negativity. Try bieng more positive and stop knocking someone down because they are a SM
OH yah, we are not children and do nto need permission to rip someone , including our dh's kids if they are rude and have it coming to them. Of Course, this also depends onthe circumstances, they age and all other details for the final outcome.
Yes, working as a team together is good and both partners donot always agree but its called comprimise
And no...dont use the excuse with 18 year old skids, biokids...with attitudes...stop taking things out of context and honest to GOD stop being such a petty person.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2009 at 6:19PM
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