Should BM and I meet-Advice Needed

charmed1May 4, 2009

My BF and I have been together for a few months (8 months tomorrow) and things are pretty serious at this stage. He has mentioned before that he wanted BM and I to meet. Now on my previous post I did mention that BM and I did bump into each other before (once in the mall when she acted very weird and 2nd when she followed me at the university). Both times was not ideal, BM was a bit confrontational the second time. I am going to start spending more time with my BF daughter, I really want to get to know her better. And I am a decent person, I want BM to meet me (officially), look maybe I am just being optimistic here but perhaps if she saw that I wasn't some psycho she wouldn't put up such a fuss when I spend time with her daughter.

Any thoughts on this? If we do meet should BF be there or would a one on one be better?

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Her behavior seems a little weird (stalking?) -- but then, I can see how she'd be curious...
Are you and your BF engaged? Talking about it? Moving in together?
And how did her relationship with your BF end? Did they agree to split? Or does she want him back?

I think meeting her is a good idea -- In a well-lit public place, of course ;-)
If there's any chance she wants him back, I'd meet without him. Competition for a guy often seems to mess up the female-female dynamic.
Maybe meet in a coffee shop, and arrange to have one of your girlfriends drop by after 15-30 minutes to make sure you're OK and drag you off to something urgent if needed.

Good Luck --

    Bookmark   May 4, 2009 at 10:09AM
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I agree that you should meet *at some point.* And like sweeby says, it depends on what your relationship with your BF is like, and it also depends on what the dynamics of their breakup/co-parenting relationship are like.

Take it from someone who's DH is a total wuss, though, and who met BM the WRONG way. We had been dating for about 4-5 months and I had kind of mentioned a few times to DH (BF at time) that maybe I should just be in the car sometime when he picked SS up, so that BM and I could meet in a very low-key manner.

He was *afraid* to do that because he said she would be really jealous/angry that we were getting serious.

The first time I met BM it was about 6 months into my relationship with him. We were at his house, it was mid-summer, and we were in the backyard with the kids, grilling out and just enjoying the evening. The gate to his yard opened up and BM stormed in! I about fell out of my chair!

She had been drinking (WOW, how things have changed! HA) and while she wasn't drunk, she was def. buzzed. And she was angry at DH for having his son around me without her meeting me, and she was just angry in general that we were together. She did NOT like seeing us do "family" type activities with the kids.

Anyway, DH escorted her out front to her car and I remember they got into a heated discussion. BM left angry.

THAT was my first meeting with her. Sad to say, things have not much improved now, 5+ years later.'

SO--looking back--I would do things differently. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. BUT I think if you can meet BM on good terms and get that relationship (b/c you WILL have to have some sort of repoire with her) off to a good start, then go for it.

What does your BF think?

    Bookmark   May 4, 2009 at 10:32AM
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I actually met BM long before DH and I were dating.
BM and DH had long since broken up, but she called DH and his then-GF last minute on NYE because her plans got canceled and asked to hang out with them. So she came to the party at MY house and was rather rude to me.
When I met her again after DH and I were dating, she was rather rude again and had no recollection of meeting me or being in my home.

But I think the best way is just at a pick-up of drop-off. Casual and matter-of-fact.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2009 at 12:17PM
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My X's exgirlfiend of 10 years (whom he met after about 7 years after our divorce) was nice to DD but rude to everyone else including me. She is known in the area where they live for rudeness. Was always resonably nice to DD though, but kind of hands off.

i have met X's current wife shortly after they got serious. even though i don't condone X leaving his long term GF for another woman and marrying her, I can kind of see why now. DD's SM is nice to people. And we get along well.

I don't think though you should meet just two of you. I think your BF should introduce you to BM. Don't do it without him. my X introduced me. i would not go and meet these women by myself. uncomfortable. now when i know SM i can meet just me and her but not the first time.

I have no interest in knowing my SO's X, plus his kids are grown.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2009 at 12:49PM
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I don't know if this is the best advice, but my situation is similar to yours and I've chosen not to meet or be around my mate's ex. I think it would only give her more ammo in some ways if she knew me better. She'd find something to pick on so I just keep a low profile. Again, it probably doesn't sound like the mature, adult thing to do, but the BM I'm dealing with is a nut-job so I think I made the best choice. However, if it's important to your boyfriend that you meet her, I would do it for him.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2009 at 2:34PM
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