Step Daughter's Wedding

southernsummerMay 17, 2014

I can honestly say that's step daughter's wedding last Saturday was the worst day of my life. Does anyone else have similar experiences???

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Care to share details?

    Bookmark   May 17, 2014 at 6:11AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Um, I don't know if I had had similar experiences, because you've not given any details about your experience. So ... ?

I will share my experience of my step-child's wedding if you will please tell me what you're asking.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2014 at 7:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I d like to hear about it too..A step Wedding brought me here years ago....

    Bookmark   May 18, 2014 at 10:39AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks for responding.

I survived my step son's wedding two years ago, mainly because his wife honestly did her very best to include me and make me feel a part of the wedding. As a result, all of the other steps, ex, and former inlaws were angry and didn't speak to us the entire evening.... awkward, but tolerable.

This time was different. My 30 year old step daughter, who we see very rarely, was married last Saturday. My husband and I wrote her a check last fall for $28,000 to pay for the wedding... Her request for her "wedding budget". My husband and his ex have been divorced 27 years. We have been married for 15 years. I am well employed and husband is retired.

After that, we never heard another word until we received a wedding invitation ... My husband and his ex wife "request the honor of your presence... at the marriage of their daughter" ...

Okay, so I paid for the wedding , and I'm okay with not being mentioned on the invitation. It was just awkward because we had no input or knowledge into who was invited, but that wasn't the worst part.

It was as though they were still married, and like I never even existed.
Every invitation was "parents" and "wedding party", and I wasn't in any pictures and not on the program. My husband and ex wife were like a married couple. The engagement party was scheduled on our 15th wedding anniversary, and we already had pans that we couldn't change.

It was really bizarre. The family (ex wife's sisters) sat in the center front pew, and both mothers ( ex wife and groom's mother) were escorted in and each had a bouquet. I sat on the far left of the church... No flowers, of course. I sat with our two kids, who were also not involved. It was incredibly hurtful. I was just completely used and snubbed.

On paper, this doesn't sound as weird and un-nerving as it was, but I was stunned. This was a huge church wedding and a large outdoor reception with a full band and dinner at a local mansion. It was an elaborate wedding that was the ultimate step daughter fantasy that her parents were still married to each other.

She often told me that had I not been in the picture that her parents would have eventually re-married. Seriously????

They divorced due to alcoholism of ex-wife and both of her parents. My husband said he just couldn't stand the constant DUIs, rehab and therapy bills, and disfunctionality. He said it reminded him of the movie "August Osage County".

We all live in the same small town. My husband warned me and predicted that it was going to be bad, but I wasn't expecting this. He even suggested that I not attend, but who knew????

There are a lot more details which I will spare you. I am a strong woman and I have nerves of steel, but I left the wedding after my husband's dance with his daughter, and I cried for days.

There is no advice needed here. Just venting, I suppose.
I never want any further contact with any of them. They are terrible rude people, and I just didn't see it coming, as I should have.

My husband and I have never had any issues, except regarding his awful ex and his kids, who we almost never see. Hopefully, this is the end of those relationships. This was certainly not the first time they have been hateful to me, it's just the worst.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2014 at 11:12PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am not certain why you and your DH would write a check without his demanding some input. Were his relatives invited? His close friends? Traditionally whichever parent the bride was raised with gets first dibs on front row, and if she doesn't want SM in front row, SM sits further back. As to the programs, were any other step parents mentioned? I think she might have omitted programs, or listed mom first, and on the next line listed you next to Dad, as in Father of the Bride, Mr. Summer, accompanied by his wife, Mrs. Summer. As to photos, DH should have insisted on at least one with you two and happy couple, but bride should still be allowed family photos without you in them. The bride was in her teens when you got married, so her not seeing you as a SM but rather as dad's wife is understandable. I can see your not getting a corsage. Yes, florists may say well of course every SM gets one, but that is not true. I am sorry you cried for days, but I do not see this as a total snub. The bride may not have wanted to discuss things with you, as she may have felt you would make too many demands. There is no obligation for a bride to have anyone in her wedding party, and as your kids (her half-siblings) are at least 14 years younger she may not have wanted that.

I am sorry you were so upset by this

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 6:25AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am the only step parent. Ex wife never remarried. We have paid for private school, college, trips to Europe, etc etc.

Ex's sister is widowed, but owns about 200 restaurant franchises. Big money, ranch, homes, etc.

Step daughter lived with us for 6 months after graduation.
We were much closer until SD's trust fund ran out about two years ago.
She initiated legal proceedings against my husband at the time, because she she couldn't believe the money was gone.

We live about a mile from ex wife. My husband raised his son and she raised their daughter. Husband paid her child support on both kids, even though he raised son.

I wasn't in any pictures at all, and not even present. I was told to wear beige, which I did. Moms wore gold satin.

All of my husband's family is dead, so it is just me and our two kids.
She has three sisters, all married with kids and grand kids. Yes, all in photos and wedding party, even new husband of sister married one year.

Mutual friends of husband and ex were invited, but no input into guest list. My husband inquired and she said she didn't have any extra invitations., He didn't ask about anything else, mainly because my husband didn't want to interact with his ex wife and he considered his daughter an adult, and thought she could handle it. There were about 300 people at the wedding, including ex wife's divorce attorney and attorneys who handled trust fund law suit.

I would never have treated someone like that. Literally, it was as though my husband had never remarried and they had been married for forty years. I don't care about front row, just common courtesy. I was simply the person who paid for the wedding and that is all. My husband and his ex were like a couple.... "Who gives this woman? Her mother and I".

Step daughter did contact my husband a few days after the wedding and they had coffee.

I expedited to be treated badly, but someone could have spoken to me, I think I could have been involved in something.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 8:34AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am going to answer my own post.

Yes, I was used, and this is my learning opportunity.

Husband is loyal, and my step kids are tacky.

My husband gave my step son his deceased grandmother's three carat diamond engagement ring for his wife's engagement ring. He lied and told everyone that he bought the ring himself . When my step daughter asked my step son about their grandmother's diamond, he told her that I took it. She was furious at me, and I had no idea why, until it all came out.

This is a good time for closure and a clean break.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 8:52AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm so sorry.

Your problem isn't the ex & the stepdaughter;
it's your husband.

Although you've been married 15 years,
he didn't demand that they show you any respect,
he didn't demand that you sit with him,
he didn't insist that you stand beside him in the wedding photos.

He did just what they told him to do.

Whether you decide to let is all go by like water under the bridge or whether you smack him upside the head (figuratively of course), please be *very* sure that you are protected in the event of his death or disability.

This is the kind of family that'll swoop down & freeze the bank accounts & pitch you into the street if they can.

& unfortunately, it sounds like your husband would
1) deny that they'd do it &
2) not do anything to keep them from doing it & unfortunately
3) blab to them if you & he make arrangements to protect you & exclude them, which would give them the opportunity to pressure him to change the arrangements.

so you need to be sure that whatever changes you make cannot be 'unmade' without your knowledge & consent.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 9:40AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sylvia, that does put it into perspective.
Yes we have a trust that protects me.
Very good point.

My husband has a phobia of conflict.

Knowing that, water under the bridge is a good way to describe it,
But I won't be participating in or funding any more step family events or anything else.

My husband feels the same way. He was not interested in creating conflict at the wedding, but has rather cut the cord on the back end. More like, "it was your wedding, but this was the last opportunity you will ever have to treat us badly. "

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 12:52PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hi Summer, Pretty much everything that happened to you happened to me too, but my problems began with the shower invitation(or lack there of LOL) " You don't want to come to my shower, do you???" Hhhmmm, No I guess I don't....Rehearsal was fully funded by us, we got an invitation in the mail with YOU RE INVITED!!!!" and her parents name and contact info...No one knew we paid or hosted..Got yelled at for no wine on BMs table by Skid...Hostess told me that in the area dinner was held, you do not put liquor on the ministers table, which was where BM sat..Skid bawled me out in front of everyone and stormed off, as if I purposely slighted BM...DH was critically ill at the time and hadn't received a paycheck for 5 months prior to wedding..He was hounded to pay for half of that also....Even tho skid had the money in the bank..Day of wedding, skid still fuming over no wine for mom put me in the basement of the church while everyone else was upstairs waiting. Escorted me to my seat with a scowl, or no maybe a grimace LOL....DH was allowed 8 guests, party was for 400......I also left early...Never spoke to skid again and its been years...DH also supportive of me, because he s said many times that I ve never been anything but nice to this kid...He has 2 kids, the other is a polar opposite...This Mothers Day, he sent a card and a note that made me cry it was so sweet...I ve never treated them differently...I do believe BM PASed the older one more than the younger one...I hate for DH s sake the family is so fractured, but I m fine with him visiting alone, and I buy the gifts for him to bring to them..But he goes for months without contact, seems he s always angry about something, who knows what?

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 3:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Some of your complaints valid. Some are not.

You say " husband and his ex were like a couple.... "Who gives this woman? Her mother and I""

That question and answer was entirely appropriate. The SD may say that they don't want to deal with you because you are too demanding. Her parents are still her parents.

You make a big deal at first that he is retired and you are working, but now you say there is a trust to protect you. Sounds to me that he has a fair amount of money, which he should be allowed to spend.

You say you could have handled a bigger role at the wedding -- you have no right to ask for that. You were invited as an honored guest.

This post was edited by kkny on Mon, May 19, 14 at 16:50

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 3:38PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Dotz, I understand how you feel.

I was not an honored guest. I paid for the entire wedding myself. Ex didn't contribute anything financially... Never has.

Everything we own jointly is in a trust. I sold 30k of my own stock to pay for the wedding because it was less complicated than pulling money out of a trust. I don't tell hubby how to spend his money , but we have no disagreements about money . It could have just as easily come from a different joint source. But it didn't . I paid for it. Hubby is financially independent due to his parents' death when he was in his early 30's. He inherited a business which he sold after we married. His only brother died 5 years ago. Hubby invested his money well. Both of his kids had trust funds from their grandparents that they ran through. They finally zeroed out a couple of years ago.

I get "her mother and I" but every guest at the wedding was treated better than I was. How was I honored? I waited in the basement also... I didn't think about it until Dotz mentioned it.

Interesting Dotz... Same thing about the shower .... We always leave town for Easter to visit my parents.... She said to DH "of course you will be out if town and can't come ...."

Maybe it's cultural. In the south, we speak to each other and say hello and please and thank you. To have no one from the family make eye contact or say a single word was hurtful. I was literally invisible.

My son's high school graduation is Thursday and my step son says he is coming. It's a free country, and he is welcome to do that.
Would I ignore him and not speak or make eye contact because he is only an honored guest? I know for certain, I am never including any of them again in anything.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2014 at 12:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

They have never given me a chance.
I have just finally come to realize that they never will.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2014 at 12:57AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I don't know why you waited in the basement, most guests just go in. If you thought you should be allowed to wait with wedding party, then you were overstepping. If you were demanding to be treated as a MOB or BOG, then they likely decided that was not going to happen. Its like your complaints re flowers, etc. You were not a MOB or MOG, and the tension is clear. As to money, its seems you think that what is yours is yours, but what is your DH's should be yours too eventually. You say you wrote check, but if the SD knows that dad has money and you two chose for you to write check, that's not on them.

I am guessing guests thought you and DH were the rude ones when you left early. I assume he gave bride away, he has dance with her and you were escorted to your seat. You blow up other things. Do what you want, but a lot of the stuff you mention (like your kids and you not getting a role in wedding, you not getting flowers like MOB) are things that you are not entitled to and your complaining makes me ask who is the entitled one here.

This post was edited by kkny on Tue, May 20, 14 at 6:38

    Bookmark   May 20, 2014 at 6:23AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The basement is where my husband, myself and the kids were asked to wait for the wedding to begin. It was like a fellowship hall, so really not that bad.

Okay, so I will just get over it.

Thanks for the advice.

I don't expect to be mother of anything.
Just common courtesy.

They all had money ... Divided about 8 million three ways.
Step kids spent theirs and husband invested his.
Inheritance? Hmmmmm. Since I'm obviously not family with these kids,
That's an interesting question. If they don't consider me family, then maybe I only have two kids and not four.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2014 at 9:22AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Summer, Congrats on DS Grad..Absolutely speak and be polite.Why lower yourself ??? They set the bar for manners pretty low LOL You don't have to...I didn't see anything in your post where you demanded anything!!! Expectations to be treated like a human being with feelings are the bare minimum at a step wedding!!!! I wanted to be invisible too, was certainly not mouthy or demanding of anything!!! Skid and my bridges are burned over the wedding, I saw him once at a funeral, we did not make eye contact or speak. If he spoke or apologized, I would have been polite back I think...

    Bookmark   May 20, 2014 at 11:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Southernsummer, I'd take kkny's comments with the knowledge of where they come from. She hasn't posted here for a while but in case you don't remember she has a down on all stepmothers (except maybe the ones who totally support themselves, have no expectation of inheriting from their husbands leaving the field clear for the kids to get everything, and who have minimal to no contact with their stepchildren).

I do think your stepdaughter was unconscionably rude, she could have treated you politely without giving you the same status as her mother. Especially since you were paying for it (even if she assumed her father had some contribution).

    Bookmark   May 20, 2014 at 9:59PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks, Colleen and Dotz.

I remember KK now. -- For a second I was afraid that she was my husband's ex wife.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2014 at 11:42PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"if the kids don't like you so they are constantly making demands to take the attention away from your relationship, and HE ALLOWS IT, then run. Do not walk away... RUN AWAY!!! If he can't see the difference between meeting the needs of his children by being a good, devoted father and their manipulations to interfere in his relationships (with you or anyone else), then he is not "the ONE". Remember, he is single for a reason. If he's TOO NICE... that is another way of saying they can walk all over him and in that case, it's not a plus. It's great to find a nice guy but allowing his ex or his kids to treat his new relationship poorly is not very nice, is it?"

This is a quote from Imamommy, also on this site. I can so see my husband and myself in this. He is a doormat , and his ex and his kids run over us. Sylvia, you are right....we simply have repeated the same script over and over.

I would rather be alone than put up with people who make me feel alone.
I never allowed my kids to treat his ex with disrespect, and this is closure for me. I'm moving on in my life. I'm curtain off all contact with his kids and ex. They are his problem, and he can deal with the longstanding disrespect that he has allowed to fester for so long. We are moving on with or without him, but I'm not putting up with this crap any more.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2014 at 12:52AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yep, I am the unreasonable one. Sarcasm on.

Complaints of

1. SM didn't get as nice seating as the mother of the bride

2. SM didn't get flowers like mother of the bride.

Newsflash -- being dad's wife doesn't make you a mother of the bride. You are an invited guest. And if you leave early over not getting flowers or the best seat in the house, it's your decision.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2014 at 7:18AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Numerous wedding websites devoted to step issues as to seating and flowers, dad and his wife , row 2, flowers, yes, the only reason to omit them are rudeness, meanness and spite..If you want to raise your children and encourage that kind of behavior, that's your decision....I don't see any hint of Summer wanting to place herself above BM,just normal courtesy.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2014 at 10:11AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks everyone for your help and advice.

My life has changed considerably since the wedding.

I have cut off all contact with steps, whom I now refer to as "his children". plan to never see or talk to them again. My husband can have whatever contact they will allow, but there is no useful purpose in continuing any relationship with them, since my only role has been financial anyway, apparently.

My role is wife to their father, and not family or friend to them.

The flowers and seating are not the issue; the issue is the sudden realization that I mean nothing to them. Now that I know my role, it is much easier.

My husband's son, his wife and baby, and his mother were our house guests that weekend, but for future visits, they can stay at a hotel. I am not a cook, maid, and check-writer; I am a person with feelings. I am only a wife and mother to two of his children, and there will be no other roles, no more hosting events, and no more silent treatment.

For baby's christening, my husband can attend alone.

I returned or gave away all nursery furniture, hand made quilts / items I made or purchased for visits.

KK, thank you for your perspective, because if I am not family, then I feel completely justified in no longer treating them all the same for birthday and Christmas checks, etc. I can double my children's gifts and inheritance.
Feels so good to be free of the aggravation. I have been way too generous and I have def been a doormat. No more, sister.

At least I know my role, now, and I can avoid the misunderstanding that somehow, I am a friend of the family. I won't make that mistake again.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2014 at 6:21AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The second row would have been fine, but I was up against the left wall. I couldn't see anything except the bridesmaids on the left.
I get it.

Why did she assign me a color to wear (beige) if I wasn't going to be involved, except to make sure I looked like a jerk, compared to the mothers (Gold taffeta)?

There's no subtlety here, and I get it.
I just won't let it happen again.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2014 at 7:06AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Dotz, many wedding sites say SM sits 2 or 3 rows back (and if OW, way in back, or she should stay home), flowers optional for SM.

Pick what sites you want, but SM is not a mom.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2014 at 10:49AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

And SD and SS are not daughter and son. No problem.
The gravy train is over. They are just the unfortunate
By products of my husbands failed relationship.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2014 at 11:44AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Summer, You got assigned a COLOR!!, No one told me anything about what was expected from me!! LOL Lucky you!!!

    Bookmark   June 1, 2014 at 12:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks, Dotz.

Sorry about your experience.
It is very hurtful, and as the minister told me,
"Weddings seldom bring out the best in people."

    Bookmark   June 1, 2014 at 5:17PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hey Summer, I d say the minister could be right, but I ve seen weddings bring out the best in people too...So proud of my brothers and nieces and nephews weddings...Lets get elderly uncle a ride, or he cant come..Lets send a hair dresser to old aunties house so she looks and feels good...Even tho moneys tight, we cant forget the neighbor who s been so good to us when we were children...Bitter exes with axes to grind look just like what they are...I don't know ANY SMs personally that want to take equal, or better places in wedding than moms, a lot of us would probably rather be anywhere else in the world except a place where the SKs and EX don't want us, but our HUSBANDS do...If they took the position of lets not exclude or hurt dads WIFE, she didn't do anything but marry my dad, her very presence shouldn't offend them, all would be well....I guess some BMs cant rise above the jealousy, bitterness, pettiness of some one else is with my childs father, and pass it along to bride/groom...

    Bookmark   June 2, 2014 at 12:49AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yes, KKNY, we all know southernsummer wasn't the Mom, but, you know, it seems to me that if someone who wasn't even my Mom gifted me with close to $30K, I'd find it in my heart to be gracious to her. But I like to think I have class.
OTOH, every time you post, I think, "You know, I can totally understand why KKNY's ex is her ex."

    Bookmark   June 2, 2014 at 2:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

If all of you couldn't all sit in first row with M o B having the isle seat then row 2 would be fine. A small corsage would be appropiate if your DH has a boutineer. Telling you what color to wear is just wrong. A few pictures with you included, again appropiate. Bride would want some with just her mom & dad, that is okay. The bride showed her lack of manners. No quest should be treated with such a lack of respect especially her dad's wife!

    Bookmark   June 2, 2014 at 12:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks, all.

The final result of all of this is that I am no longer involved at all.

The quiet has been so peaceful.

I wish I had done this years ago.

Thank you for your support and advice.

KK says that this was not a snub, and I shouldn't take it that way.
KK if you had been there, it would have been obvious.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2014 at 7:40AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


sounds like you had to endure an awful experience in order to finally free yourself and your children from a toxic situation. In the long run, this is a good thing, because the alcoholic ex, and her damaged children, won't bring anything good to your lives, or to the lives of your children. Worse, they are going to produce another generation of leaches, that could prey on your children.

I strongly agree with Sylvia that you need to take some steps to make sure that your children receive the benefit of your husband's estate. That may mean transferring some assets into a trust for them now. You have already paid for the stepkids to go to college and have lavish weddings. Now it is time to ensure that your kids have the benefit of the same advantages.

You also need to make sure that your wills are very clear and that your real estate and retirement funds are set up so that your children receive them automatically upon death, and these assets don't fall into the estate, if possible.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2014 at 2:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Coleen, the money doesn't seem clear -- it seems to some people here, dad's money is dad/SM money, but SM money is SM money.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2014 at 7:10PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

" I sold 30k of my own stock to pay for the wedding because it was less complicated than pulling money out of a trust."
Seems pretty clear to me. But I know you have selective reading when it comes to SMs.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2014 at 10:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It's the rejection that is the hardest to take.
Especially, when my heart was so open to them.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2014 at 9:07AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I can certainly relate, I wrote on this forum about my stepdaughter's wedding, shower, etc. back in 2012. I wish I could tell all stepmoms BEFORE their stepchild's weddings not to have any high expectations. That way there is no disappointment. We gave $4,000 to my stepdaughter's wedding costs and were treated like crap, so I can only imagine how you feel. I wasn't told what to wear either, until the 11th hour and I was told to wear champagne or cream, when I learned that everyone else was wearing dark colors. It was the MOB that wanted me to wear the light color and she hates me btw. A light color would make me stand out and look fat, that's reality. So I found this gorgeous black and cream dress, lost 12 pounds before the wedding and I have to say I looked awesme and thinner than the MOB! I know that sounds childish but if you can't beat em, join em. When I arrived for photos at her house, she made me walk around back instead of through her house. It had rained alot the night before and my shoes and the bottom of my dress got mud on them, but I just smiled and never actually had a photo taken. I laughed about the mud and that irritated her. Keep in mind that 6 months prior we had an engagement party for SD at our home and treated the MOB and her mother like guests of honor. Life isn't fair. Knowing how things would probably go with seating and other issues, my husband put his foot down early in the game and made just a few reasonable demands which I think he had the right to do. But he shouldn't have had to do that, it's all about respect. He had no input on anything else. Summer, maybe you shouldn't be complaining about some of these things, but the bottom line is that you were hurt and I know how that feels. Now you can focus on your children and their future weddings. I'm sorry this happened to you.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2014 at 6:52AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks, Karen. I'm going to look for your 2012 posts.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2014 at 12:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Haven't been to this site or posted forever but have had similar experiences with my husband's adult children. At the wedding of my husband's youngest son, I was treated in a very similar fashion to how others here have described. A couple years later, the oldest son was married. Much better treatment but not without its own issues (rehearsal dinner paid for by DH & I. The ex offered to "help" the bride to be in taking over having invites to the rehearsal dinner printed and mailed. From the way she had them worded, you would have never known they had been divorced...sigh...)

The final straw for me came three years ago when I flew out to join DH who was visiting his youngest son, spending time with his then 10 month old grandson. Since the birth of his son's first child, DH would stay at his son's home, at his son's invitation and insistance. I had stayed there once or twice at the was always awkward and uncomfortable, mostly because the son's wife was always so rude. Anyway, long story short, as I was boarding the plane here on the east coast for a flight to the west coast, DH and his son were having a conversation that went something like this:
"Dad, don't take this the wrong way, but you know when you've been here before, you've always stayed in a hotel...?" Since DH hadn't stayed in a hotel for at least 4 years when visiting his son and, since he had been at his son's house the previous 3 days, DH was confused to say the least. Further discussion made it clear that it was I who was not welcome to stay there. All this was unbeknownst to me. I arrived that evening. Apparently DH thought things would calm down, brought me back to his son's home when I arrived in town that night. The next morning when I woke up and came downstairs, you could have cut the tension with a knife...and we left town early that afternoon. It was only as we were driving away that DH told me what had transpired. To this day, I wish DH would have texted me about his conversation with his son, told me not to board the plane and he would explain later.

Since then, I have given up trying to have a relationship with that son and his family. I encourage DH to visit him and he has done so. A few months ago, a maternal grandparent to DH's children died. This son and his family came back for the funeral. I told DH his son was wlecome in our home --- just let me know if and when they were coming over because I would not be present
--- and I wasn't. I feel some sadness that I don't get to enoy DH's grandchildren with him...but I am simply not willing to allow myself to be a doormat to his son and daughter-in-law anymore and won't subject myself to their presence.

Life is much more pleasant now. :-)

    Bookmark   June 18, 2014 at 5:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


I'm so sorry about the way you were treated. You were kind to allow SS to stay in your home... Especially when they did not welcome you. I agree with your decision to abort the relationships, as I have. We would never tolerate similar treatment from strangers, and your SS would not tolerate similar disrespect for his wife. Your husband was right to stand up for you.

Personally, the tranquility I have felt since removing myself from the steps has been so liberating. It has been like a shroud lifted.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2014 at 9:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I went to great lengths to make sure SM and her parents were treated with respect at my son's wedding. It was not much of a problem since my children were not raised to treat people like that.

She still carried on like a two year old.

I have to ask are some of you the dreaded "other woman"? That would explain some of the behavior.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2014 at 8:45PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yes, I met my husband ten years after his divorce.
BUT my SD told me many times that had it not been for me, that her parents would have eventually remarried. So yes, I the other woman.... In their bizarre psychotic stalker fantasy world.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2014 at 4:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I do understand the bizarre fantasy. Your husband really needs to tell his daughter that he was not ever and will not ever get back with his ex.

I was so grateful when my ex did remarry because I thought maybe he would leave me alone. See, I was done...turns out after he did not have me any more that he wanted me back. I ended up several times reminding him he had a wife and to go home. She ended up getting jealous but like many women blamed the wrong person.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2014 at 7:17PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

And my husband's ex-wife was the one who filed for divorce and changed the locks. But she strangely thought nothing would change, and resented the hell out of ME when after ten years, we married.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2014 at 7:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I hear that a lot that the ex spouse who actually filed for the divorce is the one who can't move on. I think they really wanted the soon to be ex to protest, throw a fit, beg for forgiveness ( even if they had nothing to apologize for), or otherwise show they can't live without the one who filed.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2014 at 1:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

No "Other" woman here either..Divorced for years and he came to my state after..She did so many things to get him back after she found out he was dating. And also, she wanted the divorce and threw him out...Then apparently realized her mistake...And set out to punish him with false contempts of court, costing us a lot of money to defend against her always false accusations...PAS ed the kids, called our accountant snooping for info, wanted more money, tried to set up meets with him alone, bashed me to the Sks,Honestly, there were about 20 court actions, beginning when we started dating..Previous 3 years ZERO...SK 1 s wedding was a nightmare..SK 2 and I get along nicely, when he gets married I don't think it will be as bad..He never allowed the PAS to color his opinion of me, and for that I m grateful.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2014 at 2:06PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I wonder if these women realize how much time they are wasting by not moving on.
The bizarre one in my situation is the SM. She can keep my ex!
It is like she is in some competition with me. Craziest thing you have ever seen.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2014 at 7:48PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My husband and I were invited to the christening of my stepson's baby next month, because they want "all the grand parents" there for the service and lunch at their home afterwards. I very graciously declined for myself. I can spot an ambush a mile away. Hubby can go if he wants to, and they can play fantasy still married if they want to.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2014 at 9:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Frankly, I'd suggest not calling these people your stepsons/stepdaughters. I'd call them "my husband's son/daughter". Small thing, but it'd give me some internal pleasure!

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:46AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Frankly, I'd suggest not calling these people your stepsons/stepdaughters. I'd call them "my husband's son/daughter". Small thing, but it'd give me some internal pleasure!

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:49AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I just have to add one piece to this whole thread:

The idea of the bride's parents paying for the entire wedding is an ancient practice that no longer should apply in most cases.

Today, many couples who get married are in their mid twenties (or older!), have jobs (or are capable of getting one), and often have been living together prior to the marriage, so their household is already set up with all the basic stuff.

Why should parents be expected to pay for a wedding for a couple in those circumstances?

It should be the parent's choice as to how much they will contribute. And there should be no expectation that a parent must contribute anything.

It's time for parents to start looking our for their own financial interests once their children reach the age of 18.

Putting 28K in a retirement account for the parents would be a much better choice than spending 28K on a wedding that more than likely will end in divorce, because if SD treats SM poorly, it's a guarantee she ultimately will treat her own husband the same way if she doesn't get her way all the time!

    Bookmark   August 1, 2014 at 9:40AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

As I said earlier in the thread,SS had enough money in the bank to pay for his wedding. Also bride was only daughter of a wealthy man.. SS said if we paid half, the brides father would pay half, as if this was a good deal for us. This had to be a lie.Why would a wealthy man ask someone else to pay for his daughters wedding? DH was critically ill at the time and had been off work for months, with his disability pay being 10 dollars a week short of weekly CS payments...He never missed a CS payment . But bad timing to ask for a wedding which I m sure the brides father paid 100% for. Pretty sure BM told him to ask DH to pay, so they would be ahead financially ....If he had asked for a loan until after the wedding and pay it back after , that would have been reasonable...That he didn't care what circumstance DH was in, and he blames me for not getting the money galls me to this day.Spoiled, entitled and unappreciative of the rehearsal dinner for 45 people and the nice cash gift for wedding gift...Like Summer, I disengaged and have not spoken to him in years...

    Bookmark   August 1, 2014 at 11:01AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Disengagement is often the best answer.

Basically, we have chosen to completely disengage from my husband's family events, because his SD has acted so rudely to us during them. We visit and call his mother, and he still interacts with some of his siblings on an individual basis, but no more family fiascoes for us, thank you very much!

Drama Free is for Me! :-)

    Bookmark   August 1, 2014 at 11:59AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Happily, I agree with you. My husband's daughter is 29 years old, and had been living out of state with her boyfriend, an oil executive, for over a year. But we allowed ourselves to be manipulated.

It was the final straw for me, and it was the closure that I needed to be done forever.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2014 at 6:45PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

'Drama Free is for Me'

sounds like a nice thing to needlepoint on a sampler!

    Bookmark   August 1, 2014 at 7:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Southernsummer: I feel so sad that you had to experience the deliberate shunning and disrespect at your SD's wedding. But, I am so happy that you have broken free from her manipulations, disrespect, and negativity! You will find true peace now that she can no longer push your buttons. Best wishes to you and your husband!

    Bookmark   August 1, 2014 at 8:21PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Happily, thank you for your kind words. I have completely disengaged, and DH stays connected on a carefully limited basis. The christening is next week, and DH and my son are going, which is fine with me, as long as I am completely uninvolved.

Drama Free For Me!

    Bookmark   August 2, 2014 at 11:01AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Good for you!

We should start the DFFM Club!!!!!

    Bookmark   August 2, 2014 at 2:42PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Too much?? advice please
Hi. I am a Mum of 2- one being a step child, I am 27...
step adult kids
Where and how do I start.. my wife has two adult kids....
If I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
It seems my five-year-old topic has reached its limit...
Post Partum Depression Because of Step-Grandmother?
I have a 5 year old boy and a 4 month old girl. I was...
how much child support do you pay?
Hi everyone. I have been a non-custodial stepmom for...
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™