Conflicting Events and Challenges

lifebeautifulMay 27, 2014

I have a new partner/widower in my life. I left everything I know: job, friends and family to join him in our new life together in his, now our home. The love we feel for each other is truly grand. Now if everyone saw that ;) And that is where the challenges begin and that is what you all have experienced - adult children. I have none and he has four and some grandchildren whom I haven't met. The relationships between everyone is strained because it's not been a year since their mother died. I cannot even imagine their thoughts and emotions they are going through when their father takes on a new partner within months of their mother's death. I'm trying to be patient and understanding. He is also trying to maintain a good relationship with them which again, I understand. It's just hard on me too. I have done nothing wrong, but I feel like the mistress and the outsider. They are still mourning and grieving, I would imagine and I feel that his bond with his children too are so important.

A current situation is that my family is coming to visit us and his family is not aware of this. I imagine it would bring additional strain and stress if we were to tell them. And then the questions is must we tell them everything? The reason I bring this up is because the adult children want to celebrate father's day with him, the same weekend my family is to visit. Other weekends are impossible right now due to being out of town. Do we tell them, does he go off and do his own thing while the outsider and her family hang out for awhile. I want to keep the peace and ensure he has a good foundation with his kids, and while none of this is about me, I do still hurt.

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sylviatexas1

You uprooted your entire life & he can't stand up to his kids?

'none of this is about me'

Oh, yes, baby, it's about you-
It's about how & where you're living your life, & he was instrumental in the drastic changes you made.

You quit your job & left friends & family to be with this guy.

While it was a rash thing for you to do, you didn't do it on your own;
this man wanted you in his life, whether because he really does love you or because he can't bear the grief alone doesn't matter at this point.

Actions were taken, bridges were...charred if not burned...
& he was & is a part of those actions.

I hate to say it, because you obviously have stars in your eyes & want this relationship to work, but if he can't or won't act like a loyal partner (tell his children that your family is coming, make his children behave civilly toward you), then you might need to re-build those bridges.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2014 at 6:36PM
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Amber3902

You say you left your job, family and friends to be with this guy, let me guess, you met him online?

Everyone grieves in different ways, but it does seem rather rash to start dating someone new only a few months after your wife has died.

You feel that you have done nothing wrong, but you had to have known that this guy's children might have a problem with him dating so quickly after their mother's death.

Did it never occur to you that you might just be a rebound for this guy?

This relationship does not have a good foundation. A good relationship should not hurt.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2014 at 12:25PM
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susanjn

" The reason I bring this up is because the adult children want to celebrate father's day with him, the same weekend my family is to visit."

Is this Father's Day weekend? Or have they chosen another weekend to celebrate?

If it is actually Father's Day weekend, then I think you have to do things separately with your family (not just hang out and wait for him) while he has time with his children. You have to be a little more independent. Did you expect to co-opt Father's Day from them?

If it is a different weekend, then he could tell them he will have out-of-town guests (wouldn't matter who), and another weekend would be better.

I really agree with Amber. You may have done nothing "wrong" except you stepped into a big mess getting so heavily involved with a man so soon after the death of his wife.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2014 at 12:48PM
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dotz_gw

Is this the SKs childhood home you live in? If it is, I d suggest you and your family do a day outside the house and let them have Fathers Day together there, unless they have dinner or other plans outside the home...Even if this is the only weekend your family can come, you will be seen as trying to interfere with their plans and after all, it is Dads day..

    Bookmark   May 28, 2014 at 5:44PM
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Karen10125

Since their mother died less than a year ago, they should totally have Father's Day with their dad and not have to deal with you or your family. Sorry, but they've had a huge loss and for that particular day, they should be his priority and he should be theirs. You may not have done anything wrong or had bad intentions, but you did step into this knowing all the facts. That said, everyone grieves differently and this man may have a hard time being alone. His adult children should understand that and look at you as someone helping their dad through a painful time. Still, Fathers Day, especially this year, is his day with his kids, period. You should go somewhere else with your family.

This post was edited by Karen10125 on Fri, Jun 13, 14 at 8:44

    Bookmark   June 12, 2014 at 8:01AM
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stepmomofthree

People are different, and some people quickly find new partners after being widowed. This is especially true after a spouse dies after a long illness. The widow/widower may have been lonely for a long time.

I can understand that his kids are still grieving, and you seem to be very sensitive and kind about that issue. However, you shouldn't be made to feel like a mistress or an outsider. You are Dad's new partner, and they should be grateful that he has someone to love. I strongly encourage you to have an open conversation with your partner about this, and maybe seek some counselling together. Your partner may need some advice and some tools for communicating with his children and setting boundaries.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2014 at 11:55AM
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Mom-of-all-trades

If this is a second post I apologize. It doesn't the first one as posting.

I agree as do many experts that you should wait at least a year after the loss of a spies before starting a serious relationship. I think some of the concern is that you are a live in SO and not his wife. I am sure though his children do not want him to get married again yet.

I think you should get a job if you do not already and find some friends. I think you will need them.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2014 at 8:31AM
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