SS problem

wallypogMay 23, 2009

Been remarried X 5 years to a perfect lady but her son has worked to sabotage the relationship from day 1, and I think he has succeeded. We were both married just once before and each of us for over 20 years. We both had 2 adopted sons (4 total). She could never have children. Her youngest chose to live with us. I am retired and my wife is an RN. I do all the housework ( I do windows, carpets, the whole 9 yards). I do all the cooking (including all the big holiday meals). I do all the yard work. I keep our home and our finances in order.

The SS has no respect for me. He was 13 when we married and slummed his way through HS. He won't study, has no interests or ambition. He has a picky appetite and refuses to eat much of what I make. He'll throw half a steak in the trash. Never touches any left overs. He is a slob. Used to stuff trash in the TV room couch until he got banned from there. Yard work, won't lift a finger unless you ride him. He can't find a job and those we got him he quit. He sucks up to mom and she buys or makes up every excuse in creation for his attitude, behavior, laziness, messiness, etc... He had as much as $4,000.00 in saving that he went through like water. Recently we found that he'd stolen and hocked 50 DVDs. She knows he could be better, but "he's is not as bad as other teens".

The wife started handing me the marginal treatment. You know, finding nothing you say interesting or funny. Plowing the field for the problems. Setting the stage to call it quits. We have counseling to come but I see no easy solution. I think it is going to end. I don't want to be 60 and single. She is such a wonderful person and her son will selfishly ruin both of their lives. I am so very sad, angry and betrayed. She is my dream. I loath the boy for what he has intentionally done.

I am new here and don't know what to ask or expect. I guess anything would be nice.

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sunnygardenerme

wallypog, Sorry to hear what your going through. Counseling is a good idea, it can't hurt anything.
Your SS is around 18? My SS was 14 year old when DH and I met and he attempted the same thing. He even sabotoged things within our household to cause problems between DH and myself. He continues to do some of the same to this date (24 years old).
SS also caused his bio mom to divorce her 2nd husband. The one bio mom had an affair with while married to DH. Bio mom divorced her 2nd husband less than a year after they married. Her 2nd husband sent us a letter explaining what happened and much of it had to do with SS. Dh of course tore it up and threw it away. When I read it I was shocked with some of the things that SS did to destroy his bio mom's 2nd marriage. It is soo very sad.
Teens and children of divorce can be very manipulative. I have learned to ignore many things. Also, I have seen so much over the years that I can fore see what he may attempt and prepare myself ahead of time.
My DH is the same, his kids can do NO wrong. It can stare him right in the face and he can not see it or chooses not to see it. He always says his kids are good kids. I would say in his eyes they are good kids, but in others eyes they are not always good kids.
A bio parent will always defend their child and I mean no matter what. So do not try to convince your wife that son is bad.
A outside neutral person may be a good idea. I know my in laws have been helpful in talking with DH regarding his kids. Do you have any close relatives who you two could talk with? Who would be neutral regarding the situation. A counselor could be helpful party to open your wife's eyes to what SS is doing to you two and to himself.
Best of luck

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 7:51AM
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organic_maria

I am truly sorry to hear this. BUt i think your ss is what he is..he does what he does not because he is there to sabatoge you..he does it because he wants to and his mother lets him get away from it.
Yes, she may be your dream but she is not a good mother by letting her son steal and have no repremands ... i mean,,,come on...'he's not as bad as other teens??????...what does he have to do more......rape a girl? then what will she say......oh she wasn't raped,she wanted it...she's lying???
No, your wife maybe a nice person but she is being a push over with her son and because of this , you marriage is in dire straights.
Yes, i think counciling will help. BUt as long as your wife continues to have him under your roof and doesn't discipline him, teach him to be self sufficient. law abiding citizen, you ahve a time bomb on your hands.
If counciling does not help to open her eyes with her enablement parenting, its time to cut the cord.
Your wife is starting to show signs. Why? because she loves her son and you loath him.
You are 60....you can find another woman who will appreciate what you do. If she can't see that...she's blind.Heck if i had someone retired, doing housework, and managing finance, cooking etc..etc..i'dl rip a hole in my son for not respecting them....and if i caught my son stealing??? hehehe..he'ld go straight to be enlisted into the forces! sorry...jmo.
Its unfortunate. But the main problem is your spouse and not the child. The child is a product of her.....and so her raising him was a failure...and it shows.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 12:57PM
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sylviatexas1

"i think your ss is what he is..he does what he does not because he is there to sabatoge you..he does it because he wants to and his mother lets him get away from it."

bingo.

& everything else organic maria said.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 1:09PM
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wild_thing

Wally, sounds like you have a pretty good idea of your situation. Your ss sounds like he is a mess. Your wife sounds like she just wants to give and give and expect nothing in return. Thats a shame.
She is doing him no favors by giving him excuses like "he is not as bad as other teens". What does he have to do before she realizes that he is a mess? She needs to be proactive and nip his behavior in the butt. He will just keep going and expecting his mom to have his back.
You say that your wife is setting the stage to end things, or at least start up some kind of trouble. If you both are going to go to counseling than that is a plus. Because she may not be aware that she is behaving that way. It may be a defense or wall she is putting up because of the difficulties between the ss and you. A lot of it can be confronted in counseling.
Hang in there and don't let the ss walk all over you. you are not his door mat.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 3:33PM
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nivea

Yep, I'd like to tag a big BINGO next OrganicMaria's post as well. This isn't sabotage of a marriage lol.

Oh, just food for thought, but I recently read some studies about the best college students and there was a lot of talk about the type of boy your SS is and how they excel amongst their peers in college. I'll try to find the articles again.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 4:04PM
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wallypog

Thank you all for your replies. I have told the Mrs. so many times that coddling the SS does him no favors. But, she could not have kids and adopted her 2 boys mid life. One stayed with her ex and he poisoned that boy against her. She feels overly protective of the SS and he milks it for all it is worth. We all went to counseling before and she heard only what she wanted to hear. Unless the SS flips around here in the next few years his life will be toast. Sadly, I care as much about his future as if he were my own son. But the harder I try the worse it gets. On the upside at 19 y/o he has learned how to unscrew a garden hose.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 4:08PM
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sweeby

You're walking in a minefield, and my advice is to tread very, very carefully.

I agree with the others who say your SS's behavior sounds selfish, learned-helpless, entitled and manipulative, but not deliberately sabotaging. And I can see why you'd resent him and not respect him or his mother. But if you are perceived to 'attack' the boy (criticize him to his face or to your wife, show displeasure in his actions or lack thereof, vent or rage to your wife or others), your wife will step in to defend him, and you will become 'the enemy'. You've seen it happening. But you also love your wife and want to save your marriage. So what to do?

I'd tiptoe through counseling. Express a few 'loving concerns' about your SS and your family situation using concrete examples from the past. Choose your words very carefully so that you don't appear to be criticizing either your wife or her son, but rather expressing fatherly concern for your family's well-being. Never accuse, criticize, complain or blame. Talk positively about what you want for the future and how to make it happen, not what you dislike about the past and who's to blame. It may take a while (count on it) -- but try to come up with concrete actions that your wife, you and your SS will take, and deadlines for progress. If it happens - great! If not, having deadlines and clear goals will make it apparant that it's not working.

I'm betting on you.

    Bookmark   May 24, 2009 at 1:15PM
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wild_thing

Oh, just food for thought, but I recently read some studies about the best college students and there was a lot of talk about the type of boy your SS is and how they excel amongst their peers in college. I'll try to find the articles again.

Nivea, I would love to see those articles where students who don't study, have no ambition, no interests, are lazy and slobbish, oh and also who steal, are the best college students. LOL...holy cow if that is the case, then my studious son is screwed and my lazy sd who is getting F's is a shoe in!!! LMAO!!!!

    Bookmark   May 24, 2009 at 1:59PM
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