Opinions please....be kind

jomamasunMay 16, 2009

I am a mother of two beautiful children. My 10 year old son and I live in the desert of southern california with my husband (his stepfather) and my 16yo daughter lives in the Northwest with her dad and her SM.

I have Lupus. 7 years ago, when living in the NW I became very ill which eventually rendered me disabled, at 33years young with a 3 year old and 9 year old I was raising alone. I was no longer able to work at my government job where I was easily supporting my children. My rheumatologist predicted that if my condition didn't improve, I would probably not make it another 5 years. At my team of doctor's suggestion, as well as that of my parents, I moved to the desert of southern california with my 3 year old son, and moved in with my brother. Within weeks, due to the dry heat...no humidity, I was able to walk without limping or crying in pain from the arthritis that had ravaged every joint in my body. I was able to get a job and support myself and my son again. My daughter, even at 9 has always hated hot weather. She would break out into a heatrash if the mercury topped 70. She was and still is a "daddy's girl". SHe didn't move to the desert with us.....yes, my heart broke then but we both did adjust. Her dad is a great dad, he was just a terrible husband incapable of remaining faithful during our marriage. My DD has blossomed into a beautiful young woman. We see each other only 2-3 times per year sometimes for weeks at a time though during summer, every christmas, and sometimes spring break. We have marathon talks on the phone. 2-3 hours straight a few times a week. I love her more than anything and I know she loves me. I've told her how hard it was for me to move and how hard it is for me to not be with her daily. She tells me not to worry because she understands and loves me.

My Lupus has been in remission completely for 4 years. I'm able to work, and take long walks in the desert with my son. If I were to stay in the NW, due to the incredible humidity, cold and many other factors I would surely be in a wheelchair or possibly not even alive at this point. When we do travel to the NW for our month long vacation during the summertime (at which time we take DD to a wonderful cabin and do all sorts of fun family thigns. It feels like I just saw her yesterday because we remain so caught up with each other). During these visits, my aches and pains return immediately......not as bad as before but they are dull reminders of the past.

What I'm getting at is, we go on. We may not have a conventional mother/daughter relationship, but we talk about everything. I know when I was 16 I barely spoke to my mother let alone talk to her about my deepest feelings. She can tell me anything.....I'm always here for her.

I do feel guilty every day of my life. Last winter, my daughter decided to try the desert life. She moved down in November. It was 80 degrees. She was miserable....she missed her friends, missed her life in the rain.....that's where she wanted to be. I of course was heartbroken....but, of course I couldn't force her to stay somewhere she was physically miserable. She moved back after a few weeks. She understands completely why I don't live near her. Physically I can't. What can I do to alleviate my own guilt? My husband and I have talked about moving back to the NW and building a big dry sauna or something in our house. I couldn't live in the Sauna. I would get sick again.... again be bedridden and tied to numerous medications.....

Does anyone have any ideas? I know I'm just beating myself up. My sister still lives in the NW and she thinks I should have stayed there regardless. We don't talk much. I know I need to drop this feeling as it's so unhealthy. Sorry for the long post.... does anyone have any ideas?

thanks everybody

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organic_maria

You are beating yourself , you know that eh?
I've worked in hospitals since i was 19 years old. Your condition is a serious one. I know many people who were advised by their physicians to make a move like you just said. i know my own cousin is living their now because of her arthritis. And yes, she would have been ina wheel chair if she stayed.
Listen. your daughter understands. You have kept a great relationship with her regardless of the distance. She came to try and was miserable...she does love you.SHe knows you love her...
Would you honestly have stayed and then passed away and then your daughter would have neverhad those conversations with you at all?
You sister can stuff it..sorry....when someone is in such pain, your mind is nto their , you can' function. Its not a life!
You are fine stayihng where you and continue to keep in touch with your daughter and pay for as many flights for her to come donw throughout the year. Invite her and her friends to come down. mini vacations.
You never know! she may find someone near you and move down in 2 years! For now shes at this age she wants her friends and she needs to balance her friends and you in her life. She understands that you cannot physically doit.
Please stop beating yourself. You are not a deadbeatparent. You didn't reject your child. She also could not live under the conditions you had to. You did what was best for her and she honestly sounds well balanced.
Do you have a webcam on your computer???? skype??? its great and fun! you can see your daughter while talking..i think its the coolest thing.
My family is also far away andi dont get to see my twin and i think having that just brings us closer!
You are doing a great job keeping in touch. Calling and talking for 3 hours! omg...i can imagine your phone bills!
You are a person....loving mom...she knows it.....dont knock yourself.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 8:39AM
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kkny

Please dont beat yourself, you are doing the best you can. Organic has a great idea with the webcam. If you don't know how to set one up, call up the local center for aging or high school. Your D will be going off to college soon, and we all have to accept that our kids will fly the coop.

My prayers are with you.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 10:42AM
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sweeby

Sure, it's possible to take these facts and twist them into something ugly.
And there will be people you meet in life who are inclined to do that --
sadly, it seems your sister may be one of them.

But it sounds like you've taken lemons and made lemonade --
that both you and your daughter are thriving, and
that your relationship is strong and close.

All in all, that's really a pretty good situation.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 11:12AM
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jomamasun

Thank you ladies.....I do feel better......

Think it's time to call my girl...

Have a wonderful day!

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 1:10PM
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mom2emall

Your story sounds strikingly similar to closetdiva's post on the marriage forum. Are you the same poster.....just using a new name you made today? If so then people here are not getting the full picture.

Here is the link:
http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/marriage/msg052018085783.html?11

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 3:24PM
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helpwiththis

I am also thinking it is the same person. Which means that the advice would probably also be different in this situation based on more background information. Everyone who commented should wander on over to the marriage forum and see if they have anything else they want to add.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2009 at 11:11PM
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finedreams

well according to her post (and yes it is her) on marriage forum she is on her 3rd marriage, every man in her life was and is absuive. She either leaves her children behind as she did wiht her daughter or draggs them into her bad relationships with men like she did with her son. third husband mistreates her son and she is asking people if she should stand by her son even if it upsets her husband. Huh?

knowing background i would probably give advice like soemone else did on that forum: stop chasing men and hurting your children. i sympthize wiht Lupus but I have no sympathy for people subjecting their children to abuse.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2009 at 11:43AM
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wild_thing

Read the other post, yeah, it does sound similar, but I don't think it would change the advice she has gotten here.
She moved because she was sick and advised by her Dr.'s.
Her dd is being taken care of by the dad now, and it seems to be working out. Although some of mom's guilt may stem from the abuse dd received in the previous marriage. But that is still neither here nor there. Guilt is guilt and no one gains anything from beating themselves up for it, if they have done what they can to remedy the reason for the guilt. Which this poster did by leaving and divorcing that husband.
This post seems to be about the dd and her mom, so no, I don't see that any advice should be altered. JMO.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2009 at 11:52AM
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silversword

I was thinking this post sounded similar as well, I just couldn't remember where I read it.

What's wrong with Eastern Washington, if I may ask? It's pretty hot and dry, from what I remember.

I think, if we put aside the possibility that these posters are the same... that you are doing the right thing for your daughter.

If you are the same person as closetdiva, you now need to do the right thing for your son.

~Silver

    Bookmark   May 18, 2009 at 12:34PM
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mom2emall

I just wanted people to get the full picture. I am sure the guilt stems from the abuse her dd received from moms ex hubby. Then soon after the abuse mom moves out of state and has to leave dd with her dad. I am glad to hear that she is doing her best to have a great relationship with her daughter. And if what she is saying is true it does sound like she is doing a good job.

Now the issue at hand is her sister and son. I imagine that her sister does not talk to her much because of her poor marriage patterns that leave her children hurt. From the other post I see her son as being mistreated and I really think that he is being done a disservice by her staying in that relationship.

Kids only get one childhood. If it is ruined there is no going back. Nothing can make up for it.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2009 at 3:25PM
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