I don't know if I should be here
I came to this forum looking for advice with my feelings. I never in my life imagined that I would log on to a forum everyday for 'free' therapy from other women and Mom's .. But as the days went on, I found myself getting a better picture of what might be going on in my situation that caused me to take a step back and evaluate myself and my emotions.
I did not find it difficult to 'share' my parenting responsibilities with another woman. I think I felt so free from being in a marriage that made me so unhappy, I knew when I signed the papers ONE day my husband would meet someone just like I would meet someone. I am not sensitive to step families bc I was in a stepfamily. I have a wonderful stepfather and although I have not always had the best stepmom's... I finally got one that isn't really all that bad. It's not about them being 'steps' so much as it was about them just being weird and causing drama where drama was not needed. Anyway -- I never knew how it would actually feel to find out that for 30 days that my child was kept from me over the summer, that she wasn't being cared for by dad, she was being cared for by his girlfriend. All I wanted was to talk to my 6 year old on the phone at least at some point within the 30 days. Afterall I never kept her from her father, he always had access to her. Could eat lunch with her everyday of the week, often stopped by after work, just for a hug, was welcome at all functions and could call anytime but when it came to me getting just one phone call, I was told no, this is 'our' time. For the first 5 years of her life, I was never kept from her. I was with her every single day and yes divorce was our choice but never did I think that I would be kept from her because this was 'their' time. And it's not even about that... It was about her not being with either parent at all. She was with a girlfriend that was not even living in the same home as BD. Maybe I'm getting off track here but I'm trying to get to my point. I never knew how hard it would be until it was me. I never understood women complaining and it annoyed me so when my brother's ex played games when he married my now sister in law and I knew I didn't want to be like her. She seemed crazy with all of her complaining. But I didn't have to become her because BD went off the deep end on his own. This past year has brought many changes to our lives and I knew I needed guidance and some help with these feelings that seemed to start coming up again. Who is tucking in dd a night? Who is making sure she is getting what she needs? Who is picking her up? Who is doing MY job... But then I found this forum and all of my fears started to fade. I started asking different questions and seeing it completely different.
I don't delegate my job as mom to my husband. In fact, I rarely have him pick up dd for me, he doesn't take her to school, he doesn't take her to lessons, he doesn't keep her while I work... But that's because I'm mom and he is dad and in our family, I'm just the one that does all of that. I pack the lunches, I do the shopping, I do the drop offs and pick ups because he is working ... And in BDs house it's the same thing. Mom does the 'mom' things, dad works. So ive let that go.
But I'm constantly seeing posts that say, well you aren't an Sm so you dont know. You're 'only' a BM so your opinion doesn't count. Only SMs can identify with OP because only SMs would know. I really try to be objective and as many SMs have shared with me their point of view on things, I as A BM can definitly give a point of view but I really feel I take the side of an SM more times than I've bashed them for just being an SM. I would be so lucky to have an SM for my daughter like many of you are for your steps and if the BM or even the kids could just see the side of you that cares so deeply for them and your relationships with their fathers, they would absolutely change their feelings. I don't love SM... Yet... She does things that are unbelievable and I don't want my child near her.. But... I find comfort in knowing that dd is older and will ask for help when she wants it. I dont know if I will ever change my feelings for SM.. I mean.. The woman attacked me and went to jail for hurting my child, BUT I have learned a lot here in hopes to soften my heart and maybe see WHY she acts the way she does towards me.
I honestly don't know if I'm coming back but I do want to thank those that have helped me and I do hope that the others that think BMs just don't know will stick around and open their hearts. These our the babies we gave birth to and although I will agree that some of these BMs you all deal with shouldn't have rights to a dog, I'm sure there are equal amounts of mom's that just love their babies and it's just hard for them to suck it up and relinquish their rights bc they didn't stay married. That's just my opinion. I'm sure I'm wrong.