Stepson sexually abusing my son? Husband in denial.
I need advice! I'll give some background: I've been married for almost 9 years to a man who is the love of my life. He has 2 sons (ages 19 and 15) from a prior marriage and I have 2 daughters (17 and 14) and 1 son (11) from my first marriage. His oldest son lived with his mother and is now in college. His younger son (I'll call him Cole) who is 15 years old has always lived with him/us. My children have always lived with me/us also. My ex is not in my children's lives. My 15 year old stepson's mother is not really in his life, either. "Cole" has always been a challenge for his dad, his mom, me, his teachers.....lots of lies throughout the years, very angry, would throw tantrums when he was younger, now he confines that to throwing things in his room. He does make good grades. He has no friends his own age, but hangs out with my 11 year old and his friends who are younger. He's always shown bullying behavior towards my youngest son, mostly with words but occasionally things have gotten physical and he's left marks on my son. He's always been very interested in sexual themes (like love scenes). There are a lot of issues for Cole with his bio mother...she wanted his older brother to live with her, but she did not want Cole. She told my husband when they divorced that she never bonded with Cole as an infant. I feel like this explains a lot of his problems, but my children and I are the ones dealing with the fall out.
Over the past couple of years, as Cole reached puberty, he began walking around the house with an erection. He would do this in front of ALL of us, including me and my daughters. He would keep his hands in his pockets and "play" with his penis in front of us and it almost seemed like he was doing it unconsciously. We bought him new pants/pajamas with no pockets and went from letting him wear boxer underwear to "whitie-tighties". Hoping this would keep things held in, if you know what I mean. It helped somewhat with that particular problem. He also started masturbating, which I know is very normal, but he does it very frequently and leaves his used washcloths under the couch, or on the counter or floor in the bathroom he shares with all 3 of my kids. I think this is disgusting and very un-hygenic, but my husband does not agree. He thinks it's not a big deal.
In the past, Cole's lies and his behavior have almost caused my husband and I to split up because I was very concerned for my children's safety. He would say things at school that would cause the school social worker to call us, or the school counselor, trying to find out if he was in any danger at our home. He accused me of hitting and kicking him (which I absolutely did not do) and he accused his mother's boyfriend of the same type of thing. So we have a long history of trouble. I've managed to cope with this up until this most recent thing that's happened.
We took Cole's cell phone away from him due to some behavior issues and while my husband had the phone, he looked through the pictures/videos. There were 4 pictures and 2 videos of Cole being sexually explicit with a large teddy bear. The pictures/videos were almost violent and were pornographic in nature (after we found the pics we learned that Cole has been looking at porn on the internet at someone else's house). Cole had my son, who is 11 years old, take these pictures and videos. I was physically sick to see these on Cole's phone and even more so to find out it was my son who took the pictures!!! We've learned since then that this "type" of behavior has been going on for almost a year. Cole would act out sexually in front of my son, has pulled his pants down in front of him to "moon" him, has pulled his shorts up or down to show my son his "Balls" calling it the "Brain". My son says it was Cole's idea to do these things and he was always trying to "keep him off guard". I'm disgusted by Cole's behavior and I can't hardly stand to be around him and my daughters feel the same way. This is tearing our family apart!!
I've taken my 11 year old to have a psychosexual evaluation for a sexual abuse victim, this was done on the advice of our family counselors, one of whom is a psychologist. The evaluation was to rule out whether or not my son has been sexually abused. The results were "may have been sexually abused, is slightly depressed, has anxiety and is afraid for his safety." I'm devastated. The counselors and psychologists all think there is more to this story and I have my son in counseling now. DFACS was called to our home by the people who did the evaluation. My husband was so angry and he still is. He thinks this is all my fault and we should have been able to handle this situation within our family, without outside help. DFACS told him he has to get his son into counseling, but he doesn't want to pay for the evaluation (its $550 and I've already paid that for my son's). My husband says this is just boys being boys, my son is just as guilty as his son, and that a male psychologist would see this differently because only women have looked at this situation. That's why it's all being blown out of proportion, because of the women!!
I'm in counseling, too. My counselor told me last week that I need to think seriously about taking my children and leaving our home if my husband won't leave with his son. My son's psychologist told me that if Cole is the source of anxiety and fear for my son, that we would have to live separately in order for my son to heal and get better. The problem is, I don't make enough money to live by myself and I'm so torn up over this!!!! I want to take care of my children and protect each one of them. I'm also scared that if I make the decision to leave, that it will be a huge mistake.....what if the boys were just playing around, like my husband says....but my gut says no, that's not true. I feel so alone, can anyone give advice?