Got clarification

mom2emallApril 20, 2010

Well sd called bm right after school today. Guess bm wanted to let her know she is off work this weekend and "if the kids get bored they can go over there". So she did not make plans with them, just let them know they could go sit at her house.

As for the movie bm wanted to take them on MOTHERS DAY to see the movie with her! LOL Like she deserves mother's day!! Sd said bm wants to take us to see the movie on May 9th. I looked at the calendar and told dh it was Mother's Day that day. Usually on Mother's Day we go out to a nice breakfast and see a movie with the kids or go to the zoo or something outdoors if it is nice. So he said to sd "tell her sorry but that is Mother's Day and we have plans".

That must have burned bm. But really how dare that witch think she can waltz in and play mom on that day. I am the mom. I do all the mom things for them....don't mean to be rude but that is MY day, not hers! She does not deserve it!

So DH told sd to tell bm she could have them the day before. SD said bm was not sure if she could take them to see the movie on another day, she would have to check with bf because he is buying the tickets??

I told sd that since bm is off for the weekend to invite her to her game on Sat morning and her brother's game Sat afternoon. Of course bm had an excuse on why she could not come! You see she shares a vehicle with bf and he has to work. And getting up early and driving him to work so she can come to their games would disrupt their siblings sleep schedules.

WHATEVER!

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finedreams

stop accommodating her, she wants to see the kids she must plan well and stick to the plan, if she cannot oh well. of course CPs are supposed to facilitate and accommodating and initiate relationship with NCP (as people often say on this forum so i am being somewhat sarcastic because I always disagreed with it) but I don't think so. not your job at all. not your job to call her and ask when she wants to see kids and not your job to make a schedule for her.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 10:20PM
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yabber

What a nerve she's got! It doesn't surprise me at all by the way, this is what people like her do. They live in fantasy world.

You are right to stick with your own plans, you ARE their mom and you should have a good day, YOU deserve it :-)

Our court order states we drop skids off at 9am on Mother's Day. Every year it's the same thing. We all get up early to get ready, and when we get to BM's place...nothing. No sign of life. BM still sleeping, skids banging on the door to wake her (and baby and "BF/Fiancee person") up. I hate it, with a passion.

Let's see if this year is any better, now that there's 2 babies she should really be up for anyway. Yeah right.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 2:08AM
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silversword

Yabber, that's so rude. If someone (ANYONE!) is scheduled to be at a person's house at a certain time it is respectful to be awake, and at least have general toilet done (hair, teeth, face). Pajamas are fine if it's family, but really a person should be dressed and alert.

How awkward.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 10:13AM
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sweeby

I can feel your outrage --
don't even disagree with it, under the circumstances.

But do realize that if you deny BioMom Mother's Day, you are handing her ammunition that she'll use against you (and the kids) for years.
Yes, I know you do all the real work and that she's a Loser with a capital L.
But technically, she's the mom...
And with that biological status come certain inalienable rights, one of them being Mother's Day.

Can you do your own special Mother's Day celebration with the kids on Saturday instead of Sunday?
You KNOW that whatever you come up with will be SO much better than BM's feeble throw-together, and that the kids will enjoy it more as well. BioMom's pathetic efforts will pale in comparison, and you will have taken the High Road on all fronts.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 6:55PM
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finedreams

It is weird that yabber's SKs BM was not up at 9AM, but kids live there. They are not visitors. They came home, not to visit their mother.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 7:02PM
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yabber

Sorry to hijack mom2emall :-)
We still have 50/50 shared care for SD13 and 35/65 for SD12.
And yes it is weird that BM is not up when skids come home, especially on Mothers Day. And now she has 2 more little ones she should be up for. However when she's hungover she just puts them in the bed with her.
But, we just stick to the court order and take them at 9, we've even offered to drop them off later if that's more suitable. You should've heard BM go on about that! Was FDH trying to keep skids away from her on Mothers Day?? Court order says 9 and she has plans thank you very much!!
So we go at 9 and if skids have to bang on door so be it :-(

Mom2emall, in general I agree with Sweeby about stepping aside for BM on Mothers Day and not giving her the ammunition. But, your circumstances are the exception. BM is such a deadbeat, it's very unusual. In your case I would not change my plans if I had any.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 7:57PM
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finedreams

I don't think she needs to be up when they come HOME. They aren't guests. i find it weird that people sleep that late but other than that why not? They still live there, even if not 100%. they come back to their own home. you make it sound like they live elsewhere, come to someone else's house and bang on strangers doors.

I can't possibly be asleep at 9, I am up early, but for many people 9AM is a normal time to be sleeping. Of course if she sleeping because she is drunk, it is different, dad should address her drinking in front of the kids, but other than that?

It is kids' own home, why does mom always have to have some special entertainment plans, even if mother's day? It is her day, maybe she wants to stay in bed? Do parents always have entertainment planned?

DD was with me 65-70%, and she considered to be living with me. i was not expected to have any special entertainment planned when DD was HOME. Of course I planed things but not like all the time!

On a weekend if I was tired I could be in bed later or wearing pajamas or doing whatever. It was DD's home! If she was brought home from a sleepover early I could be still in bed. She had a key but if not she would knock and I open.

In fact i never had any special plans for mothers day, just stayed at home rested in the morning having large breakfast and then we went to my moms.

sorry, mom2emall, in your situation you are the mother, kids live with you 24/7 and it is your day.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 9:33PM
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finedreams

"If someone (ANYONE!) is scheduled to be at a person's house at a certain time it is respectful to be awake, and at least have general toilet done (hair, teeth, face)."

This post was about her own kids coming home. LOL wasn't an appointment. hair teeth face when your kids come home? I mean it is preferable to look nice at all times, but are people always up when their kids are home, cleaned up and dressed up?

Most people will never go to bed then because kids are home all the time or in and out. hahah

Every time some family member leaves the house and then returns we should be awake, cleaned and dressed up. hahah This is the strangest suggestion.

I grew up with large number of people at home, someone always was either in or out, so everyone just sat around dressed and awake at all times. hahqaha oy i was eating strawberry and chocked laughing, oh

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 9:43PM
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yabber

I agree FD that BM does not have to be waiting at the door with apron on and tray of muffins in hand ;-)

My point is that she should at least be awake. She knows kids are coming, she's only adult in house so being awake is expected. I think that is what silversword meant. You didn't sleep when your DD came home and had no key did you?

"You make it sound like they live elsewhere, come to someone else's house and bang on strangers doors." That is actually what it felt like! The skids could not get her to open front door when banging on it so they had to go in yard and knock on bedroom window, how bad is that?

And yes FDH should address the alcohol-issue with BM, but not in presence of skids

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 10:21PM
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mom2emall

Sweeby I get what you are saying. But this lady went a year without contacting her kids. She has been back for months now and has barely tried to see her kids. But she wants to book Mother's Day with them so she can pretend like she is a mom? No way! I do the work all year long, its my day. She can be the one to celebrate on another day with them if she is under the illusion that her part in their lives deserves celebration.

Besides that we already booked the breakfast. Its at a country club near us and you have to make the reservations in advance and pre-pay per person. Dh has already done that and there is no refunds.

And bm can cling to this for ammo if she wants, but it is all she gets. She can go ahead and blame us for withholding the kids one day, but it pales in comparison to her avoiding them the other 364 days of the year!

Yabber I do think it is crazy that bm in your case fights to get kids home at 9am to celebrate Mothers Day yet she can't even be out of bed! If she wants to sleep in on Mothers Day then she should let her kids do so as well instead of making them get up early and get over to her house to watch her sleep! Whether they live there or not its selfish of her. Whenever any of my kids is returning home in the morning or late at night from a friends house or their other parents house or wherever DH or I are always up to greet them. When my ex would keep our son over the weekend and return him Monday morning at 6am on his way to work I was awake to greet him.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 11:42PM
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kkny

Well I guess I am trouble because I wouldnt have makeup on at 9 am unless I was at work. Brush teeth and hair, yes, makeup nope.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 11:49PM
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imamommy

mom2, sorry to add to the hijack, but I must say that sometimes it feels like Finedreams keeps notes on everyone's situation.. kinda like the FBI might keep files...

A darn good memory, a file, or maybe going back to research everyone?

    Bookmark   April 21, 2010 at 11:57PM
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yabber

KKNY I don't wear make-up at all, even better! LOL

And Ima I don't think FD is with the FBI..if she was she would know BM she's Secret Service too :-)

Mom2emall enjoy your family breakfast, all of you.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2010 at 12:43AM
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finedreams

"And yes FDH should address the alcohol-issue with BM, but not in presence of skids"

Of course not I meant discussing if she drinks in the presence of the kids, not to discuss in their presence.

I don't sleep at 9 because I simply cannot sleep, i wish i could on the weekends. My body tells me to get up the same time as during the week, but many people sleep at 9AM. I agree that court order could either say different time or maybe kids could just stay home a day before, so they don't have to be brought back that early. But sleeping at 9AM is not a crime. I also think kids should have their own keys, DD always had a key.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2010 at 6:06AM
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finedreams

I do have excellent almost photographic memory, if I read something once I remember it for a long time or forever. I am not being funny, it is true. Besides important things i remember load of useless information. I am not doing it intentionally, it just happens.

But I don't see how it relates to current posts, i am just replying to what is said right here in front of me. Kids come home at 9, mom is not up. Kids have no keys. Strange, but not a big deal. Mom has no plans for Mother's day. Not even strange. Never knew moms suppose to entertain on Mother's day. Does not need good memory for this.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2010 at 6:14AM
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finedreams

I don't think Bm would even dare to say anything to you. She is deadbeat and she knows it. Just enjoy your day. Don't even let it bother you.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2010 at 6:19AM
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justmetoo

I think the fact that May 9th is Mother's Day needs to be removed from the consideration.

BM did not call up and say "Hey I want to spend Mother's Day with my kids". She called the child and said "I'll take you to a movie on May 9th".

Sorry, BM, I just looked at the calendar and DH has already booked in advance and prepaid that day on our schedule. I'm sure the kids would love to see the movie and spend some time with you, but that day is not possible.

It should not be thought of here any different than any other day when it comes to a late invitation on a day that has already been scheduled weeks ago. No different than if May 9th was October 3rd.

BM can like it or not. When one does not have a visitation schedule in place, poofed entire year from DH/Mom2/kids life, she has to face facts that life did not stand still and already set plans will not be broken on her whims.

With all that said, Mom2, enjoy your special day, enjoy your special meal, you've earned it.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2010 at 8:09AM
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silversword

LOL. I meant:

Brush your teeth
Wash your face
Brush your hair

The basics. What people do when they wake up. I wake up, go to the bathroom and perform those basic tasks in the morning, even on weekends. I never wear makeup unless it's a special occasion, and my updo is a bun for work or a pony tail if anything.

If kids are old enough to:
1. have a key to the house
2. be left alone while people are sleeping without doing a in-person hand-off of responsibility

then yes, I agree parents do not have to be awake when kids come home. But if someone were bringing my dd home I would be awake, dressed, with my face washed, teeth brushed and hair combed. It takes all of 3min. Surely a parent can do that much?

"Every time some family member leaves the house and then returns we should be awake, cleaned and dressed up. hahah This is the strangest suggestion. "

FD, you're taking it to the extreme. My family comes and goes and I'm not in makeup and hairdo with my heels and apron, fresh baked bread in hand when they come back. But if I had to meet someone at the door who was not my mother or very close friend/relative I would have the decency to be awake when they got there. (otherwise, they know where the key is and they can let themselves in, and they'd better have the coffee pot on when I stumble out!!)

I sleep in on weekends sometimes. But I would never want someone to drop my dd off at the house while I am sleeping without me knowing she's home, nor would I feel comfortable dropping a child at someones house (yes, even "their other home") without checking in with an adult. I'd sit on the couch and wait for them to wake up, the whole time thinking how rude they are not to respect my time. Yes, I said it. If 9am is too early, make the drop-off for 10am. No child should have to pound on the window of their home to wake their parents to let them in. That is what is wrong in this situation.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2010 at 11:44AM
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yabber

"And yes FDH should address the alcohol-issue with BM, but not in presence of skids"

Of course not I meant discussing if she drinks in the presence of the kids, not to discuss in their presence.

Haha LOL I already thought it was a bit off. Funny how you can interpret things differently when you just read something :-)

    Bookmark   April 23, 2010 at 6:31AM
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finedreams

silvers your DD is 7. yabber's SD is 13. Big difference.

I think 13-year-old can just open the door with the key and say "hey mom i am home." she was not gone for a year, it was just few days. 13-year-old can even be home alone. what's the fuss.

I agree if my mom comes over, I am awake because my mom does not live with me. My DD does not live at home anymore and when she visits I am up when she arrives, well I am in airport.

But when DD lived at home, no i was not always dressed up or washed up greeting her when she arrived from anywhere. It does nto make me a bad mother.

i just think because yabber's Sks mom is somewhat crazy people assume everything she does is crazy. In this case I just don't see how it is crazy. She has two babies, who can have their teeth brushed and face washed and hair done with two babies at 9AM? and then Mother's day events planned for older children too, so they are properly entertained? Seriously, people.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2010 at 6:40PM
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mom2emall

I do think though that if bm wants the kids home at 9am because it is so important then she should be up when they get home. Add the fact that they don't have housekeys and it is ridiculous for her not to be up! I don't think she has to have anything special planned to do with the kids for Mother's Day. It is perfectly acceptable to have a day of relaxation.

I know when I get up I brush my teeth and splash some water on my face first thing. I also run a brush through my hair. Just my routine I guess. Whenever skids used to visit bm overnight and they were coming home early in the morning I always made myself presentable before they got there because bm would walk them to the door. I often had pj's on, but I did my basic hair, teeth, face wash stuff.

But everyone is different. I am also the type of person that whenever I know anyone is coming to my house, even if its just my ex or dh's ex picking up the kids I always make sure the house is very clean and presentable.....because god knows that with 4 kids it doesn't happen on its own! LOL

    Bookmark   April 23, 2010 at 7:33PM
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finedreams

I do think kids needs the key and they don't need to come home that early. It is tough though to look presentable at 9AM with two babies. They might sleep poorly at night and it is hard for mom to get up, she might be exausted. I don't know...I think people judge too harsh just because she is BM.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2010 at 9:03PM
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yabber

I think there are plenty options we can all agree on.
-Give kids key if you don't want to get up
-If not then consequence is to be awake and get up to open door when kids knock
-Ask FDH to bring kids back a bit later

All good options. BM did not open door because she was out of it, hungover, and therefore overslept. That is all there was to it. Jeez, we even get it at times when we drop the skids back off at 5pm, she'll still be in bed because she's hungover. Usually knocking on front door is enough to get her to open door.

But you know, let's make it a BM vs SM issue, why not??
After all, all SM's are critical of BM's at all times, nothing a BM does will ever be good enough for a SM, you should know what we are like by now :-)

    Bookmark   April 24, 2010 at 12:12AM
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finedreams

how do you know she was hungover that morning? did she actually tell you that?????

    Bookmark   April 24, 2010 at 8:26AM
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mattie_gt

I'm kind of torn on yabber's situation; I agree that the kids are coming home and one shouldn't necessarily have to be awake if family members are coming home. But, it sounds like everyone at yabber's house has to get up early on a Sunday morning and get ready just to drop off skids at a home where no one is awake or wanting to really see them at that time. To me, it would be different if, say, BM worked night shift and so was still sleeping when kids were dropped off for a normal exchange at noon (although they should still not have to beat on door, but should have key then.)

But I think BM's behavior sounds fairly selfish; she wants to sleep in on a Sunday, that's fine. But maybe her kids wanted to sleep in too, rather than have to get up early, get ready, and sit around at home being the only ones who are really coherent?

I know how I would feel, as an adult, if, on Mother's Day, my mother asked me to arrive at a certain time to see her and then wasn't even awake. I realize that I don't live with her, but the reason that I would be annoyed is that I had gotten up early to see her at the time that she wanted, and then she wasn't awake anyway! Now there have been times I've gone to visit and she had something previously scheduled and wasn't home - that's fine. I do not expect someone to cancel plans on my behalf; I'm completely capable of finding something to amuse myself for a few hours. But, those were times when I arrived at my convenience, not my mother's. I realize it's not the same thing because it's court-ordered and it's not a visit, but my point remains.

FD says "I can't possibly be asleep at 9, I am up early". Those of us who would happily sleep until 9:00 AM if we could may be viewing this situation differently!

    Bookmark   April 24, 2010 at 12:00PM
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yabber

How do we know she was hungover?
Obviously BM was not going to share that with us :-)

No, the skids told us next time they came that BM slept through the rest of the day till late afternoon, which is "what mummy always does when she drinks wine and goes to bed late. And mummy says that it was ok because it was Mothers Day anyway"

So that's why..

We already expected it of course, but what can you do? Seriously, what can you do? Call police to say BM is in bed not looking after babies. What are they going to do? We actually have called them on occasion, they refer back to the Family Court, not their problem. Or call CPS? Well, we did try tha too but they didn't see any reason for concern. Go to court, been there.

This is what makes it hard for us, BM drinks regularly but not in excess every single night. She keeps kids home from school but just not enough for authorities to want to get involved. Regularly she'll drink all night and sleep all day (like at least one day of the weekend and one during the week), but skids can get up themselves and watch tv to entertain themselves. She gets them to cook their own meal, but not all the time and there's always food in the cupboard so they can have weatbix. It's not like they're starving or skinny. However it is still neglectfull, but borderline, and therefore very hard to address the issue.

Again sorry for hijacking..

    Bookmark   April 25, 2010 at 5:42AM
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mom2emall

That stinks for the kids yabber! But I am sure they see the differences. As a kid my mom used to stay up really late and sleep late(till noonish). If we woke her she was like a grizzly bear growling at everyone. So we learned to eat cereal and watch tv quietly. I hated that on edge feeling in our home as a kid. I used to love going to my dads because him and my stepmom were the opposite. When I woke up they were up and breakfast was made and everyone was happy. I actually used to cry at the end of the weekend each time because I did not want to go home (though I did not cry in front of them about it).

As an adult I am up in the morning with our kids and cheerful! So hopefully at the very least this situation will make the kids better parents when they grow up!

    Bookmark   April 25, 2010 at 10:30AM
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finedreams

I am surprised that if mom is incoherent and drunk or drugged up to the point of not getting up all day and not feed the kids CPS would do nothing. They might not take kids away forever but sure she would not be the one with custody. I do not understand this. So sober parent does not get custody but intoxicated one does. It is a mystery to me.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2010 at 11:16AM
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silversword

Thank you Mom2. I guess it just comes down to personal hygiene and manners.

Yes, my DD is 7. But I would no more drop a 13 year old off without knowing someone was coherent enough to care for her than I would an infant.

It has nothing to do with BM/SM/GP whatever. If you're not going to be awake when someone gets there, why make the appt. for them to be there that early? It's disrespectful for everyone, esp. the kid, who is now stuck in the middle, with shame for the parent sleeping, awkward for the parents outside...banging on the window.

For shame.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2010 at 12:27PM
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yabber

It's a mistery to me too. It really is. How can this be? It's crazy and I can't really accept it either, hence my frustration!! Why do you think we find it so hard to deal with this screwed up reality? I don't just come here because I have nothing better to do. I find that it helps me when I can write things down and share with other people. I don't want to talk about it too much with family and friends, they don't often understand, but to come here is good.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2010 at 11:22PM
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finedreams

you are right, yabber, family and friends are too emotionally invested to be objective plus it is nice to see different opinions

    Bookmark   April 26, 2010 at 6:04PM
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