Respect and Team Work

crazydyz8April 26, 2009

I am new to the forums so please forgive me for not using the abbreviations. I don't know them all yet. Some background information. My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years, living in his home state for the last 2 years almost. His son lives in the next state from us. Mom never really wanted her son, only took him because her parents forced her into it. The only reason she still keeps him now is because of the money. It took a very lengthy court process to be able to get 8 weeks during the summer and every other weekend. We caved on everything we wanted just to get this extra time. My husband is starting to be more involved with his son, but at the same time, problems are escalating between stepson and me. He runs very hot and cold with me, sometimes being respectful of me and other times completely disregarding me and everything I say. I know part of it is because my husband doesn't always support me. However his support has increased over time, and step son's roller coaster of respect has intensified. I don't know what to do anymore and either does my husband. We are fairly certain that mom is saying things that is influencing stepson's behavior but we have no proof and can't control it. I got to the point of just saying that from now on I am going to be uninvolved and just refer him to his dad. That made my husband upset. Please, can someone give me some tips on this? What do I do?

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mom2emall

Welcome!!

Being a stepparent is hard. I am a full-time stepmom to three wonderful kids. They live with us and barely see their mom (her choice). Anyways their mom did talk badly about me and so did her bf. I could tell it made the kids feel bad. You can not control what other people say though so there is no point in even fighting it.

In your situation I would just stay out of the discipline and try to be his buddy. You do not mention how old he is but I am sure that there is something you could find to do with him. Maybe play some video games or board games together.

Think of fun things like making ice cream sundaes or going to the zoo and make sure your husband mentions that it was your idea to his son. Not like telling his son "go thank her it was her idea" but him saying something like "this was so much fun...thanks honey for the idea!" in front of his son. That way you become the fun one.

And make sure that you let your husband have some alone time with his son too.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2009 at 10:37PM
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lovehadley

Hi and welcome!

How old is your SS?

Also, you mentioned that you have been married for 2.5 years, and that it took a long court battle to get the current visitation schedule. So may I ask how long you have been doing the EOW and 8 weeks in the summer? Change takes awhile for everyone to get used to.

Mom2emall had some good suggestions, as well.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 1:00PM
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organic_maria

Its tough being a stepparent. Im sure you must have browsed and read alot of threads here.
First, welcome .
How old is your ss? How long has the new custody been in place and how long has ss known you???
If its very recent, the best thing to do is let dad have alot of time with his son and some time together all of you...maybe watch a movie etc..etc..and you hubby must talk and have open communication wiht his son. Especially about you. My dh would always talk to his kids and keep reminding them that he loves them and that his having a new girlfriend soon to be wife will never change that. No matter who is sayng what. Someone who tells achidl 'dad dosn't love you know because he has so and so..is just plain evil. And the child has to be made aware that his father love will not waver and if someone is telling bad things like this to him that its not right. He must encourage him that you are a good person.
give it space and time. Back off for now but dont give up yet.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 3:33PM
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crazydyz8

Stepson is 7. The 8 weeks in the summer has been in please sin August 2005 (before my husband and I got together). The every other weekend semi-officially started in July 2008 and became totally official in December 2008. SS has known me since March 2006. Prior to the every other weekend, it was one weekend a month (at mom's discretion) and 8 weeks during the summer.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2009 at 1:25AM
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organic_maria

Well he's young and the schedual have been altered..he needs time to adjust. And from the amount of time..he really hasn't gotten to know you.
BUT he doesn't have to be disrespectful to you either...how is he disrespectful and does your dh reprimand his actions. ?
As long as you and your dh are united , that child can do whatever he wants....but you guys should not budge.
I think staying back and letting dh discipline him is good..i think having time apart is also good. But the time together as a family he should behave and his father should insist on it.
BUt of course, if you have a bm bent from hell and doens't concern herself iwth her child psychi and only wants to feed her own ego..it will be an uphill battle and its up to your dh to keep drilling it inot ss ears that you are not a bad person and that he loves him and that will never change. And that mommy must stop saying bad things. Its not nice.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2009 at 1:01PM
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