Appropriate amount of contact
How much contact between the two do you think is appropriate?
I know it depends on the individual circumstances and that there's no black or white answer.
I am getting really fed up with my DH. His relationship with BM has been a sore point for us for years. It's not anything physical or sexual or romantic. I've never felt threatened in that regard---well, I think at times she has maybe wanted to be with him, but I've never felt or thought that he wanted HER back.
But there is a definite connection between the two that I feel goes deeper than their son. There is some sort of emotional bond and it irritates the h*ll out of me. One of my friends commented to me a long time ago that it was like we had a 3rd person in our relationship. That is so true.
For YEARS, BM has gone in cycles. She will be fine, totally normal and civil, even downright friendly. Then she will flip out over something, and go into a rage for days. This is where DH doesn't know how to leave it alone. He will take her 10 calls in a row, get into screaming matches with her, blah, blah. This is usually the part where she attacks me, either via nasty voicemails or emails or whatever. This JUST HAPPENED yesterday. SS went home and BM found a scratch on his leg; SS couldn't recall what it was from, although both DH and I guess our bichon puppy. He is WILD and his claws are sharp and he has a tendency to jump up---I've gotten scratched by him before. He is still a puppy and we're working with him. Anyway--BM called DH last night ranting and raving that it MUST HAVE been my DD that scratched SS. I mean, is this woman for real? So DH proceeded to take THREE phone calls in a row from her, and he hung up each one. But I was like "WHY do you even answer the phone?" UGH. He ALWAYS tells her he is no longer going to communicate with her via phone, only via texts or email, and then BOOM--they are right back at it. What ticks me off is she will be so incredibly rude and disrespectful to me and my DD, in things she says or does, and then DH will lay into her--and then three days later BM will come out of her rage and they'll be all friendly again. :(
This last incident, for me, was just too much. I forgive her---I mean, really, I do. I think grace flows down upon us all and while it is a hard pill for me to swallow--I think she is just as deserving of God's grace as I or anyone else. I DO forgive her and I don't want to harbor anger or resentment---but I also do not want her in my life, either. I wish her well, but I will not have any form of relationship with her again. I know my DH is in a tricker position because of their son in common--but I STILL think he does NOT need to talk to her as often as he does.
This morning she called and DH answered, while he was getting ready for work and I guess BM was going on about how she doesn't want to "fight with him." Again, I was ticked. They should not have enough of a relationship to fight, kwim? I don't get why DH answers the phone. For the week after the incident, he had her pretty much emailing him about schedule, Easter, etc. because he REFUSED to take her calls. Now they are sliding back into things....they're not friendly by any means...but it seems to me, it is just a matter of time.
DH is the one that's GOT to cut ties here and I worry--that he really doesn't want to. People do things and repeat behaviors because they get something out of it.
DH has ALWAYS been waaaay too chummy with BM. It is easy to do. She has a way of sucking people into her web. She has done it with me in the past, and called me 5x a day looking for friendship, advice, support. I think deep down she is a very, very lonely, sad person. She really has no friends, aside from random drinking buddies, and those aren't real friends IMO. She is chronically unhappy with her life, her husband, her lack of purpose and direction.
But anyway--she has cried on the phone to my DH and even to me for so many years, and been chummy, personal with him--telling him all sorts of personal business. It used to be mildy entertaining--like, oh, what is the wackjob going to say now? DH and I have been privy to all the problems and fights BM has gone through with her last BF and now her DH.
But I'm DONE. I am off this roller coaster for good...and really, after the scene at our home, I expected DH to do the same. He told her that night that there was NO NEED to talk on the phone agian--that unless it was truly critical, almost all their communication regarding their son could be done via email.
And for about a week he really didn't take her calls. But now her mom's calling and passing him messages, and now BM's claling and DH is answering and talking. I mean, really--it's 7 pm here and he has talked to her twice today--once this AM and then I guess she called when SS got home from school.
I am hurt. I feel like my DH cares about his relationship with her more than he does my feelings. I've broached it with him and he just tells me he is limiting his contact with her but that he doesn't need me to tell him what to do. My DH can be a real jack@$$ if you can't already tell!
How often do divorced or separated co-parents really need to talk? Is it just me or is it insane to touch base 2 or 3 times a day?
Before we got married, we went over and over this with our counselor...and I thought he understood. Now it doesn't seem so.
I try to talk to him about it but then I just feel like I am nagging and being controlling, and I don't like that.
What do you all think?