Why does everything have to be BM'S way or its a fight

cat38April 22, 2009

Sorry I hope this is not to long....

Dh and BM have 50/50 custody with both parents as primary residential parents..

Dh and I live 5 houses from bm (this has been my house for 16 years) bm lives with parents

Unfortunately due to the economy dh being laid off and all the lawyer bills and the fact that dh pays for everything for ss, I am losing my house.I just cant pull all the weight for everything alone anymore. Not to mention that its not fair for my kids to go with out when their dad pays child support, and yes I do work not as much as I would like to due to our economy but I can certainly support my responsabilities. My DD whom is 16 has never moved before and she is excited about moving.

I have mixed feelings.. so dh and I decieded to move about 15 miles away far enough that I dont see bm everyday (and her family) yet close enough so that it does not affect ss so much.(ss is excited) we are moving to a condo in a gated community (note the gated part) no nightly drive bys asking where dh is if his car isnt in the driveway. WOOOOO

Bm tells dh that she was gonna move to and that they should keep ss in the same school and use her moms address.. dh agreed but said if shen not going to be involved with his school than he wants to put him in school near his new place, because dh takes ss to school 4 days a week plus volunteers alot.. (we'll see)

So next bm says it is dhs responsability to pick up ss and bring him to her during the summer.. (i think not) the divorce papers say the only time one parent does all the traveling is if they move out of the county (were not) only 15.5 miles from my drive way to the new place.

Why cant 2 adults whom both agreed to the 50/50 parenting be on the same page, and not fight over everything? Why does there always have to be a big fight and lawyers getting involved to do the right thing?

bm is with her 2nd sons dad. dh and I are married, why cant everyone move one from the drama...

To me the past should be the past, if you cant get over the past then how can you have any kind of future.

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Sorry for all this.

First, where I live, you cant just "use your grandmas's address". Unless one parent lives within same school district as grandma, this is fraud, and where I live, the school districts do monitor this and can and do charge tuition for families caught doing this. I would suggest that at a minimum DH investigate the rules. Then I would suggest DH ask X where she is moving to. Then a decision should be made as to which school district is bettwer for SS, consideringt all vaiarbles.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2009 at 8:08PM
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I agree with KKNY about the school district issue. I think there could be some serious repercussions if BM and DH got caught doing that.

How old is SS? What do the court papers say about moving and school districts, if anything?

    Bookmark   April 22, 2009 at 8:17PM
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I totally agree, but im just the sm... ss is 6. bm does not make him do homework or have any rules.. Dh has said to bm that they need to have a talk if she moves out of the school district.. The court papers state that they have to agree on school, doctors. etc.. or go back to court.(which dh will do). Im just sick of the court crap.. BM was supposed to move several months ago due to ss having asthma (her dad and boyfriend smoke inside the house). Dh told her she was violating the agreement (which states that they both provide a healthy home) bm then told dh she would move just give her a lil time. He is always on her case about that.. Ss has to be on meds everyday because of it and guess who pays for it all yup dh and I do.

We told her we were moving (i need some peace) she then said she was moving also.. Since the papers state that they should agree We will be in court.. The school where ss goes is where both my girls went they are now 20 and 16.. I know everyone there we could get a varience due to all the time we spend there volunteering and donating items. Bm volunteered 1 time this school year, yet she only works 2 days a week. and everyother weekend. Who knows maybe they can grow up and not fight... OMG Im sorry I was dreaming again....

    Bookmark   April 22, 2009 at 9:00PM
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I have to say if my Xs SO had a bigger role at my D's school than I did, I would be concerned. As far as I am concerned (and I have custody virtually 24/7), I dont want teachers etc talkign to Xs SO. Which would be true even if they were married.

fyi "we" will not be in court. Your DH will. That is why I said, DH should investigate rules and discuss.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2009 at 9:06PM
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Sorry FYI I say we out of habit considering Im the one paying for everything. This is not a pissing match... BM has had every chance in the world to be involved in her sons school and she is to LAZY.. And doesnt care. I volunteer because the schools need us and I love kids and I have the time to...

Its a shame that to many people just want to sit back and think the sm is the problem ( by your response) Im the adult I would rather spend my money on my kids including ss than piss it away to a lawyer who doesnt even care about the child...

And guess what if bm doesnt like the fact that im involved than she can get off of her FAT A** and do it herself.

ok the pissing match is over... I was just simply wanting to get opinions on things not be attacked. Im a BM and a SM and Im proud of all of my kids bio or step.. Since DH has 50/50 that makes me a role model for this lil guy, and guess what he loves me and he loves his mom too.. Parents who are open minded and not bitter seem to parent children way better...

You can give me all the back lash you want. The fact is if bm didnt want her son to have a sm she should of kept her legs closed and not get prego from someone other than her husband..

Divorce is a fact of life for anyone whom does not take it serious. male or female.. everyone makes mistakes unfornunately adultrey is hard to forgive and forget especially when their are children as a result..

And Dh has asked for him and bm to get together and talk about the school issue ( about an hour ago) she said we have plenty of time its almost summer... So he said he will find out from the school, give the info to bm and go from there..

    Bookmark   April 22, 2009 at 10:46PM
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I agree adultery is hard to forgive, but on this board apparently it is much more acceptable to be made at Xwifre than Xhusband and SM for this. Am I bitter? Maybe. But in any event her dad and I are the primary.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 6:43AM
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I dont believe any form of adutery is acceptable from mom or dad... Im not here to bash bm's or sm's, Im here to try and deal with all of this childish behavior from my dh and his ex BOTH OF THEM...

If only more people put the kids first instead of themselves our kids would not need all the therpy, or have to listen to bm and sm and dad fighting with their significant other or vice versa... The marriage failed not the parenting.. but some bms and dads try to make it so hard for the other parent because of BITTERNESS it screws our kids up and our future relationships..

I dont try to step on bm's toes and take her job as mom, shes bm and she needs to do her job, but when I have ss coming to me and saying i take better care of him than his mom (it makes me sad for him) and I tell him his mother loves him very much and that she does her best and I just have more experience (meaning Ive been a mom for 20 years)

I take parenting serious Its the most important job that I will ever have in my entire life and my girls are awesome young ladies in college and high school, never in trouble,always very respectful...I also have my nephew whom is growing into a wonderful young man. and hes awesome, yes he has issues but thats because of his bm leaving him almost 6 years ago and never coming back. My ss is spoiled and needs reassurance on everything, I do not spoil you have to earn things, Im at every game and practice for ss just like my kids. I cheer him on when he makes a goal he looks at me not bm (which is sad) because she usually sits in her car and doesnt cheer him on... I guess you get my point...

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 8:57AM
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KKNY wrote:

"I have to say if my Xs SO had a bigger role at my D's school than I did, I would be concerned. As far as I am concerned (and I have custody virtually 24/7), I dont want teachers etc talkign to Xs SO. Which would be true even if they were married."

Cat 38 wrote:

"This is not a pissing match... BM has had every chance in the world to be involved in her sons school and she is to LAZY.. And doesnt care. I volunteer because the schools need us and I love kids and I have the time to... "

I'd like to jump into this particular bit of the fray. Those who've read my posts over the past few years know that I am one of the few very lucky BioMoms whose son has a really great StepMom, and that over the past five years or so, she and I have become friendly co-parents, insulating me from having to deal with an Ex who is truly toxic.

BUT - Her (IMO) 'excessive' involvement volunteering at DS's school in the early years (pre-marriage, even) was a big problem for me. Quite frankly, it was a territory issue, and those are sensitive and inflamatory. (And I'm not overly-sensitive and am very low-drama.) Of course, I went to every teacher conference, open house, school event, but DS's school was not hurting for volunteers, so I didn't volunteer there. Instead, I used my limited volunteer time at younger DS's school, a small private school for kids with autism. They needed me; he needed me; time was finite. But Ex 'spun' it to older DS that I didn't care about his school and that StepMom did, and that she was 'a better Mom' than I was. (Yes, he said that to DS. Even SM admitted it!) And StepMom didn't correct people who assumed she was DS's BM. And in some cases, she even went behind my back to DS's teachers and doctors with concerns and opinions directly contradictory to my own. (Older DS is gifted but dyslexic. Everyone acknowledges the dyslexia now, but Dad and SM didn't, for years, and actively thwarted my attempts to get DS the help he needed.)

Anyway, the territory issues -- which is what you've got -- are incendiary. If BioMom is neglecting what SS needs, (like medical care) then OK -- and deal with the fallout. But if it's 'optional' (like volunteering at DS's school) -- then bow out gracefully.

You might be surprised at the goodwill that results...

As to your root question:
"Why does everything have to be BM'S way or its a fight?"
Well, the answer is simple:
Because she's the boy's Mother. So I'd be very surprised if she didn't consider herself to be the primary parent. Moms are just like that.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 10:14AM
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Ok here we go again...

I am at the school not only for ss but my nephew whom I have custody of goes there also...

Again if BM wants to volunteer she can, she has as much time as I do, But she doesnt.. Her loss

Dh has primary residential custody also, and he volunteers when he can about 100 times more than bm...

Bm doesnt make HER son do homework, bm doesnt give HER son his medication, BM doesnt make HER son take a shower or bath she just wipes him down, BM doesnt volunteer in HER sons class, oh ya BM hasnt paid for 1 medical bill or prescription even though she is court ordered to pay half. BM has HER son living in a house where there are smokers even though HER son has asthma.. OH YA BM IS A RN TOO and makes plenty of money to do her share, but no she gets away with it all.

DH and I pay for everything, make sure he gets his meds, goes to the doctor, etc...

I am willing to bet that if the tables were turned and DH didnt do what BM doesnt do he would be crusified in here... but of course shes the mom lets give her a break... BOO HOO

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 7:18PM
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Does BM know that your nephew, of whom you have custody, also goes to this school?
That may change how she perceives your involvement.

My point is simply that is she feels you are overstepping your proper territory, she is likely to react the way most people react when their boundaries are encroached upon.

And while you may feel like my post was accusing or somehow unsympathetic, that wasn't my intent. I really am trying to offer a suggestion that I believe may be helpful. Your response sounded a bit abrasive.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 8:15PM
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Not trying to be abrasive, I am just sick of BM getting away from doing all her responsabilities, and then im crusified for being a loving sm...

So to answer your question

Yes bm knows my nephew is at the same school. Yes BM signed up for volunteering She went to the school 1 time she has missed 1 out of 3 teacher meetings ( and no I did not go NOT MY PLACE)

I do not tag along to doctor appointments unless ss asked me to go because his mom had to work, Shes missed 4 appointments and doesnt take him on her day, she doesnt have time, and he will be ok... (its only asthma) thats what I hear.

Bms dad (whom she lives with) has told ss his dad is a BAST**D and very bad.. Yup bm admitted to it....

the list goes on and on

BECAUSE BM IS BITTER AND WANTS HER FAMILY BACK (yes the family she cheated on) and I am in the way...Im getting over it....

I just dont know why they both do what they agreed to and parent THEIR son without all the drama...


OMG then maybe we would have more successful kids in life...

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 8:48PM
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Okay, I feel the need to join the fray for the same reason that sweeby did but on the other side and a different situation.

When DH and I first got together he was fairly fresh from divorce. I will freely admit that we moved fairly quickly. A few months after we started dating he moved in with me. It started out more as a he didnt have a place to live other than his parents (ie divorce) and just progressed from there. I will say that I am thoroughly proud of my own encouragement to make sure he spent his time with his kids doing whatever he wanted without me and not in my home. But, once he was moved in and we were setteled and quite happy ... he expressed to me that he missed his kids and really didnt like not seeing them every day and he would really like them to move in with us. I told him (probably not really knowing what I was doing at the time) that there is no way I could tell him no to something like that they were his kids, this was his home now and... he was a package. So he talked to BM and she AGREED saying she wanted to have them every weekend. Well, quickly every weekend was eow... then maybe once a month and the kids wanted and tried to call her all the time with no answer and no return phone calls.

During this time (still not married) I realized that oldest ss had major issues in school and started working with him... other ss had slight issues and started working with him as well. When I found out the school they were going to pre divorce (still attending when we first got together) told DH that ss' problems werent their concern and he needed to teach him at home I blew a fuse and told DH he needed to find a better school. We searched and searched and found what we thought to be a good school... bm was encouraged to do so but never did .. never even took a tour of the school that the kids eventually went to. So, from then forth I was at every meeting every volunteer thing ...everything. BM showed up when she wanted to and played the oh my babies card... but the reality was by that time they were my babies. I will never forget her reaction (in the middle of an IEP meeting for oldest ss) after DH and I were actually married ... counselor asked for my last name and when DH gave my married name BM snatched the paper and pen from my hand and stomped out of the room.

I tried to be courteous of her position... I stopped caring a long time ago.

Now adays, I treat her like an employee. (this may sound terrible but it works) I dont suggest things... I tell her in a kind professional manner keeping my viewpoints to myself. Everything is politically correct... just as a manager would be to a subordinate... and so far it works wonderfully.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2009 at 12:53AM
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I learned that people only get away with what they are allowed.

My SO didn't even read his divorce papers. Stupid.....I know. He believed that this woman who cheated on him and wantd to leave him would be fair to him in the divorce. Stupid.......I know. By not reading his papers, he gave BM "sole-managing conservatorship". He has NO say-so in anything involving his DD including religion, residence, medical consent....nothing. So, consequently, BM used him for what he was worth (a weekend babysitter) until she decided to move away with his DD. See? She's only getting away with what she is allowed. And he allowed it by not reading his papers.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2009 at 3:23PM
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mom of 4, I hear you, I truly do. But I can't help but think when I read your post, your husband allowed all that to go on as well. it's great that you stepped in, but you really stepped in for BOTH parents, not just bio mom.

I think a lot of men just sit back and agree to anything and want someone else to do it for them. A lot of times they'll say they didn't know, ok fine. But how's biomom supposed to know either. That's why there is such an outcry when a stepmom has to come in and pick up the slack. Not just because of biomom, but because of their husband too. But it is easier to blame biomom, because she is the mom. And it is easier to give your husband a pass, because he is your husband.

And I agree with Ashley and think that makes a lot of sense in real life situations too. People only take what you're offering.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2009 at 4:33PM
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You are so correct BM only gets away with what dh lets her.. I tell dh to send certified letters with information to her, but she wont sign for them... I alo told dh that they should try to work their issues out for their son's sake, BM says one thing and does another.

EXAMPLE: BM calls dh last night and says to him, I will give you your copy of our sons baby pics on SATURDAY (hes been asking for them for 2 years) so he says great, she also says he can now have HIS family pic back that have nothing to do with her ( I asked him if she bumped her head) Im not done she asked dh if he would provide her with a copy of all of their sons sports pictures,(she refused to but them) and then said why dont we just split any future picture packages equally since so many get wasted.. SHE then says I will have a check for you for what I owe you for our sons medical bills... Dh gets off the phone and says to me I THINK THE WOMEN IS BIPOLAR... I said naaaa maybe shes just sick of fighting like you are...

Now today
BM calls dh and says I want to see your bank statements for proof you paid these bills... OMG I gave her copies from the doctor, dentist, therapist, and for meds proving all bills were paid... I even gave her a statement from the insurance co. showing all out of pocket expenses..

ARE YOU FN KIDDING ME... He says if you didnt pay them how in the hell do you think they got paid....

OK no what???

I can provide my bank statements but hello does she need to know all of my buiness..

DH just got off the phone and told her I guess you love paying attorneys instead of paying your half of your sons medical bills...

    Bookmark   April 24, 2009 at 8:58PM
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I agree ... it was both parents. Dh slacked just as much as BM did. The only thing that I can say in DH's behalf is at the end of their marriage he was working two jobs because she wanted to be a stay at home mom... and yet when he would come home the kids would still be in there pjs and nothing would be done...

I wont say that is an excuse because really in my book it is not... but I will say in the long run DH was willing to listen and make active strides to correct things... BM did not. She chose to disappear ... she chose to not be involved... she chose to leave her kids.. well ... everything up to a women she barely knew and talked trash about... I dont know but as a mom it would be a cold day.. before I would have let my kids move in with my ex's new girlfriend and let her have as much influence over my kid's life as she did. Maybe part of her wanted the situation to break us up thinking I couldnt handle it... and honeslty maybe she just didnt have someone "in her corner" to say the things that I said to DH but she didnt step up for her kids... she still doesnt. Unless it is fun, unless she can say oh my babies are so great... she has no care whatsoever.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2009 at 12:56AM
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The bm you have , its in her character to do so. She's neglegable on many accounts and just doesn't want to dish out the cahs...plus some mental issues doens't help.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2009 at 7:45AM
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I am very inolved with the girls school. I will also be very invovled in the court case when we get a date set. I'll have to be a character witness for J and against her I am sure.

If the mom isn't involved for whatever reason why can't someone else be. It isn't fair to the kid. What if he ,like the girls, loves his SM and would prefer her to be there....ESPECIALLY if mom won't or can't?

I don't look at kids as "territory". I don't think good paretns should look at kids as territory. They arn't houses or cars "won" in a divorce. That's such a black and white stance to take on such a very emotional and personal situation.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 1:15PM
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Doodle, you have a very situation where the child's mother is absent/incompetent. It is terrific that you have stepped up to the plate, but your situation isnt the same as when there is a 50/50 split, or more common, the child's mom has them more.

I agree that children aren't won in a divorce. That also means that Dad can't give them to SM like he can use of a car or house. The court decides which parent has time and how much.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 1:59PM
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I agree cases vary KKNY.

But again, what if the child's parents can't make it and the child would very much so like for a step parent to attend? Should the poor kid be told no because of " territory issues"? Why should the kid be the only child to not have a parent present just because a step attending might step on a Bio's toes? At what point does the child's feelings become more important than the parents? In the case of good parents I would think the childrens feelings would come first with issues like these.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 2:12PM
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Doodle -- when neigher parent can't make it, the parents should decide what happens.

Statistically most Dads have more money than Moms. It doesnt take an Einstien of a kid to figure that out. Not all kids put money first, but many kids will think, if I want Dads money, I better be nice to SM.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 3:33PM
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That's a bit of a stretch as far as for why a child would REQUEST a step parents prescence at a school function KKNY.

I could see a step child being nice to a step parent when they have to be around them during visitations and holidays for that reason but I don't think they would go out of their way to invite the step to functions if they didn't have to and didn't like them. Why would they?

Chances are the step wouldn't even now about the function if they arn't a custodial step parent so why would the kid even mention it if they didn't want them there? It doesn't take an Einstein to know dads normally don't keep up with that sort of thing so how would the SM know about it to begin with?

If one parent says cool and the other parent is just being pig headed and selfish and the kid wants SOMEBODY there...I say go SM. There isn't any law prohibiting anyone to attend public functions. Public school functions are public and if she picks the kid up or drops him off at all (which I'm betting she does and there is no complaints about THAT because it's convienient for the Bio's) than the school is not going to ban her from functions. She is known as the child's step parent to the staff and like it or not she won't be questioned.

Mom would have to go to court and raise hell over something as stupid as a school play and I doubt it's worth the time or the money to her.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 4:12PM
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Doodle -- You think that is it a bit of a stretch -- I would suggest that you can't see how others live. I have said on numerous occassions that I appreciate what you have brought to your Stepchildren's lives, why cant you appreciate that there are different families.

Some SMs are so anxious for their family to appear as to what they want -- and yes, its not hard to anticpate holiday plays, graduations, etc. Look at some complaints here -- SM being invited to graduation, weddings, etc. but not being treated as well as mom -- even if they were an EOW SM. Maybe they have a fear that good old dad will bolt if they cant put up the illusions they want.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 4:42PM
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Just the clairify ... SS has asked me to come to his school quit a few times. One example it was grandparents day, neither set of grandparents could attend Dh's are out of town, bms didnt want n to go, they go to the bar everyday from 9am to 11:30am.. So I told him to ask his teacher and if it was ok than I would go.. By the way i had 4 kids with me that didnt have grandparents there, including my ss...

When ever there is a paper that comes home for extra things the teacher needs BM leaves it in ss folder for dh...

When ss had to have warts removed bm refused to take him to the doctor, so dh had to and when they were there dh and ss.... my ss called me and said he was scared could I come let him squeeze my hand... And of course I went right there thank god it was only a few miles away.. I am the one yelling for ss to go et the ball, what a good job buddy, way to go, awesome... NOT BM when she comes to ss games she sis there saying nothing or she is in line at the concession stand...

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 8:22PM
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Nivea - you are so right! A lot of fathers don't argue and fight for their kids because they frankly don't want to have any more responsibilities than when they were married to the BM. My X is like that with his GF. SHE takes DS to daycare on Monday mornings after his weekend. SHE does his laundry. SHE gets him up and dressed in the mornings when he has to go to school.

I've been thinking about why my SO didn't fight harder for his daughter and why he doesn't insist more on her visiting (going on 5 months now). It came to me this morning. He doesn't want to fight with her because he doesn't want to have to spend the extra time doing the things that it would take to have a child live with him and be his sole responsibility.

For instance, he always wakes up before me by about 45 minutes or an hour, and closes the doors to the bedroom so he doesn't disturb me. I have my own alarm clock and I'm an adult so I'm responsible for getting myself up and then getting DS up. Well, this morning, I evidently turned the alarm OFF. He never came to check on me even though it was about 30 minutes after I am supposed to be up.

I got to thinking that maybe that's why he doesn't want custody of his DD. Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility of making sure she gets up on time in the morning, gets her homework done, gets her to all her activities and gets to bed on time. Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility of checking her grades and making sure she has lunch money. If he leaves everything the way it is, he can just complain about it and then he's always the good guy, never the bad guy, and can always focus on himself.

With me...all he has to do is think "she's an adult and responsible for herself and her kid". Even though common courtesy would dictate that if I wasn't awake at the normal time, he should at least come check and make sure everything is okay. He wouldn't have that excuse with his own child.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2009 at 5:43PM
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I think there are lot of men -- gee lets think Alpha type -- who not only wont back away from a fight but look forward do it. Then I think there are others who fight for custody to reduce or eliminate CS.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2009 at 7:11PM
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"Then I think there are others who fight for custody to reduce or eliminate CS."

I honestly think when a man is spending thousands of dollars on legal fees, he is doing it because he really wants his children.

I don't argue there are some men (and women, too) who do love to *fight* and will duke it out in court just for the sake of a fight.

I really just have a hard time seeing a dad fight for MORE time with his children just to avoid paying child support. It costs far more to have a child live with you or spend a significant amount of time with you than it does to pay child support. My DH is very fortunate in that his c/s is very low because he and BM have joint custody--and before you even go there, they have ALWAYS had joint custody. Anyway, he pays $277/month in child support and I can assure you we spend FAR MORE than THAT to have his son with us 50% of the time. If they did NOT have joint custody, DH's child support would have been $600 and something/month. We STILL pay more than that to have SS with us 50% of the time.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2009 at 8:04PM
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Hadley, I believe you are sincere -- but possibly naive or dont want to look at others viewpoints. Believe me I know how much it costs to have a child in my household, but when Dad gets wifey # 2, 3 etc and has more children if Wifey sub 2, 3, etc is SAHM, the marginal cost may not seem that much, particulary if the income level of Dad is high. I have seen SMs complain when dad is paying 6 Gs a month in CS -- which means Dad makes a lot of $$$.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2009 at 9:23PM
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