BM Called Social Services-Help!

newwife58April 1, 2009

Today DH got a message on his cell while at work from Social Services. They were looking into allegations against him! Amazing. DH is a loving, involved father, and would NEVER hurt his kids. They did not return his follow up phone call today, so we have no idea what it is about.

Could be SS 5 and SS 8 were playing basketball this past weekend and SS8 ended up with a bloody lip... BM knew I would be out of town this weekend, so it wouldn't surprise me if she took her opportunity to call when there would be no "witness".

The thing is, she questions us about every bump and bruise that they get. They are very active little boys, and they do ge there share, but neither of them have ever been to the emergency room on our watch, however she has had several visits. We don't accuse her of anything. I don't know why I'm surprised, but I can't believe she would stoop that low.

We are very concerned the boys will be questioned, and we don't want them to be brought into this, she is constantly trying to "possess" them, and they should just be allowed to be kids!

Has anyone ever had false allegations against DH or SM called into social services? What should we expect? HELP!

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SD's BM made allegations but it was so outrageous that the social worker knew right away it was false. She claimed SD had a dislocated arm and we failed to get medical attention. As soon as the social worker interviewed her at school and saw her arm was not dislocated, she interviewed us, had us take SD to the dr. and then closed the case. It was obviously unfounded.

In your case, it's true that kids get hurt and it all depends on what BM is saying. Social services workers are trained to identify normal bruises, scrapes, injuries and suspect injuries. They will talk to the kids and both parents. They can also usually spot kids that have been coached. If DH did nothing wrong, I would take a relaxed approach and not worry about getting in trouble. I would show my concern for the kids and be as helpful and cooperative to the social worker as possible. If the worker comes off as accusatory or seems to be looking for a way to pin something on DH, then I would speak to his/her supervisor about and not get defensive. Being nervous, defensive or evasive are red flags and if there is nothing to be nervous, defensive or evasive about.. then don't be.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2009 at 8:25PM
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I have never been involved with social services but they have an obligation to follow up on reports -- its there job.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2009 at 8:53PM
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My Ex has done it twice. The thing is they will not tell you for sure who it is so and so. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to guess. Both times they went to school and interviewed all three boys, then they come to the house and see where you live and interview you and DH. Then in a few weeks you will get a letter saying all is well.
It didn't hurt that my kids get in home counseling. They told SS that it was a joke.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 11:32AM
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Are you absolutely certain it was social services? If it was just a disembodied message it could be a sick joke, although if they left a number perhaps not (or perhaps yes)

If you have done nothing wrong, I wouldn't worry, like others said, they are usually pretty good at figuring things out.

I just wish that there were laws with teeth that were enforced when it comes to vexatious allegations, especially those in the family court type of situation.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 11:51AM
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There may not be laws to stop people from making false allegations, but social services agencies usually already feel overworked and underpaid. When they get repeatedly unfounded allegations, they give them less and less weight. They still have to investigate them, but when you have checked on the same kids four or five times and nothing is wrong, you start to think something is wrong with the caller. The courts also recognize the BS too.

In some states, you can sue the person if you can prove they are the ones calling as it may be a form of harassment.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 2:35PM
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Social services usually figures it out. My ex made the sickest complaint ever. When DD was about 4 she developed a very close relationship with a friend of mine (we were no dating, in fact he was married, wanted kids, but his wife didnt). Anyway, she always talked about him when she visited her dad or talked to him on the phone. One day, I received a phone call from social services. He apparently told social services that he thought she was being abused because when she visited she was in the bathtub pretending to ride a penis (they never mentioned names, but I knew it was him). Social services paid a visit and we chatted, and she spoke to DD who is extremely well adjusted, no thanks to him. Visit lasted about 20 minutes. She then followed up with her pre-school teachers who raved about us and that was the end of that. Too bad they couldn't fine him or something for wasting their time while there are actually kids who are in need of intervention from social services that don't get it because they are so busy investigating every fraudulent call. Anyway, moral of the story is, it will be ok. But I do understand your frustration. These kinds of parents need to grow up.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 2:56PM
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Thanks for the support. We played 24 hours worth of phone tag before we found out what the allegations were, and like mentioned above, they would not tell us who called. But they didn't have to.

Here it is: she told social services that DH has been punching, yes PUNCHING, the kids in the stomach. They are coming to interview us on Tuesday, but have already interviewed the boys. The social worker told DH on the phone that the boys said "they don't remember being punched in the stomach, but they were told that it happened." Nice.

Social worker said it's pretty clear the kids are being fed information, but she still has to follow protocol. I can't believe the boys have to go through this. I always knew she was crazy, but COME ON!!

Apparently she took the boys to the doctor to have kat-scans (sp?) of their stomachs, which we found out from the kids. (They have joint custody, and are supposed to make medical decisions together. Shouldn't she have cleared this through DH before having tests done??) DH called the doc for results, and they said absolutely nothing was wrong with them, except their bowels were full and they needed to use the bathroom. No wonder they're constipated with this kind of stress in their lives! There has got to be some reprecussion for this kind of behavior.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 2:43PM
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There is . . . the boys will figure their mom out. I think that can be the worst punishment some times.

So sorry you have to deal with all this. Just keep your head high and your actions positive. That will get you farther faster than anything.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 1:42AM
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If your DH has considered going for custody, there usually has to be more than one incident, unless it's a huge one, for the court to change an order. I hope you keep a journal or file to document these things. If she continues, she could lose custody and JNM is right, the kids figure it out for themselves... just takes time. Don't play the game and I love what JNM said in another thread... your sane makes her crazy more noticeable. So true!

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 10:51AM
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My SC's BM calls DCF every time she gets a hair across her a$$. Usually a month before they are headed back to court they have been going every 6 months for 4 years because its a heated battle.

She figures DCF will back her up what a great parent she is and how horrible we are to the children well after this last "phone call" to DCF concerning the childrens safety we requested they stay involved for as long as possible They wanted to close it many times we refused and asked for services ... they didn't do much ... but when they went to court in feb. BM was so happy to tell the judge DCF was still involved so the judge called DCF and they submitted a letter to the court about how BM is using their dept to prove she is the better parent and many other unkind words about BM.

Conclusion ... unless my SC have been mortally wounded she or anyone she knows is not to contact DCF or they will file charges against her for false accusations. It took 4 years of unfounded reports to get this far.

Hubby was granted full sole and legal custody of my 2 SS's, and she was granted sole legal of SD. No further court dates.

Its frustrating you feel like you are always walking on egg shells and how you are under a microscope for what she will say to DCF but I knew we were not wrong and the longer someone listened to both sides they would figure out who the problem was ... And they did :).

If you are not wrong ask for help from DCF don't let them close it if you feel it's only going to get worse.

I took a chance on losing my job by keeping the case open.

I work with senior citizens and children I drive a school bus and do medical transport and any allegations of abuse would/could certainly be cause for my losing my job. Any certifications I have earned in the last 20 years would be useless but it was worth it in the end. No I will never be a foster parent but oh well. I still have my job :).

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 11:14AM
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The good news is you do have rights. The bad news is they are required to follow up on allegations and although is is upsetting and stressful if it saves 1 child....well you get what I'm saying.

If this continues speak up. Social workers see this everyday and we went through several before they sent one out that had had enough. I went through a very nasty/scary breakup with an ex and everytime I would refuse to see him, be seen out with someone (even my boss at Staples!) etc. DCF would show up at my house. He even involved my neighbors because he knew they had a problem with the fact my kids are homeschooled. The last social worker filed a complaint of false allegations. He said I have the most well adjusted, intelligent kids and the only one "abusing" them was the one putting them through the constant visits from his agency. I'll admit the neighbor opened her big mouth after the last visit....she basically told me that she and my ex had both called and was quite proud of herself. That is until I told her that a complaint had been filed. Amazingly not a single issue since then.

Just stick to your guns and be diligent about any injuries etc. Those kids need all of the love and support they can get and it sounds like BM is still to full of hatred to do it.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 1:48PM
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So the saga DH received an email from BM. It began Dear it was either meant for her pastor and she sent to DH by mistake, or she meant for it to go to DH by "accident" to scare us.

Anyway she is now accusing ME of hitting SS 8, due to "the excesive drinking they do on the weekends." BM was finally served with court papers regarding our request for primary placement of the boys on Friday. This email to her "Pastor" asks for him to pray for them, and that the court will have "wisdom." I agree, I hope he does pray for the court to have wisdom.

I can't believe she is now conveniently accusing me of also hitting the kids, one day after being served. A background, DH and BM were divorced 5 years ago because she accused his father of molesting the oldest boy. This was investigated, found false, and DH and BM divorced. Is it possible that she simply does not want them at all involved with their dad and his entire family??? We had to drop the boys off at her house about an hour ago and are just sick that they have to go back there. I feel like we are sending them straight to hell. They told us again today that BM is "always asking them" what we do to them. And how much we drink, which is a beer or glass of wine on the weekends. We have NEVER had more than two drinks in front of the boys and I HATE that we are being made to feel guilty for this. (She doesn't touch alcohol or have a TV, or eat anything that is not organic- she does read the bible and listen to the Christian radio station constantly, creating the facade that she is perfect while it couldn't be further from the truth.)

We have only been married six months and I love DH and the kids dearly, but I just want to be newlyweds. DH feels so bad that I am now a victim of BM's lies, and told me today that he will find a way to make this all up to me. He better!!! :) Why won't she just leave us and the kids alone?!?!? We never wanted to go as far as trying to get primary placement of the kids, but DH and I talked about it at length (I was initially hesitant as this was not what I signed up for when we got married). But as time goes on, I truely believe the happiness and well being of the boys depends on them getting out of there and being allowed to be kids. I'm so nervous for the next few months...

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 6:10PM
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Its only going to get much much worse before it even begins to get better.... it will take time ... if you have it in you its worth it in the middle :) I am no where near the end of this battle.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 7:57PM
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