More lies and more sneakiness!!!

incognitomomApril 4, 2011

Uggh. I am going insane with my 9 year old ss. I posted a while ago about his lying. It got better for a bit, but is back again. He is still sneaky about things too.

Yesterday ds was gone for the day. He comes home and something of his is broken. (before leaving ds cleaned their whole room and ss played for a bit and left stuff all over their floor. Ds asked ss to clean up his mess and ss screamed he hated him and wanted to kill him. I talked to ss and let him know that was not acceptable. I pointed out how hard ds worked on cleaning their room and how nice it had looked. I talked to him about the importance of cleaning up behind yourself. I talked to him about how mean his words were and that we do not allow talk like that in this house. He apologized to ds)

So anyways ss tells ds he has no idea how the toy broke. So I question ss and can tell he is lying so I start mentioning a possible scenerio of how it happened and then ss gave me the shocked look and admitted to hitting the toy against something and breaking it. I made him apologize and told him that he may not use ds's things without his permission. I told him to apologize and grounded him from video games for a day.

This morning ss wakes up for school and is a crabby mess! I knew he must have snuck video games in at night because that is usually why he would wake up a monster.

So I look at his psp is still on my dresser where we make him put it each night because we have had issues in the past with him playing it. I go look in his room and the old ds that we had in the basement is plugged into the outlet by his bed and the ds is sitting in arms reach under his bed.

DH flipped the screen up and attached a stickee note with a message on it saying "if you are reading this you know you are caught. Bring the ds to me right now! Love Mom and Dad.

So we will see tonite what happens with that. Afterschool the kids got home before I did. They know afterschool they can help themselves to a healthy snack (fruit, granola bar, etc.) They know no junk food!

Well I bought cookies the other day and the box was still sealed. I get home and see the cookies on the counter opened. I ask who opened it and the others said ss did and he ate them! He knows darn well he can not have those as a snack....but since no adults wer standing over him he ate them anyways! I talked to him and asked him when he forgot our rule of no junk food without permission. He shrugged his shoulders. I told him not to bother having dessert with the rest of us after dinner because he already helped himself to his. I seriously feel like going to get McDonalds sundaes or something for everyone else tonite to teach him a lesson!

I am just mad. He got grounded from video games and then snuck them anyways. He knows the junkfood rule and he still ate cookies afterschool. Not too long ago I found wrappers under his bed from him sneaking junk food in the middle of the night! I should not have to keep junk food locked up! Everyone else can eat it in moderation. He does not follow our rules and lies. I am so sick of it!

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My sd is the same way. as long as someone is not looking she will do whatever she wants. Knowing that usually we find out anyways. I still have not yet figured out how to deal with it. granted mine is 6 so part of it might just be normal age behavior. My sd is allowed to do whatever she wants at her bm home by everything i mean everything. Once her bm told her no for ice cream and she went and grabbed a chair and took it upon herself to go through the freezer... BM cousin called and told me about it to disipline her since her BM didnt. We did disipline her telling her that is completely unacceptably if she is not allowed to it here she cant do it there.. but then , why should we disipline her for what she does there? not really our job.. or is it?.. i tell ya - i am only 25 with 2 babies of my own but the hardest part is figuring out how to be a proper step parent and know our bonderies. My sd for the most part is very well behaved (when we are around) when we are not in sight - she is manipulative to her friends and does things she know she shouldnt.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2011 at 3:25PM
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A few years ago, SD was talking to her older sister, who was living with grandma at the time. Grandma was at work & older sister was home alone... she was 12 or 13 at the time. SD asked her if she was going to raid the kitchen & older sister told her no, because she was competing in tae kwon do and needed to stay in shape. SD told her she is stupid to not raid the kitchen when she's home alone.

Ever since I've known SD, she sneaks food & eats it in her room when we are home. She hasn't been left alone in the house until recently. I went to visit my son for a week out of state & when I got back, almost all my girl scout cookies were missing. DH randomly checks her lunch box since she packs her own lunch & often she has a sandwich & everything else is junk... cakes, cookies, etc. when she's supposed to take fruit, crackers & ONE dessert goody. We find candy wrappers in the washer/dryer when doing her laundry. We find candy & chip wrappers stuffed under her bed (between the bed & wall). We don't give SD candy very often but I do keep some in a tin for holidays. She also uses my DD's toiletries... she was using my DD's mouthwash & putting water back into the bottle thinking she was going to fool her? Obviously, water downed mouthwash is noticeable. She uses my DD's shampoo & conditioner but then is careful to hide hers so nobody will use it (my DD buys expensive stuff & has no interest in using SD's) It goes on & on. My biggest issue with SD is not being able to trust her... the stealing, sneaking, lying & manipulating.

I wonder how much is normal kid stuff that they outgrow or if it's just who they are... and it will never change? My concern is that BM is a sneaky, lying, manipulative thief. and while I don't think it's right to label a child "just like her mother", the fact is that she is doing the exact same things & we've tried breaking those habits or trying to get through to her for four years & it's only getting worse.

The only answer that has really worked for us is to allow the natural consequences occur when SD lies or get caught. (or even if she doesn't)

She sneaks food, she gains weight. (and her clothes don't fit. We've had to buy larger clothes & she isn't allowed to wear the super tight fitting clothes anymore)

She lies about doing homework, she gets poor grade & can't participate in fun activities. (and is currently facing retention, which she really does not want)

She uses other people's toiletries, she isn't allowed to put hers in her room. (even though nobody wants to use them anyway)

If she were to break someone's toy, the owner of the toy should get to choose a replacement toy from her collection.

If she eats cookies (or any other junk food) without permission, then after dinner when dessert is handed out, she gets none & is told she already had her dessert earlier.

and so on. I had given SD three boxes of different snacks to choose from but when she decided to put nothing but junk in her lunch (and she is limited to taking a sandwich, two sides plus an after school snack) and she had packed five or six cookie/cake items that day... the boxes of snacks were held for a week because she basically put a weeks worth of dessert snacks in her lunch in one day.

I don't have any other better suggestions for you. I'll be reading to see if anyone else does because this has been one of the biggest obstacles for me too.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2011 at 4:22PM
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Mrsproffit- no no no no no you cannot discipline a 6 yr old for what she is allowed to do at mom's house. Remember what I said in your other post -- you can only control what happens in your home. Even though mom is making a monster and it's very hard on you when SD comes back to you, if mom allows that at moms house, there is nothing you can do about it.

Also, might I tell you a story that MIGHT lighten this situation for you. My own daughter pushed limits when she was that age. In kindergarten, her teacher called completely at a loss and frustrated because she had laid out cheerios for the kids to count, she specifically said do NOT touch until I say go... And she looks over at dd and MY little DD was looking at the teacher with one finger 'touching' the cheerio... Lol I laugh now because this time in our lives has past BUT at the time she was doing things like this to see how far she could go. Being defiant and pushing limits is like a right of passage for some kids.. Mine included. She grew out of that but I have no doubt it will start again in her preteen years.

Incognito-- I can't remember but does ss see a therapist? Sneaking food for children in these types of situations is a red flag. I have red about this and I have been told by my own therapist also. DD was sneaking food also and it's since stopped. She was going through something -- whatever it was at the time -- we had moved, we had a new baby, and she wasn't seeing dad at all for visits... So she was comforting her emotions with food. I can't say that either of my kids could show self control with sweets or candy or cookies. We do have to keep
Them locked up in an out of reach cabinet because they want them. They just can't help themselves. They eat sweets and goodies in moderation but if they were on the counter, I know both of my kids would break in to them... Even though they 'know better'. Please don't take this the wrong way, just a suggestion or curious -- are you being a bit hard on ss. I would be so frustrated of ss was 12 maybe even 11 but he is 9 and I'm just curious, is he just pushing to see what he can get away with?

Last night dd stayed up too late and I knew it because I could hear the tv and she knows the rules. One episode and then lights off... I woke her up 30 minutes early just to prove my point and to let her know I knew what she had done... And I said do not take it out on me that YOU disobeyed me last night and now you are tired ... No tv during breakfast ... Wow she was mad internally but I didn't hear a word out of her... And then tonight -- no tv.. But I know she will ask 'please can I...' I like your sticky note idea-- I should put one on the remote before I go to bed tonight.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2011 at 9:48PM
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Myfam I am sure that ss's food sneaking is a result of his sweet tooth. We limit junk food. He gets a junk food type thing (chips, nutty bar, etc.) in his lunch and most nights we have a dessert. Some nights its ice cream...other nights its a fruit parfait or something sweet but healthier. But if ss knows we have junk food in the house he is like toucan sam with fruit loops cereal! LOL

If ss had not been testing our limits for months I would think I am overreacting. But for months now he has been lying about things constantly, sneaking junk food when we are sleeping and leaving wrappers under his bed and other places which attracted ants, and sneaking video games when he is supposed to be sleeping. He has hidden homework in his backpack that he did not feel like doing. The list goes on. We have tried just talking to him, we have tried guilt trips, we have tried natural consequences, we have tried grounding, and we have tried yelling. Nothing seems to have a long term effect.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2011 at 10:38AM
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Don't buy junk food? Honestly I bought no candies, no cookies, no pop, no chips, no junk for a simple reason: not only DD would eat everything at once, but i would as well! DD would not bother with sneaking food, she would just eat it in a open. It tastes good, so why not eat it? We did buy unhealthy stuff once in awhile if we were out and it was a treat, like bought a pack for something and ate it right there, like popcorn at the movies, not bringing it stucking it at home and tempting ourselves. No temptation.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2011 at 3:24PM
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Oh no PO1 we eat it too!! Lol I really try to limit it but I have a sweet tooth too!!

Incognito I have no ideas!! I hope it's just a phase!!

    Bookmark   April 7, 2011 at 8:29PM
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myfampg - we have not disciplined her for what she does at her mothers house since that incident which was about 6 months ago. But i did discipline her when she was at the fair with me and her bm. we are strict sometimes i worry too strict but then again all i hear from our friends and family is how well behaved our children are are how do we do it... lol i know she would rather live there then here , to live with her bm... just sucks to know that but deep down i guess i cant blame her..

    Bookmark   April 7, 2011 at 11:37PM
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she doesnt know what she wants... she is six! The only thing she knows is that she wants mommy to love her and to be able to hug her. she is juse a babe still

    Bookmark   April 8, 2011 at 12:25AM
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PO1 I know that buying no junk food would be an immediate solution....but in the long run it really will not help. Then he will just overindulge when he is around it at other places.

This morning I was packing the kids lunches and noticed that one box of snacks was suddenly empty. Wasn't empty when I packed lunches I am sure ss snuck into them at some point yesterday or last night. UGGGHHH!! And of course when I ask him he denies it.

Guess the snacks grew feet and ran away!

    Bookmark   April 8, 2011 at 9:01AM
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IncMom, I'm trying to remember, is your SS ADD/ADHD? Even if not, some kids not only have poor impulsive control they lack the maturity to control what complusive tendencies other kids find routine.

Odds are kid is not even eating the junk because he's hungry or maybe even slightly thinking of being hungry. Many eat it because it's there and they can easily get it and stuff it in their faces. It has little to do with hunger. It actually has little to do with trying to defy mom/dad and laid out rules.

The child is not thinking realistical when it comes to popping the food in their mouth three and four bars/bags/whatever at a time. To them it merely taste good and they sometimes might even keep eating it long after their stuffed and bordering on getting tummy aches.

Yeah, you should not have to play 'food patrol', but do it anyway. Do the kid a favor...forget about whether or not you should HAVE to, do it. Either don't buy it or put in in away/locked place to be doled out under supervision. Some of this junk can have 350-450 calories and 20 grams of fat in one serving...kid is eating three, four, five times a serving. As annoying as playing food patrol might seem and as unnecessary as one might think it should be, please put those thoughts aside and look at it from a view the kid is not able future health.

It's more than simply having to buy bigger clothes (the kid may even be lucky enough to not gain an ounce from stuffing his face with junk), but it's a habit (or lack of impulse control) that will endanger his future health. Diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease/failure, stokes...kid is not thinking of these things at his age, and at their young ages many parents are not thinking of it either. As an adult diabetic trust me's no way in his mind that down the road he may be having to check his blood sugar levels several times a day, have A1c test every three months and take three kinds of medications each and every day and to mention the other risks of health issues it can lead to.

As he grows older, yeah it will become his decision and his place to monitor his own intake and lifestyle he chooses to live. Even now, you can't watch him 24/7 when he goes to eat elsewhere like friends house or out to grandma's ect...but as his mom/dad in my opinion it's our 'job' to do what we can during the time and years the kids are under our watch.

As far as the video game thing. Again, you're battled this one, tried all the usual tactics and failed. Now lock the darn things up. Gone. No chance to sneak. No chance to be tempted to go find. He'll know where they are at and that it's locked up for 1 week (one month whatever). That may seem unnecesssary too and something you should NOT HAVE to do, but choice is really yours. Do you want to play game patrol each night (and crabby boy next morning)? Of course not. Should kid knock it off and 'behave' himself? Of course...but in some cases the time comes when mom/dad has to take the upperhand and go the extra step especially when and/or if true poor impulse control and compulsive tendencies are at play.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2011 at 10:19AM
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I respectfully disagree incognitomom, if children are not overly familiar with junk food they won't have as much interest in it. More one eats junk food, more one becomes addicted.

Yes they might overindulge when they are somewhere, but how often does that happen? How often do young kids go to eat somewhere else? If he overindulges here or there once in awhile it won't be as bad as doing it every day at home. Nothing wrong with overindulging here and there but not every day in your own home under your own parents watch.

I have good will power and don't have impulse control issues and am middle age, yet there are things that I would have hard time not eating if they are there. Heck I just came from work hungry and if I had chips or cookies, I would eat them in a heart beat. I had none, so I am eating a pear right now. He is only 9.

I do agree with justmetoo, take videogames away. he is 9, it is not like he desperately needs them for his intellectual development. He is abusing a privilege of playing them, they got to go until he is older.

Don't get me wrong, i am not into harsh parenting style at all, I was a rather lenient parent in many aspects but you sure could eliminate unnecessary temptations that your children are not mature enough to overcome.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2011 at 5:20PM
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"if children are not overly familiar with junk food they won't have as much interest in it"

I respectfully disagree with this because we live in a society where you can't watch kids programs without an abundance of commercials for junk food, sweets, etc. Many schools offer a lot of junk as part of their hot lunch programs. Some schools have vending machines & of course there are always going to be kids that bring junk in their lunches and the other kids see. It's great to teach kids early on, how to eat healthy... but every holiday throughout the year, stores devote a section to candy & sweets centered around that holiday. Kids also go to birthday parties.. there's cake, ice cream & candy. Kids cannot grow up without being familiar with what's out there.

I have a niece that will choose fresh fruit over sweets. Her sister would rather have cucumbers with lemon juice. But, some kids.. no matter how much you encourage good habits, have a sweet tooth & want junk food. And then some kids have emotional issues that they use food to soothe or comfort them. The bigger issue than eating junk food is the sneakiness & lying... about homework, etc. Sneaking junk food is just a symptom & not having junk food is not going to alleviate the problem.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2011 at 7:41PM
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Absolutely, Ima. Even as a diabetic I do get my 'sweets' but they're either self made so I can control what is in them or they are in bitty bites of a true 'forbidden' no-no. I've asked the DH to order a bowl of bread pudding just so I can have a spoonful. One small cafe we stop at has wonderful daily made and it's a weakness.

I don't deny my little one sweets but she has to have what I have at home. I don't buy packaged 'junk' because I might be tempted to nibble on it. When we go to the fair, sure, we do buy the elephant ear smothered in cherry pie filling. I get a bite maybe two. It's better for me to get that small sample than to feel denied totally something that I enjoy...I can eat it occasionally as long as I monitor the rest of my day's intake of carbs ect. As an adult it's easier for me to know what and how much I can consume than it would be for a child though. As long as the 'junk' is in moderation I don't see a need to completely ban it from children...items Ima mentioned like birthday parties with cake are not going to ruin a child. Sitting down at midnight with a plate of three pieces of leftover cake , that's a different story. Even a diabetic can have sweets, but certainly never a whole bag or four to five servings at once or in one day. For me, actually a small bowl of cantaloupe can be just as troublesome for me if I also had pasta for dinner as a candy bar would be.

The oldest daughter called today upset because GS8 and 3rd grade has been in 'trouble' at school all week. One day he smuggled out of house his DSi (he was the 'hit' of the playground and bus), one day he didn't want to do classroom math so he disappeared off to the bathroom for 20 minutes. Last offense was he did not turn in the 'punishment' take home work teacher sent home and skipped his usual homework too. His excuse? The teacher is lying and he really did not do any of that stuff, she's just trying to get me in trouble. GS called a bit ago crying. He told me to make Mommy stop being mean to him. DD grounded him from hockey game this weekend and he has to do worksheets she printed off online. Not sure what else because I told GS I would not speak to his mother that whatever mother/Dad decided was ok with me. I actually felt a bit mean hanging up on him, but I'll be damn if he's going to use me like that. He did wrong all week and he is going to have to pay the price. Crying to Gma is not going to change it.

Daughter texted a just now to say he had tried calling his other grandma. Now GS has also lost his phone rights for a week. (he usually just phones cousins and grandmas but he thinks he's being tortured I'm sure).

    Bookmark   April 8, 2011 at 9:00PM
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there is nothing wrong with sweets or junk on occassion, but one of the best ways to limit the intake is not to buy it or buy limited amount.

They advertise a lot of stuff, if you or your children have weight/food issue buying bunch of candies that are advertised is probably not very wise.

Sure kids have access to sweets and junk, and there is nothing wrong with having some access to it, but felling up your pantry with junk and then being surprised kids eat it all is probably not very wise. Sure birthday cakes is not bad at all, yet i doubt you'd want your kids to eat it daily.

I don't really see how the fact that stores sell candies and sweets for holidays pertain to your home life? Sure you wouldn't buy candies and sweets just because there are there? they sell cigarettes everywhere yet i don't buy them because I quit smoking. It would be silly of me to buy cigarettes because they are there? Heck if I buy them, I'll start smoking again. I don't understand this type of logic.

Of course once in awhile we could buy some candies for holidays or treats, but this is nothing to do with having junk in the house all the time and then wonder why kids eat it all.

I understand advertisement yet I am not so influenced by it that I must go and buy it all the time? Kids don't make their own money, so they'll eat what you buy for them with the exception of birthday parties or other outings that sure aren't daily occasions.

I never said we should completely eliminate any junk, in moderation and as a treat there is nothing wrong with it.

It is also what people got used to, when I see what some people eat or give their kids my hair stand up. If I ate like that I would not fit in the door. As an adult you have rights to eat what you want. But we are responsible for our kids health.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2011 at 2:30PM
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i think her point was that it is impossible to "not be overly familiar" with junk food. Personally, it drives me nuts that school even offer a snack line. But, it has been that way since I was a teenager and in school... and just about every single kid skips the lunch line for the snack line... which has nothing but pizza chips candy and soda.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2011 at 4:40PM
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I think it is possible. If you never buy it, kids won't be too familiar with the taste even if it is available elsewhere. If you don't eat it every day you don't want it as much. By being familiar I didn't mean like knowing what it is (sure everyone knows) but being familiar with the taste of it. You won't become addicted to junk if you almost never eat it. It just does not make you excited.

Honestly my DD never developed much taste for junk food even though it was always available at school or advertised. Kids learn what they see at home. She eats junk only on rare occasion as a treat and keeps none at her home. Honestly she eats healthier than me and when i visit her, I crave junk. LOL

Once again sure kids would eat junk if it is available elsewhere and we have no control over it, yet we have control what is going on in our own house, we can control our own refrigerator and pantry.

It is like saying that kids see violence or hear profanity on TV, well it does not mean I should do all of that in my own home. I think we had that discussion before how much bad influence kids get from everywhere, yet I believe parents underestimate their abilities to influence their children positively (up to certain age of course)

    Bookmark   April 9, 2011 at 5:03PM
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When you have a house with 3-4-5 kids, buying a box of twinkies gives you 10 snack cakes... enough for each kid to have 2-3 from the box. It might be over a period of time.. a few weeks maybe. If one kid eats half the box by sneaking them off... then it's unfair to the other kids to say "well, we can't buy ANY treats because one kid can't control himself & feels entitled to take things without asking." And to say 'only buy one as needed' is ridiculous. A single serving pack of Twinkies is $1.00 and a box with 10 is $2.50-3.00. The whole household shouldn't have to change for ONE child's behavior.

PO1, you raised ONE child. It's very easy to take ONE child out for an ice cream cone occasionally. When you have 3-4 kids, taking everyone out for an ice cream cone can be very expensive... two or three times the cost of a box of ice cream. (or more) It's very nice that YOUR ONE DD didn't develop a taste for junk, but I had a houseful of kids and EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT. I had one child that would sneak food but would it be fair to the other five kids to not buy things because one sneaks it? What I did was to keep the treats put away, but that doesn't mean a kid won't be determined to find it.

I don't think there is any true solution because, the lying & sneaking is a symptom of bigger issues. counseling might help if they want to change... but if they don't, it won't do much good.

If you remove the junk food from the house, they will find other ways to act out.... he already is by lying about school work, etc. Eventually, it could be getting in trouble at school & then with the law. I would explore what he is feeling... about his mother & about the new baby you're expecting (if this is more recently) but he sounds a lot like my SD, who is craving attention and feels abandoned by her mother. My SD isn't willing to acknowledge the problem but perhaps your SS is.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2011 at 7:57PM
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I have a taste for junk. I overindulge constantly which is why I feel fat most days. I know I shouldn't and I am an ADULT and I still can't control myself much less expect my child to do so. It's so unreasonable like imma said to have 3-4 kids and expect that they will never be tempted to have sweets Or to keep them from it 100% of the time especially since we have two households eating different things.

Incognitos point is that they eat it in moderation and ss is sneaking it. If say she started from birth never introducing snacks to ss he wouldn't be familiar with it but she didnt have control at birth so really PO1 what you are suggesting is that if incognito had done things 'right' she wouldn't be where she is today with ss. Maybe You are right about that but it's very difficult to go back now and change ss's past of being introduced into junk food when she didn't have control from the start. and seriously... This is like throwing stones at her for even considering allowing her kids a snack..

I do think you need to be food patrol incognito.. Unfortunately. I am food patrol although I seriously need someone to patrol me at times. I simply do not buy things that I will want because I have my own issues with food but like today, DH begged me to let him go to the store for me bc I had so much to do and it was the one thing he felt he could do to help... I really didn't want him to because the man is blessed with a large tummy to hold and no hips to show... So he buys whatever else is on 'his ' list plus what I sent him for. He came home with Oreos and oatmeal creme pies. My kids have no clue that they are in there and they won't realize where they came from when I do let them have 1 at a time. Or else they will climb on the cabinets to get them down.... Or beg until I can't stand myself ... They love that stuff... So do I. And I can't change back the clock and forget that I ever had one or twelve million in my life..

    Bookmark   April 10, 2011 at 2:04AM
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Ima I was raised in a household of 2 kids, and no we did not eat junk, except on occasion. My cousin has triplets, no they do not eat junk. My brother has 2 and no they do not eat junk. Yes i raised ONE but there were times when i could not afford to buy ice cream at all, not even for one child, how do you know what I could afford?

This is nothing to do with number of kids one has, this is a faulty logic.

I am not saying incognito does things right or wrong. And exploring the reasons behind SS's sneakiness is important. She asked for advice, I think one of the steps she could try is not to buy junk and see what's happening. Then sure kid might need therapy and other things but it was already advised. I have my own suggestion, if she does not like my advice, she wouldn't follow. Not a big deal. If people think buying junk is important, fine, we don't have to agree.

Twinkies? They are like the worst food out there, not good for you at all, not even one, not even because of amount of calories, they are full of chemicals, they have like expiration time of 5 years, I don't care what they cost.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2011 at 7:30AM
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I am going to play food patrol for a while for ss and see if that helps. DH went from being mad about ss sneaking food to not being able to control it and today he says "well he is not a fat kid so what does it matter?" I wanted to scream!! SS keeps sneaking food when we have talked to him about it and now we should just give up and let him do what he wants? Ugghh!

DH hates the idea of me locking up snacks. We have tried hiding it in kitchen cabinets and in the pantry behind regular food, but he manages to find it because he looks while we are sleeping and has the time to look! So we have a little bin that I told dh I am going to put all the snacks in and hide them in our room. Then he would have to come in our room while we are sleeping to get them and I don't think he would do that.

I also told dh I think we should cut him off from any junk food for a while. No more snacks in his more dessert. When he complains that everyone else is getting snacks and desserts we will just point out that he has had more than his fair share when he snuck them so he does not need any more.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2011 at 7:17PM
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tell us how it goes..

I don't think he needs to be the only one cut from junk though, it just going to make him resentful and even more sneaky. I would make everyone have the same snack/desert such as an apple, grapes (whatever everyone likes). I would not tell him that he is cut off junk as punishment but rather because it is unhealthy and is going to cause him health issues in the future.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2011 at 10:38PM
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I disagree with PO1, yes you should explain that junk is unhealthy and that is why there is a limit but I think he should know that you dont get x because you did y.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2011 at 3:35PM
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I've been reading this but hadn't posting because I don't really have any advice to offer (having our own unresolved behavioral issues).

We found out last year that SS's teacher (in complete disregard of published school rules) was rewarding the class with candy if they'd behaved decently. We were not happy. I have no idea why the kids weren't just expected to behave in school (this was second grade at that time) or why the teacher felt bribery was in order for what should just be a normal requirement, but that's what she did. We briefly talked about asking her to not give SS candy, but that didn't seem fair because he's always been well-behaved in school, so not only would he have been singled out but he'd miss out as well. The problem, of course, is that the teacher instilled the belief that sweets are a reward for doing something that they should have already been doing anyway.

To compound the problem, DH was rewarding SS with dessert (pudding or applesauce) but only if he ate his dinner - normal enough, but over my protestations because I could see the writing on the wall on this one. DH kept saying that it was fine because SS was so thin (he still is) - I kept saying very bad idea because he especially needs healthy food and not empty calories. And that's where we are - now SS expects sweets at both lunchtime and dinner, and feels cheated if he doesn't get them. He's not yet been sneaking them (he did once, two years ago) but I wouldn't be surprised if it comes to that - because he's now becoming accustomed to getting at least one sweet on a daily basis. If/when that time comes, I'm putting my foot down and completely banning all sweets from this house until we're all sugar-detoxed!

It's appalling to me. When SS hardly ever normally was given sweets, he'd hardly ever choose to eat them - we'd always end up throwing out candy from Halloween and Easter. But after his school, of all places, acted like it was normal to eat candy every day, SS has not surprisingly been asking for a lot more sugar products. And we wonder why kids are obese and diabetic at age six now....

    Bookmark   April 11, 2011 at 3:38PM
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Mattie, compromise with Dad. After your evening meal serve Jell-O sugar free Jello (variety like black cherry, orange, strawberry are DD's favs) and Jello-O fat free/sugar free pudding (DD likes banana and lemon). You can get these individual packages ready to eat or buy a box and make yourself. I usually make it but have purchased the ready made for packaged lunch when DD asks for Jell-O for lunch at school (stick an icepack in lunch bag)

Dad will think he it's a fair offer, SS will not know the difference and you will serve knowing if SS must get this this is the one he's getting. You might also fit a bowl of sliced strawberries (add a few blueberries even) or bananas with 'cutie' orange slices in once in a while. It's another way to offer 'sweet' without encouraging the thought that 'sweet' is junk.

As far as school. Teacher really should be asking first. We have a form at beginning of school year that we fill out. One question on it is 'can your children recieve awards such as candy, gum ect'. Followed by any restrictions. DD back in 1st grade had a teacher that awarded these treats weekly which I found excessive. Last year and this year these 'awards' have been given only at end of 9 weeks. They've gotten more creative and local businesses kick in too. Example: kids can get a one night 'pass' on homework, they can pick a coupon for a free 6" pizza with up to two toppings at a certain local pizza place, and coupons for free children's admission to a couple local things like the zoo.

The businesses kick these in because the thought for them is when kid comes place will get parents eating too or paying adult admissions (kids can't come alone after all).

Yeah, I'm not much on the idea of bribbing the kids at school to do what they are suppose to be doing anyway, but don't want DD singled out as the one who can't partake what the other kids get. Usually it was just a piece of hard candy like individual wrapped life savers.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2011 at 5:04PM
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mattie we have a teacher who rewards high school students with candy, I think it is just crazy. In your situation I would contact a principal and ask that no children in the classroom are rewarded with candies, then SS wouldn't be singled out.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2011 at 6:13PM
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Thanks, justmetoo! That's a good idea; spring is coming, there'll be more fresh fruit, and we can turn dessert into something more nutritious.

Teacher this year does not reward kids with candy (different school). Kids now are expected to follow basic rules just because they are the rules, but they also get points for going above and beyond, then the points can be used at the school "store" to buy things like books, pencils, or water bottles.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2011 at 9:33AM
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Well it has been almost a week of me taking all snacks into our room at night as well as taking all handheld video games into our room. SS did decide to start waking up and sneaking the video game system attached to the tv. He did that Monday night and Tuesday morning he woke up for school crying his eyes hurt and he had a headache. When we realized that he had been up playing video games in the middle of the night (DS pointed out that the controls were off the charger and there was ss's fave game in the system and the system was still on) we made ss go to school anyways. He cried and complained that he was sick but we did not listen to him.

Then mid day the nurse called and he had a 101 temp and had to come home. We took him to the dr and it is just a virus. DH felt bad that we ignored ss's requests to stay home because he was sick. I said we should not feel bad, this is what happens when someone lies all the time---nobody believes them! He did not have a fever in the morning when he left and he may have been feeling badly. But if he had not snuck video games in the middle of the night we would have believed he was sick.

DH did not like the idea of cutting ss off from all desserts. I gave up on arguing. There have been no issues with middle of the night snacks because ss can not get to the junk. And he must not really be hungry because I have not noticed any fruit or other food that he can get to easily disappearing.

DH now thinks we should feed ss something at 9pm to make sure he is full before he goes to bed. I said we eat dinner at 5 and usually around 7ish or so the kids have a dessert or snack. I think eating right before you lay down is kinda bad for you. And I pointed out that ss has stopped being "hungry" in the middle of the night now that there is no junk to eat.

I feel like I am always the bad guy. But I swear if I did not put my 2cents in dh would turn the kids into monsters!

    Bookmark   April 16, 2011 at 10:59AM
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Your DH sounds like mine... and I think they are just afraid to make a mistake, be the bad guy or they just want peace & for the kids to be 'happy', so they give in. (I think sometimes they might feel guilty because guys tend to work more & spend less time with kids so they want the time they spend with the kids to be pleasant & happy, not battling with discipline)

    Bookmark   April 16, 2011 at 3:35PM
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