Adult SD and Facebook

LongTimeStepApril 22, 2013

My adult stepdaughter while having accepted her parents will never get back together (over 25 years ago), has always acted ashamed of having divorced parents. Growing up she never talked about having divorced family, and most of her friends didn't even know i existed. SD has always wanted a nuclear family. She knows her parents aren't meant to be together, but she's very religious and ashamed not to have grown up in an intact family. Whenever i talk about my marriage to her dad, she never comments and will quickly try to change the subject. SD has made it clear that she believes in 1 marriage "til death do us part". She is now married and a mother herself. On her Facebook, i see how she posts a lot about marriage and divorce. I really don't know if its targeted at her parents or me, or about her hope that her marriage will be til death do us part. Maybe she's scared she could end up divorced too. Some of the things she's posted have been sharing an article about how country singer Miranda Lambert made a statement "divorce is not an option", and then sharing some quotes from other pages one of which said "i want my first marriage to be my only marriage" and "the most romantic love story isn't romeo and juliet who died together, but grandma and grandpa who grew old togehter". Should I take these things personally? I'm a bit embarrassed by it, cause all of DH's family and even my family are on her facebook and can see how she truly feels about marriage so they must know that SD has no respect for second marriages, including DH and mine. I never comment on what she posts, as i really don't want to start an argument with her. We already have a strained relationship. We live in the same town, but i only see her a few times a year. She's pretty clear that she doesn't want a relationship with me. She never has wanted one.

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colleenoz

I would ignore it. Confronting her wouldn't change anything, and at least this way everyone can see where your SD is coming from in terms of your strained relationship, and know it's not you.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2013 at 12:13AM
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imamommy

I'm a conservative & a very liberal friend frequently posts things that... well, they are stupid & sometimes downright ignorant so I clicked on "Only show important messages" and listed her as an acquaintance so most of her gibberish doesn't post to my wall to irritate me. I also post any of my political opinions to "friends except acquaintances" so she doesn't see them. If you practice with the privacy settings, you might be able to block/hide the posts that bother you.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2013 at 2:44AM
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sylviatexas1

or you could post
"I feel the same way, want/hope/intend for my marriage to your daddy to last forever".

Your stepdaughter's stance reminds me of my cousin.

She was married once, a long time ago, tragically lost her only baby (stillborn), & I think it sent her into a tailspin of depression & obsession.

Her husband left her & married someone else.

It's been over 30 years, & she still talks about 'my husband' & insists that they're still married & will be together in heaven.

I have no idea what address in heaven the 2nd wife & the children, & now probably grandchildren, will inhabit.

There's no rational discussion with someone who insists on maintaining an irrational stance;
not only do you stress yourself out,
you back the other person into a position of having to defend her argument, *which reinforces her belief in the argument*.

In other words, confronting the problem makes it worse.

However, not confronting it doesn't mean that you have to bite your tongue to keep from expressing your own viewpoint.

Hence, "married to your daddy forever".

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2013 at 4:20PM
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LongTimeStep

Forgot to mention, that SD has me blocked from her facebook. She refuses to accept me as her "friend" (yet she'll be friends with all my family and for some reason my family adores her) and after i friended her she blocked me. I see her posts through using my husband's facebook account. DH won't respond to her posts and thinks its best to ignore them. I agree with ignoring it, but doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. I just have to come to terms with the fact that even though i've been a stepmom for decades, SD will never want a relationship with me. You can't force a relationship on someone who doesn't want one. Both people have to want the relationship for it to work, it can't be one sided of one person trying and the other person not caring at all. If one wants the relationship and the other doesn't, there's no way to make that relationship work. Its just hard to feel like absolutely nothing to SD and to know she only tolerates me, and if DH should die before me, we'll have nothing to do with eachother ever again as if all those years as my husband's wife meant absolutely nothing to her. But again I can't force it if she isn't receptive to it. But then i see pictures (through DH's facebook) of her doing tons of stuff with her mom and inlaws, going on vacation with them, both biograndmas being very involved and it does make me sad. And it makes me sick that SD posts about how important family is. I guess only family that is important to her is her mom and inlaws. DH and I are the family that are only tolerated and we'll always be the third wheel cause SD's mom and inlaws always come first.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2013 at 6:35PM
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sylviatexas1

LTS, I think your husband is right.

Get out of that facebook thing & do something fun.

& remind yourself, as often as it takes, that you aren't the only person who's had something like this in her life.

The world is full of people who don't see anything but themselves.
edited for clarity:
such as this young woman who is obsessed with her (very old) hurt.

I just read something (may have been on facebook!) that struck a chord, something to the effect that:
People either fill you up or drain you dry, & you can choose to be with the ones who fill you up & you can decline to get tangled up with the ones who drain you dry.

I wish you the best.

This post was edited by sylviatexas on Thu, Apr 25, 13 at 15:40

    Bookmark   April 24, 2013 at 4:45PM
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