Step Daughter is moving back in

kelstartammyApril 24, 2012

My 19 year old step daughter is moving back into our home. She has no job and at this point no intention of going to school. I have had difficulties with her in the past and now I am dreading her coming back home. What are some acceptable guidelines that would be reasonable to set for her while living in our home. Please let me know what you think.

This is what I have so far�

At our home if you are not going in school you will have chores to do to pay for rent. (if you are going to school we will help pay for your school if you are passing all your classes with at least a 2.0 gpa)

Curfew will be at midnight every day of the week (please call us before 11pm to let us know if you will not be coming home for the evening).

No one at our house unless one of us are home.

No over night guests without talking to us first.

No drugs or alcohol

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mkroopy

Yikes..every parent's (or step parent's) nightmare. In general you are headed in the right direction, just a few comments:

- 2.0 is a pretty low bar to insist on...that's barely passing.

- She's 19 I'd skip the curfew part....you don't need to run her life. I agree with the part about calling or txting if she is not coming home, but she probably won't really abide by that rule, her little way of sticking her independence (or what little she thinks she has, while living at home) in your face.

- the last three are obvious...

I would think that I would need to see a "plan", or a time frame or something, just to know that she is not looking at this as something that is going to go on for many months or years. And I am sorry, a 19 year old that is not in school, there is no excuse for not working. If she doesnt have a job, she should be spending 8 hours a day LOOKING for work...that should be her job.

Don't make it easy for her, you won't be able to get rid of her....this should be an arrangement she cannot wait to get out of.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2012 at 3:55PM
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kelstartammy

I agree with everything you have said. The reason I put in the curfew is because we are a working family (with a 14 year old still at home). If she wants to stay up and out all night then that is her choice. I just don't want her to come in all houes of the night and disturb our household. That's why I figure if she is not home by midnight then she should just stay where ever she is at for the night

    Bookmark   April 24, 2012 at 4:46PM
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imamommy

The most important aspect of ANY rules, is that your husband agrees and will enforce them... without you having to tell him. (cause if you have to tell/remind him, it will make things more stressful for you)

    Bookmark   April 24, 2012 at 6:50PM
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kelstartammy

You are absolutely correect! I have talked to him and he told me that what I am asking is reasonible. But if he doesn't follow through than she will just end up running all over us

    Bookmark   April 24, 2012 at 7:13PM
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justmetoo

I would have a outline of an expected 'chore' list whether the SD is working and/or going to school. I feel it's important to have a member of the household participate as an actual member of a household. Including routine expectaions of self responsibilities. I believe it is important to the overall well being of a home...that and I'm nobody's maid or servant. Picking up and cleaning up after herself should not have to be discussed, but if the SD is use to allowing others do it for her, it's best to include even the simple basic examples in 'rules' too.

After Dad and you pre-discuss and agree to what the rules and expectaions are, I'd let Dad sit down with her and lay it out. I believe he being the presenter and basically drawing up a verbal agreement between his daughter and himself is the first step in his showing he is in agreement (its not just your rules, these are his rules/expectations)and intends the rules/expectations to be followed. As stated above, if Dad is not with you on this by showing he has made these decisions and does indeed expect the moving in conditions to be followed, you'll have a battle of the adult child running loose and defient...if it does not come from Dad, you'll be the witch and it will be endless fights/anger/resentment.

I also believe even if SD is going to school she can still be attempting to work parttime. It's all a part of living in the adult world. If she wants to be treated as an adult, she needs to realize that nobody gets a free ride, that adults have responsibilities and expectations. She's not a child anymore and if she's old enough to come and go as she pleases, she's old enough to realize she can not treat your home as her due right such as a carefree child might.

The goal has to be to get her up and out all the while still providing her a safe shelter and guidance into what is rapidly becoming a self efficient functional adult.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2012 at 7:45AM
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shakti2574

It is not about how she would live in your home, but it should be about her plan of exiting your home. Have her write a business plan on how to move out in 6 to 12 months.

1. how often she needs to find a job
2. once having a job, how much or percentage of her take home needs to go to a savings account so that she can begin to move out.
3. How long are you going to help her, car insurance, car payment, phone ....

The objective is not to make her fully compliant with hour hh's rules but to make her becoming an independent adult. Think of things that you have to worry about as an adult (rent, savings, insurance, clothing, entertainment, rainy days funds) and teach her how to deal with those.

Have a sitting down discussion with her & her father with issues like those above written down, so that she can :

1. see that living w you and her dad is only a temporary solution while she is getting on her feet. She needs to estblish an END date which she will be on her own.

3. understand that she needs to develop certain habits or practices like a normal adult would (find a job, save enough for the rainy days, down payment later for a new car, a home)

4. Respect your HH's way of life. You are not here to pick up after her anymore.

give her 4 to 5 months to find a job, and then begin to charge fair rent (the money which could be given back to her once she moves out).

    Bookmark   May 5, 2012 at 8:04AM
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catlettuce

Shakti gives excellent advice. Hopefully your DH agrees with some sort of exit plan and you present a united front from the start-Otherwise be forewarned: That was the plan when in a similar situation however DH would not put any conditions on adult skids moving in and it turned into an almost 9 year nightmare.

Have a good back-up plan and $$ for yourself in case you need to bail. And stock up on the xanax (JK-not really)

~Cat

    Bookmark   May 6, 2012 at 10:47PM
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imamommy

Xanax & Zoloft! Funny Cat, true but funny.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2012 at 7:32AM
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catlettuce

Yea Ima, I'm there with you. New drama has recently cropped up
And I am not digging it. I'll have to post a new thread as I feel I need advice here.
Cat

    Bookmark   May 10, 2012 at 11:16AM
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emma

I agree with coming in late. It happened with one of my sons. They come in late, raid the fridge, watch TV, etc. at one or two in th morning. Or worse yet going out and no way to get home, buses stop running, so we get out of bed and go get them. I also think the job and saving for an apartment is very important. I would never charge my family rent, unless they were blowing their money with no plans to get out.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2012 at 7:26PM
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