Graduation

ilymgApril 20, 2010

I need some advice....My fiancee and I have been together for 6 years, his 17 year old son is graduating from High School in another state. At first, we were both planning on attending together. My fiancee now feels his son should have one of his grandparents at the graduation and we know the grandfather cannot make it because he is out of the country. That leaves my fiancees mother to attend, and we do not get along. Should I step back (as I normally would) and agree to his mother go or should I stand my ground and attend this function with my partner? I always back away and let "their" family enjoy one another, but am I always supposed to do that and not be a part of anything? His son and I get along very well.

Any words of wisdom is greatly appreciated...

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silversword

What does the kid think?

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 2:37PM
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ilymg

He doesn't know any of these things are waving around. I think he thinks his father and I will be going.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 2:48PM
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justmetoo

Do the travel plans require all of you must make the trip together? Or is the plan to travel together, share room whatever?

I think some of that would impact how I felt about it. Can Gma make the trip (and cost) on her own?

Personally, I'd pay for Gma to fly, rent her a vehicle while there and a nice motel room and end up seeing very little of her except for the actual event..unless the situation really is a 'she goes or I go' thing..if so, and fiancee asked me to stay home, I would.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 2:58PM
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ilymg

If "we" went, it is together. Same flight, same room, etc. She is 81 and does not drive. But we can't stand the sight of one another. So, I think I am willing to step back, once again, but really, how long am I supposed to keep doing that?

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 3:03PM
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silversword

Hmmm... 81. I'd say a maximum of 10 years :)

let Grandma go...Plenty of occasions she will likely miss due to age, deteriorating health.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 3:11PM
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nivea

"If "we" went, it is together. Same flight, same room, etc. She is 81 and does not drive. But we can't stand the sight of one another. So, I think I am willing to step back, once again, but really, how long am I supposed to keep doing that?"

Forever, lol. I think everyone in a family (not just a stepfamily) has to step back at times. You don't say how yours and future MIL's relationship got to this point, but it doesn't really matter, I suppose. If you both got along, you'd both get to go.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 3:58PM
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ilymg

True. But we don't get along and that isn't going to mend anytime soon. Thanks for the advice...

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 4:23PM
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finedreams

if you cannot go together (why don't you get along enough to be in the same room for a day?), then she gets to go, she is family. let her go.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 4:59PM
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ilymg

It won't be just for one day. It will be for 4 days. On a plane, in a hotel room, in a car, etc.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 5:02PM
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sylviatexas1

She's 81.

She's his grandmother.

The graduating senior's father (doesn't matter if he's your fiance or boyfriend or live-in, he's the graduate's *father*) wants her to attend.

no way can you push your way into this scene & ever ever ever have the bad marks wash off.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 8:40PM
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sylviatexas1

I forgot to say that, as a decent human being, you can expect to respect your partner's family ties, family obligations, & sense of propriety for the rest of his or your life.

Since it seems that this should be an obvious & mutual expectation (he should respect your family ties/obligations, etc too), I wonder why you're getting bent out of shape over his kid's graduation.

If you want him to pick you instead of the grandmother to elevate your status or importance or to reassure you that you're still the primo gal, then you need to peer long & hard at the relationship that has reduced you to this.

Maybe your heart knows that 6 years is too long to be with a "fiance".

Moving on is difficult, but not as difficult as competing with family, friends, work, etc for the next 30 years or so.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 8:48PM
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finedreams

no matter a day or 4. you cannot get along with her, you don't get to go. you aren't family, she is.

in ideal world you both could go, but in your situation she goes, you are not.

you have an option of learning to get along with his family, if it is not possible then what do you suggest? you suggest that child's grandmother does not attend and dad's GF (you) attends instead? seriously?

there are no rules that dad's or mom's significant others have to attend graduations.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2010 at 10:28PM
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