speechless . . . but not surprised
Just when things seem so 'normal'. . . sorry, this one could get long.
SD14 confided in me a week ago that her mom and SF were going to divorce, though this is not the first time we've heard that. BM told SD she planned to move about an hour away and would only see SD EOW Friday thru Sunday rather then the EOW Thursday-Monday AM. SD was pleased with this as she had been asking to have visitation reduced to that for high school anyway. As I've wrote about she's really been seeing and understanding her mom's true colors for the last year or so.
Fast forward a week to last night, when she tells us she needs to move with her "mommy" because she needs to help her and wants to be there for her. DH and I had a long talk explaining that she can't be the one responsibile for mom's happiness and that she needs to worry about herself, not mom. Mom got herself into this mess, marrying and having a baby with a guy she met online and knew for 9 months. SD didn't need to carry the burden of her mom's choices.
As a little back story, BM is the need-a-man-to-be-happy type. When she didn't have one, she needed SD. It would be "just you and be against the world, baby" and then "you need to respect (insert man here) because he is my partner." SD had many insecurities based around this all or nothing type of parenting. SD is very empathetic and easy guilted, for lack of a better word. When mom turns on the 'poor me, I need you and your baby sister needs you" charm, and she does this after every break up, SD feels she needs to save mom (and now sis) and be there to care for them. Now, in the course of a week, she tells us BM has changed all her selfish ways and is a new, better person that she wants to live with.
WELL OF COURSE SHE HAS CHANGED!! She's starting kissing up to SD - letting her do what she wants, have her boyfriend over until 9:30 at night, not siding with her husband but rather trashing on him to SD . . . SD feels like her new BFF now. BM is the same self centered, calculating person who knows that if she gives SD all she wants right now and lays on the guilt she will have a built in babysitter and child support when/if SD moves to be with her. We know her. This is what she does every break up . . . and when SD is being rational, she knows it too. Last night when we asked for reasons/facts as to why the move would be better for her she had few - just an immature "I want to be with my mommy" and "My sissy needs me." It was truly like talking to a petulant 4 year old.
So I don't know what to do at all. DH is confident once SD starts thinking with a level head again this will all blow over. I'm not so sure. BM is already 'buying' and 'guilting' her way to what she wants, and SD has always been strongly influenced by this. I don't see BM lightening up the full court press, and I don't have it in me to go through this again - the phase where we are the bad guys for enforcing rules, grades, etc. while mom runs around like her BFF once again - 'The Girls' against the world in one big fest of fun. DH and I know the fun won't last and we remember what happens to SD each time the party ends and real life sets in, but SD isn't seeing that right now. She isn't seeing much of anything past her own nose right now . . . kinda like her mom.
I'm sad, scared, hurt . . . don't know what to do. Just want to sit and cry. I was really enjoying how'nornal' our lives had become. I guess the only constant around here is change.