Help please! Boyfriend, kids & ex are driving me nuts!

goinnuts798April 2, 2009

Ok, maybe I already know the answer to the question Im going to ask & this is going to be kinda long but I dont have anyone else to ask that is not biased. I have a 10 year old son & My live in boyfriend (we have been together for 1 & 1/2 yrs) has 2 girls ages 13 & 9 & 1 boy age 8. Lately my problems seem to be increasing. He feels that it should be ok for him to treat his kids who live with their mother different/better than my son who lives with us because he doesnt get to see them except every other weekend & on holidays. For example. His 9 yr old drew on the recliner with an ink pen. He then blamed my son until she admitted to it. The next day she poured half of my laundry detergent out & admitted to it & all he did was tell her she shouldnt have done that. My son bumped my bf foot while he was taking a nap & my bf made him go out into the yard & pick up limbs for 2 hours. Also, I broke my arm 1 & 1/2 wks ago, well his 13 yr old daughter had planned a party at our house that weekend inviting about 15 kids. I asked him to have her reschedule the party due to the fact that I could not help with it & didnt feel like dealing with it with a broke arm. He refused, called me selfish & went on with the party & then she even refused to help him clean up after it & he did NOTHING! He talks bad about my son, picks on him constantly yet my son(who doesnt have a dad) says he loves him & just takes it. IVE HAD IT! I hate to leave because I keep thinking it will get better & I hate to make my son move again. But Things cant continue & the bf gets defensive when I try to talk to him about it. OH & his exwife calls or texts him EVERY day! Then she also tells the kids that if it werent for me they could be a family again ( even though she is the one who left him & they were divorced for 6 mos. before we started dating)& she calls me names in front of them. Can you say childish! Anyway,any suggestions on how to make him see the light & become a true couple would be appreciated

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There are none so blind as those who will not see...
Will being the operative word.

It's understandable that he doesn't want to spend his little time with his kids disciplining them --
but that's not in their best interests either,
and it's very unfair to your son.

To see if he's even interested in being reasonable, I'd propose that the two of you work together to develop a set of rules and consequences for *all* the children. (Don't you just do it, because then he'll nitpick them and say he disagrees when it's time to enforce one of them 'against' his own kids.) But try to develop a list that's mostly his ideas and insist that they be applied evenly.

While it's unlikely to solve the problem, it might help some.
And if he refuses to do it at all, then IMO, you have a very clear signal that he has two very different standards of 'fair',
and if that's the case, you owe it to your child to intercede.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 2:09PM
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since you aren't married it shouldn't be too difficult for you to leave. your son doesn't need this. find a new place and move out.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 2:39PM
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I think that bumping your bf's foot did not require 2 hours of yard work. Sounds extreme to me.

I like Sweeby's ideas of rules/consequences for all the kids. If bf does not agree to that then I would let him know that you need to be the one to discipline or scold your son....just like he is the only one to do so with his kids.

He can not hold your son to one set of expectations and his kids to another. Its unfair and will make your son very resentful and unhappy.

I also think daily texting with his ex is unnecessary. Have you read these text messages?

In this type of situation I don't know if things can be fixed. If you can not change these behviors then for your sons sake it is time to leave.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 2:56PM
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Do you think he might be trying to make you mad enough to leave. If he can dump on you and your son and your still his bed mate then what does he have to worry about. If he is still keeping so cozy with the Ex maybe he has unfinished business with her. You have been living with him that long. Why not be married to him yourself? I get the feeling your not apprecated like you should be. Giving your son a bad dad may not be better then no dad. Moving again might not be so bad of an idea. Why is he dishing out punishment for your son and you don't get a say so on his daughter drawing on your things? As for the party if he had to clean up the mess all by himself thats what he gets for not following your wishes. I hope you had a BIG FAT "I TOLD YOU SO"!! Your teaching your son to be a door mat. It isn't okay for your BF to treat not only you but your son this way. Find you and your son a nice place to live and worry about keeping the two of you happy. If Mr wonderful comes along and treats you and your son good then proceed. Moving from one BF to the next is wrong for both of you. Listen to The dad he didn't have to be like 20 times a day. If you don't find that kind of man stay home.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 2:58PM
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Run - do not walk to the nearest exit.

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect your child. You & your son will ALWAYS be 4 & 5th on his list of priorites.

Dump him and move on. That's really the only solution.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 4:28PM
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I agree with Nikemama, it sounds to me like he is making it extremely clear that you and your son get no respect from him.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 7:47PM
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How can you love a guy like that, knowing he mistreats your son. Your son is your son for life, he is a boyfriend who may be gone in 6 months.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 8:52PM
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You know the answer. Just another non bias person to tell you that you and your son deserve better. Bumping into a persons foot does not equal 2 hours of yard work. Sorry...very abusive.
I'm married and tell off my husband if he is too harsh on our son versus his other son from his previous marriage. I understand the guilt because they only get them eow and holidays, so they do not want to punish them in any way because they want them to have 'fun' know the disney dad...but hey...i call it like it is. And i defended our boy and ripped a hole into him pretty quick.
Is it your house or yoru bf's you are in. Cause if its yours, pack his stuff, change the locks. I know your son likes himand wants him and takes it...but you know better. You are his mother. Your bf is treating your son like doodoo....take him out!

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 1:36PM
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