Well SD13 was supposed to be with us for Spring Break this year but last weekend, she asked daddy if she can spend it at her mom's. He asked me, I told him he's the parent... do what you want, I don't care. So, grandma came to pick her up and she was gone all week. So, I had a really good week... it's amazing how calm & relaxing it is when she is not here.
However, I've been bending over backwards to accommodate my DIL and son in regard to DGS3. I've been raising him since he was 9 months old & since my son has been back, he's decided he wants to reconcile with her.
Here's a quick background:
They have always had a tomultuous relationship. She grew up in a horrible situation. Born to a prostitute & pimp, she spent the first 7 years in foster care. She was adopted by a cold woman when she was 7 & her adopted parents split up almost immediately after adopting her. Her adoptive mom married & had another daughter so she was treated "different" and there were behavioral problems that the adoptive parents tried to solve by sending her to rehab/camps for troubled kids... where she met lots of other troubled kids to commiserate with. There have been allegations of sexual/physical abuse by her adoptive & step dad. She has absolutely no contact with her adoptive dad who had bought her a car & was paying the rent on her apartment when my son met her. She's never really had a family (or mom) and really doesn't know how it all works. My son spent his childhood shuffled between two homes and he recently told me that he didn't feel like he didn't have a "real" family.
Well, two months or so after he met her.. she had broken up with him (it was on again~off again the whole time) but he somehow talked her into driving up to Reno at 2am and they got married. I was told by phone the next day. Aboug a month later, I was told that 1. he had joined the Army the day before.. 2. that his wife was pregnant. I was so upset knowing he would be gone for a good part of his baby's first few years. (because I figured he would be deployed with everything that was going on) So, that happened, he got deployed... she partied & neglected the baby & I ended up with legal guardianship. He's back & he isn't stepping up.. he's more concerned in trying to fix his relationship with her. The last three weeks, she has come up to see him & seeing the baby has been like an afterthought. She actually went home last weekend without seeing the baby because they had a fight. The last few weeks, they break up on Sunday, make up on Thursday. I've been irritated & told them if they don't figure out what they are going to do, they'll never get their son back. Personally, I don't think DIL wants to be a full time mom & DS expects her to. My job is trying to protect DGS from the mess they've made.
Anyway, I decided to host an egg hunt Saturday. I invited several kids from his daycare & we had a nice turn out... about a dozen kids came. Since DIL had asked to have DGS on Easter morning because her grandparents (she lives with them) wanted to take him to church, so I said that was fine & thought it would be nice to invite her to the egg hunt so she can be more invovled with him. I was surprised when my son & DIL arrived at the same time since my son had left town the day before, he said he was going to see his dad's family so I didn't think he would be there. Anyway, that was fine. The day went well.... kids had lots of fun and everyone getting along.
Then my daughter brought out the cake pops. Every once in a while, I buy DGS a cake pop at Starbucks and he loves them. I saw some cute ones online and decided to make them for the party.. they were little chicks. After everyone had eaten, I asked my daughter to hand out the cake pops. I didn't realize DIL told DD not to give DGS one because she thought he ate too much candy from the candy eggs. When I heard my daughter tell him he can't have one, I told her to go ahead & give him one. All his friends had one. Well, DIL saw him eating it and literally shrieked "DID SHE JUST GIVE HIM ONE AFTER I TOLD HER NOT TO?????" and I turned around & told her that I said it was okay. Then she started yelling at my DD and saying "I'M NOT GOING TO LET MY CHILD GET CHILDHOOD DIABETES... I SAID NOOOOO!!!!" and my son pulled her back & told her to calm down. She turned and ran off to her car & my son told me that DD had no right to disobey them, they are the parents... that she undermined their authority. I told him if anyone undermined them, it was ME and we can talk about it later... one bite of cake pop is not going to cause childhood diabetes & that she is overreacting. He went to talk to her... she was literally crying hysterically. I was embarrassed because these kids & their parents have been to several parties at my house.
So, now I'm torn. I want to be able to include DS & DIL in things to do with DGS... I have some hope that they will figure out their relationship (whether they make it work or decide to be apart) but I have some hope that I am not going to raise their child into adulthood. It's devestating to me that my own child is not stepping up to take care of his child. I get it that she had a screwed up childhood & may never be a parent but it's harder to accept my own son caring more about his relationship to his wife than his own son. But, I'm torn between not inviting them to future events or taking the chance that there is going to be these kinds of outbursts. I don't want to deny DGS from having them there because I can tell he likes them to be there but thre really is no way to control how they will behave. I'm not even sure THEY can control themselves. And then, if they are there... do they become the decision making parents & I am just grandma that has no say?
What would you do?