Sneaking, Lies, & Rebellion
As I said in other threads, SD is failing school. She has been tested & they won't re-test her this year so they put her in a class of "low achievers" and it's designed to hold their hand through each assignment so they 'get it', do the work & turn it in. Don't ask me how SD is actually starting to fail in this class.... it's like she has to TRY to fail. She is offered extra credit but doesn't do it because it's not required.... so she settles for a D- that will be an F with one or two more low scores or a missing assignment. I'm at a loss of how it should be handled. Yes, my daughter struggled in school... but she STRUGGLED. She tried very hard & I worked with her a lot. SD doesn't try at all. I have tried to work with her but she argues that she knows how to do the assignment, then does it wrong & argues that she did what she was told to do. She waits until the last minute to start working on assignments & expects us to run to the store for supplies.. usually at bedtime the night before.
Recently, we found make up she sneaked from her mom's house in a hidden pocket in her backpack. She was told she is not allowed to wear make up... if her mom allows it at her house, that's her business but she cannot bring it into OUR house! The next day she went to BM's & came home last night with more make up hidden in a different pouch of her backpack. (Yes, we've resorted to search & seizure) She also had notes she wrote to a boy that would make a sailor blush. Of course, she got angry & demanded to know why we are getting into her stuff? DH said, "um, because you sneak things & lie to us".
Last week, she came home wearing a sun dress that her mom got her. She's been told a million times that she needs to wear the same clothes home, that she wore on Friday. Why? I know it's not a big deal to wear whatever clothes belong to her.. their her clothes, right? Well, BM lets her wear clothes DH has told her no, usually her teen sister's hand me downs that don't fit her. Besides that, if she doesn't get to wear them back it becomes a huge production & SD yells at us that "my mom wants her clothes back!" and "my mom's gonna get mad". and SD usually takes 'her moms' clothes & folds them neatly & puts them on her desk or dresser so she makes sure she takes them back to BM. DH has been taking them back to her when he goes to pick her up after the weekend. Finally, I told her that if she brings anything else from her mom's, I am going to toss it. She has been told for a long time & just ignores what we tell her. She took her PE clothes out at her mom's & they got lost. I had to go buy her new PE clothes on Thursday because BM kept promising to call the school & buy them but we all know she isn't going to do that & SD needed them. So, while she was gone over the weekend I did her laundry for her. Then I notice that she only has 3 shirts from all the clothes we've bought her this year. This morning, I ask her where her clothes are, she shrugs & says "I don't know"... kinda like "I don't care" and it irked me. DH wants me to go buy her more clothes. So, SD has been wearing a pair of shoes she brought from her mom's. (her favorite shoes) I ask her where the shoes are that we got her for school... another shrug & I don't know. So, I bought her new shoes for Christmas that she hasn't yet worn because she LOVES the shoes from her mom's. Not sure if it was the RIGHT way to handle it, but I took her prized shoes & told her that she can wear her other ones. She yelled "WHY?!" and I told her that when she folds up the clothes we buy & keeps them where she can make sure she brings them back so she has clothes to wear to school & when she starts to worry about whether WE are going to be upset about things the way she worries about her 'moms clothes', then it can be different. I'm not really happy that I need to go buy new clothes for her today. (well, even if DH goes to buy them.. it's an expense we just can't afford right now.)
Speaking of expense... SD gets in the car last night & tells DH that she hurt her tailbone Saturday playing on the trampoline at BM's. The trampoline is at the house BM moved out of over a month ago... but I guess BM still hasn't gotten everything moved out so they were over there & she let SD play on the trampoline. SD denies she fell or hit anything... "it just started hurting". She told BM, who did nothing... and now SD is asking DH to take her to the doctor. Ironically, BM was limping when we picked up SD & she tells DH she twisted her ankle and going to the ER to have it checked out. It's nice how she takes herself to the hospital but lets SD walk around in pain. When DH asked her about it, BM instructs him to go ahead & take her in for X rays if she still hurts in a couple of days. So, she doesn't mind her kid being in pain for several days and of course, she isn't offering to help pay any of the bills that will arise from taking SD to the doctor & getting X rays. On top of that, BM has a hearing today to see if she is in compliance with her seek work order. She asked DH if he was going to be at the hearing & he said no, he has to work. She tells him "well, they are lowering my child support." which is laughable since she hasn't paid a dime in over a year... can't get much lower than that. But, I also know the laws in California and DH has to be served with a motion for her to have it reduced, there has to be a hearing & he has a right to be at the hearing. She was just trying to rattle him, I think.
Anyway, this morning DH was driving SD to school and she laid into him about why he is not taking her side against me. He told her that she isn't following the rules, and he agrees with me. She started telling him how mad her grandma is going to be that I took her shoes because I guess BM's mom bought them. He told her he doesn't care if they get mad, she needs to follow the rules in our house! So, SD isn't going to get it. She's now talking back & rebelling. I know it's only going to get worse because we either stick to our guns or let the rules fly out the window. Sending her to live with her mom would be easiest for us, but not necessarily the best for SD. Of course, she is already doing whatever she wants... she's writing to two boys telling them she'll do anything for them. I just feel like it's a lost cause at this point. I told DH that he needs to tell BM that if she continues to undermine him/us, that she can have SD & deal with the mess she has created.