Hate is Such a mighty emotion

lastfridaynightApril 3, 2010

I am currently engaged to a man who has a 2 year old son that I absolutely USED to hate. I'm still working on getting to know him but I don't hate him anymore. You see, I'm more of a career oriented type of woman, never been motherly and never wanted children and have never been jealous of any man, woman or child in my life for anything I could obtain myself. It's not cockiness, more like confidence. So when, I become engaged to this guy and excepting "the whole package" I noticed a loathing feeling in the pit of my stomach when having to be around his son. But why? I'm not too fond of little kids but not in a way where I hate them, just annoyed by them when they're...you know, crying & stuff. So why the strong hate for this 2 year old? I have no idea but I know I had to get rid of these feelings asap. And I did. Constantly reminding myself all the good things about the little boy. And it worked! I don't have those feelings anymore. The reason why I'm posting is to determine the basis of this strong feeling of hate towards a freaking 2 year old, how freaking sick right? I know I'm somewhat of a self absorbed person, I'm too absorbed into my daily life to remember to do the smallest of tasks let alone using energy to project hate towards another person. I've never been like that so where did this come from? I see folks get attacked on here for voicing the negative feelings towards skids, but feelings can only be helped to an extent. It's like any other emotion, you just can't switch it off but you can controll it. This feeling snuck up on me and I want to know why did I loathe him so much. I don't feel jealousy towards the babymom in any way, I don't even want kids. I think they're a hastle but I totally would break up with my fiance if he neglected his son (I don't date irresponsible men). So wtf? Any real theories? (not advice)

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You are a controlled person.
Kids are completely uncontrolled.

You are out of your element, and there is nothing you can do about it.

With anything else in your life you can resolve the situation. Co-worker has a beautiful new car. You work harder, buy the car. No need for jealousy or hatred, you can find a way to get what you want.

This kid is going to thwart your every move. Not because he is a jerk or not yours, but because he's a kid.

My advice, even though you didn't ask for it, is to find something else in your life that you can't control and try to work through those feelings in that situation. You seem very intellectually intelligent. I'd work on my emotional intelligence. Because if you can't get past just "controlling" your hate, you should not be with this man. He deserves someone who will love and nurture and enjoy his child, especially since this baby is so little. Find someone more compatible.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2010 at 1:35PM
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My theory - the fact that you don't have a desire to have kids says everything.

First, your confusion lies in the fact that you can't possibly control a situation that you can't even comprehend. You are conflicted because you aren't one of those women who have the motherly need to have a child, so how could you possibly relate to an emotion that is completely out of your realm?

You are projecting your feelings onto this child.

Seeking "perfection" is a characteristic of a person who has a tendency to desire control over a situation (read my "in-laws post for a prime example).

Children, to you, are not "perfect" beings and can't be "controlled" by the standards in which you live your life, therefore, this child becomes the obstacle in your life. Parenting is difficult and challenging and requires patience and sacrifice and compromise, which goes well beyond your own needs, desire, or capacity to deal with a child.

So, I'm interpreting this as if you don't actually loathe the child, you loathe the responsibilities that come with it, and you loathe what this child represents in your life - lack of control.

That child will always be your spouses responsibility, and you can't control that. But, the fact that you wouldn't want to be with your fiancee if he didn't take on that responsibility, speaks volumes about your innermost needs.

Let me explain. Having children is not important to you, therefore, this child is of no value to you. On the flipside, you value that you are with someone who will be responsible enough to care for their own child, because that also projects onto your own feelings about how this person (your fiance) will value YOU. .....If he can neglect his own child, he may also neglect YOU eventually, therefore, you would feel as if you had no control over your future. You would not value being with someone like that, because that removes your control over that situation. People who like to be in control tend to be selfish.

Also, your mention of not remembering to follow through on the smallest of tasks may indicate yet another issue - Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. Maybe the constant distractions of this child is triggering other obstacles in your life, creating frustrations that you are essentially projecting onto this child.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2010 at 4:53PM
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You might be exaggerating...I doubt it is actually hate. Awfully strong feeling...

I don't want young children at home full time, mine is grown and I am not interested in men with young children. I do not hate young children of course but I don't want them at home 24/7. It does not make me a bad person. I make my choices.

It is somewhat unclear for me that if you do not want children, do not really like children why do you want to be with a man who does have a child! So you put yourself in this position, why? You seem intelligent then why not making a choice that is more logical?

I don't think it makes you a bad person if you don't want to be around young children, but you are putting yourself in a position when neither you, nor your BF nor his child benefit from it.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 12:00AM
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Pattybags... Your theories are very much appreciated. However, I think people tend to INVENT the information NOT provided, to fit whatever point they're trying to make. I will fill in those missing pieces for you, so you will not have to make things up!

My schedule and the time my fiance gets his son only allows me to actually see & spend time with the boy the last Sunday of every month. Since the engagement my fiance has suggested that he, his son and I do something together THAT ONE DAY OF THE MONTH WHEN I AM AVAILABLE. Most times he has his son when I'm working (my fiance know and respect my feelings regarding children, he wouldn't have proposed if there was a problem with it). So when that Sunday came & his son was dropped off, I immediately encountered that loathing feeling and made up an excuse to leave. I didn't understand, I never really before that moment had any personal feelings regarding the boy. I just acknowledge he's my fiance's son and ACCEPTED it long ago. I never really spent much time with him due to my schedule.

After this incident, I had a whole month until I would see him again so I had time to prepare. What help me through was constantly reminding myself of the positive things about the boy when it was time for me to see him. He talks fairly well for his age & he remembers a lot of things. I even went as far as buying bubbles as a tool to bond with him. I put forth the effort and it paid off. I only see him once a month, that's it! Any person who couldn't deal with that is outright selfish. SO YOU SEE PATTY, THERE WAS NEVER A TIME WHERE I PROJECTED ANYTHING ONTO THIS CHILD.

You used the words "control & "perfect", where did that come from? You're making ASSumptions right now. What if I said:

"Pattybags, you did not read my post very well at all. You are attacking the fact that I'm not a mother, babymother or grandmother and HAVE NO DESIRE to be. THERE ARE WOMEN OUT HERE POPPING OUT BABIES LEFT AND RIGHT WITH NO SOURCE OF INCOME. I CANT BE ONE OF THOSE WOMEN SO IF THAT'S THE CONTROL YOU SPEAK OF THAT'S SO BAD THEN SO BE IT PATTY! My focus is my career. I have financial stability and freedom and could really careless about having children. That bothers you Patty, wanna know why? Because you're probably a miserable housewife, or stay at home mom who's bitter for picking the family life early and not persuing your dreams first."
That would be making an assumption right?

Another thing, I work with tedious analyzation of numbers and reports so if forgetting to grab my trash from my desk and dropping it near the door a few times a week diagnoses me with ADD, then so be it, PATTY. As long as it doesn't effect my IQ, lol.

LIKE AN ADULT, I DEALT WITH MY SITUATION. When I see the little boy now, he remembers my name & my two dogs' name. He's a smart boy, and he likes the guitar. Another bonding tool!
My intentions were not to explain my situation like this but to gather theories.
I guess what I was looking for when I said theories, was something involving the sub-conscience. A reasonable explanation, perhaps? I guess people would rather verbally attack you here. How could you have possibly drawn those conclusions with the little info I provided?

    Bookmark   April 4, 2010 at 12:27PM
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you come across very angry, why? no one verbally abuse you here. you asked for theories and people tried, it is fine if you don't like it, but why screaming at people?

as about your situation, it is great that there is an improvement, but I still don't understand why are you already engaged yet don't know his child that well. seems like a premature decision. hope you don't rush with the wedding.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2010 at 7:47AM
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FD - I think what happened is that Pattybags ran away with the dish and the spoon. She read Silver's theory about control and then inserted perfection and projection into the mix. She probably didn't realize it and I have seen others do the same thing here, as far as mixing facts from one poster to another. I'm sure her heart was in the right place, but the rest of her post came across as condescending IMO, hence, LFN's ruffled feathers.

As for any theories - Who knows? We all have different things that make us tick. I think as longs she continues to bond with this little guy and find the positives in him...well, that's what really matters.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2010 at 11:34AM
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Two year olds can be tough to take even if they are your own! I'm sure you've heard of the terrible two's? Not to say this boy is in his terrible two's as you haven't given that much info on him but it's a guess.

Lots of people are not fans of little kids. For many years while I was single, I was not a kid person. I babysat a little for friends but only a little. Now that I have a kid I'm totally in to them, ck. out my handle. But that came after a lot of maturation and having a child myself.

The big question as FineDreams has said is you being engaged to a man with a toddler and you are not that interested in being around a little kid. The once a month visitation may turn out to be more as things go along. It's understandable that you want as much one on one adult time with your boyfriend. Problem is that your boyfriend needs time with his child too.

I agree, hate is a strong word and you probably don't hate that little kid. Resentment is more what I get from your post. Thinking about the positive qualities the little guy has is a great first step and believe it or not, little kids can be fun. You got the bubbles now get him some blocks or a wooden xylophone. Little kids are easily won over by someone playing with them. But, think hard about an engagement to someone with a young child if you aren't crazy about young kids. There is more than a diaper bag of challenges (and joys) that go along with a little one like that.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2010 at 11:45AM
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I'd just like to say that I've never wanted kids, just not the motherly type I suppose, but I do like being a stepmom. So just because one doesn't want kids doesn't mean they shouldn't be stepparents.

I actually have a very positive experience, because even though I'm happy to not have kids, I do like having my partner's kids in my life, and being part of their growing up. It's like I get the best of both worlds, if you know what I mean.

So lastfridaynight, why do you feel the need to discuss these feelings of dislike you have now under control?? Quote from you: "This feeling snuck up on me and I want to know why did I loathe him so much". As if this is an interesting question to ponder..hmm. But you also acknowledge "feelings can only be helped to an extent".

To come to this forum to analyse feelings of dislike which you think you have under control seems beside the point.
You're proud of yourself for rationalising your feelings so they're manageable. So I guess congratulations on that. Now enjoy this state of mind for the next 20 years to come :-)

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 12:47AM
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While I understand the sudden 'hate' took you by surprise and that you've worked at bonding to the extent that you desire for the way that your life currently is with this child, congrats on all that.

A point to ponder though may be what happens if say this gentleman unexpectedly ends up with full custody of the child? Life happens, are you prepared to accept that possiblity as you are engaged to be married to the father?

Not that it is any of my business, but am curious as you sound every set in what and how you want things in your life (nothing wrong with that) just wondering if you have pondered the 'what ifs' if you preceed on your marriage plans and in the future something drastic occurs to alter the current visitation program.

I bring this up in your posting as you stated "MY POINT IN POSTING WAS TO FIND THE SOURCE OF THESE PROBLEMS AND RESOLVE THEM BECAUSE I HONESTLY DID NOT LIKE THAT IMMEDIATE FEELING OF HATE TOWARDS THAT CHILD. IT MADE ME FEEL SICK AND I DON'T WANT IT TO COME BACK!"...there are no givens in the life, I think if this were myself I'd have to be asking myself 'what if'.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 8:35AM
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what a good post yabber...

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 8:36AM
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To Finedreams:

Not angry, more like frustrated. I HAD TO CAP IT to make sure she got it. Some people just need to learn to read what's actually there and not interepret it to what they want it to be. Especially if they call themselves telling it to someone. It's very clear Pattybags responded incorrectly in her posts. Half the stuff she mentions were not in my post.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 1:41PM
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To Gerina:

Is that common around here?

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 1:46PM
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Last Friday, you asked for theories. Other than using the word "perfection" I think she had a pretty good theory, although I can see how she perceived you as being a perfectionist.

Here are the words that jump out at me:

1. career oriented type of woman
2. never been motherly
3. never wanted children
4. not cockiness, more like confidence
5. I'm somewhat of a self absorbed person
6. I'm too absorbed into my daily life to remember to do the smallest of tasks
7. you just can't switch it off but you can controll it
8. I become engaged to this guy and excepting "the whole package"

These words, to me, scream "perfectionist and controlling". There is nothing wrong with either of those things. It's just that I have a hard time imagining you with a spit up rag and disheveled hair. I get an image of a woman very much in control of her life, her feelings, her plan, and I think you've probably been de-railed a bit. Kids will do that to a person, lol. I don't know why you "loathe" this child so much. I think that requires some pretty deep digging.

But to jump all over Patty... you asked for theories. That's hers. Yes, she made assumptions, but theory and assumption are pretty closely linked. And you capitalizing the first three letters in assumption, to me, is pretty rude. You may think you've "accepted it" and dealt with it like an adult but I perceive you've actually just pushed the feelings down.

I can't imagine why you have these feelings, and I suggest you see someone professionally if you want more than an armchair perspective. We, after all, are not qualified, nor have enough information to make more than a passing judgment on the origins of your feelings and behaviors.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 2:20PM
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To: Yabber & Justmetoo


This is why I posted, I think one of you even quoted me with this, lol.

Get to the source of the problem and execute from the root!

You guys seem to have overlooked the fact that I put a lot into making those feelings go away and trying to prevent them from resurfacing by completely fleeing my comfort zone to find bonding tools.

You only wanted to respond to my rant to Patty when Patty clearly "ran away with the dish and spoon" as Gerina put it. I won't apologize for that.

Yes, I am sure of myself and what I want in life. I also adapt and overcome, easily and quickly. A characteristic I'm grateful to have, lol.

What does "not being fond of children" mean anyway?. When my friends come to my house with they're children, they already know to either make the kids sit down and watch cartons or go outside and play. No running around my house and being annoying. That doesn't mean I don't like kids or can't be married to a man with a child. I just don't want children for myself.

Just forget it, I'm going to the library.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 2:50PM
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To: Silversword

I presume my method in collecting theories to resolve an issue such as this is unorthodox and should only be used in science class, lol.

I don't think I need professional help as I've read more than a few posts here where women express way more hate & negative feelings towards thier stepchildren. Stories where women give thier husbands ultimatums. Yeah, right. I'm trying to prevent the feelings from coming back. Geez!

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 3:05PM
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I thought you were off to the library. One may wonder why you chose a step forum to pat yourself on the back on what a great one afternoon a month stepmom you will be as you adapt and overcome so quickly, if you keep wasting your time with our trival efforts/attempts to respond to what you write here.

Perhaps on the way to get the books and to study higher research on the topic, you should swing by the lumber yard to order the fencing for the backyard and the electronics store to purchase that big screen television so if you actually do get stuck with the kid for more than more afternoon a month you'll be all set.

What theories has the BF given you when you discussed your past feelings and your current efforts to adapt and overcome them with him towards the child?

--"That doesn't mean I don't like kids or can't be married to a man with a child. I just don't want children for myself"--

I'm still curious, what happens after you read all the books/research, gather all the theories and as I asked above, something drastic changes the visitation routine? I get you don't want children of your own (again that's ok), but how do you deal with that little boy who would live in your house 24/7 and won't be going home to a bio mom? It's really not good for a child's development to put them around a tv screen all day or to send them out to play for all but their sleeping hours. What is in your plan to cope with that scenario.

I get you're trying to find where the feeling came from and assure it never returns, but I'm not sure you're getting that life does not always follow ABC no matter how well planned out and capable one thinks they are. You're still dealing with the first issue, er, gathering theories, I'm suggesting you look at it more long term than mere immediate. While almost anyone can control short term situations and their feeling involved in it, I think it may take more than a few forum boards and books combined with determination to actually implement a sudden unexpected long term change.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 3:57PM
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I don't think it's unorthodox to seek information in this method. But what you will get is opinions, and if you don't like them and insist on lashing out when people give you what you consider to be "ASSumptions" based on the itsy bit of information you choose to share I don't think you'll come away with very much value. That's why I suggested a professional.

"What does "not being fond of children" mean anyway?. When my friends come to my house with they're children, they already know to either make the kids sit down and watch cartons or go outside and play. No running around my house and being annoying. That doesn't mean I don't like kids or can't be married to a man with a child. I just don't want children for myself."

Marry a man, marry his child. If you can't understand how making kids watch tv or go away so you don't have to listen to them/watch them being "annoying" equates not liking kids or not being fond of kids.... I don't know what to tell you.

When random kids come to my house I try to find them activities they can do and often they are "hanging" with the rest of us. Like little people, not accessories, or second class citizens. I like most kids. I think they are interesting. I don't let them jump on my couch or crayon the walls, but I do try to have fun with them. And a 2 year old is a baby. How can a 2 year old even be annoying??? Trying, yes. But annoying? Wait until he starts really getting a personality!!

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 4:36PM
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Look, basically people here are asking you why you are choosing to be a stepmother especially to a young child if you aren't in to kids. Some people are and some are not.

I get it that you are here as a girlfriend and potential stepmother with a two year old who might crowd you and your BF. You are not the only one. Don't waste your virtual breath going around and around about a post. Take what is useful and discard the rest.

If you marry this man, this kid will not stay two. He'll be three, then 5, then 9 then 15 .... Oh, and your feelings might change about kids especially if you decide you want one or more YOURSELF. That happened to me.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 5:04PM
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"I don't think I need professional help as I've read more than a few posts here where women express way more hate & negative feelings towards thier stepchildren. Stories where women give thier husbands ultimatums."

who on this forum hated 2-year-old? women who give ultimatums to their husbands do not regularly post here at all. this is not "hate kids" type of forum. once in a while hateful individuals appear here but they normally don't stay for more than couple of posts. True there are are forums that are focused on hatred towards children, but this is not one of them, you are incorrect.

if you expect children to either watch cartoons or play outside I don't understand how do you expect to have a stepchild?

i also have to comment on "career oriented". 99% of us on this forum are career oriented, have advanced education and are professionals, not housewives, we do have children and don't hate anyone. being "career oriented" certainly does not explain how you feel about children.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 5:09PM
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Thank you FD. You took the words right from me! I am "career oriented", with a full-time job, am highly educated... and I am a mother, and a step-mother, and am the child of step-parents.

I wouldn't consider myself a "kid-person", (career-parent/wants to have a bussload of kids/duggar-wanna-be) but I'm a happy mother and I work hard to ensure the children in my life are happy and loved. From my experience, most here are the same.

Is anyone here a housewife? (who has not already raised her children, which is a different cup of tea altogether)

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 12:09AM
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I work full-time as well and I'm really enjoying it. Even though I never really thought about kids (to have kids myself) I was happy to have a partner who already has kids. I don't really know why, never really thought about analising that, I just did. All I thought about was the fact that I would be a part of their family, and if I was up to the challenge, expecting rough times, especially at first (like "you are not my mum" responses which would've been understandable, but never even happened).

I did think about the possibility of the skids ending up living with us one day, and if I would still like it then, and the thought didn't (and still doesn't) scare me so then I knew it was fair to have a go and see if we could make it work. Now 5 yrs later so far so good!

Solastfriday you just don't sound like you have the right attitude, that's all.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 2:49AM
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We never had "stay at home moms" in our family, even my grandmothers/great-grandmothers born in early 1900s, late 1800s were professionals.

at this point of my life I do not want young children at home full time unless we are talking of grandkids that I hope to have one day. :)

But that's why I do not understand OP willingly putting herself in a situation that is undesirable. there are plenty of childless men out there. I would not advice OP to date men with grown children either because there might be grandkids one day and you cannot plant them at TV all day long.

I am off this week, and am going to go to my moms who is also off today, we are going to pick my niece (8) up and go do stuff with her, don't know what yet. My mom is 64, has college degree and holds executive/managerial position, will work at least few more years, never stayed home, yet raised 2 kids and is involved in her 3 grandkids' lives.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 9:30AM
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