Feeling panicky

lovehadleyApril 27, 2009

I swear I am having some sort of on-going panic attack!

I can't handle this...don't know what to do.


I know that sounds ridiculous...I married my husband, I knew what I was getting into...this is my bed, I made it, now I will lie in it, all that stuff...

I am just an emotional wreck about this. It just seems like reality has hit home in a major way--this woman will ALWAYS be in our lives and things will never be peaceful. That's how I feel.

How do you disengage from a BM? I don't want her taking up space in my head anymore.

Last night, DH and I were watching a movie and around 10 pm BM called. DH didn't answer. She called again. Then again. Finally, on the 4th call DH said "I have to answer, I have to see what she wants."


SHe was calling about SS's school's spring carnival this coming weekend...wanting to know if my DH had bought tickets yet. I mean, COME ON! Does THAT really necessitate FOUR late-night phone calls? NO. It does not. I was ticked at my DH for answering in the first place. THIS is the petty stuff I mean--there is just no reason for him to have a nightly "chat" with her about stuff that can be handled primarily via email.

It's like--I can't even have ONE NIGHT with my hubby without HER. Seriously, I am not even exaggerating. She calls EVERY night. DH will call to say goodnight to his son and then without fail, BM either gets on the phone or else she calls back...if he doesn't answer, she keeps calling and calling and eventually, he caves and answers.

And it is always the most trivial little sh*t that could be handled via email or later on in the week. It is just an excuse to "talk." She always tries to worm her way into a conversation with him about stuff that does NOT have anything to do with parenting their son. Ever since the incident, DH has been good about keeping it short, and not getting sucked into friendly conversation...BUT...BM is trying nonetheless.

I know this might sound trivial or petty....but it just drives me batty.

So then the issue of the carnival comes up and DH says to BM that he is planning to take off work to take SS. BM wants to go too b/c SS wants both of them there. So they work that out and then DH tells me he wants to take my DD, too. NO WAY. I am sorry but I really don't want DD around BM. Am I out of line for that?

I don't think so. I mean, this woman came to our home drunk, tried to drive with her son, and then punched me. And SS and DD know this. We have had to have some frank discussions in our family about what happened--about how BM drank too much alcohol and it made her act scary/crazy, and that what she did is not okay...that we don't think she is a BAD person, but we think she is a sick person who needs help.

So what kind of message am I sending my daughter if I send her off to a carnival where BM will be? That it's okay for someone to behave like that, to frighten and hurt people, and then not do anything to make ammends---but we will hang around with them anyway and pretend like everything is okay? That is just NOT a message I want to send my daughter. So DH said FINE, he wouldn't take my daughter but he acted all put out, like I was being ridiculous.

What do you think?

And back to my original question--HOW do you disengage?

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When they gave you the EPO after that night and continued the case did they also extend the EPO??? If so when she shows up and sees you she has violated the order. Contact orders with my ex said that he could not contact me or members of my household. Is yours worded that way too?? Send the B a text message telling her it would be in her best for her say home. Or contact the police and report her in violation.

Ask DH if DD's father attacked him in the same way as you were attacked how soon would he be ready to enjoy his company again? Tell him you litterly took it on the nose for SS, how much more does he expect you to do. He can be put off all he wants but he can't argue that you have gone above and beond the call for SS and him and you and your DD shouldn't have to miss out on anything because the Queen wants to come.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 2:47PM
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Your husband needs to disengage before you can. My husband used to just give BM what she wants because it's easier than fighting with her, even if she is being totally unreasonable. I think guys just want peace at any cost. My husband even told me he felt like just giving BM custody of SD after he was served because of the nasty things she said about us and he didn't want to be dragged through the mud in court and have to hire an attorney, miss time from work and he started blurting off a laundry list of reasons he should just let it go and let BM have what she wants. I listened to him and then calmly told him, "if you believe it is the best thing for your daughter to go live with her, then I will agree and go help her pack." He hugged me and said no, it would not be best for her. He said it would be the worst thing for her. So, he has not said one more word about what it's going to cost or missing time from work or the stress of defending ourselves against her 'accusations'. (but my point is, even after he has agreed to disengage from her.. and it's been an ongoing process over three years now... that it's still hard to deal with her without wanting to take the easy way out and just give her what she wants) And I think she knows from past experience that if she makes it uncomfortable enough for him, he will give up. It's worked for her in the past but I have to believe that eventually, she will stop trying so hard because when you deal with someone like that, the more you try to disengage, the worse it gets. She tries harder and harder... pushes the boundaries. and it does get to the point where I want to scream... look at how many times I've vented over stupid little crap that may seem insignificant to someone else.... it's just that all the little things add up until you reach your boiling point.

HOW do you disengage? You practice. It takes lots of practice. Be aware. Awareness of when she's pulling you into nonsense helps. Be direct. DH had to send BM a letter to tell her to stop calling him and only communicate via email or text. Now he has scaled back to email only. She lies when they talk on the phone (denies what was said) and she will text him to death if he responds. We only respond when it's necessary, if it has to do with SD's health, safety or welfare. Otherwise.. ignore her. (and they HATE to be ignored so expect it to get worse when that happens) He has had to ignore the BS in her emails and focus on the issue that is relevant... she will go off in different directions on a witch hunt to find something to get him or us to react to. When she starts name calling, that is another ploy she has to pull him into it. He just ignores it.

I don't think it's fair to have to avoid activities just because she will be there but I understand why you would. If it's SS's carnival, then no your DD does not need to be there, she'll have her own carnivals. You can do something with her alone. She'll probably love that. It's crappy that you have to go through this. It would be nice for them (the kids) to go to stuff together. SS can go to your DD's school stuff and BM has no reason to be there. But, your DH needs to give BM as little info as possible about you. If she asks why you aren't there, you had plans. Do NOT tell her that you are not there because she is!!! You do not want her to have the power of knowing that you are avoiding things because she is there... then she will make herself there for EVERYTHING! If you can find the strength to go, then stand by DH and smile.. hold hands and don't let her know she bothers you one bit. It may be too soon for that now, seeing how she just assaulted you. But, that's going to make HER feel uncomfortable. It always seems to be, when they are having problems in THEIR relationships, they want to cause problems in yours... like they have nothing better to do. I guess it's easier to cause problems with you than to deal with her own.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 4:14PM
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it is DH's fault. he should stop answering the phone and going to events wiht her together. she wants to go to carnival? she can go. DH doesn't have to go. no rule that both parents have to be there. they are divorced for a reason, and it should stay this way. SS needs to be told that since mom and dad are not together they won't be going to events together. your DH doesn't need to talk to her daily or ever. until he stops this entanglement it is nothing you can do.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 4:59PM
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" she wants to go to carnival? she can go. DH doesn't have to go."

I am inclined to agree, except I see the opposite. It is DH's weekend and HE can go and BM can stay home. If it were BM's weekend, I would say she could go and DH could skip.

I don't know. It's so hard. SS is little and of course he wants both his parents to share in something fun. Truth be told, he wanted me and DD to go, as well, and I just plan on telling him that I wish I could, but I have something else planned.

I do agree that it is really hard for ME to disengage when DH won't. :( I am going to tell him, though, to just stop giving me a re-cap of their conversations. Inevitably, it just p*sses me off--so I'm going to tell him to keep any news pertaining to BM to HIMSELF. I do not want to hear it.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 6:18PM
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Love, does DH complain to you after these calls? Does he say the things she calls for are ridiculous?

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 9:26PM
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Love, it is not you that needs to disengage from BM. Your DH needs to tell her he doesn't want to be her friend. He needs to get out his fat crayon and draw the picture for her.....You assaulted my wife, frightened her child and ours. You are out of control and our contact will be minimal because I'm commited to my wife, this family and giving our son a stable environment.
Does he not get the assaulted my wife part? Why is he so okay to rewind the clock a few weeks and pretend that didn't happen? That was a life altering pivotal moment in your family and relationship. He should still be mad at her! I'm annoyed for you.
When he answered the phone the 4th time he should have told her this was not an emergency warranting 4 back to back calls. If I don't answer leave a message, do not call me continuously unless our son is injured and requires medical attention.

Then he needs to mean it. He may have to repeat it a handful of times but when he quits giving her the time, reaction and attention she wants she will leave him alone and you can have some peace, and enjoy your relationship without the big elephant in the room!

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 9:28PM
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I'm going to tell him to keep any news pertaining to BM to HIMSELF. I do not want to hear it.

Do you realize how simple and absolutely BRILLIANT that is? By doing that, you will help your DH disengage. He will not have you to dump on anymore. (not that dumping on you is his intention, but that's what he's doing.) He will no longer be able to feed her drama with you. (again, unintentional.) He'll have nobody to vent to anymore, nobody to discuss her crazy sh*t ad nauseum. He will have to deal with it HIMSELF. All the negativity, the drama, the soul sucking nonsense. No relief. He will finally get as sick of it as you are, and do what he should have done a long time ago...disengage!

    Bookmark   April 27, 2009 at 9:46PM
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Love - You said "I don't know. It's so hard. SS is little and of course he wants both his parents to share in something fun. Truth be told, he wanted me and DD to go, as well, and I just plan on telling him that I wish I could, but I have something else planned."

I know this might not be the most popular opinion, but I think it's time to get real with your SS. If he's old enough to make up a serious lie about you spanking him to get a reaction from his mom, then he's old enough to understand the truth.

I'm not saying to go into every detail, but maybe your DH needs to have a conversation with him that goes something like this....."SS....I know it's really hard for you to understand everything that has been going on. But the fact is that your mom and I AREN'T together anymore. That means that we won't be doing things together as a family. We've tried and it's just not working out. Part of being separated is doing things separately. When you are with your mom, she will take you to things. When you are with me, Love and I will take you to things. We will all be there for you for the big things like birthday parties. And if we figure out later on that we can start doing things together again, then we will. Do you remember what happened that night between your mom and Love? Because of that, your mom and Love aren't allowed to be around eachother until things get worked out. None of this is your fault and we all love you and want to be supportive of you. You didn't ask for this, but this is the way it has to be. And in order for us to have the best possible times together, we will have to do it separately."

Maybe not those exact words, but he needs to know that what's going on is serious. You can't keep glossing over things.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2009 at 5:08PM
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