Thanks to all who encourage me to disengage and just not care anymore about the little things that get to me so much. I am working on this. In more recent months, I have done less, bought less, and planned less to entertain and impress SS in hopes he may like me some day. I struggle with what I call minding my own business. For example this last weekend my mom gave him a souvineer from a recent trip, she'd brought him a wallet. Of course you should never give a wallet empty so she'd put $5 in it. For SS, who has a disturbing relationship with money this meant he needed to go buy something immediatley. So, Sunday on our way to a family gathering we had to make a special stop at Walmart so he could purchase a poster. We were dropping him at his moms after the gathering. Why did we have to stop? Why did we have to be late? Why couldn't he have just taken his money to the store wtih his mommy? The poster was going to her house anyway. No special trip would be made for the other kids if they had a desire to purchase someting they'd need to wait til we went to that store. I know I should mind my own business, just be along for the ride. It's hard.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm doing okay at not finding events to entertain SS. I am not doing so well at not letting stupid things irritate me.
A huge part of what irritiates me is that SS gets these silly special things because he's only here part time. I used to sign him and DH up for build and grow at the Lowes, we'll rent a movie when SS is here (it's the only time we do and SS gets to pick!) silly little things like that and BM acts as if SS is so ignored and neglected here. She's always trying to arrange and plan our weekends. She called yesterday to tell us the weekend schedule for May! Since there's Mothers Day, and Memorial Day she's adjusted everything and she thinks it'll work out great because we'll have SS on our "kid free" weekend and SS and DH can spend some one on one time together. I plan plenty of one on one time for them during our visitations. The other kids have friends from school and playdates and SS has his Dad. I don't want him two weekends in a row. I don't want him on our "kid free" weekend. How can I make myself busy anywhere but here? How do I explain to DH my desire to be anywhere but here when SS is here, without hurting his feelings?
When he's here (especially w/o the other kids) he competes for dad's attention, then looks to me for a reaction. I think if I disengage and don't care that he does that, that he will finally win and drive that wedge between DH and I.
Ugh....I really thought things were getting better, now we're taking 2 steps back.
yipee for 2 weekends in a row!