May weekends

mom_of_2.5April 29, 2009

Thanks to all who encourage me to disengage and just not care anymore about the little things that get to me so much. I am working on this. In more recent months, I have done less, bought less, and planned less to entertain and impress SS in hopes he may like me some day. I struggle with what I call minding my own business. For example this last weekend my mom gave him a souvineer from a recent trip, she'd brought him a wallet. Of course you should never give a wallet empty so she'd put $5 in it. For SS, who has a disturbing relationship with money this meant he needed to go buy something immediatley. So, Sunday on our way to a family gathering we had to make a special stop at Walmart so he could purchase a poster. We were dropping him at his moms after the gathering. Why did we have to stop? Why did we have to be late? Why couldn't he have just taken his money to the store wtih his mommy? The poster was going to her house anyway. No special trip would be made for the other kids if they had a desire to purchase someting they'd need to wait til we went to that store. I know I should mind my own business, just be along for the ride. It's hard.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm doing okay at not finding events to entertain SS. I am not doing so well at not letting stupid things irritate me.

A huge part of what irritiates me is that SS gets these silly special things because he's only here part time. I used to sign him and DH up for build and grow at the Lowes, we'll rent a movie when SS is here (it's the only time we do and SS gets to pick!) silly little things like that and BM acts as if SS is so ignored and neglected here. She's always trying to arrange and plan our weekends. She called yesterday to tell us the weekend schedule for May! Since there's Mothers Day, and Memorial Day she's adjusted everything and she thinks it'll work out great because we'll have SS on our "kid free" weekend and SS and DH can spend some one on one time together. I plan plenty of one on one time for them during our visitations. The other kids have friends from school and playdates and SS has his Dad. I don't want him two weekends in a row. I don't want him on our "kid free" weekend. How can I make myself busy anywhere but here? How do I explain to DH my desire to be anywhere but here when SS is here, without hurting his feelings?

When he's here (especially w/o the other kids) he competes for dad's attention, then looks to me for a reaction. I think if I disengage and don't care that he does that, that he will finally win and drive that wedge between DH and I.

Ugh....I really thought things were getting better, now we're taking 2 steps back.

yipee for 2 weekends in a row!

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What is "kid free" weekend? Do you not have any kids that weekend?

The stopping at the store is obnoxious. I wouldn't have wanted to do that either. And if he has an unhealthy relationship with money it's probably better to make him wait and anticipate and save and and and rather than rush out and spend. Just my .02

With the movies thing... I think all kids should be treated equally. I'd pick out three that were acceptable to me (meaning ones I'd be willing to see!) and then the kids can decide. If one gets their way this time, the next time it's another childs turn. NO FAVORITES!!!

I don't think kids will love a parent because of fun things. I think consistency is what kids crave. They want to know their place is secure. Make him a firm nest and keep it uncluttered by distractions. That means he will know where he stands and he will know that no manipulation (distractions/demands/special favors/needs) will alter that reality.

I know this must be hard. I'm sorry!!!

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 12:22PM
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We have his and mine one weekend, the next they are all with their other parents, that's our "kid free" weekend :)

I feel the same, that consistency is what they need over giving them whatever they want and that's how I'm raising my kids. That's why it's SO frustrating that DH handles his son differently. It appears as favoritism to the full time kids in the house.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 12:53PM
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"That's why it's SO frustrating that DH handles his son differently. It appears as favoritism to the full time kids in the house"

I can really relate to that. My DD is with us all the time; SS is with us 50% of the time.

Honestly, it took my DH a long time to feel comfortable doing fun things with DD on the weekends SS is not here. I think it is/was some sort of loyalty issue, and I can understand that on some level.

It was still frustrating because it felt (to me, and I probably over-dramatized it in my head) that DH expected DD to sit in a box on a shelf while SS was gone.

He has just now, as in the last 6-12 months, become a lot better about doing family activities, with or without SS. That's not to say we don't try to plan things around SS's weekends---but if there is a carnival on a weeekend he's NOT here, we still take DD regardless.

SS struggles with jealousy issues and DH has also gotten better about not engaging in those things. JUST today SS came back after a 5 day stretch at BM's, and was upset when he heard from DD that we had all played tennis over the weekend. It's hard because he genuinely felt sad and left out. :( But Dh did a good job of pointing out that we do LOTS of fun things when he is with us, and he also gets to do lots of fun things when he is with his mom, as well.

It's tough, though. :(

I don't blame you for being annoyed about BM telling you your schedule for May! I think you are similar to me (hope that doesn't offend you!) in that you anticipate things being a certain way, and when those things are changed, ESPECIALLY by someone else, it is frustrating.

I would make plans for yourself that weekend and go ahead and let SS and his dad have alone time. It will probably be good for all of you.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 8:30PM
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I agree that stopping at the store or SS always selecting everything and being treated like he is the center of the universe is wrong and annoying. i sympathize.

BUT...I don't get your comment about him being wiht dad two weekends in a row. some kids live full time wiht their parent, you know... if parents are still married, they have their children full time, they don't complain they got kids for two weekends. They have them all the time!

also dad should be excited he gets to be with his son extra weekend! Both son and dad should be happy.

sometimes it is assumed kids should be raised by moms and dads should never bother spending any extra time with kids.

When people decide to have children do they plan on having "kids free" weekends? Or it is just rules for divorced families? Don't get this logic.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 9:54PM
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"When people decide to have children do they plan on having "kids free" weekends? Or it is just rules for divorced families? Don't get this logic."

I get what you are saying, finedreams. I've even sometimes felt that way with my DH--in the past, it seemed sometimes like he wanted a kid-free weekend when it wasn't his weekend with his son. But my DD is with me 100% of the time, so she is always there. Like I said, it took him a good while during the course of our relationship to really open up to that. I used to feel like he sometimes forgot the fact that my DD is always with me.

In regards to momto2.5, though--I totally get what she is saying. She was looking forward to a weekend with her DH---a kid-free weekend that happens on a regular basis.

I don't think people plan on having kid-free weekends (on a regular basis) when they have children, of course. But when people separate/divorce, and have custody arrangements, people DO get used to those arrangements and make plans accordingly.

I know my DH in some ways likes his time "off" from parenting his son. It's not that he doesn't love him or want extra time--but just that there are days he appreciates being able to run errands or do yardwork without the "parental duties" calling. Really not that different than some days I am kind of glad my DD is at school because it means I can get grocery shopping done, run errands, etc.

I think that is just one of the realities of sharing custody.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 10:09PM
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I think as Ima brought up in another thread, when you have a relationship with someone with kids custody arrangements can change.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 10:22PM
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It is fun to have time off kids. and it is a good thing for a couple once in a while. But two weekends having a child is not a tragedy

I never heard any of the women/mothers here on this forum saying about their own kids: Damn i got my kid two weekends in a row (sounds like something imamommy's SD's BM would say LOL). But dads' wives often complain that kids come over extra day.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 10:26PM
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One weekend with kids, one without has been the deal since we were dating. My DH and I very much value that time together, but no, it isn't a tragedy if we get a kid on a kid free weekend, doesn't mean I have to like it. As soon as school is out, SS comes for the summer and he will be here every weekend, also the deal since day one.

Personally, I'd be much less annoyed by it if DH said "Hey, I'd like to have SS this weekend, maybe we can go fishing" rather than being told by his XW how our weekends will be.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 9:56AM
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mom of 2.5, you sound like just the type of SM that gives all SMs a bad name. You said "it isn't a tragedy if we get a kid on a kid free weekend, doesn't mean I have to like it." That is plain ridiculous and selfish statement. How nice it must be to be a part-time parent that refuses or resents overtime duties (sarcasm). What will you do if the custody arrangment ever changes. Geez.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 12:14PM
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that's what I thought mariealways. I even wonder if she is for real because it just does not sound like something woman would say. it doesn't matter if SM likes it or not. he has a son and having extra obligations is a part of being a parent. and if you do not like haivng children extra time, you should not marry a man wiht children. if something happens to BM, SS will live wiht dad full time, like it or not.

It is OK that BM has SS full time but is not OK for dad to have him one etxra weekend, what a selfish attitude. who says kids should only visit once in a while? or only visit when it is OK wiht SM.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 12:38PM
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Mom of 2.5, it sounds to me that the child's mother may be concerned that SS doesnt get enough quality time with dad -- the purpose of visitation is to encourage relationship with Dad -- my guess is SS goes back to mom and says all he does is play wiht other kids, she feels bad for him.

Do you children live with you full time? And then visit their dad EOW.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 12:47PM
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It probably could have been worded better but what mom of 2.5 is complaining about... BM dictating what they are doing. I think we can all relate to that. None of us wants our ex or our spouses ex to tell us what to do in our home.

I love kids and had mine 24/7 for 18+ years. I have ALWAYS had a kid in the house... until recently that is. Now that my kids are in college and working, I finally had a 'kid free' day and it IS SO NICE!!!! I felt guilty for thinking it because I do love my kids and have never resented having them around me 100% of the time... but when SD goes to her mom for a week and I don't have any kids in the house for a day or week... I NEVER KNEW HOW GREAT IT COULD BE!!! and it doesn't make any of us a bad person to admit that we 'like' it.. or admit that we don't like not having it.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 1:05PM
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kkny makes a good point. My SD goes to visit her mom and one of her biggest complaints when she comes back is that mom's BF's kids were there and her mom didn't spend any time with her... they do everything with all the kids. She never gets any one on one time with her mom and the purpose of her going there is to spend time with her mom.

DH is suggesting that BM take SD on weekends that her BF's kids are not there so they can have one on one time. We'll see what BM says.

I can appreciate wanting some kid free time, but I also agree that when you have kids, you make sacrifices.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 1:10PM
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I would never let bm schedual my offkid weekends...that is my time to do as i please. If i was divorce and i hav ea kid free weekend...none ofmine and none of my dh's....i would fiercely guard them. Not because its another kids or mine...its because its FREE...ADULT only...Alone time with your partner.
But hey, if its only one weekend in may dont sweat it. In fact heres the perfect oppurtunity to leave them both alone and treat yourself! Go away for a 3 day weekend spa!!!! Alone or with a friend.
With my dh, he gets his kids eow one point the weekends would flip here and there because bm wanted this and that. I then told my husband that he gets his kids eow and i do nto want to alter my plans a million times because its convenient for her. And my dh would argue as well because we would plan alone time with us and she would try to change it...we were flexible for a while but then after so many changed plans both my dh and i agreed no more flippin g unless its an emergency.
Now since my son was born...we have no time:( we take sick days or time off to spend aloen time. We manage and alone time with dh is prescious....
So...that being said encourage yoru hubby to go fishing or do a boy thing weekend and send them out o fth ehouse or you leave for a girly thing for the weekend.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 1:54PM
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It sounds as if op needs to take a step back and look at how she's seeing things. What might seem bm 'planning' is something any of us non-custodial parents would probably jump at, having the kids for an extra weekend.

Let's remember who the adults are. I can kinda sorta see the 'annoyance' at the wal-mart visit, but it's hardly a hanging offence - money DOES burn holes in kids' pockets.

It sounds like the relationship is actually good, but op doesn't see it that way. How awful for a kid to perceive that, and that's why he's looking for the reactions, because he knows there will be one.

I know, easy for us to say, but op really ought to get some therapy. The issue is in her perception (which does not make it any less real, though.)

Like I say, let's remember who the adults are.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 3:21PM
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Tear a girl apart why don't you. Every Calender I own has K or NK marked all the way threw the year. I made a calender and mailed it to my EX marking when we have events that I want the kids to not miss, Like 6 months worth, no guessing. Asked him to do the same, keep a copy and mail me one back. How hard is that. I made one for my Husband to mail his Ex too.

Keeping NK weekends are WONDERFUL. Those are the weekends that we get to be newly weds. Anyone who wouldn't crave that is out of their tree. I have my kids full time his are eow. He is free to go see them any time he wants, sometimes goes and grabs them for a middle of the week game of bowling or dinner at MC D's. You don't need to mess up the normal EOW unless there is a reason. Just because the Ex thinks it is a good idea don't fly. I have papers that a judge signed that says I don't have to or cares what my ex wants anymore.

If it works for you maybe see if your ex wants to trade weekends too and you still get your Honeymoon Weekend just out of order. My husband loves his kids like no other but he looks forward to our kid free weekend as much as I do. I make strawberry pancakes that put IHOP to shame (but you would never want to see your kid sugar buzzed on) we take showers together leave the house and go get Starbucks and go to grown-up places that are relaxing and fun. Most of that we would never do with the kids in tow. We don't even go in the bedroom together if the kids know one is changing. When we have the kids the weekend is all about them. Pizza night, stay up late watching movies, popsicles, fishing, hay rides at the farm, Bacon and eggs in the morning.

When you are the second marriage you get thrown into an un-natural phase of marriage. Your just starting out trying to set up house keeping (again) Trying to get to know the deeper side of your new spouse, to have children full time your sticking yourself in the middle phase with the means of the first phase. Having weekends without the kids is golden. Your kids are your life and you love them with every ounce of your soul but at the time you spend with your husband or wife has a lot to do with if your going to make it to the third phase or not. So many couples say they had a great marriage until they had kids then they grew apart. So why would you think that having a marriage and never knowing the time of not having kids would work any better. And besides that If you are being selfish by not wanting to have the kids ever minute of every day why is it not selfish for you to hog the child and not allow the other parent to share in the childs life. Even if they are the full time parents your not dumping them to fight for themself with a band of Gypsy.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 3:41PM
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I think when SM's kids get to see a lot more than Dads kids, Dads kids should get some Dad alone time. If that means only one NK weekend a month, thats a lot more than most parents get.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 4:02PM
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Ima, I agree with you this is concern, no matter who is the NCP. I also understand some NCPs may want the stepsiblings to get to know each other. So there should be a compromise if possible -- some weekends when NCP has other kids, some when he or she doesnt.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 4:33PM
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I do understand where a step-parent might feel it's unfair or a drag to have to end up spending a bunch of time with kids they didn't choose to bring into the world --which is why I think it works best for everyone when the bio-parent takes the majority of the child-rearing responsibility-- but the problem comes in because it's just as unfair to the bio-parent and child to feel they have to have a curtailed or limited relationship so it doesn't cramp the step-parent's style. The needs of all involved are valid, and that's in general why blended families can be so hard.

The bio-parent taking the lead helps a lot, but even this is sometimes impractical (if the bio-parent is also the main provider and is at work all the time). Trying as hard as possible for everyone to stick to an agreed-upon schedule SEEMS the fairest solution of course, but as has been mentioned this can change for any number of reasons. Even if the schedule doesn't officially change, life happens and stuff sometimes just comes up, all around. So overall it seems that everyone has to be very flexible.

I guess in a nutshell it seems to boil down to blended families have to try their hardest to stick to mutually-agreed-upon plans... but all the while being flexible enough to know that especially with young kids involved, any "plan" could go down the crapper at any moment. Sadly, too many new step-parents wind up feeling very duped and resentful that what they thought they were getting into (a set, scheduled and even compartmentable situation), in fact what *everyone* in the blended family might have thought would be the case, just doesn't jive with the realities of family life. That's no one's fault, really, but if you don't know that going in, I'm sure it's a rude awakening.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 4:43PM
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I kind of find the complaints to be really petty, especially that it's just ONE weekend. It's not like you are a stepmom without kids. On top of that you have your children "full time" so wouldn't it make sense to stop begrudging and complaining about "extra" time your husband has with his son. Unless you just don't find having your "full time" kids rewarding? Wouldn't you think your husband would want his son full time as well? Just kind of weird imo. Also, this whole thing with favorites is pretty lopsided. Your kids have full time to pick and choose, your stepson has very limited time to pick and choose.

The whole wallet/money thing is pretty normal imo as well. I'm sure your husband has loads of things he can pick your kids apart about. How would you feel if he suddenly start coming up with complaints about how your kids are annoying when it's all random kid stuff. Doesn't everyone know their kids can be annoying? It just seems kind of weird to me again, that you're picking this kid apart over nothing.

So my take is if you want alone time with DH, you need to figure out ways to get your "full time" kids out of the house. Is that harsh? Yes, but no more harsh than your complaining about DH's extra weekend with his son.

And, I agree with Pjb, if this is how you truly feel and think then counseling is probably in order. This kind of mind frame is just not healthy concerning your spouses kid.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 9:27PM
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I think we'ld all like a day or a weekend off every now and then. I havent had a weekend off in years. But thats part of what being a parent means. And when you marry someone who is a parent, you also lose some of your freedom. I think what bothers me about OP is that it is OK for her kids to be with most of every month, but she resents time Dad spends with his son. Dad spends more time with her kids than he does with his. I think it is OK -- and actually only natural -- if a SM loves her kids more than her SCs, as I suspect OP does, but she should recognize that, and be fair.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 11:01PM
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Well kkny, it's very frustrating to have a BM that changes plans and schedules on purpose. I'm not saying that is what always happens, but I can tell you that early on in my relationship with DH, EVERY time he let her know we had plans to do something, she had some emergency where she had to switch weekends and if DH said he had plans, she'd lay on the guilt of "that's more important than your child?" and of course it never was. We only refused ONE time and it was because we were taking a cruise and could not get her a ticket or cancel. I realize not all BM's are like the one I am dealing with, but sometimes it's possible that an ex may change things.. just to ruin plans. When it happens ONE time... not a big deal. But, by the time you notice a pattern.. it can be very frustrating.

I think some of the other annoyances that to us, seem minor. But when you are caught up in constantly being frustrated, then the little things become a big deal. I think if that's what OP is going through, it's more important to disengage and distance from the child because it is irrational to get upset over little things and if you don't get a handle on it... it will continue to get worse. The only way to get a handle on it is to get away from it.

I would suggest OP spend more time doing her own thing when SS is there. Let him be with his dad and let dad do for him. If dad is overcompensating or overindulging, there is nothing you can do to control that. You can talk to him about it, you can suggest a parenting class that talks about it, but you cannot 'make' him stop. He has to recognize what he's doing and want to stop. I think if you back off, you will notice a change. I think one of the hardest things for me, was accepting that DH parented differently than I do. We have no children together and I was very hands on... he isn't. He babies her more than I did mine. We have different views on it. I share my views and he shares his. That helps me see his POV. He sees mine. Through our talking about it, he has realized that he is doing her a disservice if he doesn't teach her more independence. But, we deal with it by discussing parenting methods and both of us keep an open mind. If we don't agree on something, we talk it out.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 3:02AM
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I agree that it frustating to you Ima, but I suspect that your child's mom and OP's child mom may have different motivation. Its one thing when a child's mom is concerned that Dad, as an EOW parent, isnt really spending limited visitation time with the child (which you have a similiar concern) -- its another when the childs NCP is changing visitition for her own convenience.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 6:13AM
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Wow. What I say is often received differently than I intended it. What I really meant to say is..I am annoyed that DH's EW directs our business after all this time.

For those of you who seem to believe BM is concerned about SS's relationship with DH I promise you she is not as she has spent the last 5 years keeping him during DH's visitation as it suits her schedule and badmouthing every person in this house including DH. I promise you she has plans this month on a weekend he would be here and THAT is why we got reassigned. Infact, this month is her younger daughter's birthday and I bet this is all so he could be at the party. Silly since all she'd have to do is ASK and of course we'd let him be there.

The money/wallet thing was an example of an irritant. This child has an obsession with how much money people have, and how much they spend. From the gas pump to the check out, to online banking he's always cranking his neck to see, and I don't think it's normal. I don't think children need to concern themselves with how much Dad's house cost vs how much moms cost, but thats just me. When he has money he buys things he doesn't necessarily want or like. He buys things the other kids have asked for (not only here but at Moms house too). It's not always his money either, he recently helped himself to BM's credit card to buy online.

Money is the on the minor end of his issues. He is angry, manipulative, he lies and he steals. This is not my imagination. He had CPS called to BM's because he told his school he is beat at home! Even she has gotten to a point with him she admits he needs help. He requires constant supervision and behavior management it is exhausting. And I refuse to feel guilty for not being excited about the extra time.

No, one weekend is not a big huge deal. This time last year I quit my job to stay home with him for the summer. I willingly signed up to spend EVERY single day for two and a half months with him. One weekend id not a big deal, it's that it was assigned by EW because it suits her. I came here to vent, sorry.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 9:35AM
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You dont have to be defensive Mom2.5..I understood exactly what you were saying..Like Ima just said, she wants to ruin your plans, or has some self serving motive..KKNY said what I was thinking, theres a difference with a concerned mom wanting dad and son to have extra bonding time, and doing whats convenient to her..I can remember BM driving 8 hours to drop SS to a remote cabin, just so he couldnt see or even call DH on Fathers Day..But when theres a weekend where her biker gang wants to blow town, she s very accomodating with visit time, guess she wants dad and son to bond then....

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 10:04AM
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Wow, this kid sreally has issues. I'm surprised his mom iddn't blow up witht he credit. BUt i remember from your past posts that mom did punish him and that your ss sneaked onto a computer in the library....i remember...
Yah his kid is obsessed iwthmoney...strange thing is, so is my sd. But she's calmed down for the last year.
She would ask how much did i spend on my son for this and that, and i would say, so how much did you mom pay for that shirt and shoes....she wouldn't answer but got the message. I was nice about my answer My dh would just say straight out, none of your bees waxy!
I even had my ss ask me how much i make!!! I told him straight out, Not anyones business! And that adult issues here. your a child and shouldn't ask those questions.
Their mom has an issue with money as well cause her sister married someone rich...and i mean rich.
Dont worry, mom of 2.5...i understand , it is one weekend but its the issues behind it and all the build up of cr*p....
Treat yourself away from the house for one weekend.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 11:12AM
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Much more logical explanation mom of 2.5. Now I can see your anger and frustration clearly and empathize with your situation.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 11:46AM
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How did I miss this post???

Are you BM's for real?

I know your situations are all different .... but give me a break if your lives revolve around your children that intensely I am sorry for you and your children.

When married you never looked forward to a smidge of time away from your children .... you have to be warped to not want adult conversation to watch something on tv besides disney channel listen to your favorite music. you all must only have one child.

poor kids ....

I have had kid free weekends away from my own children for almost 10 years.... and with the SC for almost 2 years ....

Guess what I get to sleep late, eat breakfast in peace, not break up any fights not run kids around to activities they don't want to be in anyway ... figure out sleepovers ....

All relationship with children involved have a need for flexibility but when you get used to doing the same way and change puts a kink in it. You adjust and move on one weekend will not kill OP but you know what its how she felt at the time .... people are allowed to have feelings

And I will add I feel sorry for your children that you have alienated their dad's from them that you do not get any time for yourselves.

Kid free weekends are a perk to being a custodial parent/step if you haven't alienated your ex from his children.

Ask a non-custodial SM how great would it be if they could get a kid free weekend.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 6:33PM
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There are plenty of CPs whose NCPs have decided on their own not to be around. Not only do I let X have her anytime he wants (except once ar twice, notified well in advance, when my family is visiting), I am mmore than willing to help with transportation.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 8:02PM
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you are the best mom ever

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 8:10PM
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No, pseudo, most of the divorced moms I know are just like me. Dad has run off with younger wife and spends little time with older kids. But we do our best.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 8:23PM
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but your ex doesn't have a younger wife ... so maybe you are all not so much alike or just doing your best to destroy any relationship between your children and their other parents adult relationships

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 8:56PM
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OK, younger SOs too. No one I know is doing anything to destroy relationships.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 8:58PM
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"No, pseudo, most of the divorced moms I know are just like me. Dad has run off with younger wife and spends little time with older kids. But we do our best."

Ok, KKNY, I am not saying what your ex did was right at all. Nor am I arguing that it does happen.

But I cannot think of ANYONE I know in that situation!

I just cannot stand this attitude that all dads have run off with a younger woman. Good grief. PLENTY of people split up or divorce for reasons that don't include TOW or TOM.

I don't know *that* many people in divorce or split situations---maybe 5-10 off hand that I can think of---but none of them are in situations like you are describing.

So, like I said, I'm not downplaying what you have gone through, but I find it insulting when you act like this is the *reason* everyone is finding themselves raising kids alone.

Point A.) Not all dads ditch their kids when they split/divorce from mom. The ones I know want to be as involved as possible.

Point B.) Not every dad that's not with BM ran off with another woman!

Maybe it is a generational thing? The men of my generation (and I am 28, almost 29, my DH is 33) seem VERY involved in raising their kids. I look around at DD's school and the dads are hands-on, involved, etc, divorced or not. I just can't imagine any of them divorcing their wives down the road and saying 'ya, I don't want to see my kids much anymore." I mean, the guys I know are at PTA meetings, back-to-school picnics, the park on weeekends, soccer, etc. So maybe it IS generational...maybe dads today are just more involved with their children from the get go.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 10:24PM
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When I was in the 20's, even 30s weoking full time, X and I had lots in common too.

And my post was in response to the one about CPs in generaly alienating NCPS. But I guess you think that was fair, or didnt want to comment.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 11:38PM
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I can solve all this bickering...stop with the generalizations. Everyone.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 12:00AM
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oh what a good idea .... bm's should start first though as a show of good faith :)

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 12:05AM
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"When I was in the 20's, even 30s weoking full time, X and I had lots in common too. "

I wasn't talking about spouses having things in common.

I guess my point was more that I just can't imagine all these caring, involved dads suddenly deciding to run off with another woman and "dropping" their kids. I could *maybe* understand it a little more if they were the type of jack-off dads who were never very interested in their children to begin with.

I just think that today--as opposed to even just 15, 20 years ago-- dads are expected to have and WANT equal involvement in raising their children.

As far as PAS, it doesn't have to be custodial vs. non-custodial. It can happen ANYTIME one parent has intense anger at the other parent, and wants the child to be angry at them, as well.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 12:06AM
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How funny it is when a mom denies being the best mom ever... lol, I am the best mom ever! Just ask my kids!

It's pointless to debate about PAS... real syndrome or not... there are parents out there, CP and NCP that pit the children against the other parent, the step parent or people they just don't like. How terrible it is to fill a child's heart with your own hate or anger for anyone. When a child feels that way about anyone because that is what one of their parents feels and wants them to feel... well, that's the worse parent and those children grow up, learning how to hate. If they don't have a relationship with one parent BECAUSE the other parent discouraged it or encouraged the child to choose... that is clear alienation.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 3:04AM
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Love, my point is people change.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 6:11AM
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Yes ima, that's exactly what has happened to our family. And my ss admits that mommy talks bad about you guys all the time and sd points out, but mommy doesn't know you and you guys are not bad at all, I dont understand why mommy is saying those things. Our response' because mommy is a very angry person who is jealous that daddy is happy and it gets her angry. She doesnt' want you guy to have fun wiht us. its jealousy. its sad...but that is reality.
And my sd knows it now clear as a bell. And now ss shows it to us by saying his home is a 'bad' home to his friend which he brought over last year. ' we are leaving a bad house to go to a good one' No lie! my dh came and told me after he brought them over. He was at a loss of words.
We do not know exactly what happends over at bm house and we will never know but what we do know is its taken its toll on the kids. SS says things like 'l'll never marry' and Sd has control issues already and gets very quiet and upset.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 7:04AM
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May was a while ago, of course that particular weekend has long since passed. I actually enjoyed the extra weekend he was here and realized that he is much less troubled when the only kid in the house. It turned out just fine.

I stand by being annoyed that whatever BM says goes, and that my DH needs to stand up to her. Right now she's kept him the last two weekends we were supposed to have him. First she "forgot" the 4th of July was our holiday AND our weekend, took him across the state. The next time, DH was supposed to pick him up Fri @ 6 and she told us a few days before she was going camping and we needed to pick up Thur night or she would take him with her for the weekend. Grr...of course she took him because DH and I both worked that Friday. She did decide we could have him the following weekend, however, we already had plans for our "kid free" weekend..paid for reservations we weren't going to change because she decided. So we haven't had him for 6 weeks now. Same old same old....she decides everything.

It bothers me I can't plan "family fun" weekends that include him, although I am feeling less and less guilty since it is his mother who is "keeping him" from us. By the calendar he should be with us tomorrow, and I'm kinda excited to see him. Who knows though, I haven't heard if he's really coming or not.

For what it's worth, I was not TOW. My DH did not leave her for me. Her and I are the same age. I don't believe my DH tries as hard as he should to stay involved in SS's life (school, sports) but I also see how difficult she makes it to be involved.

I cannot negotiate the terms of their parenting. If DH asks my opinion I'll share it with him, but I am really focusing on "minding my own business". I have my own kids to worry about.

*****BIG THANKS to you ladies who didn't think I was a monster for enjoying a sleep in, an hour away from Disney Channel, and most importantly the time off from bickering and deciding what to make for dinner that everyone likes. :)

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 9:06PM
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