Am I an alien?

poppingraysApril 16, 2009

Is it just me or.....

- I feel I'll never love my SD's as much as my own son

- DH will never love my son as much as his own daughters

- There is so much strain and stress in "blended" families, a lot of times it just doesn't seem worth the trouble

- some non-custodial bio parents seem to be such a pain in the keister, causing a lot of unnecessary strain on the custodial parents

- stepkids will never give us the love and respect we crave so much no matter how wonderful we try to make their lives

I could go on and on... would like to feel like I'm not alone in my thinking!

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I have had every single one of those thoughts. Not sure if that helps you but you are definitely not alone.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 12:08PM
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You are not alone.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 1:11PM
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It actually does make me feel better to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I try to live my life through the teachings of Christ, and when I have these feelings it seems like I'm betraying my faith, let alone my family!
Thank you for the encouragement...

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 1:39PM
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Its OK to think these things -- its how you deal with them that matters. Either make a fair life with kids or move on. But as long as you and DH stay, you owe it to be fair. Being fair isnt easy, and some people define it differntly. Good luck.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 1:58PM
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Like KKNY said it is okay to think these things....but you can not act like your thinking them!

Being a stepparent is one of the hardest jobs ever. And you get little thanks from it.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 2:01PM
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I think KK put that very well.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2009 at 1:41AM
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Your not alone. Its never easy and yes, KK hit that one on the nose.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2009 at 3:02PM
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I think that if we said we didnt feel that way A. We wouldn't be here looking for support. B. We weren't telling the truth. I was a step-child so I thought it would make it easier but it really isn't. The line is blured between being fair to all the children and having a healthy relationship with your bio child. Mine are full time his are EOW. Guilt for his feelings of loving my children when he can't see his own. The rejection of mine when he can't get enough of his when we have them. Saving special events when they are all home. Private time for the two of us. CRAZY!! I think it is worth it because my husband is amazing. It isn't for the faint of heart.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2009 at 3:33PM
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If you are talking small children, how can you not love a child. I could take a homeless child in and love it like my own. A child of divorce is a troubled child, his life has changed forever. He needs your kindness if not love. the best thing you can do for him is to show kindness, respect and special attention. When all is said and done and he grows up he will remember the kindness and know who loved him. And it will confuse the h**l out of the older children if you don't react to them when they are rude. LOL

I am 72 years old and have learned if someone is rude to you be kind to them and it will make them feel bad instead of feeling justified for their behavior.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2009 at 9:47PM
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stargazzer in this day in age, with kids whether bio or not, have no boundaries and no discipline and then why you try to discipline them , you get in trouble with the law.....its not like it was in the past. Kids have this sense of entitlement and they are raised now a days to be selfish.
the idea of sharing is slim, their own room, tv and games.
I understand the idea of being kind etc..but some people honestly do not care. They will look at your kindness as a stupidity on yoru part.
I've seen it happen. Its happened to me. I have had people be rude and i turn the other cheek...but you see it on their face. They have no remorse.
And other times, you are right, i treat them kind, they feel guilty. and they think. BUt not always.
I do not knwo details of poppins situ but if she given tiem and effort from when they were little and they are young adults and they sh*t on her..mmmm..nope...they can stuff it.
What she is stating is reality here. The reality of blended families. And its tough. And love doesn't always mend things. Sometimes, it just doesnt' matter how hard you try. That individual will be the way they are, That situation will be the way it is and you cannot change it.
You know the saying ' God grant me to know the difference of what i can change and what i cannot'

    Bookmark   April 18, 2009 at 3:49AM
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Blended families are difficult, and the role of stepmom is very hard. And to be honest, I do think it is a rare step parent who will love a stepchild the way they love thier own child.

But, as one who has been through it, and now has a grown up SD, it can be very good if, when the step child was growing up in the home, s/he was treated fairly and lovingly. I can say I truly love my SD and would go to great measures if she needed me to do something for her. And I think she would say the same towards me.

So hang in there......they are young now and won't give you the love and respect you crave (but frankly your own bio kids won't either when they are teens). But when they are older, you may find that you reap some wonderful rewards for what you are going through now.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2009 at 5:07PM
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I didn't mean this would happen over night and I am talking of small children. I have a step daughter who had 3 kids, two of them she would welcome home from school with hugs and the third one she would push away. I don't understand that at all. Small children need love and security more than anything in life. Teens need love and kindness to, but they are teens whether they are steps or not. It's something we hope they outgrow eventually. I know kindness pays off and I wouldn't want to live any other way. The biggest problem I have had to handle with older children has been money. Money turns them into someone you don't even know, it warps their thinking.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2009 at 7:58PM
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