Need Advice ASAP!

imagr8tma2April 29, 2010

BM has been taking 6 weekend visitations now for the past 6 months. Just not showing up, sending bogus reasons, and scheduling extracurricular activites on DH's weekends. Court order dictates DH gets 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends each month, with DH and BM drving 1.5 hours each way. (We live in VA and SD lives in NC). So DH and lawyer filed contempt charges. Court date will be in mid June.

QUESTION IS: DH is contemplating getting the police involved this weekend. BM has said she is not driving - so DH is thinking of driving the 3.5 hours to NC - going to the police station with the court order - and having them handle BM getting SD to DH for his visitation. The documentation from the police would just be added to the other documentation going to court for the contempt hearing. I don't think SD should be traumatized due to her mother's actions - but what other recourse does DH have?

Background Info: Last year BM filed false allegations of abuse against myself and DH to change visitation, driving arrangements and child support. She used a trauma counselor for SD and actually after no instances of abuse were found - BM told counselor in anger she filed the case because she did not want to drive. This was used in court last September 2009. AND DH was given more time with SD as a result (summer and visits through the year) plus BM has to sign and agreement to stop alienating DH and his family out of SD's life. This was also written in the court order to stop futher alienation, stop allowing 3rd parties to alienate, allow daily calls with child and to provide information on doctor, school, etc.

Since court in September 2009 - BM has taken 6 visitations beginning in Oct. (In Oct she claimed SD was too ill to travel got a doctor's note - then turned around and posted pictures the same day with the child outdoors in a tank top at a party - which we have the pics and the doctor's note). Since Oct she has taken visitation in Jan, Feb, Mar and April. DH has only seen SD one time this month - and was supposed to have 1, 3 and 5 weekends. BM already told DH she is not driving anymore this month right after the 1st weekend of the month. So that is two visits gone/taken this month alone. She lets him talk to the child sometimes and has not provided him any information in regards to school, doctor, or dance/cheerleading.....(DH calls around begging the folks for the information - so he can stay in tune with his daughter's activities - and when he or family from VA show up to the activities - she acts very nasty, rude and has pulled the child to keep her from spending time with her father or other family members.)

It is just sad to see this situation evolve into this. Fathers who are attempting to do what is right, paying their support, attempting to spend as much time with the child, attending their events, etc... should not have to suffer the relationship with the child due to the BM's feelings/attitude/wrong doings. It is just not right!

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I would get the police involved ONLY IF he drives the entire way and she refuses to allow the child to go. If she doesn't want to drive and he drives, then she should have no problem letting the child go. If she refuses to let the child go, then go to the police and ask them to enforce the order & document the incident. Then, when you end up back in court, she will have to explain why she is interfering in his time with his child.

As for transporting, I don't think it's fair but I do think if he really wants to see his child... drive the extra to go get her and bring her back. That removes the power struggle over the driving & lets SD know that daddy will go the extra mile for her because he wants to see her. If it's just about fighting with BM, then go back to court and file contempt on her for not doing her part of the driving... in the end, the kids will make up their minds about who did the right thing and whether it was for the child or themselves.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2010 at 12:44PM
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Thanks for the advice imamommy...... he was driving the entire distance to begin with. But now that SD has started school he can not get her until 630 pm on Fridays. AND BM will not release her until 630pm. Then he has to drive back to VA 3.5 hours. Then he will turn around and have to drive her back on Sunday getting her back by 400pm. He loses alot of his time to have activities with her doing that and BM complained SD was on the road too late on Fridays. When the court order states they both drive 1.5 hours on Friday and Monday. DH lives out of state. He used to live in Maryland but moved to VA to be closer.

DH has tried it all with BM - when he told her he would drive - then she started saying it was dance and cheerleading in the way of his visits. BM will not show up, answer the phone or any of that. AND the grandmother as well....... They have interfered already with his visits on a regular basis. (Just last week DH drove to SD's school left at 5am to be there by 9am for SD's 30 choir program. AND BM snatched SD out of there as soon as it was done - DH didn't even get to speak with SD at all...... That is just not right!) He has joint custody as well as visitation.

So he is at his wits end.... and feels like there is no other solution. DH has driven to the school, dance, and other events to see SD to have BM snatch her and not allow it. So I don't think he wants to fight with BM - I think he wants to see his daughter. She has been pulling these type things for 7 years now since SD was born. At some point DH has to fight with everything he has to see his daughter or BM will make it so he never gets to see her. AND their relationship (father - daughter) is too important for that to happen.

BM knows DH does not want the police involved really. He doesnot want her to be traumatized. ALL he asks her to do is follow the court order. Seems to me if DH was in contempt of the court order for the past 6 months - he would more than likely be in jail.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2010 at 1:06PM
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If it is not one excuse from BM to DH it is another as to why DH should not get his visits. It really leaves my husband no other choice but to enforce the court order or give up seeing his daughter becuase BM will not facilitate a positive relationship or follow the court order. DH has followed the court order - he has driven to the meeting location, pays his child support (more than ordered) each month, attempts to call, drives to the school from out of state, tries to go to the events from out of state - sometimes these events are lies - wasting time, money and energy, and has endured alot at this women's hands. The court order is there for a reason - and it is to be followed - unless there is a legal reason for not doing so. What else can he do.....? My husband loves his daughter and is hurt when BM does not allow him to see her. So it's not about fighting with BM - it is much more bigger than that - it is about a father being allowed to be a father to his daughter and un-justifiably being penalized by BM for whatever reason.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2010 at 1:12PM
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I hear ya! When my son was being exchanged, we had to meet halfway... if the parties are not amicable or considerate, it is the perfect opportunity to mess with each other.... showing up late, making the other wait... becomes a power struggle and things escalate. It doesn't work. and worse, if we had to call law enforcement, it was out of the jurisdiction of the courts where either of us lived.

With my SD, the courts have ordered 50/50 driving... so the parent spending the time with the child picks up. We also drive 3 hours to get SD from her mom's on Sundays... we get her at 6:30pm so we get home late on Sunday. It works out better to have an earlier time on Sunday if the custodial parent is picking up, but that's pretty unfair if the non custodial parent is expected to transport AND return her that early...

If you or he feel no other choice than to have a court change the order, ask for BM to pick up on Sunday at 4 or if DH has to bring her back, ask for 6 or 7pm so he can actually spend more time with her~ and if he has to do all the transporting, make sure he gets full credit for it in the child support calculations. But, I can say that the courts do not want to be bothered with bickering over minor issues... and who drives or being an hour late are usually considered minor BS that courts think parents should be able to overlook or iron out. Now, it's a much bigger issue if mom is planning activities on dad's time & being uncooperative... if he can prove it, she could lose custody.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2010 at 4:47PM
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Thanks Ima - Just gotta tell you - We have thought of any and everything to keep peace between DH and BM. They only communicate via email or text - no arguing in front of daughter, then it went to only talking about pertinent things to child support, meds, activites with being respectful and nothing has worked. DH offered to do the driving on Friday with BM coming to VA on Sunday - that was not acceptable to her. Then said screw it - DH will do the driving - and then came the activities that keep popping up every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends, holidays, and summer.

We have it documented each time she has claimed this from officials at these activites that either: SD is not signed up really, not participating, or it is actually another weekend (2nd and 4th). BM does not know this.

For instance: This weekend BM stated SD could not come cause of a dance competition 2 hours away from her. When DH called the dance company - that was cancelled weeks ago and rescheduled for 21 - 23 May - the mother's weekend. Got that faxed and emailed from the dance coach. However BM has made it clear she is not driving because of a dance competition. Which is a lie - but still refuses to drive.

This is one of the instances that DH has documented. These type actions on BMs part is why the judge put in the court order from Sept 2009 for her to cease alienating DH and SD. But she still continues to plan things on his weekends, lie about weekend plans, not drive at all, not allow DH to make up time she has taken..... none of it.

So basically DHs hands are tied. He didn't want to even attempt taking custody..... so he filed the contempt - to have her just follow the court order and allow him to see his daughter. But if this continues...... i don't think he will have any other choice. Even the counselor from last years case BM filed against us - told the judge BM is not amenable to follow the court order due to anger, jealousy of some sort and just not feeling as if she should have to. (of course it was is more fancier words). So DH is just stuck with having to go to court to get to see his daughter...... which is not what he wanted to have to do.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2010 at 5:02PM
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I would not make a big deal about her not wanting to drive. I personally am too tired at the end of the week and my car is too old so i would not be driving that far either.

But other things she does are unacceptable. scheduling activities on his days? wrong. he has to go to court and see what can be done legally.

is she 7? cheerleading at 7? huh? is mom making it all up?

    Bookmark   April 29, 2010 at 6:06PM
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I like the idea of having the parent who 'gets' the child be the one who does all of the driving that trip. So if Dad gets his DD for his regular visit, he drives all the way to BM's house to pick her up. BM wants her back? She has to drive to come get her. That's fair -- it's half the driving, and utterly consistent with the spirit of the court order.

It might also help to have a court-ordered consequence in place if the 'surrendering' parent is not in the agreed upon place at the time custody is supposed to switch. For example, something like a $50/hour (1 hour minimum) for 'left waiting' time starting after a 15 minute courtesy window.

At any case, I can see why he's TICKED -- but you two are playing smart, and I'm sure will prevail eventually...

For this weekend, I actually agree with having a peace officer notified and available if needed. More documentations... If he's really conflict-averse, another witness (not you) could provide the documentation, but not the enforcement...

    Bookmark   April 29, 2010 at 6:43PM
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What's wrong with cheerleading at 7? My dd does cheer.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2010 at 7:48PM
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BM states Sd has been signed up for cheerleading since Nov 2009.... DH has yet to hear about her cheering. He even drove in March to a supposed cheerleading event.... to find no one there.

DH does not live in state with his daughter - so driving almost four hours one way to an event that is a lie - is just down right wrong in my opinion.

I can guarantee if my DH did not pay his child support, or follow the court order - BM would have filed contempt or asked for him to be jailed. At some point, the courts have to make the court order put in place stand. It is there for a reason. He has joint custody and the court order stands. BM has attempted to have the court order changed twice in the past year - first by not wanting to drive at all - that was a no go. Then by filing bogus abuse charges to cease visitation - that was a no go.

Bottom line - both parents are to facilitate a positive relationship with the child. Both of them have joint custody. And like he has told her in the past - they did not remain together for whatever reasons.... it is not easy raising a child in the same household and will be harder in split households....however it is owed to SD to do what is in her best interest, follow the court orders, and remain as peaceful as possible. BM is now taking advantage of DH and is in contempt of the court order. The judge told her in September 2009 - to follow the court order, stop alienating DH and SD's relationship, allow him access to the child, provide information in regards to school, doctor's visits and the like. He also put in place BM is not to schedule events on DH's weekend, and not to allow 3rd parties to alienate DH as well.

After court BM had to sign a memorandum of understanding and agreement to follow the updated court order and she signed it Sept 9, 2009. The court order was changed because DH had documentation of her filing bogus charges, the counselor report, and other documents of her filing a false protective order stating he tried to kill her, lying about his daughter's medical conditions sending 8 meds when the doctor prescribe her 2 meds, not showing up for visits, and attempting to block last summer.

BM emailed him this year in Feb when he asked her to stop taking his visitation - that he nor a judge will run her house or anyone in her house. She will do as she pleases and that he can not make her drive, answer her phone, or give him anything. If he wanted this to be easy - then he should have just let her win in court instead of showing what she had done.

So I really think it is deeper than her not wanting to drive.... because after he offered to do the driving as in the beginning - she started claiming SD has extracurricular activites on his weekends. So she is really trying to just stop the relationship between DH and his daughter. Why - we are not sure and not even going to get into that discussion with her.

I wish it were that simple about just a drive - cause believe me - a drive is a simple fix to DH not seeing his daughter AND it is more than well worth him getting to spend the time with her. She (BM) is just taking the visitation for what ever her reasoning is..... Each time is time for his weekend - she has another excuse. AND i guess it is time for her to go before the judge and a remedy to be put in place to see her.

If things don't change - we will be moving to NC so that DH can see her more often or just visit at the school when BM is acting this way.

Thanks for all the advice ladies.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 9:02AM
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"She will do as she pleases and that he can not make her drive, answer her phone, or give him anything." Fabulous! That sounds like my DH's ex-wife; she told him recently that "I will just say F*** you to the judge". I suspect that that clever legal tactic is going to work out about as well for both of these women. Judges seem to not be really thrilled with parents who decide that court orders do not apply to them, especially after they've already violated them once and gotten a (basically) free pass.

It does sound like the drive itself is not the issue; I would hazard a guess that the issue is control. BM thinks it is HER daughter, and not DH, not you, and not the courts can tell her or even know what is best for her. So she will prove whatever she is proving to herself by just doing what she wants.

I think she is playing Russian Roulette; I know several men who ended up with primary custody of their kids because the BM's decided repeatedly that the court orders didn't apply to them.

If you're worried whether this is going to be traumatic to SD, sadly, yes it is. But living with a BM who won't let her see her Dad, who takes her to a trauma counselor when nothing is wrong, etc. is already traumatic for the poor kid. DH should not just disappear from daughter's life because it will be less stressful; it sounds like SD is really going to need some stable adults in her life.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 10:18AM
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"So I really think it is deeper than her not wanting to drive.... "

Oh absolutely! I'm under no illusions there.
She clearly wants to push Dad out of 'her' daughter's life altogether, then (most likely) blame Dad for 'abandoning' his daughter.

The reason I suggested the change in driving arrangements is only to help enforce it.
I should clarify -- I'd ask the court to require BM to surrender DD at the local police station in front of witnesses, and keep a log book documenting either compliance or non-compliance for the court to monitor. I'd also ask that the court predetermine what the penalty will be for non-compliance with the visitation order, since BM has a demonstrated history of ignoring the court's orders.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 10:53AM
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This is so sad. I think the problem with using the local police station, which is unfortunately what people do if they can not agree on anything, is it forces dad to do all the driving. I dont know who moved, generally I think parent who moved should be responsible for transportation, but if court ordered 50/50 that should be respected. I am not aware of anyone using long distance police station. Of course it could be dad picks up, and then moms goes to retrieve.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 11:03AM
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"Of course it could be dad picks up, and then moms goes to retrieve."

That's what I'd suggested -- so still splitting the driving in half.
And of course, it would be nice if they could agree on some place 'nice' (other than a police station) -- but you'd need something that's always open with witnesses deemed reliable...

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 3:25PM
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Someone once suggested using a conveince store, and buying something on your credit card as soon as you get there so you have proof you were there. Not as good as police station, but an idea.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 3:40PM
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nothing wrong, just never heard of girls that young, yes gymnastics or other sports not cheerleading. my bad. didn't know. who are they cheering for? not high school football team i hope. LOL I guess it shows I am clueless about this stuff

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 4:41PM
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FD - In the south, 'Cheerleading' is treated like a sport, combining gymnastics and dance (with a smattering of beauty pageant). There are teams and competitions that have absolutely no relationship to any school or sport. It's Big Business with parents spending hundreds per month in lessons, costumes, supplies and competitions.

The only time it really isn't a 'sport' is when it comes to college scholarships. A young girl I know was part of a national-championship cheer team and was recruited by a major university to cheer on their varsity squad as a freshman. Despite her strong academic qualifications, the heavy cheer practice schedule and all the recruiting efforts, NO scholarship money was offered! This school pays BIG scholarships for the football players, and if I'm not mistaken, Federal law (Title 9) requires an equal amount be spent on women's athletics. So who are they spending it on?

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 6:37PM
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Actually one of my DDs friends did get a cheer scholarship

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 8:38PM
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KK - You're kidding! Where?
If there's a university in the country that would value top cheerleaders, I'd have thought the one this girl went to woud be it...

    Bookmark   April 30, 2010 at 11:01PM
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Once again thanks for the infor and advice ladies. I really appreciate it. The weekend just got worse and worse with BM telling even more creative lies. DH ended up texting BM 4 hours before the scheduled pick time as the COURT STATES and told her that regardless of her feelings a court order is to be followed. Both of them work all week and this was no excuse, dance was cancelled (which she would have had to drive further for over 2.5 hours versus 1.5 hours each way).

BM responded with SD got suddenly ill at lunch at school, had breathing problems and ring worm. She was taking her to the doctor and would not be driving. WELL, DH called the school - AND to his dismay - SD was still right at school. When the teacher called back she said SD was doing well and no signs of illness at all, DH became distraught that BM would lie on SD's condition just to not have to drive.

Well BM played this lie out all the way. Stating SD had to have breathing treatments at the hospital every 4 hours and she needed money for the prescriptions she would be getting. WHEN DH TOLD HER HE WAS ON HIS WAY DOWN TO NC TO SEE SD SINCE SHE WAS SO ILL.... SHE HUNG UP ON HIM AND CUT OFF HER PHONE. THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS.

So now DH is on the phone with the lawyer.... this is going too far at this point. A legal remedy has to be made to allow DH to see his daughter.

The bottom line is that a court order is to be followed regardless of BMs or DHs feelings. She is still alienating DH from his child and attempting to destroy their relationship. She can be upset about a drive all she likes, she can be upset DH is still in his daughter's life all she like..... She can do as many hateful things as she chooses - but the court order still stands. AND she can tell the judge her feelings and reasons why after she was just ordered to stop this bullcrap in Sept 2009.

To answer the other questions in the blog.....

- BM moved away from Maryland to North Carolina with SD to be closer to family. DH then after doing all the driving 5.5 hours one way - moved to Virginia to be closer to SD.

- There is rec league cheerleading or (cheer/dance) where SD is in NC. DH has no problem with this - as long as it does not interfere with his visitation or the time is made up.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 9:30AM
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That's horrible. Almost Munchausen syndrome by proxy? Or is this just plain old manipulation...

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 9:46AM
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Unreal. If it were not so sad, it would be pretty funny. BM declaring DD so ill , treatments inhospital every 4hours, all the while DD is sitting in classroom and perfectly fine via her teacher on the phone.

What does BM tell a judge with that kind of documentation sitting in front of judge? Oops?

Drives hours to event to find no event? It just never ends with this BM and being she's already been scolded by courts, I can't think she's going to get much pity from the judge on this most recent stunt.

Is the poor kid aware of the games Mom is playing? I guess I'm partly hoping child is blissfully unware of all the crap going on around her, otherwise she may think really bad of BM keeping her from her dad someday. Yet, on the other hand, hoping she knows dad is doing all he can to see her...does she know how hard her dad tries to see her or does she think dad just does'nt bother to show up for her on her weekends she should be going to him?

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 9:58AM
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Silversword: I tend to think it is just plain old manipulation. I hope she is not suffering with Munchausen - cause then it will be never ending for SD dealing with the stuff her mom pulls.

JustMeToo: Sad to say but SD is aware of what BM pulls. When she comes with DH - he has been told of the plans BM has and the things she tells SD. DH and I and his family try to make sure SD knows that she is loved by her DAD and Family in VA. We basically do not want her thinking ill of her mother and we are not going to "bad mouth" her mom either. I think that would add to the damage that is being done. The judge is the best place for letting those actions be known. BUT it is extremely hard on DH. That is why he makes sure he drives to her school, dance events and other events (when it is truthfully happening) We all attend - the extended family....driving 3.5 hours one way.... to make sure SD knows that no matter what any one tells her that she is loved by her dad.

I am just praying that this situation will get better for DH and his daughter soon. It is so hurtful to see my DH cry and hurt because BM has issues.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 11:24AM
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What did the lawyer say?

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 2:39PM
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Lawyer is added the new dates to the contempt paperwork, and adding a motion for change of custody. I don't think custody will switch hands - but if it is discussed maybe it will wake BM up to realize it is important for her to help facilitate a positive relationship between DH and SD.

At the rate - DH may not see his daughter until he is supposed to get her for his summer visitation in June. She sent him an email this afternoon outlining the activities she has planned for each weekend in May beginning with 7 May until 29 May. Then finished it with DH gets 5 weeks this summer and he will have the time then to make up anything he missed in the way of visitation during the year. She has been taking almost at least one visit per month since Oct. Oct - 1 visit, Jan - 1 visit, Feb - 1 visit, Mar - 1 visit, April - 2 visits, now May - 2 visits..... Court order states DH is to receive the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends of the month. In the grand scheme of things... there are 30 - 31 days a month - we are only talking 5 - 7 days a month DH gets to see SD. The other days BM has SD. I guess DH getting to be with his daughter for that small amount of time is too much for BM....

I am just amazed at how brazen BM is....... However, I am interested to see if her attitude changes when she is served with the court date paperwork. I am sure then she will be more inclined to understand the COURT ORDER was to be followed and will be attempting to get DH to drop the case.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 3:59PM
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i wonder if she tells SD that dad does not want to see her

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 6:22PM
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I think it might be best to be prepared in case DH does get custody. I'm not sure how custody changes work but I really don't think that the judge will be amused by her continued blatant disregard for the court order. And, since she has shown that she is willing to defy the court, I don't know that the judge might not decide that it is best to change custody ASAP. I just think it might be prudent to have a contingency plan of day-care, etc. just in case.

How is DH planning to handle the weekends in May? What will happen if he just responds that he is sorry that they made plans, it is his weekend, that he plans to exercise his visitation, and just shows up at meeting point? I realize that she probably won't be there but how long has it been since she has let him see his daughter?! Since the beginning of April?

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 9:49PM
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Mattie - He has responded to her each time she pulls this crap that he is not willing to give up the time... however she still does not show. So DH documents it by purchasing an item from the court ordered location when he arrives and then again when he leaves.

You have made a good point. I think I will let DH know that as a contingency plan - we should look at our local school, daycare, doctor's office etc. I highly doubt it will be needed but then being prepared will not hurt either.

He has seen her once a month since basically Oct and then not again since the beginning of April. As far as the May visits go - he responded he is not giving up his time and he expects to see his daughter on his weekends as the court order states. I doubt she will show.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 11:01PM
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FD I bet you any money that BM is saying that to SD.

When my SD's were younger BM used that tactic a lot. Well, she still does now, but it does get harder once kids get older because they can pick up phone themselves now / have a mobile phone etc etc.

I remember when SD turned 8 and FDH had asked BM if he could see SD9 on birthday. BM said No she had plans ALL day. Then FDH tried to ring SD on the day, no answer and no message bank. He tried several times throughout the day. Did not get to speak to SD.
At 8.30pm the phone rang and to our surprise it was SD. She was upset and near tears. She wanted to know why FDH forgot her birthday.. She said that BM would have let her come over for dinner, if only FDH had remembered. And now it was too late because it was bedtime :-(

Nasty stuff. Angry parents do awful things.

Imag8 I hope things will go well for you guys in court. It is time this lady gets sorted out. Good luck

    Bookmark   May 3, 2010 at 11:13PM
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Thanks Yabber..... We are experiencing that type of crap from BM right now as we speak. DH has a great relationship with teacher via email and telephone calls - as we live out of state. She (the teacher) emailed him yesterday that SD mentioned that DH has some african attire for her to wear at her program next week... but BM say DH is to "sorry" to send it with her. SD's statement upset the teacher so she emailed DH to let him know the program is next Tuesday.

SO - DH and I will be driving to the school for the program at 945 am, to ensure SD has her african attire. DH could not give it to SD cause he has not seen her to give it to her - BM has been withholding visitation and interferring with it as well. Besides we don't want BM throwing it away - as it was a gift from SD's grandmother's mission trip to Africa.

Stuff like that is just terrible. I would never imaging telling a kid their parent is "sorry" or not. Whatever happened to caring more about your kids feelings then bashing the other parent in their face. Geez! Never the less. . . . . we will be there at that program taping it. I am sure BM will suck her teeth, blow her breath and snatch SD from seeing "personal" time with her dad. But at least SD will know he was there and bought her "african attire" there for her to wear proudly.

I agree Yabber - the court (judge) needs to get her sorted out. and you are right ANGRY parents do awful things..... but don't realize their precious children are gifts from God that they should not want to harm intentionally or un-intentionally. If the other parent is doing what is right for the kid - let go of your anger, jealousy and bitterness. The kid is what is most important.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2010 at 12:43PM
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How disgusting. You know, I would have some tiny amount of sympathy for a woman who got pregnant to some deadbeat, and just never even told him that she was pregnant at all. I know it is the wrong thing, but at least I could understand her thinking that she would just raise her child on her own. But to expect Dad to be nothing but a cash cow (or cash bull) and badmouth him to the child is just sickening.

I don't know how the judges down there are; up here, they tend to take a very dim view of repeated defiance of court orders. They may not care if BM screws over DH repeatedly, but now they may view it as her trying to screw them as well, and BM really, really doesn't want to get into a power struggle with the judge. Guaranteed the judge will win, one way or the other. They may just threaten her and give her another chance, but didn't they just do that less than a year ago?

imagr8tma2, are you OK with the possibility that DH may suddenly be custodial parent? It may be a lot of changes for you (or not, I'm not sure if you have any kids now). You might want to quietly start thinking about how you would divide day to day tasks and such while you are coming up with contingency plans.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2010 at 6:35PM
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Imag8 have you got a copy of Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak? This is the book for you. It's got really good advice on how to deal with alienation/bashing by other parent. Also good advice for when you consider going to court so it's a must for you! For example there's good advice on what type of psychologist you want to get involved if there is an evaluation. And how to find the right one, which is very important since not all counselors are trained in this area. (And THAT, we experienced first hand, what a nightmare..)

"ANGRY parents do awful things..... but don't realize their precious children are gifts from God that they should not want to harm intentionally"

I don't know your BM's motives/intentions, but in our situation I suspect BM has mental disorder called BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. Because of this she truly does not see what she's doing to her own kids. So it's not with a bad intention, but the result is the same nevertheless.

The biggest fear of a person with BPD is fear of abandonment, real or perceived abandonment. They'll go pretty far to try and hold on to people around them.

I believe our BM withholds kids or interferes with our time mainly for this reason. She constantly needs to prove to herself that the kids want to be with her. She gets extremely controlling because of it which is very hard on the kids too. And it drives us up the wall which sometimes causes tense moments, something we try and avoid but it can be so hard. BM wears the kids out, and us too.

Do you think that you are dealing with a vindictive ex or might there be a different problem? Whatever the reason, Divorce Poison is helpful, buy the book!


    Bookmark   May 4, 2010 at 11:05PM
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Mattie - to answer your question..... We have thought about if there was to be a switch in custody. I am fine with it. I just want my little SD where she can have some peace on a daily basis and not be thrown in the middle of this mess her mother is causing. I do have a daughter who is 14 - who's father was not involved in her life for years. We divorced when she was 2... and he just walked away. Now 12.5 years later he is trying to get his life together - so i purchased my BD a cell phone and got her an email account - so she can talk to her father. He is supposed to come and see her this summer - so I will let her see him and be involved with her dad - no matter if he has always been right or not - he is still her father. It is more important for me - for my daughter to know her father and have her questions answered by him - then to be upset with his past actions. He has to answer for those things to his daughter.

Yabber: You know I dont have that book - but from what you say it may be worth us getting it and reading it. We don't have a clue what BM's issues are. DH tries not to argue with her, I refuse to argue with her about anything, we attempt to remain as peaceful as possible with the bull she pulls - mainly because there is a little girl thrown in the middle - and someone has to be stable in her life - and the other reason is because it is just not worth arguing with her. Fighting with her in my opinion will only make it worse - or feed into more hateful acts on her part.

But now her actions have gotten progressively worse since the court case last Sept when the judge ordered her to stop this foolishness. My guess is that she just does not like the fact that she has to follow the court order. She has emailed DH before that no one will tell her what to do. So i am not sure if there is anything other than maybe someone who is angry and wants to get their way.

If i had to take a guess, I would say may a vindictive ex with problems handling their anger - or a child who was so spoiled growing up - that still thinks she is supposed to have everything her way and the way she likes it.

My husband thinks it might some jealousy as well.... of what i don't know but that's his opinion.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2010 at 9:44AM
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"I like the idea of having the parent who 'gets' the child be the one who does all of the driving that trip. So if Dad gets his DD for his regular visit, he drives all the way to BM's house to pick her up. BM wants her back? She has to drive to come get her. That's fair -- it's half the driving, and utterly consistent with the spirit of the court order. "

Ditto. Now, we live within 30 mins of BM, but still---the court ordered that whichever parent is BEGINNING their custody period does the pick-up. 95% of the time the drop-offs/pick-ups are done at school, but during the summer and on the rare day off from school, that's how it is done.

This summer they will do a week by week schedule and if DH is beginning his week, he will pick up. Then the following week BM will pick him up.

Your BM sounds like a manipulative nightmare. Ours is very similar. I can promise you, she is telling SD terrible things about you and her daddy, and will continue to do so. Divorce Poison is a good book that can help you get a grasp on what's going on and how to diffuse the situation---and how to fight fair without gettin' in the gutter with her!

    Bookmark   May 5, 2010 at 1:27PM
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