Yesterday DH took SS to a counselor who specializes in families and addiction/substance abuse.
She was GREAT and I do know people personally who have used her and found her to be extremely resourceful and helpful.
It sounds like it was very productive. First of all, the counselor had DH tell SS the truth about what makes his mom act like that. She said there can be no sugarcoating and that he needs to understand that his mom is sick with a disease called alcoholism; they also formulated a plan for what SS can do if he is ever afraid to get in a car with his mom, or just afraid at all.
It came out that BM asked SS to not talk about what happened and the counselor dismissed that quickly. She told him there can be no secrets and that he should ALWAYS feel free to talk to grownups about anything that is scary to him, etc.
She also talked about the lying and how he really needs to work on that. DH said she really drove it home with him--that he HAS to be truthful because when he makes stories up, it doesn't do anything good and just gets everyone angry and upset.
Let's see...she touched a bit on self esteem and said she wants him every night to think of 3 things that he likes about himself, and to say them out loud with either me, DH or BM. :)
Soooo...SS is off school today and DH dropped him off at BM's house this AM. Almost immediately she called DH and he spoke with her. SS had told her about the meeting with the counselor and BM was very angry. (to me--this just shows she is NOT addressing her issues---she is still in accusatory/blaming mode.) She asked DH point blank if he was trying to take SS away from her and he said YES, I am seeking temporary full custody until you get some HELP. She got very angry and told him that she saw a psychiatrist this week and is on a new medication and she went to an AA meeting and she doesn't understand why DH can't just "let her do this on her own, without the courts."
DH just told her that he hopes she WILL get better and that's great if she's taking steps to get better---but that for his son's sake, he HAS to do this through the legal system so that there are measures to ensure his safety and to ensure that there will be consequences if BM doesn't quit drinking.
At this point, DH has NO REASON to believe or trust anything she says. Sure, today she wants to quit drinking, and that's great...but who will protect SS if she starts up again tomorrow?