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lovehadleyApril 10, 2009

Yesterday DH took SS to a counselor who specializes in families and addiction/substance abuse.

She was GREAT and I do know people personally who have used her and found her to be extremely resourceful and helpful.

It sounds like it was very productive. First of all, the counselor had DH tell SS the truth about what makes his mom act like that. She said there can be no sugarcoating and that he needs to understand that his mom is sick with a disease called alcoholism; they also formulated a plan for what SS can do if he is ever afraid to get in a car with his mom, or just afraid at all.

It came out that BM asked SS to not talk about what happened and the counselor dismissed that quickly. She told him there can be no secrets and that he should ALWAYS feel free to talk to grownups about anything that is scary to him, etc.

She also talked about the lying and how he really needs to work on that. DH said she really drove it home with him--that he HAS to be truthful because when he makes stories up, it doesn't do anything good and just gets everyone angry and upset.

Let's see...she touched a bit on self esteem and said she wants him every night to think of 3 things that he likes about himself, and to say them out loud with either me, DH or BM. :)

Soooo...SS is off school today and DH dropped him off at BM's house this AM. Almost immediately she called DH and he spoke with her. SS had told her about the meeting with the counselor and BM was very angry. (to me--this just shows she is NOT addressing her issues---she is still in accusatory/blaming mode.) She asked DH point blank if he was trying to take SS away from her and he said YES, I am seeking temporary full custody until you get some HELP. She got very angry and told him that she saw a psychiatrist this week and is on a new medication and she went to an AA meeting and she doesn't understand why DH can't just "let her do this on her own, without the courts."

DH just told her that he hopes she WILL get better and that's great if she's taking steps to get better---but that for his son's sake, he HAS to do this through the legal system so that there are measures to ensure his safety and to ensure that there will be consequences if BM doesn't quit drinking.

At this point, DH has NO REASON to believe or trust anything she says. Sure, today she wants to quit drinking, and that's great...but who will protect SS if she starts up again tomorrow?

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one time going to AA meeting won't fix her, she needs more than that, DH needs to get full custody and SS has to live with him, the scarriest part is driving drunk wiht child in a car. glad that session went well and SS is getting help that he needs. make sure DH doesn't back off (because she went one time to AA, roll my eyes here) and presents facts abotu trying to drive drunk and punching you in a face in front of the child. Document everything she says and does. this woman is dangerous.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2009 at 2:01PM
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She would need to make restitution to you before I'd even consider her to be healed. That means apologizing for hitting you, for making a scene in your home, in your neighborhood. Apologizing for putting you in the awkward position of having to prevent her child from going with her because you feared for his life, enough that you "mama bear-ed up" and put your body in front of her even though it injured you, in order to prevent her from hurting her own child, or herself.

Until she acknowledges what she has done she is not ok. She is the one who put her son in the position of needing to talk to someone, not you.

If she really went to AA and internalized it she would realize she is not healed until she goes through the steps. Sounds like she's not there yet.

The first of 12 Steps:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2009 at 2:28PM
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She is mad because she knows it is true. She is afraid her dirty laundry will be aired. The truth about her problem is going to be talked about by her son. All his secrets that she has sweared him to uncovered. She is about to crap herself right now. I will bet you odds that the next thing she will be treating suicide. She will pretend to get help cry the blues like no other. None her fault, poor little me. Dont for get all you hear is BLAH BLUH BLAH. You and your husband need to stick to your plan and even if she looks like she is doing better, the damage is done keep plowing ahead. She will cycle back around to the same old crap. Know that it is a cycle.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2009 at 4:07PM
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Sounds like she is going to need to hit rock bottom before she can make a move to get better. Do you feel she's reached that point yet? Document, document, document! And as hard as it may be, make sure someone has an up close conversation with her before SS gets in a vehicle with her if possible. If she appears intoxicated or smells of alcohol, call the police immediately. Then perhaps you can get an emergency order for sole custody until something permanent can be put in place. Letting her know your intentions may or may not be enough to kick start her recovery for fear of losing her child altogether. Is her bond with SS strong enough to prompt her to "fight" for her son, otherwords fight the addiction? I think that I would let her know that regardless of what has happened in the past, that both you and your DH support her in her recovery efforts but that is where the support ends until she gets clean. In the meantime, you will do what you have to do ensure your SS well-being. Maybe you can convince her that without having the extra responsibilty of SS, it will give her the time to clean up her act for not only her son, but for herself. I pray she is strong enough to follow through for your SS sake.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2009 at 8:02PM
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LH, she's gone to one meeting and the psychologist as a protective measure for herself because of what she did to you in front of her son and the police were involved. ITs still all about her.
She went to one AA meeting...big need to go for MONTHS! you need to ADMIT you are an alcoholic...shes not admitting it...she's not changed and she wont for a while.
I think you guys are doing the right thing for temporary full custody after her behaviour ANd continue taking your ss to the councilor. Now that mom knows you are doing that she will feel you are underminign her control over her son and she will begin feeding him info and trying to control him through guilt and fear. He must continue to see the councilor...maybe even more than once a week until he can firmly establish that his mom is not in control and that his mom can not strike fear in him. Its to build his selfconfidence and not learn to lie like his mother.
Alcoholism is not just a physical addiction. Its a mental addiction of denial and hiding and running away of problems. Drowning yourself to hide psychological pain. Low esteem of this person. It takes ALOT of time to stop this addition and to reprogram your brain.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2009 at 8:03AM
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"Alcoholism is not just a physical addiction. Its a mental addiction of denial and hiding and running away of problems. Drowning yourself to hide psychological pain. Low esteem of this person. It takes ALOT of time to stop this addition and to reprogram your brain."

worth repeating :)

    Bookmark   April 12, 2009 at 12:28AM
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