SDs-Dramatic attitude changes

parent_of_oneApril 25, 2011

Sorry, long....

SDs (primarily OSD) were having really big attitude change towards SO.

SO is very hands-on involved loving father, he was always there for the kids. I only knew him since Sds were already adults but SDs themselves told me he was this way when they were young too.

SO paid both SDs college tuition in full (OSD undergrad and grad, YSD undergrad). YSD went to school after divorce already so he was the only one who paid everything, BM refused to contribute.

He also paid things that are not typical in my opinion, such as their vacations, trips, clothes, cars, pets, pretty much everything one can think of.

I always thought it is ridiculous, but not my problem...

Well in between all of that BM became filthy rich, won't share details but so rich that she does nto have to work anymore and can lead lavish life style and it changed everything, until recently SDs barely talked to their mother and now everything changed, now OSD barely acknowledges she has a father...

Anyways starting last year SO started to gradually minimize his financial involvement with them. OSD is married and they both make good money but he's been paying for their vacations as well as airplane tickets. Last year OSD and YSD went with us on vacation and OSD asked if dad would want to take them on a cruise next year because that's what her in-laws do every year and they take OSD.

SO politely said that he will need to start saving more for old age plus he is afraid to lose his job and is afraid to spend lavishly, so he won't be taking them on vacations unless they pay their share. He will be visiting them of course as he always did. SD was not too happy...

Now OSD and YSD spends every vacation with BM or go on vacations paid by BM or go with OSD's in-laws.

Also SDs used to come home every few months if not more often, every holiday, every long weekend, and ask SO to pay for the tickets, he also paid for OSD's DH's ticket.

Now he said that he finds it difficult to continue paying for the tickets that often. now OSD does not visit AT ALL (since dad does not buy her a ticket)and when SO wants to visit he never can because BM is visiting EVERY holiday. We did go there for Christmas but were treated poorly and SO was very hurt...

Now BM promised to buy OSD a house, and generally she spends huge amounts of money on both Sds as of this year. YSD did not really change, just a bit, but OSD now barely talks to her dad. Never calls, if he calls she is not returning his phone calls.

SO left OSD and her DH several messages 3 days on a row now (OSD is expecting and is due any time and he is concerned they don't answer phone calls) and they NEVER called back even though he kept saying he worries. Then YSD said "dad, how could you expect them to call you back when mom is visiting?." WTF! When i visit DD and her dad calls, sure she would answer the phone call!

Of course none of this should concern me. But SO is very upset and hurt all the time and he is also embarrassed because he knows I see it and other people as well. He talks about it all the time, but I keep quiet. I know he created monsters. Funny thing, they are the ones creating all this, yet i am the one who has to listen to him complaining, not them!

Also SO's mother is very ill, her cancer came back and she is truly struggling, she just had a difficult surgery and is undergoing chemo. SO hired a private live-in nurse to be with his mother during the day. Neither SD even ask how grandma is doing, they don't give a damn! For the last 3 days grandma had a crisis, and SDs cannot call back because they have BM visiting!

I don't even ask for advice because it is not really my battle... But funny thing I knew that's how his spoiling them was going to end up...Just sad, awfully sad...

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I was going to say PO1... I rarely see a post from you! Lol and it does look like dad has created these little monsters. If it at all makes you feel any better -- my mom and brother are fighting bc he never asks about my grandma. She is living with my parents and in poor health and he has never bothered to ask how she is and my mom called him out on it. Needless to say, it didn't go well lol he has an entitled attitude and if it's not about him, then you won't get AnY love from him... And if you don't tell him daily how awesome he is, you will regret it. But I still love him! Lol

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 8:54PM
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There was really nothing new happening myfampg, so I haven't been posting new threads. SDs and DD are all adults so there are no major issues to report, but once in awhile something comes up.

After 4 days of not responding OSD sent a brief text, of course not asking about grandma, just a brief reply about her pregnancy. SO asked if he can actually talk (he is bad with texting) and she said "no, BM is visiting, and I cannot talk". WTF?

OSD was always very entitled but she never had such horrible attitude with dad, in fact she was overly attached, like 2 phone calls a day, constant visits etc insisting he and her go on vacations together (just 2 of them), excessive. But as soon as BM became wealthy and SO stopped being a wallet it all abruptly changed.

My issue is with SO nagging about it...Today I got fed up and told him to address it with SDs directly, not bug me about it. He is afraid to upset them so it is OK to upset me with constant complains about them.

At least your mom addresses issues with your brother, SO is terrified to address anything with SDs.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 9:56PM
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Actually she is terrified to address issues with him but it came to a head because he called to complain how my kids get everything from my parents and his kids get nada which is such bull. My parents are disgustingly fair with all 10 of their grandkids. My kids just Happen to be grateful and love all over my parents where my brothers kids don't even say thank you. So my mom kind of flew off the handle this once... And she has Been calling and calling to make up and he is making her stick with it and is refusing to talk to her, even deleted her from Facebook. She is just miserable bc she just loves him so much. I can't even imagine treating my mom with such disrespect. She gave me this life, I can never repay her enough for being my mom.

You know where to go to vent ... We love to hear vents lol sure takes away from my daily anguish and annoyances to see that I'm not the only one. Lol

I'm glad you said something to SO. I think that if he has beef he needs to have it with the correct person not beat you to death with it -- when you can't do anything about it. So it doesn't get better once their grown huh?

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 12:01AM
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Dad is likely pretty confused as to what happened to make this sudden change. It has to be hurting him or he would not be nagging PO1 24/7 about it. Not that PO1 wants to listen to it on and on...but it might help you a bit, PO1 if you think of it as he feels so comfortable and close to you that he can share his inner most feeling with you. Now, if you could just get him to not droan on and on...

Being PO1 usually has a pretty strong opinion here, it's gotta be a lot of tongue bitting just to 'listen' and not let loose with your thoughts and opinion of the whys and hows.

I would not of thought adult children could be so thoughtless and cruel and so wrapped up into themselves that they are oblivious to reality until I personally witnessed it myself. My Mom's long time SO just passed away the end of February. It's been all I can do not to absolutely cut loose on his daughter. I'm just amazed at how clueless (and heartless) that creature is. Sure, I guess the guy raised her a spoiled brat, but I can't help thinking at what point does this daughter not become responsible for her own actions and decisions.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 8:31AM
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Ugh, PO1, SDs sound like they are lacking in moral fiber.

I don't understand this whole "afraid to say anything because it will upset them" thing. That's not a relationship, that's a hostage situation! I feel badly for SO but you are right - he helped create the situation and it is not fair to cry to you about it all the time.

I do not understand people that act like they are little princesses when they are adults. I know some people's families help them financially a lot longer in life than others but you'd think at some point (I don't know, maybe when you are going to be a parent yourself?!) that you'd feel that barring emergencies it was time for you to act like an adult.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 8:49AM
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I know, Mattie. Princesses my $ss. The daughter of Mom's SO is pushing late 50's. She's livid she has to share what very little is left of her father's estate with her deceased brother's children. She's livid and in total denial about what little there actually is to begin with...his house was in reverse mortgage because tthrough the years her dad had borrowed off it to give her money and help her build a house. She honestly is clueless. She had no idea the guy only made it through the last 15 yrs as it is because my mother paid large shares of his medications and heating bills blah blah. The brat has announced my mother must have 'stolen' all her daddy's money. Not true and all Mom has done for him has been long documented and legally acknowledged with paper trails so all this daughter is doing is blowing hot air...but still. And, no, nothing my mother did for him is being turned in. Mom did what she did because she wanted to and even the little IOUs in the safe Mom has showed the lawyer but will not collect on...she does not want to, does not need the money. She more or less let SO make out the IOUs to let him keep some pride and to show a legal paper trail of how things really were, she knew what it would be like in the end.

My mother just had breast cancer surgery, Mom just does not need this monster and all her chaos right now. Why the girl's father did not straight up tell this daughter the reality of it all for all these years is beyong me. One of the last changes he made was to include my sister as co-executive of his estate so my sister could be the one to deal with it and spare my mother the total process of sorting and dealing the final steps of process.

Daughter was the main reason Mom and SO never married, no way was Mother going to be wrapped up with this daughter. They never shared any of Mom's accounts, titles to anything or the whatnot as it was just not in Mother's best interest. Mom is self supporting, has far more money and assests than SO ever had and had the sense to keep it that way.

The kicker for me is his daughter lived one and a 1/2 blocks down the road from her father and would go months and months with no word from her. Several times the guy fell using the bathroom during the night and if Mom called her for 'help' daughter would not pick up phone and would not even acknowledge later the voice messages. Said 'oh, never got any of that, must be my darn phone'. But as soon as he would be hospitalized here she would come playing concerned daughter. She wiped out one bank account and had an auctioneer check out his home during one hospital stay about seven years ago. Then she blew a gasket when she learned her father shut her out and changed his will and gave power of attorney for health and money matters/decisions out of her control.

Brat cried on my shoulder at his visitation, sobbing 'I just don't know what happened, I guess I just got busy in my own life'.

Sorry, PO1, don't mean to hijack your thread, but I think there may be similar chaos ahead for your SO (not maybe the money issues but the treatment and attitudes) and I'm just telling you how things turned out with my mother's SO's little princess.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 10:05AM
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Sometimes someone says something that is so profound and concise and perfect.

"That's not a relationship, that's a hostage situation!"

Rinse. Repeat.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 10:50AM
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Justmetoo, dad is not confused, he knows exactly what happened, that's why he is so hurt. He pulled financial plug out, and BM became wealthy and started shelling money, and he finally started saying NO on occasion, like NO to going just two of them on vacations without me, No to spending thousands on gifts etc And everything went upside down...

I do not speak poorly of SDs to him and I do listen but I offer him very direct solutions: ask SD directly what's going on, tell her directly how you feel etc I tell him examples of what I do: I tell DD directly what bothers me, I don't mind him complaining or sharing, that's what partners are for, yet I believe he needs to address it with them AND complain to me. He chooses to do nothing as to not upset them.

Yes mattie, it is a hostage situation. In the past when BM did not pay the money or said what she thought, OSD would not talk to her, so SO actually told me he is afraid that would happen to him.

He also always knew that OSD is very materialistic, and he cultivated it by going over the top.

LOL Myfampg, you know what they say "small kids small problems".

justmetoo, yes your story sounds familiar...OSD refused to help with BM's parents and didn't even go to say final goodbyes and didn't attend funeral, yet when they passed she was mad BM got huge inheritance and SD got none.

I always knew how it is going to be with OSD, I just knew from everything what was going on, all the demands......

SO is so mad now that he says he won't go see a baby when it comes, I told him baby has nothing to do with it. I actually think he would start the same sick spoiling with grandkids as he did with his kids...Oh boy...

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 4:46PM
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