Resenting boyfriend and his child.. advice appreciated!
Lately I've been really confused with my current relationship and came across this forum while googling to see if there's anyone out there going through a situation similar to mine.
I've been with my current boyfriend a little over a year, i'm 23, he's 32.. with a 13 year old son. When we first got together, this didn't bother me at all. I admired how great of a father he was (gets his son 2 days a week) and was thrilled after a few months of being together when he included me in these days. We always seemed to have a great time and his son seemed really happy that his dad was finally with someone who enjoyed the same things... bike rides, mud runs, snowboarding etc. (Apparently, the few girls in his past did not really actively engage with his son and just hung out watching tv). So for a while, everything was great. And then his son became jealous. Of course, my boyfriend was pretty unaware of any of this. Long story short, eventually every moment that the three of us are together his son is now joined at his hip. If I hold my boyfriends hand, his 13 year old son holds his other. If I sit beside him on the couch, and his son is on the other couch.. he gets up and moves to the other side of him. If i lay my head on his shoulder, he lays his head on his shoulder. My boyfriend feels guilty for not being in his life full time and he feels as though he's abandoned his son. I guess it's just hard for me because everything was going so well and now it's taken a 180 and i'm not sure how to deal with it. I avoid spending time with the 3 of them at all costs and resent him. I refuse to spend my time with them when I feel like it's a fight for attention. I'm not fighting for anyones attention and when i don't I feel like i don't even exist.. that i'm just there. So instead I avoid the situation. I've expressed these feelings to my boyfriend and in his defense he has tried to make it better, however what do you do? Tell your son to stop holding your hand? I honestly don't know the answer. Tell him to sit on the other couch? I mean what do you do in this situation? I don't want to upset the son and make him angry but I feel that his behavior is unacceptable at his age. It's not like his father is ignoring him or leaving him in the living room to go in another room with me. We're doing things TOGETHER and he's getting plenty of attention, it's just not enough and i don't know how much more of this I can take. No matter how hard I try I can't get over the fact that he's already experienced getting married and already had a child and ill never get to experience those firsts. I try and try and try to get over it and keep hoping that with time, I will be able to get past this. However, as time goes on and the situation between the three of us continues to get worse I feel as though my outlook and optimism is fading away. I know he's a good father, I just can't help but wish the situation was different and resent him for being in the situation he is. And i know that is beyond unfair to him and if I'm going to be in a relationship I need to accept him for who he is and understand that his son will be a part of our lives forever, but I cant. And that's where I need help! In addition, about 6 months ago, I found out he was STILL MARRIED to his son's mother. I found this out from one of his good friends, not from him. And immediately had a huge problem with it. He married her when she got pregnant (they were both fresh out of highschool and he said he was trying to do the right thing). He said he felt as though she trapped him because she didn't want him to leave her. He stayed with her until his son was about 8 and finally left her(claims he never really loved her or felt how he feels about me with any other women before, he just felt like he was doing the right thing by staying with her even though he was miserable for the sake of his son) She just recently got in another relationship, however before then, she was trying her hardest always to get back with him. Of course, when I found out they were still married I insisted it get taken care of immediately. Of course, he says it doesnt mean anything, it never ment anything, it's just a piece of paper. He hasen't done it because it's just expensive and if it doesnt mean anything blah blah. I dont care, it's unacceptable. And he did see a lawyer right away and has gotten this taken care of. Regardless, this still bothers me. Additionally, I think his ex is a piece of crap. He pays substantial child support to her, which I feel that she uses just for herself. My boyfriend pays for EVERYTHING for his son. His school lunch, his clothes, school supplies, health insurance, doctor bills...EVERYTHING. And sure, that's what a great dad would do and I applaud him for stepping up to the plate.. but what I don't agree with is that he pays her so much money and I feel like she only uses it for herself, for trips for her and her now boyfriends and for going out and partying on days his son is away. She doesn't use that money to support her son. My boyfriend also, up until last month when i stepped in and said enough still payed his ex's car insurace ($145 a month). He again claims he feels bad that he abandoned his family and just didn't want to fight so did what he felt was right. He says up until me he had no reason to have more money and no reason to save. All of this is becoming an issue because recently he moved in with me and can barely afford half of the bills. This frustrates me because I feel like instead of supporting me and a future with me, he's still supporting his ex. His defense is he has to pay her what he pays her by law and what not, i see that.. however it bothers me that what he's paying her is not bettering their son, but her. She also doesn't even have him that much! My boyfriend gets his son 2 days a week and at least 2 or 3 of these days, he's staying with my boyfriends mom. So she really only has him 2 or 3 days a week as well! Which again, drives me crazy because all this child support he's paying and she's not supporting her child! I guess I just would like to hear if anyone's experiencing or has experienced what i'm going through and how they dealt with it. The hardest part for me is that I do love him, and I can see myself with him. However, on days that his son is around, my whole outlook changes and I feel like I can't deal with this and I don't want this. I just graduated and have all these goals and aspirations for what I want to accomplish in my life and unfortunately I feel as though continuing this relationship will inevitably hold me back. I want to move away and start a real career and a family. He says he wants to move away as well, just not "right now." I just can't see my life without him in it... but as horrible as I sound I just can't help but wish he made different choices. I'd just love to here anyone's opinions or stories. Thanks!