Now What?

nikemamaApril 16, 2009

SS(13) called DH last night crying so hard he couldn't understand him. DH calls me and says to call the police on BM that she was hitting and punching him. She got so mad at him that she flogged him. I called An abuse hotline and they said to call the police and do a well child check on the kids. So they do. BM called DH PISSED saying she was going to kick my ass if I ever called the police on her again. She said that the police laughed it off and left. The police told BM that I sent them.

Come to find out that SS had been going into man holes and crawling around for the past 2 days when he was telling her that he was at his partner in crime SS BF's house. Some Joggers came and saw them. The kids wouldn't get out of the hole so they called the police and fire dept to get them out. SS Mouthed off to his mom and she proceeded to beat the crap out of it. Now BM says she is sorry to SS and he forgives her and they are all mad at us for trying to help. SD(11) wouldn't even talk to DH last night.

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Sounds to me like it's time for a grovel e-mail to BM...
Something along the lines of:

"I'm very sorry to have caused such problems for you, and I can see why you'd be upset. Please understand that I was doing what I thought was the right thing, acting on the little information I had at the time -- which was only that SS told us you were beating him. I was foolish to believe what he told me without checking with you first, and I won't make that mistake again. At the same time, I hope you can understand that I was only trying to protect SS and honestly, not trying to cause problems for you. If he ever says anything like that again, I'll be sure to call you first to get the other side of the story, and I hope you'll do the same."

If you can actually pull this off and call each other, you'll be able to correct a lot of SS's behavior problems...

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 11:16AM
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Oh my. :( I don't even know what to say.

As you know, I have not found the police to be the most helpful resource. BUT--you did what you had to do and I don't blame you guys for calling them. It's a shame they didn't take it more seriously.

"She said that the police laughed it off and left"

I would really not take that too seriously, though. Take it at face value and recognize who it's coming from. You don't know what the police said or did. I think your DH could get a copy of whatever report was made--the police paid a visit to BM's house, and there should be a record of that. As the PARENT of a child in that home, DH has the right to see that report. Tell him to get it. You might be surprised by what it says.

As far as SS goes, I think it's clear he is in an abusive and unhealthy situation. It's not, unfortunately, uncommon for children to be ultra-loyal to the parents with all the problems--I have seen that with SS. Even now, after what he saw his mom do, he is somewhat angry at me and DH. He told us the other night that he was mad that I called the police. :( He also said that his mom is angry at us that DH took him to see a counselor. SIGH.

I would urge DH to get his kids into counseling if at all possible.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 11:19AM
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Thing is she from the outside looks like a good mother. Then you find it is all a front. For the past 3 years she has had this looser BF living with them. Every couple months he grabs everything of value in the house and pawns it for drug money. She kicks him out he begs his way back, get the crap out of pawn. All this with a little window breaking hiding at her mom for days bull crap in the middle. SS came and lived with us for 5 months the last time.

The kids have one pair of school pants that we bought and she uses CS to get her nails done and hair colored. She is a wreck but manages to make it look like she is a good mother.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 11:54AM
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"She is a wreck but manages to make it look like she is a good mother."

We know all about that. It is frustrating when you see and hear about things that are going on, but there's no *hard evidence* to back anything up. The sad thing is--the courts don't really seem to care about psychological damage to children. In our case, BM has implanted in his brain from the time he was young that his dad was mean to her, that I was mean to her, that I was trying to take him away from her, that his dad loved my daughter more, blah blah and BLAH. She has manipulated and twisted and gotten inside his little head and really done a successful job of f-ing him up. She is a total guilt parent. She drinks, makes a mess of her life (and, subsequently, her kids' lives) and then parents out of sheer guilt. For example--day after the incident at our house, she took SS to the store and let him pick out two new Webkinz. Just because she felt like sh*t about herself. And fed him a bunch of crap about how he shouldn't talk to anyone about anything, and I was trying to get her arrested and that's why I called the police. AUUUGHHHH.

My only advice to you would be to document every little thing. It's been my experience that this stuff slowly catches up with them.

For example--when my DH was awarded residential custody for school district purposes, it was because BM's lies had caught up with her. She had presented herself to the GAL as a SAHM, always available for her kids, etc. So orginally he said SS should go to school in HER district. BUT then it came out that NO, she is NOT a SAHM, she is on WELFARE, and refuses to work. What really damned her was when her DH moved OUT OF STATE to find employment. The GAL did NOT like that at all and basically said---if your life is so stable and great, why is your husband basically a migrant worker and why aren't you working if money is SO tight?

THAT was when DH was awarded residential b/c the court FINALLY saw that OUR life is more stable.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 12:15PM
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Lovehadley said:

"It's not, unfortunately, uncommon for children to be ultra-loyal to the parents with all the problems..."

No truer words were ever spoken. If we all reminded ourselves of this regularly, we could save ourselves a lot of heartache.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 2:17PM
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Yes, DH has it in his head that the mother always gets the kids. I am sure as I am sitting here that we could have both kids if we produced her live in BF Criminal Record. HER Myspace pictures of her at a party with the kids and she is drunk.

What bothers me the most is these kids think that this is normal. I don't want my SD to grow up thinking that a man can treat a woman like BF treats BM and Skids. She broke up with them last week kicked him out but I know he will be back in a week or so. She has moved him back in so many times even going to prison twice, first time for a year, the second sadly only 2 or 3 months. She is taking out being mad on Skids.

When she kicked him out, she left SS home from School to watch things. What is a 13 year old boy going to do if a 6'4 270 lbs convicted felone wants to come in as steal what he didn't get last time?? PLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE!!!

DH is an above average father. It stinks that she is giving them a example like BF to look at. I have Full Custody of my sons. We are married have a nice home, pets, my kids play sports, scouts. We don't have a record. When I divorced they told me I couldn't get Full Custody but I did it. In our state it is looked on poorly for "living together" Then all the other crap. I live, work and my kids schools are all within 2 miles of each other. I am always avalible for my family and SKids. I want DH to go a head and turn the tables. These kids should have better.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 3:21PM
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Sorry! Looks like I misunderstood.

From your original post, I thought that SS was lying to you about the 'groundless' nature and 'harshness' of BM's strict-but-possibly-reasonable punishment, not that BM is truly abusive. If you honestly feel that she or her loser BF are abusive, then you absolutely did the right thing.

But are you sure you really know what goes on over there?
Meaning, can you trust what SS says? Or will he lie to cover his own back-side, to cause trouble, or to manipulate his two don't-speak-to-each-other families and get his way?

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 5:01PM
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One thing I don't understand:

DH calls me and says to call the police on BM

Why didn't DH call the police? Why did he have YOU do it???

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 9:09PM
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If you call 911 you get the county your in. They live in a different County. He was driving and couldn't use the phone book to look up the right numbers on top of being upset. From the times that my ex had called the CPS on me causing trouble I didn't expect them to give my name but they did. The CPS said I had to send the police first before they would take a report. So that was a catch 22.

I do believe it all happen because I have seen the party pictures, I have seen where BF broke the glass out of the front door and other times when windows are broken. When he was living with us she got him so upset on the phone one day that she got him crying to where he couldn't breath. I wanted to kick her a$$ so bad that day it is a good thing she lives over an hour away. DH wouldn't let me talk to her that night. I sent her an email telling her how proud she should be of herself. She has smacked and hit SD in the face too. She got so mad at me over the police and told DH she was going to kick my A$$. I would love to see her try. I'm a country girl and I won't play with her. DH doesn't like to argue and fuss but I will stand toe to toe with that woman any day.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2009 at 10:01AM
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Your DH could call 911 and they would transfer his pnone calls to any county he needs. It doesn't matter where you are, 911 operator could also give him the correct number. I did this in the past, you call 911 and tell them that the event in question is happening in such and such area, then they transfer you or tell you what to do. He didn't need a phone book.

It is an excuse.

I think your DH just using you to do the hard work for him. This is not your job.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2009 at 11:44AM
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I called 911 myself, They gave me the number to the county they live in but couldn't transfer. Maybe because we live in the country. He was so upset and trying to get hold of SS while all this was going on. It wasn't an excuse it was a husband and wife working together to care for the children. If my children was the one in trouble he would have not hesitated to do anything to come to their aid either. He was driving and upset I wouldn't care if he was sitting next to me on the sofa I was glad to help him.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2009 at 4:27PM
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