J is getting on my nerves!

doodlebooApril 2, 2009

Do any of you ladies ever want to strangle your significant other? hahahaha! I don't know what it is but the last few days J has been grinding on my very lasy nerve. Maybe it's because it's that fabulous time of the month or all the stress what with Biomom drama and moving?It's like all of my patience is spent on the kids and there is none left over for him.

They are all good reasons to be slightly annoyed but I have been seriously over reacting. For one thing any worry I have he always trivializes. I'm always "blowing things out of proportion". He never seems to see where I'm coming from but ratjer thinks I'm being a silly emotional girl.

He has been spending ALOT of time on a social networking site lately because alot of his friends from his old school are on there. All of his ex-girlfriends now message and IM him which irks me I'll admit but what REALLY bothers me is I don't hardly get to spend time with him as it is. Now when I am home he just seems interested in getting his hands on my laptop so he can check his profile. When I bring it up he tells me I'm being silly an they are all married with kids now and blah blah blah. It still pisses me off. I can't help it. Why drudge up the past?????

He also isn't helping as much as I think he should. Even though I am the one with fourty hour a week job I am the one constantly tending to Layla at night. During the day if she cries I have to be the one to go get her or he'll let go on for thirty minutes. He isn't as huggy lovey with her as he is with the girls either and that bugs me. I hug and love on all the kids so no one feels left out but it's like since she's a baby he figures she doesn't know the difference. It hurts my feelings for Layla.

I've been asking him to get boxes so we can move for a week and he still hasn't done it. I gave him the name of a company who is hiring but he still hasn't gone and put in an application. The clothes are piled a mile high but since I don't get in till 7:30 at night they haven't been done but he's home all day. He left me at the house with three sick kids so he could go play guitar when I had to be up for work in five hours.

If I mention any of this he just blows me off and accuses me of being hormonal which pisses me off even MORE! I don't want to make him out to be a bad guy because he really isn't but lately I have just stayed annoyed with him. Is it him or me and do you ladies ever get this way?????

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From what you are saying, it sounds like it's HIM. I am sure your post-natal hormones are just exacerbating your already justified feelings of irritation with him.

You definitely have reason to feel the way you do. It does sound like he is not pulling his fair share of weight.

If you are working 40 hrs/wk, what is he doing during the day? I think at the very least, you are right, if he's not working full-time and you are, then HE should be doing more Layla-duty at night so you can get a good night's sleep.

And if he is home all day, there is NO EXCUSE for there to be laundry piled up when you get home at 7:30 at night! You can tell him I said so! :)

I tutor part time but my DH is the one that works 60+ hrs a week--and I have NO PROBLEM doing 98% of the laundry, dishes, etc. I truly feel that is part of MY job and my contribution to our family.

Can you sit down with J at a time when things are calm, kids are quiet/occupied and talk this through? Do it at a time when you are calm and not upset--that way he can't accuse you of being "hormonal."

As far as this goes:

" He isn't as huggy lovey with her as he is with the girls either and that bugs me. I hug and love on all the kids so no one feels left out but it's like since she's a baby he figures she doesn't know the difference. It hurts my feelings for Layla."

I think this is just a "guy thing." Not to sound sexist or make excuses, but I do think a lot of guys just aren't as "into" babies as moms are. This is not to say he doesn't love Layla dearly---it's just that he didn't carry her for 9 months, and bond with her the way you did. And of course he loves her but a baby, especially to a lot of men, is just not as "interesting" as a 5 year old. J can relate to the girls in a totally different way than he can with Layla---I really think the older Layla gets, the more playful she becomes, and the more she grows into her own person, the more J will relate to her.

I met my DH when his son was not quite 2 and he has even said to me that he did not particularly LIKE the baby years. He loves his son but when he was a baby, he was always looking forward to him getting older so he could play ball with him, ride bikes, etc. I really think it's a guy thing!

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 9:53AM
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I feel really bad "tattling" on him here. He does cook every night and he does the dishes but that's only a small precentage of the house duties that need to be taken care of. I know he should be doing more if he's home and I've told him so....not so nicely though.

It always snowballs....for examle. I'll come through the door exhausted lugging a ton of crap and a baby. Layla will be crying wanting to nurse already. The house will be a wreck. He'll greet me at the door all smiles and the I loves yous and I missed yous will be said. He'll even get me a drink but all I can focus on is the crap piled a mile high on the coffee table. Then he'll grab my computer and get on it while I stare at the toys all over the living room. Then I'll make a smart comment about "Boy you didn't waste any time." (meaning hoping on the computer) Then I'llwonder if it's one of ex's he's chatting away with while I star at the nasty carpet that's in horrible need of sweeping....the entire time I have to pee but Layla is still on the boob.

The girls are attacking me from both sides with the details. My head is ringing. Then I'll ask him "Did you get boxes today?" and hee'll reply "No. I'll get some tonight" while still typing away to god knows who about god knows what on my computer. My imagination is running wild at this point and I envision him shooting a naked pic to some chick whoes a size two with a fake rack. Meanwhile I look at my droopy booby with Lay still attached nursing like a crazed animal.

I have even been drudging things up that happened two years ago! We argued over an incident that happened before we were even living togetherlast night! I am right in being irritated but I think I'm handling things all wrong. I know I need to talk to him BEFORE I start getting worked up but it just isn't easy for me.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 10:06AM
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Doodle, Doodle, Doodle....

You describe a scene that is going on around the world as we speak. Can you leave your laptop at work? Or if not, with a friend on your way home from work?

"honey, did you get boxes"
Nope, I'll get them later... hey, where's the laptop?
"Oh, sorry, I left it at work, I'll bring it home tomorrow"

Hormones have a lot to do with how you are feeling, but they are not responsible in entirety. Things are harder now, and if I can say this without sounding strange... This is your child. Your bio child. Your flesh and blood. Your body recognizes that, and is giving you things you need for survival... the need for a clean "nest", the need for a "provider", the "open-eye" to what is going on so you are aware of "danger". Not to diminish the girls and your relationship but your body, on a molecular level, does not recognize them the same way. Ultimately J is responsible for them, even as your heart feels responsible and your mind knows you are responsible. And your body knows, completely apart from your heart and mind, that you are ultimately responsible for your baby.

It is so very different.

Don't argue with him about the past. Have you told him what, exactly, in black and white, you need done?

The house needs to be kept tidy.
The girls are old enough to help with laundry.
If he doesn't do the laundry, stop doing his laundry. He can do it himself.
Let the girls know that when you walk in the door you need some decompression time. Give them something to do when you walk in (a coloring page?) so that they can give you 5 minutes.

7:30 at night is late to be getting home. And if he does not have to get up in the morning he should be on night duty. Otherwise you will work yourself sick and then not be able to go to work and/or have costly medical bills.

Stop with the smart comments and tell him what you really need. I'd imagine you wouldn't be so irritated about the computer if there were a clean place for you to sit down. Tell him you appreciate the cooking and cleaning up but you really need XY and Z to get done in order for you to be comfortable. Get the girls cosied up in front of a movie, get Layla down and have a real heart to heart.

He may be having some kind of residual memory of his first pregnancy/birth/after birth too, and reacting unknowingly to that history. It seems like you really love him. Tell him that. Tell him how much you love him, and how much you want to get back to your sexy self and be his wife and how glad you are that you have such a wonderful family and want to work hard to make it comfortable for everyone.

Big hugs. You are not alone.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 10:35AM
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Well I definately know the feeling of wanting to strangle my dh!! At times he is such a messy person I feel like I am watching the tazmanian devil swirl through the house! LOL

But with him being home and having a newborn and two kindergarteners it can be overwhelming at first. Sometimes your days can just fly by and you feel like you have not gotton much accomplished. I only have a 1 1/2 year old at home during the day that I am babysitting and my 1/2 day kindergartener and I know that there are days where I look around and feel like my house is a sty!

I am assuming this stay at home dad thing is new for him and maybe he is having a hard time balancing taking care of the kids and the housework. And those networking sights can be addicting!! Some days I am addicted to this site and those! LOL

I love the idea of forgetting your laptop at work sometimes :)

And what about telling J that you understand how much work Layla and the twins are during the day and that he is tired. But your also tired when you get home from work. Maybe suggest to do lists for both of you each day....

Like when you get home from work you will throw in a load or two of laundry and handle one night feeding of Layla.

And maybe during the day he is to pick up the boxes and pack certain items each day....and make dinner and clean up dinner....

Just something to help you both feel a little stressed!

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 11:27AM
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"And what about telling J that you understand how much work Layla and the twins are during the day and that he is tired"

correct me if I am wrong, but the twins are in kindergarten during the day and Layla goes to Doodle's mom's house...am I right, Doodle?

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 11:39AM
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it is him, not you.

first of all social networking got to go. now! communicating wiht exgirlfriends has to go immidiatelly. it is immature behavior. chatting and instant messaging wiht exgirlfriends while his wife cleaning up the living room after HE left a mess is inappropriate. frankly it absolutelly has to stop NOW, like TODAY. not like he is in a particular guitar or art or trade website looking for advice, he is on social networking talking to women. what for? got to stop.

if he is the one staying home, he is the one to wash clothes. no, he is not to go play guitar when you have 3 sick kids. if he stays home he is the one to clean the house.

I don't know how old is your DH but he sounds a bit immature. some of the behaviors remind me of my X when we first had DD. X was 20. I wonder if your DH needs some maturing to do. the fact that he makes a mess doesn't bother me, plenty of people are messy, but he fact hat he allows himself to chat to all these women bothers me pretty bad.

Now did I udnerstand you right, you are nursing but you DRINK? he fixes you a drink? what kind of drink?

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 11:53AM
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mom2emall, we aren't talking to exboyfriends on this forum, do we? that's the difference. there is a difference betrween what we do and what he does. this is not really a social networking site.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 11:56AM
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The girls are in school and my mom keeps layla so he doesnt have the kids during the day untill school lets out.

He is 34 years old but has always had a "musicians" mantality work ethic. Meaning he doesn't.

I don't drink....lol. I meant like a soda or tea or water because my hands are full and I go right to the couch to nurse. I like having a drink at hand because nursing makes you thirsty.

He works but right now only two nights a week because of hour cuts. He seems to be taking his time finding more work using the slow economy as a crutch. If he hears not hiring at two places he gives up looking.

As far as the social networking...in all fairness it isn't just ex girlfriends he talks too but they seem to b the main ones always messaging him. I know he IM's too and that isn't public. I don't like that.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 12:21PM
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what is "musician" mentality/work ethics? Plenty of musicians or artists have wonderful work ethics. Don't understand this logic.

yes IMing women needs to stop, it is alarming.

they say unemployed people should spend as much time looking for job as they would be spending working. Send hundreds of resumes, it would keep him busy.

I know you love your husband and he is a good person but what you described got to end now.

34 is old enough. maybe he can go to school, it would help him with job. If he needs to be on computer maybe he can spend that time studying on computer. Take online course (get a loan if there is no money).

I don't mean to bash your DH, but what you described looks like big red flags to me. Sounds like you have 4 children now. and he absolutelly need to stop IMing these women.

I take back alcohol thing, i misunderstood, sorry.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 12:40PM
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Agree with FD. He needs to spend as much time looking as he would have spent at a 9-5. And then he needs to have house ready for you too. The girls are old enough to help out, help daddy clean. Sounds like he may be a bit depressed, and with the move being "his fault" he may be overwhelmed and need an outlet... ergo the networking sites.

Cut off computer privileges. Explain what you need. He needs to step up and be a man. You've helped him a lot with his responsibility (his children that he had willingly and that you have generously taken on the responsibility of raising as your own) and he needs to be just as giving with his time as you have been of yours for this family you have made together.

He can go to the library to use the computer during the day if he needs computer access.

I don't like the IM (instant messaging?) ex-girlfriends bit at all. What in the world would he have to say to them? Hi, I'm married, my wife just had a baby, our house is a disaster, we have three kids and I'm hardly working? Hardly a conversation starter unless it's a man in a similar situation.

Otherwise, he's giving them the conversation that you should be having... the ones about bands, or music or whatever else he's interested in. He's giving those exes your "J-juice". I don't like that. It's good to have other friends, but you should come first, and it doesn't sound like you are.

Take a deep breath, get yourself cleaned up (not that you're a slob, but I've been a 'working-full-time, just-had-a-baby, breastfeeding mommy with no help at home' before and I know how feeling worn down can make me look worn down) and put on something that makes you feel attractive. If you don't look like a "fishwife" chances are less that you'll sound like one, and he'll probably be more willing to listen. See if mom, or someone, can watch the kids. Then calmly state your reasons for needing things to change. Have a written list if necessary. Don't get emotional if you can help it. Stay on topic. Men are by far and large more logic oriented and respond better when approached with logic than emotion.

Nip this in the bud now. Otherwise the resentment will store up, the accusations and name calling may come out and this could be damaging. It's normal to go through a transition in a relationship after a baby is born, and with the life you've been leading there just hasn't been much rest, has there? You have:

Bio Mom Drama
Location of House drama with bonus of girl school drama
Needing to move drama
Bio Mom boyfriend drama
Loss of Job drama

ummmm, am I missing anything? You have your hands full. No wonder you're having trouble!!!! Don't be too hard on yourself!

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 1:22PM
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I also wonder how would he support himself and his two children if you wouldn't come around? I wonder about that. i wonder if he would be capable of finding job, getting education and cleaning up after himself and his children. and since there is you now, he doesn't feel he needs any of that?

i also wonder if he plans on going for full cutody he would probably need to show that he supports his children, or no?

I also do not believe in "no jobs" stories. yes there are no jobs in particular fields or very well paid jobs but there are always jobs. My mother lost her job a month ago and in three weeks she already works full time again, less salary, but she works. She was on unemployment for 3 weeks only. If 63-year-old woman can find a job then 34-year-old man certainly can. He needs to be on computer sending out resumes not chatting with women.

It seems that you defend your DH a lot, but I don't understand why, sounds like you want to shield him from life trouble's. Why? he is a grown man.

As about musicians, my brother is a musician but his day job pays him 110 K a year. Not to say that everyone can make that much money, but being a musician certainly does not stop people from working.

And i wonder if J would like you to spend nights talking to exboyfriends. maybe you should try, see what he says.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 2:35PM
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When I first read it I was assuming he was being a stay at home dad while he was looking for a job.

Now that I know he has no kids home during the day its a different story!

He needs to get off his butt and pull his weight!! He should be out looking for a job! When he is not doing that he should be bearing most of the workload around the house!! Since he has no job to get up for early I do not see why he is not helping with Layla at night either.

Let him know your tired of the hormones excuse and the way you see it he is being lazy and leaving everything to you!! Don't allow this to continue and become a habit!!

And if I were you I would cancel internet service to save $...that may get rid of the networking sight problem!

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 2:49PM
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You are beyond stressed... aside from some of the excellent advice you have already gotten... I wonder have you had a girls night out since you have had Layla. After I had my daughter it was the best medicine in the world. (and I am a chick who generally hangs with the guys) A chance to decompress and just be me... not pregoo me swimming in hormones preparing for a baby... not tired new mommy me... not newly single mom balancing career me... just old fashioned out with the girls laughing without a care without men just L. I highly recommend it for any new mom. A good friend of mine is already looking forward to a girls night out and she still has two months before due date.

It seems silly that one night out on the town can do so much but it eased sooo many things for me. It was like I was just going going going that I almost forgot the person I was. Even just dressing up without wearing business attire for work or jeans and t for home was a welcome change. That one night relaxed me, reminded me of me and allowed me to go back to being the chill person handling it all that I have always been. Ofcourse I didnt have another night out for probably about a year. But, I needed that night. My mom was the one who recommended it at the time. (such a smart woman) Aside from all of your worries and before you drive yourself crazy imagining all the stick thin fake breasted women your J could be talking to.... call up some girl friends dress up to the nines and take a breather... then take another look at everything and address each concern one at a time. Baby steps darlin'... first make you feel like you again... you know the hot sexy you musicians girlfriend you ;-)... who I seriously doubt would even be questioning wether he should be helping out more or not (given all of your advice to others I have seen on here)

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 3:16PM
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"And i wonder if J would like you to spend nights talking to exboyfriends. maybe you should try, see what he says. "

No matter how tempting, do not do this. It will only fan the fire. Tamp the fire down, bring everyone back to reality. You have a family together, and you two are the ones who can make it or break it. You have the ability to create the kind of family life you want. Creating jealousy would not be the kind of family I want.

"first make you feel like you again... you know the hot sexy you musicians girlfriend you ;-)... "

Now, I agree with that. Get a babysitter, and get back to who you are!!! A new you, but still with the old you too :)

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 3:47PM
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I agree I need to refocus on me a little. I always feel thrown together and unkept:(

I feel really bad talking about J. I feel like I am majorly betraying him by complaining. I just really really REALLY feel over whelmed.

He is a MUSICIAN in every sens eof the word. A true creative personality. If it doesn't concern his passion he has no drive for it. ALL he wants to do is play music...everythingelse he dreads and puts off. I know this transition has been hard for him. He did nothing but play for almost 15 years. It's hard to adjust to domesticated life when youve pretty much been a tumble weed blowing in the wind that long.

We have KIDS though. I really need him to focus. He has had a pretty laid back existence before getting the girls....now we have the baby. I need him to buckle down. I am toting an extremely heavey load on my shoulders. I feel like it is all on me to keep this family of five afloat.

He is going to have to prove he can provide for the girls if he ever wants to get custody! He needs to realize that sacrafice is a part of life. We all have to do it especially where our kids are concerned.

I'm just going to stop bringing the lap top home. It'll probably piss him off but it will eleviate some of that tension. I can't control how much time he spends on it or who he chats with but I can control whether or not it comes home.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 4:18PM
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I was being sarcastic. Of course doodle shouldn't talk to her exboyfriends. I guess people assumed i seriously want doodle to tlak to her exboyfriends. LOL

If he wants to talk to other women he will go to a library and do it there. i would want to know why he even wants to talk to them.

Did he want a third child? Or he did it for you? makes me wonder if he was prepared for another child.

"he is a musician" is an excuse.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 4:41PM
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"He is going to have to prove he can provide for the girls if he ever wants to get custody!"

Although I could write a whole book about men telling women "you're crazy/you're hormonal/here take this tranquilizer/valium/anti-depressant"...

the point is that his wife & children need him.

Maybe forgetting the computer is the least confrontative way to keep him from being distracted to the point of rigor mortis!

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 4:55PM
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Having a third child isn't the issue. I know THAT for fact. He just doesn't worr or stress over anything...even when he SHOULD. That's how I know it isn't because he didn't want another child. He already talks about when we have ANOTHER and how it will be a boy! Obviously that won't be for a long long long time.

With the ex girlfriends on the computer...he claims it means nothing. Maybe it does. Again he can be laid back to the point of ridiculousness. He claims they have all married and have families. He says all he does is brag on us to them. He does have pics of the children and me on his profile page and all. It STILL bugs me though. This is time (PRECIOUS LITTLE) time he could be spending with me. We hardly have time for each other because I work six days a week right now.

He just never worries or lets anything bother him. Whether it be finances or house work he just doesn't sweat it and he doesn't understand why I do. I am always just being high strung and over reacting.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2009 at 5:19PM
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Hi Fine Dreams,
Sorry, I didn't know you were kidding about her talking to the exes :) Should have known.

Agree that if he really wanted to talk with exes he would do it anywhere, but my suggestion on the library is A) it's public, so people are usually a little more modest there and B) at least it wouldn't be on the time that Doodle spends with him at night.

Also agree with you that being a musician is an excuse. He had kids. He's over 30. He needs to be a father/husband, and if that requires him to do things on time that are not music-related, he needs to do what it takes.

Doodle, I'm not trying to dump on "J" but you saying that before he got the girls he was living the laid back life is an excuse, or sounds like one to me. Well... I lived the "laid back life" before I had kids too. Didn't you? Didn't we all to some extent??? And then I had my dd. And my life changed. It's time to step up.

Even if he did only have Layla for you (which I know you said he didn't) he made the choice to have a baby. In making that choice, he can now be a father, or continue to be a "rock star mentality".

Hopefully he'll be able to juggle both.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 10:34AM
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I wholeheartedly agree that the IMing other women has got to go. I just went through that with my fiance. Unfortunately I wasn't in the state of mind to be calm about it when we had our talk but I made my point and stood my ground. I told him it was interfering with our home and our family and that if he didn't put a stop to it he would be using that site to find a new girlfriend not just chat with old schoolmates!

Is he just doing it during the evening when you get home or do you find him on the computer late at night as well? You have to tell him that it bothers you. He may not realize it and it will eat you up inside imagining all of the conversations etc...it sounds like it already is and you have enough on your plate.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 5:53PM
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