heat and no cosideration

finedreamsApril 3, 2008

I know it is not a big deal but sometimes one of those "not a big deal" issues get to people the most...I was so upset this morning. Probably out of proportion but here goes. sorry long....

I went to visit DD for a week in a meanwhile BF's DDs were visiting. When I came back he complained how hot he kept his house because of them. i asked why? his responce because they complain it is cold so i kept it hot. Now BF is not cheap, but he has this issue with heat.

Anyways BF is the kind of person who is never cold, we live in a cold state, and this winter is awful but he still is never cold. So he keeps house cold, one of the reasons is that he is never cold and he claims it is the only reason. well i don't think so, he hates paying for heat. that is the main reason.

OK, so here his DDs left and I am back from my trip and house is freezing, i mean freezing. Couple of times when i turn it up, he turns it down when i don't see. he keeps now electric heater in the bedroom so it makes bedrrom extremelly hot but the rest of the house is freezing, so i sweat in bed and then freeze to go the bathroom. one night when i went to the bathroom termostat showed 58 degrees. when i asked him "why he did that" he said because bedroom is hot, there is no need to have heat in the rest of the house. Mind you it is in 20s at nigth outside! i asked to not do that because it makes me cold to get up and go to the bathroom. he promised he won't keep it that low anymore. and promised he won't turn it down when i do not see. did he keep the promise? nope.

Anyways I felt like i am getting a cold for few days. i kept complaining about it. Yesterday i made it 65 degrees which is managable, still cold but i can handle it.

we go to bed with stupid heater i sweat like a pig, then i get up in the morning with a runny noise and cough, go to the bathroom it is freezing. you know the feeling of sweat and cold? i look at a termostat it is 63. he still managed to turn heat down so i didn't see it. Just 2 degrees but it does make a difference. i started crying and his reply is you can turn it up any time you want, i am not preventing you from turning it up! But i did turn it up, as soon as i don't see he turns it down. what is the point of me turning it up if he does it his way when i don't see.

we had a fight over it when he kept saying he will keep it warm in the house from now on, but he promised it before!!! i told him that why is keeping it warm for grown daughters but cannot keep it warm for me? how is it their warmth is more important? why at 26 DD cannot tolerate cold but i at 42 have to freeze? he morbidly afraid of offending DDs but it is OK to offend me. i kept asking him why is he turning it down, he says because he does not like it warm in the house and so i would not freeze he turns on elctric heater, which is btw noisy and makes me sweat.

my response is if he does not like his house hot why is he keeping it hot when kids are visiting? because they complain? well, do you not hear me complaining? how is my complaining less meaningful?

I felt that my needs are not considered while grown kids' needs are always a priority. G_forbid they get upset! I have a cold now, runny nose, tired and am terribly upset.

And now I am not planning on leaving him but i sure am hurt now. :(

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i guess my issue is not particularly about the heat but about my needs being consistently less important than his kids' and him afraid of upsetting them. that's what is the main issue here. My parents like their house cold but they keep it cold for everyone the same, they don't favor one person over the other. when i address this issue with BF he claims that it is not the case.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 9:28AM
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I would be upset. You have identified the right question. I keep my house cold. I like it that way and i am frugal. When my 88 year old mother visits, I turn up heat for her. My atittude is me, my DD (whom I do love), her friends, etc. can wear sweaters etc. If my mom gets sick, more of a problem.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 9:47AM
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thanks kkny. it is OK to be frugal but it is not OK on the expense of other's health. the most painful fact is though that he turns it down when i don't see. he repeatedly complains how hot his daughters keep the house when they visit. he complains but lets them do it. why do they deserve such comfort and i don't? if it comes to that i am older and overall have weaker health. it is not like we talk about babies needing comfort. i am very very upset today. he told me that i am probably upset about something else not heat. i bet i am! iam upset that i have to be like a 2nd class citizen just because i am not his daughter but am GF. i don't treat my daughter like she is above everybody else. why does he? i am obviously very upset over it...

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 10:16AM
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"I guess my issue is not particularly about the heat but about my needs being consistently less important than his kids' and him afraid of upsetting them. that's what is the main issue here."

That is precisely the issue -- in a nutshell.
And that's the way it's been since as long as you've been posting here.
And if he's still denying it, that's the way it's likely to remain as long as you're willing to put up with it.

So are you?
If not, what are you going to do about it?
And if so, do you want to fight the same losing battle over and over?

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 10:22AM
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Whether he's frugal or cheap, his actions speak louder than words. He's telling you through his actions where his priorities are. Sure, you have every right to be upset, but the truth is, you teach people how to treat you. He probably knows you aren't going to leave him and you'll put up with it. He's willing to let you be upset.

I have a medical condition so my body doesn't regulate heat properly. My DH is also very cheap (he doesn't like the heater on) but he also doesn't want me to be uncomfortable. He put a timer on our heater so it comes on at the coldest time, he gets me warm sock/slippers and robe. Most of the time, I'm much colder than I should be so he put extra layers on our bed. If he gets hot, he'll pull the covers off of himself, but he would never expect me to 'deal with it'. Besides getting sick, he's making you feel less important and you deserve better than that.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 10:24AM
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Of course you know that as a an SD I'm going to say "this fight isn't his daughters' fault", but let me clarify why. And let me also say that while I don't think you literally are blaming the DD's, I think there's too often a very easy slippage into "If it weren't for them..." that can be, well, ALMOST like blaming them, which I'm sure you don't want to do.

This is an issue of energy shortages, the need to watch pennies, differing body temperatures and the need to find compromises and/or ways to shift the spending in the house, long-term, so the temp can be maintained at an agreed-upon, comfortable level. This is NOT an issue of who BF loves more, or who is more important, or who's fault it is that the temperature isn't always perfect for everybody, or who should shiver and who shouldn't, or who should sweat and who shouldn't.

It seems like the heat situation has become more salient of an issue (for both of you) very recently, since DD's left. Maybe you don't agree or like it, but many NCP's ---especially when visitation is relatively brief and infrequent--- like to go the extra mile when their kids are around. (And let's face it, a few extra degrees on the thermostat for a week is barely "the extra mile".) Without getting into the very thorny question of whether DD's, as BF's flesh-and-blood, should be considered "guests" or not, I think it's fair to say that the polite thing to do when ANYONE comes to visit (again, when it's relatively breif and infrequent), whether that person is flesh-and-blood or not, is to pull out all the stops, within reson, to make that person comfortable. It could have been his mother, his grandmother, your mother, your grandmother... the point is that that's what gracious people do, and yes, it often costs a little extra to have visiors around and treat them properly, no matter who it is. And probably, because heating can be expensive, it's probably fresh on your BF's mind to be extra careful with the thermostat because he knows that he just cranked it up more than he prefers to last week.

I don't think you should take it personally that he decided to turn up the heat for DD's but not for you. He would have done the same for his mother, your mother, basicaly, any visitor who was uncomfortably cold, who was only staying a week. But he doesn't want to make a habit of it. Instead of focusing on who you think is more important to him, or the both of you sneaking behind each other's back with the thermostat, etc. (which is just silly), you should spend the time sitting down with him and agreeing on a temperature you both can live with, long-term. Or re-arranging your household budget to afford more heat if you both want it. Or making a deal that the heat stays off all day and on at night, or whatever you need to do that the matter of TEMPERATURE is resolved already and you can all be comfortable.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 10:30AM
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We also live in a northern state and DH absolutely refuses to get another oil delivery. He said he not giving them any more money (oil has gone up almost $3 a gallon since we bought the house 4 years ago "I miss the $1.21 days>). It's fine because we have a pellet stove and a wood stove so we have heat. He and SD are both part polar bear whereas I like to be warm, but the downstairs is normally 68-70 degrees and the upstairs averages 60-62 degrees. One night a few weeks ago I walked in and it was cold(58 degrees) in the house. It was one of those nights that it was snowing outside and the wind was bitter cold. I had complained about the house being cold before but he just wouldn't listen. I never said a word, I grabbed my snowgear, walked upstairs and put it all on (snowpants, boots, hat, gloves, everything) and came downstairs...........he got the hint! :)

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 10:54AM
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serenity, thanks, for helpful words,
he is not NCP though. SDs are grown, one lives out of state on her own and the other is in college out of town too. X left when they were grown already. DDs don't go to BM, older doesn't go ever, younger only once in awhile. they have very problematic relationship with BM. they are with dad when they visit. so it is not NCP issue per se. i guess he feels guilty that mom is hands off so he pelases them 24/7.

i agree what you are saying, he is not uncarrying man, in fact he is carrying. i have to say that he is accommodating not only with his kids, but my kid as well as well as with my parents, my niece etc. when it comes to me, he picks and chooses what he does because i am almost always there. he accommodates one thing but ignores the other.
communication is the key but it doesn't seem to get resolved...

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 10:55AM
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I should also add that visitors should also be as polite and compromising as possible too, family or not. If the DD's were still cold after putting on sweaters, that's one thing, but if they didn't try that first and insisted the heat go up, that wouldn't have been polite on their end... The consideration should go both ways when someone visits.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 10:57AM
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thanks for your input. well BF does things to accommodate me that he thinks should make me happy, it does not work for me though. he put heater in the bedroom as to make me comfy, but it makes me hot while the rest of the house is cold, that makes me go from sweat to cold. he can't understand why i am not happy with electric heater. i need even temperature in the house, not hot in one spot and cold in the other. he got like 3 blankets on the bed, but that's not what i need. i need even warmth everywhere in the house.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 11:00AM
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yeap, that's the issue. you got it. no i would not say I am putting up, some issues i had before got resolved because i didn't let it go. it is just when one issue is resolved the other comes up. if we would talk about babies i would not say a word, but they are grown women and don't need to be pleased 24/7. in fact he complains how demanding they are and yet he pleases them 24/7 while my needs are not always met...

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 11:03AM
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I'm sorry... didn't read your last post before I added that last one. Guess I didn't understand the visiting arrangements or how frequent... If they are there a lot and/or for a good length of time (which I'd define as a month or more, for sake of simplicity), then they of course have just as much responsibility to compromise and consider the heat bill as anyone else in the house does. Even if they don't pay for it ---in fact ESPECIALLY if they don't pay for it--- if they're going to spend big chunks of time there then they should be considerate about who IS paying for it. Still, I guess, the solution seems to be the same: an agreed-upon 'policy' about the heat, with emphasis on sweaters, cups of hot tea, etc. if the agreed-upon heat level isn't enough at the moment, this rule applied to everyone. (Since it's easier to add clothes to make yourself warmer than it is to cool yourself down if it's too hot.)

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 11:05AM
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good idea, i will do it next time. put a hat on and gloves. haha

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 11:07AM
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they are not there a lot, older only visits few times a year, younger is more often. younger is away to college. but comes home here and there. it is not as much for me about them being accommodated, that's fine, they need to be comfortable, it is about me not being important. we are talking about few degrees up only, i don't need it hot, but it hurts that he is willing to upset me over few degrees bvut is never willing to upset them. it does hurt. they aren't children anymore.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 11:16AM
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Well, hopefully it wouldn't have to come to that. I mean, unless your BF's body temp is SOOOOO drastically different from yours that he's ALWAYS sweating buckets when you're comfortable, or you're ALWAYS shivering when he's comfortable... It seems like a happy medium could be found in most cases. Otherwise, if it's a really extreme difference, I don't know what else to tell ya! If it's not that extreme a difference, or if it's just as much about the heating BILL as the temp, then that's where I think the household budget should be rearranged... because, within reason, peopel ought to be able to be comfortable enough in their own houses. Sure, it might mean you keep more lights off, buy more geenrics at the grocery store and cancel some magazine subscriptions, but at least you'll be reasonably comfortable and not shivering & risking getting sick, etc...

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 11:19AM
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it is not my house, serenity, which doesn't mean i have to freeze when i am there. i don't think that the fact that i don't pay his bills means i have to freeze. when he is in my place i make it comfortable for him.

when we have met he told me that one of the complaints of his X was that he is not willing to spend money. it seemed strange to me because he did not come across as cheap at all. he makes a very good money, way more than me, but now as time passes I think his X had a valid complain....maybe she had to freeze for 28 years ...

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 11:38AM
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Oops, I'd forgotten that you and he don't live together... but I do remember, from an earlier post, now that you mention it. Hmm... well, yes, I guess this does make it more complicated.

Does seem only fair that whatever he does for one person who comes over should be applied to all people who come over... and if you try to make him comfortable at your place he should do the same for you. But then again it can change matters if one visitor is there for a week and is 88 years old (or 25 years old but asthmatic or has lowered immune system, whatever) and someone else, you, is there much more often, as his GF, kind of one step away from living together... It can get dicey... but perhaps for the sake of fairness he should just come up with ONE blanket way of treating his visitors, no matter how frequent/infrequent. Then at least it would be even-handed...

But the real crux of the matter is negotiating the temp on a daily basis, for the whole rest of the year that there's no short-term visitors and it's just you and he. Because a week here or there is one thing to figure out, but it sounds like even if that is totally resolved, you still have a day-to-day disagreement about the temperature.

The main way I can see it getting tricky, again, is if the body temp difference between you two is really extreme. Because if it's just finances & what he's willing to pay for heat, that's easy enough to work out (either he rearranges his household expenses, or you offer to chip in a few bucks for heat, or a combination of both... or you decide to just move in together if either of the first two options is too wierd for either of you). If the body temp difference is extreme, that's just naturally going to be much harder to work out. Beacuse what that basically means is that one person, at any given time, is ALWAYS going to be uncomfortabe no matter what. No, it's not fair that you should always be the one to compromise and accomodate him just b/c you're the one who's cold... But at the same time, it is true that it's easier to put on an extra layer than it is for someone sweating buckets to cool down. That's a fact that can't be avoided.

I agree that if it's just a few degrees it shoudln't make too much difference to him, so hopefully he'll do that. A few degrees is not unreasonable for you to request, and you shouldn't have to offer to chip in any $ for a few degrees. If it's more than a few degrees, or if it makes his bill go noticeably up AND he's uncomfortably hot, then I think it's the right thing to offer to chip in a few bucks and/or bring a sweater. Don't know what else to suggest but I wish you luck and I hope reason & fairness prevails & works for everybody!

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 12:00PM
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We are frugal with the heat as well. We need to be. Our apartment building was built in 1904. So all the pebble insulation has dropped from gravity over the years. Soooo...it sometimes costs us 400$ or more for the month in heating....Well, we keep it down now and keep it steady as well to reduce it. We've brought it down to half.
Well his DD and DS come over and complain its cold. Their mom keeps their house at 23-26 degrees per room!
We both told them, do you have 400$ bucks for the heat this month???? Wear a sweater and stay in front of the heater! The house is not that cold. We keep it 16 -18 max. Plus 2 heaters running in specific rooms. We all wear sweater and so does my 2 1/2 year old. We are used it 24 /7 . They are not. So i understand why they complain.They are truly cold because there is a 10 degree difference at their moms. BUT, we are all in the same house and there will be no special difference unless my 78 year old dad comes over (who has heart congestion failure and asthma...) so i will turn it up to 20 for him when he comes. Whenever he gets a cold he is in the hospital borderline passing. So i think he's an exception.
Everyone else can wear a sweater! I need the cash for other things...like food! or taking all the kids out for a movie.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 12:30PM
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*always* pay attention to what the ex says.

Even if she's a big ole meanie & he's Mr Perfect (not likely), & even if what she says is biased, there's always some insight in it, the kind of thing that she knows because she's lived with him, day in, day out:

this guy is so cheap that he'll let you be sick & miserable rather than raise his heating bill.

& he accomodates other people on the heating issue...
just not you.

this is more than a quirk, it's a clear message about where you, maybe all women/significant others/whatever, rank in his life & how he thinks he can treat you/them.

it doesn't get better;
as you've witnessed already, it gets worse.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 12:32PM
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BF makes considerably more than me although we both are professionals, he did lost a lot of money in divorce plus he had to buy all new furniture, there was nothing left. but believe me he can afford the heat. he wouldn't take money from me for the heat. serenity, thanks again, just to clarify as much as he claims what the reason is for keeping the house cold it is not the issue. the house is cold because he doesn't want to pay. not because he likes it cold. as i remember last summer couple of times i had a problem with hosue being unberably hot. guess why? air continioner costs money. he did turn it on when i complained, but it is interesting how he likes the house cold, but just not in suummer..hhmmm

yeap, sylvia, thanks, i listen to stories about X and I pay attention, BF says i always defend X, well I just don't believe evil X stories. and if she thought he was cheap after 28 years sooner or later i did have to notice it too.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 12:58PM
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Since you don't live together, can you make him visit you at your place instead of at his place? Maybe it inconveniences him, but then he'll (hopefully) see the error of his ways and compromise.

I understand where you are coming from with the heat. We keep it at 57 at night when we sleep (which I have no problem with, DH is a space heater and I would sweat if the room were warmer), but during non-sleep hours I like it at about 65 and he likes it a little cooler. Cooler than 64 my hands start to ache (I have a circulation issue and an odd immune issue related to cold). I just turn it up a little! He may give me a look, but he doesn't fight me on it.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 6:31PM
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Sue may be on the right track - how about having him over to your place a few times with the heat up around 75? Have him voice his complaints and ignore him. Then invite a friend over and turn it down for them. See how he feels.

This tactic stolen from my 6 year old, but hey - sometimes you really do learn everything you need to know in kindergarten!

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 7:42PM
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oh believe me he complains all right when something is not his way. he does complain that my place is noisy (which it is) and it is getting hot in summer due to large windows etc he sure wouldn't be suffering like i do. at this point i am so mad and upset that i better don't talk about him at all. he went on a business trip today and it is the first time in a year and a half that he did not call from there. i am so pissed. see i raised a concern and oh he is so sensitive now he is so upset that he doesn't call. if he would be here i would throw a lamp at him. i am mad..i am not even allowed to get upset over his actions.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 9:14PM
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I am curious - if he is so cheap, why did he "have" to buy all new furniture? I am looking around my living room, and not a single piece of furniture cost more than fifty bucks - and the other rooms were furnished even more cheaply. Between yard sales and neighbors who are redecorating, it is easy to furnish a house on the cheap.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 9:15PM
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TOS, he does not have to furnish anything cheaply. he is generally not cheap, he is cheap about certain things. he would not buy cheap furniture and he makes a very good money, he can afford furniture and can afford heat. he has this weird thing. he spends on some things and won't spend on other. like he would not buy himself new clothes but would buy bunch of fancy plants etc he spends on our vacations several times a year and doesn't let me pay and yet he doesn't want to pay for heat. he is also obsessed with having no debt, he never had any debt on credit card or any loans etc, he believes in paying everything in full witht he exception of mortgage, which is a good thing. it is good to be frugal, i wish i was more frugal but it is not OK to freeze! my point is that he does not have to be frugal about heat. he is very well off, believe me. if he really would not be able to afford heat i would not even raise this question.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 9:37PM
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Sounds like my brother in law. Cheap, cheap, cheap. Fixed the 25 watt bulbs so my sister could not change them, boarded up the A/C and used heaters when he was cold. As he got older, he did use the A/C, but made her keep it off during the day and he turned it on when he got home. When my Mom visited them my sis was pregnant and had to sit on a couch with broken springs. Mom took her shopping and bought her a recliner and told the man to stay out of it. LOL

My sis is adjusted to this strange man and his bizarre behavior. People never change, people never listen to warning signs, just marry them anyway. Boy, I am in a weird mood this evening. Single and loving it.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2008 at 10:03PM
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I just read your post no one elses so I will just throw in my 2 cents real quick. Get one of those covers to go to over the controls for the heat with a lock. Set it and then lock him out. lol He if he dont care about you freezin your but off why do you care if he sweats lol. Give him a taste of his own medicen. Or get a iron skillet and crack him on the head. JUST JOKING!! But its a though. I hate being cold.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 7:45AM
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You know, I think this is another situation where the forum lamp would come in handy. You could crack him over the head with it and then plug it in and get warmth from the bulb!

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 11:33AM
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hahaha you made my day, yes, lamp will come handy here.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 11:46AM
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Bump refresher course ... why FD is here

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 3:12PM
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another year old post. lol heat issue was resolved then. problem wiht the heat was resolved with his multiple apologies. in fact it is too hot now. I'll go turn it down. hahaha

    Bookmark   February 22, 2009 at 9:10AM
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