Helpful opinions

sunnygardenermeApril 9, 2009

I could use some helpful opinions. With the Easter holiday coming DH and I made plans to attend my family holiday fun for the weekend. Friday night we will get together with all my siblings and there spouses (couples)to decorate easter eggs for the kids. It is really a way to gather together and socialize. It has been tradition for years. I am not always able to attend since we often spend time with DH's family on Easter Holiday. Last year we were with DH's family so I missed it again. On Saturday we planned to help my elderly parents do some jobs around their home that are to hard for them to do. On Sunday the whole family gets together for Easter dinner.

I was so excited for the first year we get to spend the full weekend with my family and DH was fine with it. We have not seen my family who live 4 hours away for 2 months. We have been with DH's family many times in the last few months and just last weekend. DH's family live an hour away from us.

The exception is that adult SS (24 years old college kid) has not been around due to his choice. Last weekend SS could of came to DH's family get together but chose not to come because he had other things to do. Spring break time he chose to go on a trip and not come by to see us. At Christmas he chose to go on another trip instead of being with DH's whole family.

Well now he wants DH's to be with his family because SS plans to be there now. DH is given the guilt trip from SS's adult sister and from SS. I am sure SS is mad because DH is going to spend time with my family. In my eyes SS has had plenty of changes to spend time with DH but chose others to spend time with.

Well, DH wanted to change the plans when I already had comfirmed everything with my family. After talking he agreed to go with our original plan. But to appease SS DH has offered to buy him a gift of his choosing and take him on some type of trip. WOW, am I sick of this. What do others think of this?

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I think that it is a good thing that dh is not changing his plans with you. But I do think he is setting himself up for disaster by buying ss's happiness!

SS made the choice during other holidays to not be home with family. Not a big deal. But he can not expect dh to change plans or make up for being with your family for a holiday! That is ridiculous!

DH already told ss he was going to buy him something and take him on a trip so he can not take that back or it will be war I am sure. Though the trip should not include airfare and a resort! LOL Is this "trip" a night at a local tourist thing or nearby lake or something? I would hope so....

I would tell dh that in the future he should not pay off his son to accept his choices. If he does this it only affirms ss's belief that he can boss his father around.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 9:33AM
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So what did SS buy for DH each time he opted not to come to see his dad? What trips did SS take dad on?

I'm very uncomfortable with the equation of time=material gifts. Just as Mom2 said, DH is attempting to buy happiness or affection, and the message that sends, even to a 24 year old, is just wrong. If I'm in SS's shoes and I'm an apparently self-centered 24yr old here is what I would do: each time I heard dad had plans that didn't include me I would call to say I wanted to visit, having in mind the whole time what I wanted dad to buy me and where I wanted him to take me rather then a true desire to see my dad.

SS has to learn - and 24 is very late for this lesson, IMO - that the world does not revolve around his whims. DH does not owe him time any more than SS owes DH time. Were I DH I would tell all his kids 'I am spending Easter weekend with Sunny's family this year. You are welcome to come over the following weekend and we can all be together then." End of story, take it or leave it.

Just my $.02!!

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 9:56AM
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how frustrating. can certainly relate.

It has been quiet lately but now it starts again: SO changing plans as DD27 changes hers. SO had plans to go to college friends reunion that he didn't attend like ever, he had to cancel because DD27 changed her plans.

and now she already told him that she plans to go on vacation wiht dad in July. I and SO already planned what to do on his vacation, she is getting married late July so we never thought she would want to travel for 2 weeks wiht dad just before her wedding. We'll have to cancel our plans for her. It is his only vacation, he doesn't get more than that, it means I won't get to go anywhere wiht him. Must he spend it all wiht his grown daughter? She gets married late July why would she want to go on vacation wiht dad just before marriage? I have never heard of anyone doing that.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 10:09AM
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FD: Your SO should split up his vacation time. Do a long weekend trip with his dd and then spend the rest with you. She should be planning for her wedding....which is what she will probably be doing when she cancels her plans with him anyways!!

But in all reality I would tell SO that you and him already had plans and you do not want them changed. If he changes them to suit sd I would be furious and maybe even give the relationship some distance.....

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 11:01AM
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Is SS invited to share the holiday festivities with your family?

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 11:02AM
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"But to appease SS DH has offered to buy him a gift of his choosing and take him on some type of trip."

What!? I'm sorry you're disappointed, so here's an expensive gift?
I sure hope that's not typical of his parenting...

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 11:09AM
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Serenity now 2007, yes SS has always been invited to join in with my family, but refuses to do so. Over a period of 9 years he has met my parents 2 times and it was because they stopped by our home when he was around. SS has never wanted anything to do with my family. I would love if SS would accept my family and join us, but he refuses and says it would be uncomfortable for him. I have no idea why it would be uncomfortable my family is very fun and would love to have him join us. It has hurt me over the years that he does not want to be a part of my family. I finally gave up and do not care anymore if DH's kids join us or not.
Sweeby, yes that is DH's parenting style. It has been hard living with this and watching him turn his children into selfish unlikeable young adults.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 3:30PM
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Well, if he's been invited to come to your get-together and refuses, he's had advance notice this was planned, and he's trying to make others change their plans last-minute, then he's the one who's choosing to make it difficult. Whether or not he's backed out of regularly-scheduled visits to you & DH in the past (and all kids will do that occasionally), the point is that he can't expect that others will just drop their own plans unless it's something very important that can't be done at any other time. Which doesn't sound like it applies in this situation.

It may be that he has some kind of upset or issue underlying why he feels a need to keep things separate (does he get enough time alone with his Dad?)... or there could be no underlying issue at all and the reason he passes up visits is simply to hang with his friends... But either way, he does have to respect other people's plans, learn to do better planning himself, and find other means of expressing his grievances or needs (if there's even an issue with that at all). I don't think he needs to be clobbered over the head about it, but I do think it should be explained to him what he can and can't reasonably expect of people and to take responsibility for what HE CHOOSES to do.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 4:04PM
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mom2emall SO told her that she can come with us. Huh? When he was married he never had a vacation with just his wife, DD27 always went wiht them (she was an adult) and it always ended with huge fight between all of them. I asked why taking adult children wiht you if it is not even enjoyable and ends up in arguments, he had no answer. I and her get along but if that's how every vacation was for them, I wouldn't take a risk. Maybe she would cause a fight, I am not up to having fights on vacation.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 9:18PM
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I think offering gifts to SS in this situation is absolutelly ridicolous. Guilt parenting.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 9:20PM
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