New girlfriend, BM hates me

Missy2226April 25, 2011

This is my first time posting. I feel like i have similar issues, however, im only a girlfriend. I am a single mother of a 13 year old girl and have met a wonderful divorced father of one 13 year old boy. He and the BM had been divorced for 7 years, but living in the same house as roomates when i met him. BM moved out shortly after I came into the picture. Now a year later, I live with him. His son comes to stay with us 4-5 days a week. The BM does everything she can to make sure things are very uncomfortable in the house. She calls me trash in front of her son, and says that he is allergic to me.

I understand she probably feels like i replaced her in some way, but that is not my problem. She still gets mail at our house, drives by our house EVERY DAY, texts, calls leaves nasty messages on my boyfriends phone etc... Im having a hard time dealing with her due to my boyfriend not confronting or dealing with issues when it comes to her. She has seen me once (she has never met me). When she did see me she said she was going to beat me up! Ive been living with her son for a year now and she has not made one attempt to know who I am. My boyfriend and his son are so scared to upset her. I am not allowed to drop the son off at BM's house or pick him up. Everything has to be on her time too! It is inconvenient for all of us.

When i came into the picture, she had no job, the house was a disaster and their son was a spoiled brat. Their son never said thank you once, the son told his father he is a bad dad due to him not buying him things he wants. He would cry and have temper tantrums and go outside and destroy things when he didnt get what he wanted. He still does these things but not as bad. I have been a single mother for 13 years and I am fair, but strict and have placed rules and guidance to my boyfriends son. I came from a step family situation, and my step mother practically raised me. I signed up for this, but in my mind i though things would be different. I just need some advice as to how i should handle things due to never being in this situation before.

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wow, sounds crazy. I am wondering about living 7 years as roommates and him seeing you at the same time...I suspect he was actually living with her as a family (divorced or not) and then he left her for you, and now she is upset with you because you are the other woman (in her eyes or in reality). People don't live as roommates for that many years.

Him saying they were just roommates reminds me of my SO's situation. BM met a guy and moved out with him while still married, just ordered a truck and moved to the guy's place while SO was on a business trip. Then she said their marriage was over for a long time, and they were separated and they were just roommates so she thought it was not a big deal to meet someone else. LOL Maybe in her mind it was over, but SO had no clue, they were married, they weren't separated, had mutual accounts, did things together and were a married couple, they weren't very close and relationship was rocky yet they weren't roommates. So even if your BF says they were roommates, it does mean she thought that. Maybe she thought they area family, and then she meets you...

Honestly maybe it is a good idea to ask her what really happened there...

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 9:14AM
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Hi Missy! Right now I'd say the problem is more with your BF than with BM. Why is he letting her do these things? You say he is "afraid" - what is he afraid of? Does he have a custody order? Is his son coming over more often than the CO says (or there is none) and your BF is afraid to stir the hornet's nest? If BF is not going to stand up to BM it's not going to change....

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 9:16AM
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I agree with Mattie. If BF doesn't have your back now I doubt he ever will. Time to move on and find someone who _will_ make you a priority.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 10:55AM
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Strange arrangement...divorced seven years, BM does not work (will asumme Dad paying expenses for household) and only moves on when Dad starts dating OP. Then OP moves in and BM calls, drives by, angry texting (why are you reading BF's texts?)all the while knowing Dad's new GF is living in her 'old home' and playing Mommy to her son 4 to 5 days a week. Sounds like BM only sees son on weekends?

None of this sounds the typical divorce/child custody thing. I guess that is all neither here nor there, whatever the circumstances were and are. It is what is going on, the way it is now. Sounds as Dad is not going to race to improve the situation you're dealing with. I'd think Dad is quit 'happy' with the way it is, has no intentions of taking a stand and/or supporting OP as having any real place or say in all this. Missy now has to decide if this is how she wants to live the next however many years or decide this is not working for her and move on. In fact, sounds like the only one this situation is working for right now is Dad and maybe the son.

I think if Dad is serious about a relationship and future with OP , he needs to start house hunting (one BM would have no claim to if even only in her mind). No mail to come to new house, no stalking around by driving by, a home OP can feel belongs to her too and be comfortable in. Does not sound as if it's going to happen though as Dad and son are scared of upsetting BM (why? what real 'power' does she have and what might happen if BM gets upset?)

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 11:48AM
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It is weird. I did not live with my ex after we were divorced but we spent over a year going back and forth and when he finally met someone new I was like BAM... Now we are going to play divorced even though for over a year I've been playing yo yo with you.

Does it really matter if the house was a disaster? Being BM, that struck a chord with me... It was kind of like you had to come up with reasons to make BM look even worse. Didn't work, child was spoiled and a brat, house a disaster but for 7 yrs BF was A-Ok with all of this... I didn't work when I was married to my exDH... I was raising 'our' daughter ... And our house was often a disaster because we had busy lives AND I had no help from the 60-70 hour worker I was married to..... Just saying. I'm still a good person and my daughter is far from perfect ... I would say she was pretty spoiled while she was my only child... And when BD met his new gf/now wife, she wanted to change how he was parenting.. How he decorated... Everything about our dd that she didn't agree with... And there were a lot of miserable years there for BD and Sm... Because she was constantly fighting everything that was already here before she came along.

I honestly think your BF is going to have to make changes not BM... Of course she hates you-- your BF just up and decided one day that he met someone and it was time for BM to move on... He didn't set clear boundaries when they divorced and then he woke up one day and set a boundary that he should have set 7 yrs prior. I would NEVER even date someone that was 1. Still married 2. Living with the ex. I don't see why others don't have a problem dating in those circumstances. You have to know there will be drama ...

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 3:33PM
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there is probably more to the story as about their living arrangements, that's why she is so upset. They lived together, doesn't matter if they were legally married. We aren't legally married either yet it does not give us permission to look for someone else while still living together.

BM sounds dangerous if she truly threatens to beat people up or calling dad's GF "trash". But BF invited trouble into his life and he needs to fix it if it is fixable.

Justmetoo, buying a new house might not be an option because in some areas houses don't sell (like mine for example).

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 4:14PM
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I agree... Houses are hard to sell and my parents (mom and stepdad) raised us in the house my mom and biodad had and they still live there. It's just about boundaries. There was a post a while back where exwife still had a key and was coming and going. I truely believe that once you are divorced and whomever is awarded the house, they need to change the locks and move on. They wanted a divorce and to no longer be with that person. It's their responsibility to let the ex know, this is not your home anymore and you cannot come and go.

Furthermore, I do believe OP has a problem on her hands. BM threatened her and has BD scared for some reason ... Driving by and texting and calling AND bad mouthing dad's gf... All very unhealthy behavior but dad needs to put a stop to it or it won't end. When you demand respect, you become the one in control.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 7:35PM
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Guess, it's just me, but I would not live in a house that was 'home' to BM seven years after the divorce. Roommates is just too weird. I'd either have had BF move into my home (OP has been single mom for 13 yrs so obviously no ex husband filled attachments where she previously lived), or purchased/rented home apartment/condo. I'd want 'mine/ours' and a fresh beginning.

I think this BM has an irrational attachment because she wa allowed to continue to think of this house as 'home' long after when divorced people part ways. Even if I had to take a lost in appraised value or rent it out and live elsewhere until sold and settled, I still think this OP will be at more comfort and in control of what happens (or does not happen) in their home when it is truly 'their home'.

Not really about taking keys away and setting boundaries in my opinion. I can see why this particular BM would have trouble's the allowed to remain for an additional seven years. Until OP came along it was still her home, she did not nor was expected to leave it and move on until ex started dating. She'll always view this OP as 'the lady who stole my home'. Why give her one more reason to hate OP?

Personally, I'd not want to live in a home full of good and bad memories of the 'original' owner who left only when I started dating BF. I get the move on blah blah, but seven years after and still living there...this being 'her home' is not something she'll move on from. I'd want a fresh start in a BM/ex wife home under these conditions.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 8:00PM
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Oh just me too I agree in this situation. BF is totally to blame for allowing the behavior and for allowing the attachment. Completely agree... In this situation

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 8:58PM
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I wouldn't date anyone who currently lives with their spouse/ex-spouse/partner/ex-partner, and I am not buying "roommate" story. Ex is upset for a reason...Even if they started dating, I don't understand moving in as soon as previous partner moved out, why move in? Why not give it time? The whole story sounds fishy to me.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 10:04PM
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It's not that it sounds fishy more than it sounds like OP doesn't know the entire story behind BF and BM ...

Every bit of my anger when ExDH moved in with new gf/current wife/SM was because a week before he told me he was moving in with her he was telling me he wanted to work things out. But when I was hesitant and didn't jump on his wagon, he went a new direction but left me feeling like WTF? And I was angry. I never stalked or anything and I never called SM bad names but I did contact her to tell her that we had just been on a date the week before and that he was seeing us both. That caused a LOT of problems that started all of the mess that turned into the mess we are in now... We were still married when he met her... He went back and forth between us for years and I was so angry that he just flipped a switch and 'replaced' me in a week's time with no notice.

I don't think that BM should be texting/driving by/saying negative things but I surely think she is pissed at BD and OP is just getting the back lash from it. And it all lies on BF... There is obviously more to the story that maybe OP does not know.

I also wanted to add... I don't think it's odd that BM doesn't want to get to know new gf... I think that is normal. She has been replaced and of course she doesn't want to know you. And honestly, I don't know a thing about my ex's wife other than she has a mouth and treats my dd like crap... Why get to know someone that will probably not be around for long, that's how I have felt. ExDH has a history of only making things last for 5 yes. Gf before me-- 5 yrs -- 1st job, 5 yrs -- me-- 5 yrs, new job 4 1/2 yrs, new wife 3 yrs -- I'm holding out for the next 2 yrs and praying the next one is nicer.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2011 at 11:49PM
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--"ExDH has a history of only making things last for 5 yes. Gf before me-- 5 yrs -- 1st job, 5 yrs -- me-- 5 yrs, new job 4 1/2 yrs, new wife 3 yrs -- I'm holding out for the next 2 yrs and praying the next one is nicer."--

Bwahahaha...mental image of a lady checking calendar saying 'less than 18 more months'. 'Woo-hoo, only 8 months or less to go'.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 7:55AM
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Well...I agree with most of you that my problem is my BF. I think he was fine with the way the situation was until my house sold and it was either time for me to move away or stay where I was (with him) and I wasnt getting the entire story. So a decision was made. Maybe it was quick for me to move in with my BF, but it was a year after BM left. Im not saying the BM is a bad person, I dont even know her, she just naturally makes everything worse for me, But I think I probably havent asked about the real story because I dont want to know...maybe I was the other woman and I am in denial. I feel like I should get a little credit for taking care of her son and making sure his clothes are clean, he is fed, his homework is done etc... I just recently found out that he has not been going to school when he is at BM's house! The childs reason why he hasnt been at school is because BM is sick and he has to take care of her. Also everyone has been asking why BF is so afraid of her...well she has tried to commit suicide in the past and has called BF's boss and said HE was unstable and should be fired etc etc etc... BF is afraid she will go off the deep end again. So BF and son walk on egg shells around her. We have her son majority of the time because we are more stable for the child. It is a very difficult situation and Im just lost at this point.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 8:54AM
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My mother had a BF whose ex-wife lived with him for a year or so after their divorce. They owned rental properties and his ex was going to move into one of them, but the one that she chose needed some work first so that's why she stayed in the house. I loved that BF; he was a really great guy with a huge heart. They had an amicable divorce (married young and just grew apart, apparently). I don't recall ever meeting the ex but I know my mother did, because she was in the process of moving her stuff out when my mom started dating BF! My mother said it was a bit awkward (although woman was perfectly pleasant) but when she'd moved out, she was out and didn't pick up mail or drive by or any silliness.

I can believe the roommate story; if BM was not working BF would have to pay spousal support, and it's possible that they'd have to sell the house to be able to afford two residences. Or they could live as roommates and keep the house, and SS could grow up in house instead of apartments. Maybe that's the way it began and it just continued, and continued, and next thing it was seven years! (Or maybe BF was playing his ex and hedging his bets, who knows?)

Be that as it may, doesn't sound like BM is very happy with the situation now. Missy, if BF was hedging his bets with BM, he is unlikely to put his foot down now because he'll want to keep BM on the line in case it doesn't work out with you.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 9:06AM
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--" I feel like I should get a little credit for taking care of her son and making sure his clothes are clean, he is fed, his homework is done etc... I just recently found out that he has not been going to school when he is at BM's house!"--

If you/BF have the teen 4 or 5 days a week, maybe BF needs to be sure arrangements are made that the days are during the school week so son can attend school. If school days are Dad's days then there would be no missed school.

After your statement about BM's fragile mental issues and acting out, I doubt you can expect acknowledgement of tending to the teen's daily needs. Stuff like clean clothes, homework ect just are not going to be items of focus here. You might have to settle for knowing the BF appreciates it and let thoughts of BM giving you 'credit' for it go.

No clue what mental issues BM has and/or how much she is capable of dealing with reality or if she is under a medication routine she allows (maybe she is off her meds when she hate texts?). No idea hwat this BM is capable of either. Is there a chance she really might be a threat to you as far as stalking and/or trying bodily harm on you.

I think you really need a very serious sit down discussion with your BF. You live with this man and appear to be planning a future with him. You best know what is, what your future might actually hold and be given a chance to decide if this is a relationship you truly desire to continue with. Time for BF to fess up, lay reality and truths on the table and decide where you all go from here.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 10:30AM
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Great advice just me too.

I think that I would be concerned about her mental state. And they can't keep her from committing suicide.. Or attempting to... They are just going to make themselves sick trying to prevent it. I would be worried about her for sure.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 1:11PM
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I agree this is a different/strange situation. However I have a freind that has lived with her ex for the last 10yrs. They both have dated other people but never bring them home or introduce kids. They have 4 kids that are all teens now so they have decided that they will tell the kids they are not going to live together anymore and they have gf/bf. Its always been wierd to our circle of friends but it seemed to work for them. NOt sure how the kids will take the news though.

As far as her giving you any credit, youi can FORGET it. That will never happen. I have 3 stepkids that are all super busy. The oldest will be a freshman next school year and just made POM. So now it takes all 3 of us to get all the kids where they need to be. Their mom will call my DH to have him call me to see if I can pick up or drop off at least one of the kids and usually a freind on the days that we dont have them. I dont mind helping out at all, I enjoy the extra time I get with them and they know I will always help their mom. That builds our bond. Their mom will never call me herself or even speak to me for that matter. So dont expect anything from BM ever, dont talk bad about her in front of the kid or BF family. Take care of your BF son (remember he is not just her son) because you want to becasue you care not for any other reason. BF should give you the credit but dont expect any from BM.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 2:38PM
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I always find it telling when the poster refers to the kids as "the" child or "her" son.

The only person that should be giving credit for helping out is the people you are actually doing it for... son and BF. Not HER son... his son and eventually yours if you are serious about the relationship. (step or not)

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 7:47PM
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Jess and mom of 4 I was going to say the same things but decided since you already said it, I should just keep it short.

Don't do anything to get a pat on the back or you will burn out quick and become resentful. And the only person that gets hurt with resentment is 'the' child. If you love him and want to be there and you love your BF then who cares if BM thinks you are awesome. Parents dont parent to get praise -- sometimes I think when it's not your child that line can get foggy. Oh look at me, look what I did, I do more than his own mothe would ever do and really, that's just silly and selfish. Do it cause you want to not because you have to. Or don't do it at all. Not your job, make dad do more. That afterall Is his job.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 9:33PM
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jess, the reason BM doesn't call you directly or doesn't seem to appreciate is because she probably never forgave that you were the other woman and DH had an affair while married to her, it might not be relevant now, but it is probably relevant to her. Some people take long to get over it, if ever. BM has her reasons not to be very appreciative or not seek contact with you.

I agree mom of 4...

I would be concerned with BM's mental state as well. I wonder if she gets help she needs, her mental illness explains her crazy behavior

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 10:47PM
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To clarify...Im not looking for validation from BM..I just want BF and son to acknowledge that BM has a serious problem and realize that something needs to change due to her not taking care of "our" son. Im new to this type of situation and I havent bonded with him yet due to the situation with his mother, and the "brainwashing" that she does to both of them. Im just getting tired of having someone that I dont know controlling what I can and cannot do in my life. Yes it is my choice to be in the relationship, but I feel like im the only one struggling at times. My BF hides his feelings really well and only opens up when I really pry. So its hard to confront him and pull things out of him. This is why I joined this forum, to vent!!!

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 7:47AM
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Well then, Missy, if venting is all you desire to do nothing can nor will get better for you. Why are you in a relationship with someone who clams up and refuses to talk to you...not only 'talk' but also honestly and straightward?

If you're waiting for BF/Son to acknowledge all BM's faults, see the light and pitch her from your struggling existance, forget it. It appears these guys are ok with the relationship they currently ok that they all wanted it to continue just as was for another seven years.

Seriously, you're expecting too much here on the BM situation being you have no acknowledge of what the BM situation actually is. So her house was a terrible mess before you came along. Could mean any number of reasons why. She's tried to committ suicide. Was she severly depressed thus no desire/engery to clean, wash clothes, blah blah? I'm sure BF/son are well aware that there are issues with BM...but what you're asking is not for them to 'acknowledge' the issues but to turn on BM and demand a miracle 'cure' is whipped up. You need an understanding of exactly what issues this woman is facing/ seem a bit naive on what this woman may be dealing with and how if at all she is trying to control it. BF has no desire to tell you...these are all issues that should have been discussed prior to intense dating and moving in.

I think some counseling to get an understanding of yourself, your relationship, any expectations and what you can or can not deal with (and perhaps how) may be helpful for you. Dig into why you are in this relationship, what you desire from it and whether or not this is the correct relationship for you.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 8:36AM
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PO1, your right, I am sure that is the issue with her not calling directly. But its not alwway what best for the kids. This last time that she needed me to pick up SD13, by the time my DH answered his phone, he was in a meeting and it took her 3 calls before he finally answered thinking something was wrong. It was last minute and SD13 and her friend had been waiting at school for 30mins and she was late for tutoring. If BM had just sent me a text "can u pick up Sd13". I would been right there in less than 10mins. I just think it would be easier on everybody. I dont expect her to like me or us be friends or anything close to it but I am a big part of her kids life and sometimes a simple text or call could save alot of time and anxiety for all of us.

Missy this BM will control certain parts of your life. It still bugs me that I cant just make plans on our weekends that we have the kids. She always has something scheduled for one of them so we have to check with her, get the weekend schedule and make ours around that. So in reality she does somewhat control what/when we do things with the kids. My DH wants them to be able to the things they want to and not make them miss out just because its "our" weekend. Thats just how it is and I have to deal with and get used to it. So Vent away!!! Better to get it out here than keep it bottled up inside..

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 12:49PM
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Jess I must interject here. You state that DH doesn't want the kids to miss out because it's his weekend with the kids. That's not BM controlling you, unless I am completely misuderstanding... That is your DH allowing his kids to have a life of their own and participate in the things THEY want to do. Just because the activity was not your idea doesn't mean it is BM controlling your life.

I don't understand why BM couldn't have texted either except I know in MY situation our order states that all communication be between the bio parents. Now that's to protect me from getting in to it with SM but it's not too hard to understand. BM probably feels uncomfortable asking you to do her job as a parent. Asking for help has always been a weakness for me because I always thought it was seen as a weakness by others. Until I figured out that people will actually respect me more or asking for help because it shows I don't let my pride get in the way. But I'm willing to bet with the situation as it is, and all the talking about what BM does and has done, she simply doesn't want you to have any more ammunition against her. Because then you can say 'that BM, she is always asking me to pick up this kid or that kid and she is never available!' well if she asks dad... He can't really complain about being asked to help since the kids are half him to begin with. That's just my opinion.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 1:33PM
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I still think Jess that by doing things like picking up SKs you are helping your DH, not BM. The only reason you are the one who is picking them up is that DH wants you to.

If you weren't in the picture, DH would have to find babysitter or take time off work the way single people do. BM is asking her ex to do parenting job, he delegates to you, that's his problem not BM's.

BM does not need to call you at all. She and DH are the parents. I agree with myfampg on this.

I also do not understand when dad complains about "helping", these are his kids aren't they? And whatever help he asks you to provide is between him and you, not between BM and you.

Personally if i do anything for SDs it is because I care about Sds or because SO asked me, nothing to do with BM.

My SO has no particular desire to call or text his BM's BF knowing that she slept with him while still married to SO. Can't really blame him.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 4:00PM
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First of all I never said Dh complains about helping out with kids. Not sure where you got that. Thats not an issue. I dont mind helping either one of them. But when its her custodial time i guess I should say and she calls DH at last minute becasue she can not get SD13 from school instead of wasting 30mins that SD is outside waiting on Mom, worried, she could have just sent a text. She knows that I am free to leave if I need to during the day. She knows that DH is very busy and usually with a client. If your SO's kids were 13 and not grown and he could not get ahold of BM but his DD needed pick up or she would be standing outside waiting for someone to get her, I would hope he would call/text BM's BF no matter who slept with who. I think by picking SD I was helping both BM and DH. I did it because I wanted to. I just think she needs to rise above her jilted feelings for her kids.

And Dh does allow the kids to live thier lives. I say BM controls our weekend because she may have a dinner planned (this has happend) for all of her family on a weekend that she knows is ours. Then procedes to tell us that she needs them to be there at a certain time and we can come get them when she calls. Personally I think she does it on purpose. Of course the kids want to go. If Dh was to be the mean old Dad and make them stay with us it would just make them angry at him.
When the kids are with us we have fun, they laugh and have a good time. They are very chatty. If we are all in the same place Dh, me, BM, kids its like we are strangers. It is very odd the way they are with her and us.
Myfam, I can see how you would take things differently because you are not a SM and are the BM in a bad coparenting relationship with a mean SM. But I think you are assuming way too much here.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 5:14PM
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Well, Jess, if BM does not care SD had to stand out there and wait 30 minutes, don't sweat yourself over it. It was BM's choice. It's nice that you would be willing to take her texts and run pick up...but you can't make her and it's up to her if she wants to personally ask you or not. Maybe she is too uncomforable asking you for a 'favor' (no matter who you might be), maybe she has no intentions of asking you ever at all just because you are who who are. Does not matter. Her choice to do it the way she does. Her child she let stand there.

Life could be worse, Jess. Be glad she does not text/call you non-stop and say terrible things. We have heard examples of that type here often enough. Obviously this BM (and therefore Dad too) are happy enough doing it the way it is now...leave it be.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 7:08PM
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No I'm not assuming -- I did say if I was misunderstanding what you said and I did say I agree with you. She should just call or text you. There is no reason why she shouldn't. I am not an SM you are right. And I probably don't know much. I just tried to offer a different perspective. I do not agree with BM planning family dinners on your weekend. You didn't specify. I thought when you said activities that they were the kids activities. I'm objective at least I try to be. I'm not against you just bc I'm a BM not an SM.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 7:14PM
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--"I just think she needs to rise above her jilted feelings for her kids. "--

Be careful with that thought, Jess. It's different for you in your thinking what BM should or should not do than it is for her. You were not the 'victim' here, she was, so of course it's easier for you to put personal feelings aside. I know you probably think that if the tables were turned and it was she now with your ex husband and your kids, you would be able to 'forgive and forget' for the sake of the kids...but you don't really know that. You have no way of knowing how you would be acting if she and you traded places in this.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 8:13PM
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I had to read that entire thread again because the OP is the GF and Jess is married.. So confusing when the threads change half way thru onto another subject.

Wew I'm signing off for the night

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 8:37PM
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"I would surely take a mean Sm over the woman who slept with my husband. " LOL, you are hillarious

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 9:01PM
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Omg! Jess did you seriously tell me that my situation is different, that I'm NOT an SM -- I'm only a BM and then I read just me too's post that BM is a victim and let me get this straight -- dad cheated on mom with you and you are wondering WHY BM doesn't want anything to do with you. Lol wow!! Forget all my other posts. I am ONLY a BM but I know for a fact that any woman expected to just get over her own feelings and call up mistress oh wait new girlfriend to help with the kids. You guys aren't married? Nope BM does not need to call or text you. I change my opinion. I guess I got you confused with another post.

And you are right, you might not be a mean SM like I have to deal with but I would surely take a mean Sm over the woman who slept with my husband.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 9:03PM
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myfampg, jess is married now.

But she was posting here when they weren't married yet, dad started dating jess and had an affair while married to BM, then he got divorced and married jess. Kids had a lot of issues with that.

That's what I am saying complaining that BM does not call or text is ridiculous. If picking up Sds on BM's time is an issue then jess shouldn't be doing it, DH could do it or hire babysitter but expecting BM to call or text the other woman, I don't think so.

Exactly justmetoo, in jess's situation mom is the victim not jess, I don't understand what jess complains about.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2011 at 9:35PM
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Um, Jess? You want BM to do "what's best for the kids". May I ask how concerned either you or your DH were for what was "best for the kids" while you were having an affair with her husband? So BM is a lesbian, the marriage was a sham from the beginning - whatever. None of that mattered, as relates to what was best for the kids. Perhaps you two met and were soul-mates at first glance - OK, fine. No reason you couldn't have remained just friends until after DH was divorced, and maybe even until kids had some time to adjust.

I'm not bashing you for what happened or how you and DH began your relationship. You've said previously that you had some guilt over what happened; presumably you've managed to forgive yourself and your DH for the parts that you've played in hurting these children. I think you should try to extend this same understanding and forgiveness towards BM. Or are you seriously suggesting that a 13 yo will be more hurt by having to wait 30 minutes outside the school then they were by their father leaving the family for TOW?

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 9:45AM
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I have known two couples who lived in the same house even though they said for years they were divorcing/divorced. There were kids to raise, and not enough money to support two households. Both couples hated the situation, and evidently each other. So it does happen. In one, the man lived in the basement. In the other, there was no basement, and they had to deal with each other in the same small space. They were miserable, and both stuck in the situation for years on end.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 10:56AM
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Myfam, Yes I seriously told you that because it IS true. You take what I say like I am bashing BM. Thats not what I was doing. From what I have read your DD's SM was TOW. And from your posting, it appears that you were a BM that was not easy to deal with. And really, you would rather a person be mean to your DD than to have been cheated on. Now thats selfish!!! I think you are confused. Yes I am married, have been alomost 2yrs. By next year we hope to have a baby. I am sure some you will love to bash that too.

Yes Mattie I have forgiven myself. I see nothing good in feeling gulity for a mistake that I have made the rest of my life. WE are very happy and the kids are doing well.
There is no need for me to forgive BM for her DD waiting on a ride. And just because your type "I'm not bashing you" does not mean that your not. How about someone takes your past mistakes and rubs them in your face? How would that feel???

We did not start our relationship out the "right" way but now the kids see a loving marriage. Two people that love on each other and enjoy one another. At least when they decide to look for a mate they will a different veiw in what a marriage is not just the business side of it. And really how long can Mom play the victim card???

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 3:31PM
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jess, you are incorrect myfampg's ex did not know SM when he was married to myfampg, in fact he met her years after divorcing myfampg. Where did you get all this from?

People generally do not condone lying, cheating or other immoral behavior not necessarily because they experienced it themselves.

It is understandable you made a mistake, but you put unreasonable expectations on BM, like expecting her to call or text you. What for? I think you lack compassion here.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 4:49PM
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Okay, no you do not have to feel guilty for the rest of your life for a mistake made years ago. But, BM does not have a specifc time line of when she SHOULD forgive and forget. I dont think that by seperating herself from you and DH or not contacting you directly she is playing the victim card. Just because you have forgiven yourself does not mean that she should. (ofcourse it is good for the soul to forgive and let go but she obviously is not ready and that is not a character flaw or a reason to complain) It is a lot easier to forgive yourself than for the person hurt to forgive. ESPECIALLY when she has to witness that happy loving marriage on a regular basis. And, you are not giving her a lot of opportunity to forgive by having the opinion that the marriage was a sham, or she is a this or that. Granted that may be what DH said but somewhere along the line you have to allow for the fact that he chose her and proceeded to have three children with her so things couldnt have been that bad the entire time. And, allow for the fact that at one time they were happy and respect and cherish that fact because out of it you got your three wonderful stepchildren. That kind of attitude is conducive to forgiveness... not discrediting her entire marriage and outing her as a defense of your mistakes. That is not taking responsibility that is deflecting. Accepting that the decisions that you and DH made are the reasons for her not contacting you directly or wanting to sit by herself and accepting that as a consequence of hurting someone is taking responsibility and opens the door to forgiveness. Ofcourse it is not easy and it can be frustrating but it is probably not easy and probably frustrating for her as well.

And, I can not imagine a single person on here that would bash you for adding a beautiful addition to your family.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 5:17PM
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"--And really how long can Mom play the victim card???" --

Well Jess, she might play it a very long long time. I'm not convinced though that she is playing at the ball games. She really might just not be the social type. She did sit with the other parents during SS's first longtime team, but after several years she may have just felt more comfortable and little by little get to know them. Maybe she's shy? Maybe there is a particular person in this bunch she does not want to be by (that is not even you). I'd still think sitting off to the side even if shy or tired really just serves to call attention to herself and perhaps get the other parents to whisper/wonder...but that is not your's to worry over.

As you say the kids usually are the ones to 'speak' objections about this or that, then unless the kids are saying to you/Dad 'stop coming', I'd keep going.

I thought I chose my words carefully so as not to 'bash' you. I was just reminding you that things are indeed different for you than they are for her. You'll remember my DS's 1st wife left for a rich man. But this lady is still my GS's mother, a mother he loves very much. My DS is happy now and remarried recently. He does co-parent well with his ex and my GS does have good stepparents, but it did take time and was not an easy 'get over it' road.

The kids are obviously learning to accept and be comfortable with you/Dad. You say you all have good times and laugh and have fun. You did wait for the baby decision to give the kids time and to get to know you. You know when you do have your first child I think you may view things a bit differently. I think you'll come to realize just how hard it can be for some mothers to 'share' their children especially under not the best of situations. Think how you would feel if five years down the road you suddenly start to have to pack weekend bags for your little one and wave bye as he/she heads off to a SM's house. That make believe SM might be a great lady and ever so kind and loving towards your child, but it really won't make much difference inside your heart, you'll still wish it didn't have to be.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 5:28PM
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"How about someone takes your past mistakes and rubs them in your face? How would that feel??? "

Jess, suppose I were to write in for advice and say that I had heard my neighbor's dog was left unattended during the day, and was having accidents. I work from home and offered to walk the dog at lunchtime, and neighbor just flat-out refused. I don't get it because dog would be better off and so would neighbor - why is she acting this way? And her kids bring the dog over to play in the evenings with my kids so it's not like I don't know the dog. I get some responses... and then someone points out that perhaps neighbor is still miffed that I got drunk and accidentally burnt down neighbor's house two years ago.

I say, her house was in disrepair anyway, the wiring was awful and it probably would have burnt sooner or later anyway, now she's got insurance money and can build a better, newer house, it was two years ago, it was an accident, I've forgiven myself and moved on, and her continued spite against me is just hurting the dog. These things may well all be true. But the fact remains that I burnt down her house, and I am guessing that most people would understand why neighbor wouldn't want to have anything to do with me, best interests of her dog or no.

You and DH destroyed this woman's marriage, for good or bad. Her kids suffered because of you and DH. It is unreasonable to expect every bit of her anger and hurt to have disappeared in a couple of years time.

How would I feel if someone rubs my past mistakes in my face? If I were oblivious to how my past mistakes were affecting the present, I would like to hope that I'd take some time to consider how my actions had resulted in these consequences, what had caused me to behave in a careless way in the first place and how I could avoid doing so again, and if there was any way I could make any sort of amends to anyone I'd hurt. And then I could work on forgiving myself, because I'd done my best to try to make something good come from it.

What I would hope that I would not do is to place blame on others; to excuse what I'd done because of whatever circumstances, to say that those I'd hurt "should have" (according to me) gotten over it by now, to feel that because I was happy everyone should be happy.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2011 at 8:43AM
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Wonderful analogy!

I am going to clear up the misunderstanding and then I think I'm done with this thread. Poor Missy - thread was highjacked a bit.
By me I think.

Dd's SM was not TOW -- I don't really know when she met my ex. But what may have made you think she was TOW is that after we were legally divorced ExDH and I kept getting back together, breaking up, getting back together and all the while, he was doing the same with now SM. I don't see her as ruining my marriage because we were already divorced but i blame ExDH for screwing us both around she was just the idiot that decided to stick with a cheater. In my opinion of course.

I'm not selfish Jess. I would take a knife to the head before wanting anyone to be mean to my daughter. When I said I would take a mean SM over TOW I meant mean to ME... SM is back and forth with my daughter. Mean. Not mean. Mean. Not mean. But she is consistently 'mean' to me. My statement was about ME. And how I feel. Wow that's selfish but afterall we weren't really talking about the kids we were talking about BM vs. SM. And why BM doesn't like SM. Really has nothing to do with the kids... Has to do with BM is not over the fact that another woman came in to her marriage.

My biodad got his girlfriend pregnant when I was almost 2. He was just about to celebrate his 14 year anniversary with my mom when girlfriend called up mom and said ummm I'm due in 3 weeks. My parents were immediately divorced. My dad went on to marry that girlfriend and had two kids with her. They divorced her 8 yrs later and married someone else, a few yrs later met someone else and divorced and remarried the someone else. It's been 30 yrs since this began and you would think that my mom would be thrilled that my dad has been mostly miserable but instead she isn't. You would think that she would be like 'look at me I married a wonderful man and we have had an amazing 27 years and he is the father my children needed' but she isn't. She is still not over the hurt that she felt when she answered the phone one day (14 years and three kids later) and found out that her husband had another life. She will probably never forgive him. Her life was bettered because of it. But the pain and misery she went thru can never be erased. Even though in the end, her life is better. And guess what? My biodad can't understand WHY she hates him so. SM #3 gets so angry wondering why can't she get over it yet?? Why is she still carrying this??
Well I don't think its healthy but none of us have the right to tell her how long she has to recover emotionally.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2011 at 10:35AM
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I think everyone makes mistakes however one needs to understand that there are consequences for every mistake and sometimes it takes long time to get those consequences cleared.

For example
1. If you didn't pay your bills on time, you get your credit messed up and it is going to take years to fix them

2.If you get speeding tickets, it is going to take years to clear it.

Soemtimes we'd like to erase consequences but it does nto work this way

3. So when you sleep with soemone else's husbands there are consequences such as their spouses and their kids will dislike you, or speak poorly of you, or avoid you. Those are the consequences and it might take many years to clear if ever (as some consequences never go away).

I think when people enetr into affairs with married people they must know the consequences they will face. Jess seems to be oblivious to the consequences she is facing and she wants her mistakes to be forgiven sooner. But it does not work this way. I don't understand why she is being puzzled that BM is not texting, or calling, or sitting further away or kids speak mean things. i don't think anyone is rubbing but rather explaining why things work certain way in this little family.

If I slept with SO while he was married to his ex, it would be silly of me to expect BM to send me texts or SDs to be nice to me. I think it is important to face the consequences of our behavior.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2011 at 4:18PM
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Well thanks for the help about 20 entries ago!!! LOL

    Bookmark   May 1, 2011 at 5:14PM
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