So my husband is having an affair

momof5angelsApril 8, 2009

He told me tonight. Our marriage has been going downhill for years...and for the last few months it was clear that we were both faking it and just going through the motions.

Still I'm hurt...he says a part of him still wants to be with me...but it would be easier if I just left him...

We have a mortgage, a home that I love, our children love each other, a chapter 13 bankruptcy...those aren't reasons to stay married...but what a mess.

I went through the shock...then the I am just sad. When does the angry spell come?

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Why do you have to leave him?? Kick his cheating A$$ out and let him sleep in the bed he made. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I hate this for you and the children. Maybe they can continue to have contact with each other. The word affair meaning it has BEEN going on for some time. What is his plan for this other woman? I wouldn't take sloppy seconds from no man. The mortgage, and Chapter 13 will have to be worked out in court but until a Judge tells you to leave keep your feet planted and pack his bag!!! I will be angry for you till you get it going for yourself. HUGS SWEETHEART!!

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 9:44AM
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before you take nike's advice (and I agree... he should leave!) make sure you get an individual bank account set up and clean out any joint ones you have. I don't know details but it can be a while before a support order, child or spousal, may be made... you need to survive. If his children live there (like I said, I don't remember your details) I can see where you would not want to disrupt their life but why disrupt your kids? If it were me, I'd offer to let the kids stay and give him the boot. I realize he probably wouldn't go for that but he needs to lie in his bed... sorry for the kids!!!

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 10:03AM
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Oh hon...huge (((HUGS)))

I agree with nike and Ima. Kick his @$$ out, you don't deserve this!

"Still I'm hurt...he says a part of him still wants to be with me...but it would be easier if I just left him"

What a bunch of BS that statement is. He is a coward....I don't like how he's putting this all on you. HE cheated, HE is at fault here, and now he's saying it would be easier if you left him???? Tell him to not let the door hit him in the @$$ on the way out!

Again, big (((HUGS))) to you. Stay strong girl--that anger will come and with it will come a sense of "I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE TREATED THIS WAY!"

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 10:36AM
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If you leave they can say you abandoned him and he gets everything. Judges do not like to reverse other judges decision. Get a lawyer and get the funds frozen if you can. My Sis's husband took $250,000, all of the assets but the house and her car. She had no income, can't work because of her health. The judge did give her $1,700 a month in alimony, but she has no savings, no interest money, just soc security. If he dies she has nothing.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 11:15AM
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good advice from everyone here.

All I can add is an "Amen" & good thoughts.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 11:49AM
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(((((big hugs))))))

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 11:58AM
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Big hugs being sent your way . . .
Stargazzer is right - if you are the one to leave it can actually be very harmful in custody and divorce matters. DO NOT give him an easy out. He created this issue - why in God's name should you do a d@mn thing to help him feel better about it?? Contact an attorney immediately and start seperating your accounts now.

Please keep us posted and know you are in our thoughts . . .

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 12:18PM
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Yes, JNM and Stargazzer have good points. Don't be the one to leave. Protect your *ass*ets.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 12:46PM
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sorry...yes, i would be afraid to leave because he can always say he didn't want to divorce you, you left him. kick him out. sorry, tough times for you. but you will survive. take care fo your finances and your children. hugs...

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 1:19PM
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I am so sorry for you. But know that you will get through this and be much happier in the end!! Do not leave and let him win....he is the cheater who created this mess so let him be inconvenienced by it! Get a lawyer and get some advice quick!

Going back and reading through some of your old posts makes me think your much better off without him. From what you posted before he was not much help with any of the kids, nor was he really there for you a lot. So pretty much he let you be his live in nanny while he persued another woman.

Be mad at him! Be furious with him! This is his fault!! Watch out for you and your kids now.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 1:39PM
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Please see a lawyer. And good luck.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 1:53PM
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I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I went through it a year ago and I'd like to recommend a website that was very helpful to me. It is:

The site is very closely monitored so it remains a "safe place" for betrayed spouses. Everyone there has gone through this and the support and advice are absolutely wonderful. In addition, there is a healing library with some great articles that might help you as you go through this.


    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 11:25PM
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So so so sorry to hear you are going through this:( I am in total agreance with the other ladies that you should stay put. Do NOT leave. I don't know if he said that hoping to ease his guilt or save his wallet but either way don't give him the satisfaction. Let him lay in the cheating bed he made. I can't even believe he had the brass to ask you to leave! What a weenie.

As far as the children go...poor babies. I know this is probably a big chunk of your worry right now. Maybe they can maintain a relationship even after the split some how. Give it a little time to work itself out.


    Bookmark   April 9, 2009 at 1:24PM
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Thank you to everyone for your words of advice and comfort. This has been a horrible week...Actually a horrible year.

I'm going to miss my stepchildren horribly. My eldest will as well. My SD14 and DS15 have become best friends...but knowing how vindictive my DH is, I will probably never be able to see them again. This is heartbreaking.

This last week has been horribly uncomfortable and upsetting for me. We have a marital counseling session on Tuesday...but I have an appointment with a divorce attorney on Wednesday so obviously my heart is not in it. I wanted this to work...but it just isn't. I truly loved him. Still do. But I know I will be fine...the first few days without him around will be difficult...but each day it will get better.

Today I went to pick my stepchildren up from a visit with their mother. Their mother approached me and said that SS9 was upset because he got a spanking...They apparently bought BB guns for all of the kids for Christmas and SS9 shot out a window in a shed. I didn't make a big huge deal over it in front of her. She said there were 10 shots in the window and that is why he had to get a spanking. When they got in the van, I said "Uh-oh, SS9, did you get a spanking?" He said "Yes, and then he broke my gamecube and..." SD14 turned around a shushed him. As always, I told my husband as soon as I got home about what happened. I always do. If anybody has seen some of my posts about BM's husband, he is an alcoholic who we know was abusive to his last wife...he has said some horrible things to the kids. My husband has blown most of what I have told him off.

Tonight I was feeling the stress and started crying. My DH tried to approach me and hug me. I told him I just had to leave. It was late and I thought all of the kids were asleep. I went for a drive and called some friends on my cell for about an hour. When I got back home the following message was left in a notepad for me (names changed, of course)..someone may have seen my post about how my skids always come back with headaches or sick. I told DH that I was concerned about this and we even did a (drug) pee test on my SD because we were worried that they were being subjected to meth production. (We told her that it was for insurance purposes.) The skids had all the symptoms of it (headaches, respiratory problems, etc):

DH wrote:
I went to get water and heard SD14 in her room crying. DS15 and SS12 were in there with her. They were talking about what happened today with SS9. Then SS12 broke down and they both told me what's been going on. BM's Husband has punched BM in the face and he hits SS12 and SS9 with the back of his wrist and gives them headaches. BM's Husband's kid was telling SS9 to keep shooting at the window, and when it broke he ran to the house and told that SS9 just broke the window. Then he hit SS9 up his back, the back of his neck, and the back of his head with the wrist while holding him so he couldn't get away. SS12 explained that this is the way BM's Husband hit's them...sounds to me like BM's Husband has practice at this. He knows how to hit in such a way that won't leave bruises. SD14 texted her mom to let her know that I said they do not have to go there when BM's Husband is there, because they are scared of him. BM said she is going to call us tomorrow. If they are scared to go, I will not make them go. I AM sorry for hurting you. You don't deserve it. Signed, DH

This crap was going on when I met my DH...and I'm going out the same way...I tried to tell my husband about what looked like abuse. They wouldn't come right out and say it but there were signs and they gave hints. DH was awake tonight. I didn't know...We talked. He said he didn't have a clue. I told him he must not have been listening to me because I have been telling about this man and at least his verbal abuse for 2 years now. How can I protect them? I have raised them for 4 years now and no one gives a damn. I have spent more time with them than their BM, DH and BM's Stepdad combined...and here I am. The flipping person trying to make life better when everyone else is destroying it.

I want to protect them, but how can I? I'm not even a part of the equation anymore...and when I tried to help or protect them in the past it was ignored or blown off. Now I'm the jaded wife...cheated on and tossed aside. It's going to be hard staying in this house for the next few weeks...sitting back and watching situations that I cannot do anything about. I feel like taking my 2 biological sons and running away...but how can I leave my skids like this? Especially considering I don't even have a choice anymore?

I'm just sick...depressed...and for the first time in a week, I am looking forward to leaving. I just wish I could take all of the kids with me.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2009 at 5:20AM
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Mom of five, you brought tears to my eyes. I don't have any advice for you. Just know we're out here, in cyberspace, and you have a friend in California thinking of you and praying for your family.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2009 at 1:00PM
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I am SO sorry for all you are going through. But look at it this way if you can - you spent 4 years trying to help your skids with no results . . . until now. If nothing else, perhaps this will be the turning point with their dad and he will man up and start protecting his kids like he should have long ago. It may be too late for all of you together, but not too late for them and their safety. Perhaps he will see how good you are for them and not break ties 100% You could always fight for step parent visitation - if the kids are all close I bet they would join in the fight.

I have a co-worker and friend who has her ex-SD EOW Friday night and some weekdays. Dad can be an a$$ but she is still the sister of their son together and the step sister of her other 2 kids, and he gets that.

Hang in there. Keep us posted, and know we are sending you strength.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2009 at 1:39AM
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I was thinking the same thing as JNM. Maybe the only good that will come out of this whole situation is that DH finally opened his eyes to the abuse and will finally man up.

It sounds like your dh is realizing what he is loosing, but I don't think I could advise staying. Some people are able to work through and affair. But from all the things you have posted in the past his affair affected all aspects of your life. It was not just the fact that he was sleeping with someone else, but he was neglecting all of you. He left you to raise his kids and do all the running. And he refused to help with your kids when you needed him to run to their school. He treated you all like crap!

You deserve so much better.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2009 at 11:25AM
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"...he was neglecting all of you. He left you to raise his kids and do all the running. And he refused to help with your kids when you needed him to run to their school. He treated you all like crap!"

You deserve so much better.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2009 at 2:24PM
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momof5, that is one of the saddest situations I have ever heard. I am so sorry for what you are going through, please stay strong and know at the end of the day you can hold your head up high, just knowing you did everything RIGHT!! Those kids are so lucky to have you, but it's time you thought of YOU now. You have paved the way so DH's kids can start to have a better life. Now it's your time!!

    Bookmark   April 14, 2009 at 4:32PM
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Momof5, my heart goes out to you. Your story is so sad.

    Bookmark   April 15, 2009 at 2:46PM
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I'm so sorry for you. Can't you protect those kids by calling child protective services on the BM and her alcoholic husband? That is a completely separate issue from what's going on with you and DH.

Like everyone else says, get an attorney quickly and maybe a forensic accountant. He should leave, not you. Does BM and her husband know about what's happening between you two? If they don't, keep it that way!!! You don't need them in the mix.

Probably the most stable and least hurtful scenario is for your husband to get an apartment, hotel room, friend's couch while you sort things out and all of the kids continue to stay with you.

As stargazzer and others said, YOU DON'T leave, he does.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2009 at 8:27PM
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What a horrible 3 weeks this has been. I haven't even had the strength to post. We went to counseling. It was very uneventful. He did email his mistress and told her that he was going to work on his marriage. She emailed back and said "You are already told me to back off and I hope you guys can work things out." From what I understand, there was no contact for a few days. He has been totally back and forth. One minute he loves me...the next he doesn't love anyone or anything and feels "numb." During the numb times he is insisting that he needs help. He says he needs to talk to someone to figure out what is going on and asks me to help him...the next minute he doesn't love me at all...but then the next minute he reminds me that he does love me and needs help...and says "I've been telling you for weeks. I NEED HELP. I need to talk to someone." The back and forth had almost totally destroyed me.

A couple of weeks ago he came to me, grabbed me and told me that he loved me and I was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

By the next day he was cold again. I said nothing. No talking at all...until 2 days later. He "didn't love me again." By the following Tuesday he was going to go stay with his "sister." We ended up going to counseling that night anyway. Again uneventful. He was supposed to go in for 30 minutes and then I was supposed to go in for 30 minutes with him. He stayed in for 50 minutes and the counselor spent the next 10 minutes telling me that I needed to make deposits into his emotional bank account and not mention the affair...and she said this in front of him...yeah right. I did spend the week being civil with no questions about his affair or anything else for that matter.

Last Thursday was the worst day of all. My mother found out that she has cancer...I drove 200 miles to my hometown with my DS's to see her this past weekend and my skids went to their BM's new house to visit. I had a great times with my boys and visiting with family. It was just a break from the Hell of the last 3 weeks. As for my H, spent the weekend with mistress. He told me so in a "Dear John" email this past Monday, the day after I got back. He said that, as I had suggested a couple of weeks ago, he should stay somewhere else at night. He said he hoped that I had found someone and slept with them while I was in my hometown for the weekend because he had seen his mistress and would continue to do so. He emailed me on Monday just before leaving work and told me to let his kids know that he would be visiting with his sister who had company for the night. I nonchalantly told them that he was visiting with her and would be staying there tonight.

I laid down...okay but depressed a bit. The phone rang and it was my H. He wanted to know what was going on with his daughter. She had called BM crying and saying that Dad wasn't coming home and was staying with sis...BM called sis who didn't know a thing about it and sis called H at work to ask what was going on...I went to get SD14 and asked her if she was okay. I told her that H was just visiting for the night and she said "I just want him to come home....My mom is getting a divorce and nana has cancer and so does my friend and now Dad isn't here."

Turns out that a friend I confided in told her daughter about the affair a week ago and that friend told my SD14 about it. She knew her dad wasn't just going for a visit...I felt horrible finding out that she knew all that time.

To my disgust, H came to the house. What ticked me off is that he came straight to our room and remained there. For the first time since I found out on the 7th, I got ticked off. I told him that he needed to talk to the kids about what is going on and he needed to LEAVE. I was NOT going to deal with him being in the same room as me.

Tuesday was horrible. It was his day off and he went on and on with how he didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me anymore, had nothing for me, only stayed with me out of jealousy and name it, he said it.

Then on Tuesday afternoon we decided to talk to the kids. By this time I would call what I was getting from him emotional abuse...but we talked calmly with the kids. Told them that I was moving back to my hometown but not until June, when the skids would be going to their Mom's for the summer. My SD14 instantly said "When she leaves I want to go live with my Mom." She repeated this about 8 times...with H saying that he knows he hasn't been a very good dad for the last few years but he was going to do better. She said that she didn't want to offend him but she wanted to go live with BM...that she didn't want to be responsible for her brothers all the time and she didn't want him bringing other women into the house. She told me that I would always be one of her Moms and she always wanted to visit. When she said again that she wanted live with BM but wanted me to come down to her Dad's when she visited so that we could hang out like a family, I started to cry. Of course, I talked up Dad...saying that the decision of where she lives is up to her Dad and BM but that I knew her Dad loved her...

She left the room saying "Dad I want to talk to you later about living with Mom, okay?"

After SD14 left the room I started crying. I said "This is hard." H agreed and started crying. He said he knew that he just had to remain strong...he asked if he should take me to my counseling appointment...I said whatever. As I took a shower he talked to SD14 who maintained that she didn't want to live with him.

We got in the van and as soon as we got down the road he started crying and said "I need to be totally honest with you. I have fallen head over heels for "mistress."" Now that hurt. I didn't need to hear that...and I told him so...very loudly. He said he can't believe what he is doing to his family over an affair.

The hour drive was completely silent for the rest of the trip. We got there and he said "Should I just wait here?" I said sure...he followed me in. He then told me that he was going to wait in the van...but he came back a minute later, just as my counselor came out. She was shocked to see both of us and asked if she would be talking to us both. I told her no, just me and went in. I walked out of that office strong as ever.

I knew I deserved better. I had found some strength and wanted to do what I could to take care of the kids and not worry about the drama anymore. H could kiss my ass.

I walked out smiling. H was waiting there. I noticed that his eyes were red. We got to the van and I told him that I was so glad that I came...that I felt much better.

He instantly broke down into tears and said "That is what I need!! I have been setting on that couch for 45 minutes and all I wanted to do is just beg you for forgiveness. What is wrong with me? Why am I destroying my family over lust? That is what it is and I know it. I know I'm not ready for a relationship right now and she says she doesn't want one either. I don't know why I am doing this. But I can't bare to watch you go and I can't bare to never talk to her again." This continued on and on for the entire drive with him repeatedly breaking down into tears. Repeatedly mentioning what a good mother I was. I couldn't even cry. The pain of what was being said was bad enough.

Basically, "I can't decide who I want. Do I choose the woman I am falling in love with or the woman who takes care of my children?"

We got home and I was just exhausted. I called some friends on the phone and just avoided him. I went to sleep at around midnight. At 5:30 he woke me up crying and hugging me. Then he sat up and said "I don't know what to do." We talked for 2 hours and then he went to work.

He got home on Wednesday over an hour late...he had been with his mistress and was treating me like trash again. Once again saying that he only said he loved me out of guilt and confusion but he didn't actually love me. Through all of this for the last 3 weeks I tried to remember him begging and crying for help. He says he needs help and then says he doesn't love me...then he says "Why aren't you helping me??? I've been telling you that I need help!"

I was done. We had it out and then he left. I was relieved. I called my parents and told him that I felt like I could finally breath. I laid down a couple of hours later and was just about to drift off to sleep when the bedroom door opened. He said "Oh, I thought you were asleep." I just said "WHAT are you DOING HERE?" Not angrily just fed up. He stripped down to his undies and laid down by me, saying he wasn't going to sleep in the car and he wasn't going to argue. He told me to go sleep in the van.

I got up, grabbed my pillow and went to the spot that he SHOULD have gone too. The couch. I fell asleep and when I woke up he was gone to work.

I emailed him and told him that I could not take anymore. This was just too difficult for me and he needed to find somewhere to stay. I was not going to deal with this and I needed to reserve my strength to take care of the kids.

He emailed me just before leaving work to see if the kids would be okay for the night with me. I told him of course. He emailed back "What I mean is do I need to come by the house for anything." I told him "I will take care of the kids as I always have. NO, do not come here."

He called 30 minutes later from a number I don't recognize and don't care to recognize. He asked again if the kids would be okay for the night. I told him "Of course." He said "Okay"...I said "See ya" and hung up.

And then my 5 kids and I had the greatest night ever. We went out for soda and candy bars and hung out talking until 11:30. I had always been so structured but I didn't even care that it was a school night. We could never do this at night with H around because he always pushed them off to other things. I felt better tonight with him gone than I have felt in AGES.

I don't know what is going to happen today...My SD14 has a cold and I let her stay home today. She is afraid that he is going to come and get her and take her off somewhere like he did when we separated in 2006. (He just told them to come on and drove to his hometown 1000 miles away with nothing but the clothes on their backs.) I told her not to worry. I don't think that will happen. But in all honesty it may just happen.

I'm totally done. I'm fine. I'm sure there will be moments of sadness, especially when I see my skids for the last time and when I leave this house which were buying together and I thought I would remain in for decades to come...but I deserve better than this. I know that I do.

Please pray for all of us, especially my mother. She is having surgery on May 13th. Today is my DS15's 16th birthday party. Much prep to do! And the kids will all be here for it. All week I had been worried that they couldn't be...and DS15 was worried as well.

What a mess...but everything will work out as God intended it to, I'm sure.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 8:20AM
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WOW! Sounds like your H keeps going back and forth in his mind. He decides he wants to be with you and he tries to mend the fences. Then he decides that he wants to be with the mistress so he tries to push you away. What a horrible rollercoaster for you to ride with him!

Bottom line if he does not know that he wants to be with you then let him go! It sounds like that is what your doing and your very strong for doing that.

I wish you the best of luck in this horrible time!

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 9:32AM
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My prayers are with you and your family. ((HUG))

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 9:58AM
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Wow, I haven't had a chance to read thru every word of the posts ---just skimming--- but I basically agree with everyone who advises you to stand strong and don't leave: let HIM leave, let HIM clean up his own mess. He's already made it abundantly clear what he thinks of you: "the woman who takes care of my children". HE'S A B^STARD!!!

I think some of his "honesty" is downright disgusting and transparently abusive, and I have to wonder if it's an intentional ploy to get you so hurt and upset that you can't deal with it and leave out of sheer anguish. Thus making things easier and convenient for him. Why else does someone rub dirt into your face by telling you such things as "he didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me anymore, had nothing for me, only stayed with me out of jealousy and desperation..." and smearing it in that he's "fallen in love" with her, and even worse: the LUST thing. Maybe it's just me and the fact that I invest a lot of my self-worth ---for better or worse--- in being an attractive woman, but the LUST for another woman thing almost stings more than an emotional affair would... I know that's a little backwards, but I also think it's pretty common for women to be EXTREMELY touchy about sex and attractiveness. He knows it, too.

I'd also be tempted to respond to him, when he says things to you like: "I can't decide who I want. Do I choose the woman I am falling in love with or the woman who takes care of my children?" with "well, the woman you're so in love with now will soon be the one taking care of your children instead of me so it looks like you'll have it both ways. Can you handle that or is it too much for your object-splitting, madonna-whore complex brain to comprehend?" And also, when he says: "What is wrong with me? Why am I destroying my family over lust? That is what it is and I know it", I would say "because you're an idiot who hasn't discovered Penthouse and a bottle of lotion."

Let him go enjoy a few more months of lust, then sit back and laugh as he grows tired of her while you're moving on with your life and finding a more meaningful relationship with someone far better. Make sure it's someone who makes you LAUGH.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 10:10AM
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Sad sad story Momof5,You do sound like you will be fine..Go thru with your move to hometown, and dont look back...I can predict whats going to happen with that joker DH of yours. Mistress will get sick of him and he will be crawling back yet again..By then hopefully you are far away, strong and back on the road to sanity and happiness.I think there is some bad karma for people like your EX DH who inflict pain and then cry for themselves..He will find himself all alone someday, and reflect on all the pain he s caused you and the kids..Best of luck to you(and your mom)

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 10:12AM
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I love serenity's comments!! Made me think of a few of my own.

For example when dh tells you he does not know what he wants be sure to let him know he no longer has a choice. He may as well choose the other woman because your not an option! And when he tells you that he has lost attraction to you make sure to let him know that you no longer feel anything but disgust for him.

And let him know that his children wanting to leave is a direct result of his horrible parenting. You took care of those kids and they bonded with you. He ignored them and they don't want to be there without you!! That says a lot for you and a lot about him.

And I am sorry to hear about your mom. Hopefully will all the medical advances they have now she will beat cancer. A few members of my family did, even when their cases seemed near hopeless.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 11:01AM
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You are being way to kind letting him cry on your shoulder. Next time he wants to kick you out of your bed to sleep in the van tell him to go F himself and he should have thought of that before he forgot where his bed was the first time. That isn't the Christian way to handle it but it wasn't a Christian thing for him to do. I hope his kids to go live with BM and the tramp drops him too and he can sit in his own crap all by himself. Then you find a much younger body builder who treats you like a queen and has pockets full of money. He can eat his heart out.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 12:51PM
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Nike and Serenity said it all. These are worth repeating.

"Next time he wants to kick you out of your bed to sleep in the van tell him to go F himself and he should have thought of that before he forgot where his bed was the first time."

When he asks "What is wrong with me? Why am I destroying my family over lust?... I would say "because you're an idiot who hasn't discovered Penthouse and a bottle of lotion."

"...he can sit in his own crap all by himself. Then you find a much younger body builder who treats you like a queen and has pockets full of money. He can eat his heart out."

"...sit back and laugh as he grows tired of her while you're moving on with your life and finding a more meaningful relationship with someone far better. Make sure it's someone who makes you LAUGH.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 2:14PM
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It sounds to me like your DH has clinical depression. The on again/off again affection, the mood swings. My ex (bipolar) had several affairs. Three of my good friends ended up divorced after their depressed husbands started having affairs. I think he's getting an emotional boost from the affair. You should visit your family doctor and have a chat.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 6:34PM
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Why should she visit her family doctor and have a chat? It's HIS problem. He can fix himself, not her responsibility, not her job to be 'understanding' while he beats the emotional sh*t out of her and the children. She's doing the right thing, kicking his *ss to the curb.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 9:38PM
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I agree with weed, this guy not only cheated, he emotionally abused her by saying awful things. why does she need to visit her doctor? he left her for another woman, why does she need to fix him? he is capable of fixing hismelf, he is not a child.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2009 at 10:07PM
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It really sounds like this man is going through mid life crisis and even clinical depression....BUT he is also lusting after a woman. That is waht it is. He lusts her and other woman clearly told him she wants nothing serious, and hopes he works it out with wife.
THe problem is him! and yes i agree with everyone! BOOT his F'n *SS on the couch and you sleep in yoru own bed. Better yet, tell him to moveout and you stay in that house.
3. KEEp the house, and the kids, tellhim to stay out whereever he is.
4. He can go and fix his emotions crap and not abuse you in the mean time.
ANd i do pray for all of you and yoru mother. She'll be fine. Dont worry. The doctors and nurses will take good care of her.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 9:40AM
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She can't fix him, and she shouldn't even try. In fact, in the long run, she'll be better off without a mentally ill partner.

But it does help to understand why it's happening. I went through the emotional abuse and the heartbreak of affairs. However, until I understood clinical depression, I always had some niggling doubts that some of the problems were my fault. My ex was great at assigning blame and at dragging up every defect that I had. It was very hard on my self esteem.

The best advice I ever got was from my family doctor. She had seen the same thing dozens of times and knew exactly what it was like to live with a depressive. She recommended some great books. Once I understood the problem, I sought out other people who'd had similar experiences. A support network helped me to feel less alone and better about myself.

Here are a few fact that might be familiar to you:

-the average age of a major depressive episode in a man is 41
-unlike women (who get blue), clinical depression tends to make men irritable and sometimes aggressive
- in men, symptoms include as affairs and abuse of pornography

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 10:05AM
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