How hard is it, really

justnotmarthaApril 3, 2009

To attend a stinking 90 minute meeting for your child's activity??

Tonight was a meeting for SD's sport at the high school she'll be attending next year. I let BM know about it a month ago, and then reminded her Monday. SD is with her tonight through Sunday, but we didn't know if she was working and SD would be here or if she had today off and would pick SD up from school. She emailed Wednesday that if SD wanted to be involved they would make the meeting. I replied she'd just said the night before she still did and I would meet them there.

So today BM emails and asks "Do we have to be there tonight?" That's it. We didn't get the email until tonight. SD shows up here after school and her mom shows up 30 minutes late - 4:30. We then get a call at 6:10 from SD that she and BM won't be coming to the meeting because they went shopping after she picked her up, so SD has to do her homework and BM has to fix dinner right then.

Seriously?? Obviously BM had changed her mind about going. Why could she not have left SD here to go to the meeting with me if she didn't feel like it? Why did SD have to miss it? It's not like this was sprung on her at the last minute. How hard would it have been to go straight home, do homework, fix a quick dinner and make the meeting. BM had the whole day off and couldn't even get here on time to pick SD up!

It's really frustrating, because through I worked a full day with no lunch and came home long enough to change and leave for the meeting w/o any dinner I still made it. The word sacrifice is not in her vocab and it just drives me to drink.

What I'm worried about is SD's sport next year. They outlined just how much of a parental commitment it requires as well as the girls, and I fear BM won't hold up her end. . . . especially if she can't even manage to go to the initial meeting!! SD is penalized for missing anything or being late, but this is a regular thing for BM to do. I don't know if we should allow SD to participate if it's going to be a battle every week. Remember too that just a few months ago when SD and BM had it out in my living room because SD wanted less visitation time that BM promised to make more of an effort to be involved and drive the whole 20 minutes over here more often so SD didn't miss out on things because she was at her mom's. HA.

I'm just so irritated. She will never change. She will never do anything inconvenient for her for the sake of her daughter. I will NEVER be able to understand how a person like that can consider themselves a good parent.

Thanks guys. You can bill me for my 'therapy.'

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mom2emall

That is just ridiculous! BM is truly lazy and selfish!!

Was sd piss** at her?

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 10:33AM
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silversword

Ditto Mom2.

Let her do the sport. Let her be penalized for BM's tardiness. It's going to come to a head sooner or later, why deny the inevitable?

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 10:36AM
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kkny

I cant remember everyone here. Is the girl they use as a babysitter?

Why should SD have to suffer?

I would tell DH he has given BM too many chances. He must go for change in custody. High school is important -- its not just sports -- if they have no committment to SD then it must be changed. You dont want to wake up 4 years from now, with SD with a series of missed classes and activities, no chance for any college or scholarship. The time is now.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 12:10PM
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finedreams

kkny I think dad already has full custody and SD just goes to moms with visits. I think it just happened that meeting was on mom's visitations day. Mom just doesn't care. I just think dad and JNM have to stop relying on mom at this point. Give it up.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 12:38PM
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justnotmartha

yep - DH has full custody, it was mom's visitation day and this is the glorified babysitter, KK. Tryouts in two weeks are on her day as well. WONDERFUL.

Sd tried to talk to her mom about less visitation for high school a few months ago (the fight in my living room) and mom refused. She promised to be more accomodating. We figured we would give her the chance before calling our attorney. It's not even high school yet and she's showing her true colors. MORE WONDERFUL.

But here is the best. Today she emailed that she never planned to go. Hello? She emailed that she would be there w/SD. And why wouldn't she plan to go?? wouldn't she want to be involved and know what commitment it would take from all of us? She actually said since SD told her I was going that she didn't think she had to. Again, if you want to be involved why wouldn't you??

She actually said we were 'babying' SD by arranging these things between the parents, and that it should be up to SD to coordinate things regarding her activities. I guess I don't get what there was to co-ordinate? There was a meeting. I told her about it. What else is there to do?

I've yet to respond. Still don't even know what to say.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 7:04PM
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eandhl

"She actually said we were 'babying' SD by arranging these things between the parents, and that it should be up to SD to coordinate things regarding her activities.
Okay then as I see it your SD can arrange things and not go to her bio mom when there is something important to SD going on. Her bio mom has proved to be unreliable.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 7:39PM
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justnotmartha

eandhl, I like the way you think!!

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 8:09PM
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sweeby

"Okay then as I see it your SD can arrange things and not go to her bio mom when there is something important to SD going on"

You know, that might be just the ticket!
SD texts Mom: "Practice Thurs at 4:00. See you Friday instead?"

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 9:10PM
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liesbeth

JNM so sorry to hear about that, totally annoyed on your behalf overhere!

Ok so I agree with others that it's not good for SD to miss out on the sports because BM can't commit. Can you maybe arrange for SD to be with you on the days that she has the sports activity, and for BM to have a different day for visitation?

I have no illusions that BM will take SD to her activity, so if you don't want her to miss out you'll need to take her yourself on those days. Could BM be persuaded to swap days for the duration of this sports thing?

It sounds like BM tries to 'buy' SD with shopping and doing other 'cool stuff' rather than being responsible (= boring) by cooking a quick meal and attending the meeting. She's more like friends then parent-daughter. But having said that, I wouldn't want a 'friend' like that..

    Bookmark   April 3, 2009 at 9:13PM
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mom_of_4

I am just wondering what was Sd's response to not attending meeting? Did she say anything to BM? What did they go shopping for?

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 2:41PM
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kkny

I thought from prior posts that mom was too concerned with her new kids with new dh. JNM, pls remind me. And that I suspect she wont give up "her" weekends is because she needs babysitter.

Dad gave her a chance. Its over. He should print out the emails, keep journal of discussions.

Please do not say SD should be penalized for mom's inactivity. SD is a child that is not fair.

Lets all look forward four years.

Option 1 -- Do nothing, continue to put up with mom irresponsible. SD is graduating HS, but just barely, missed weekend group projects, no activities. Her friends are going off to college. She is sitting on her bed crying.

Option 2 -- Dad gives up on mom. D progresses and particpates fully in HS. Is now considering her options re college.

THE QUESTION IS WHO DOES DAD GIVE UP ON, SD OR MOM?

THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 3:28PM
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imamommy

I agree if mom said SD should arrange it, then SD has a voice in visitation schedule that conflicts with activity. BM gave her the voice by saying she should be responsible for arranging her own activities. I agree. Let SD make the decision.

DH & I were discussing a similar situation. SD told me she wants to play sports but the games would be on BM's weekends. Options that we discussed are asking BM to bring SD to games or let her stay the extra day with us and pick her up from the games. Either one would ensure 1) BM would get to have her mom attend her games. or 2) BM would make SD miss her games. or 3) BM would give up her weekends and time with SD. I know she'd love option #1 but fears she'd get option #2 or #3. She went as far as telling me that she wants her mom to be there but she'd still rather play, even if it means less time with her mom. She says her mom doesn't really spend much time with her anyways when she is at BM's house.

Since DH sent BM the email about sticking to the order, he does not want to ask BM if she'd agree to let SD play a sport. I told him he can file a motion and see what the Judge says.. he does not want to take that route because it's timely and expensive. The other option would be to sign her up and let BM take him to court for scheduling an activity on her time... which we doubt she will do. (If she did, she would have to explain why she hasn't paid her support, doesn't visit as she is supposed to and then convince the court that it's not in her daughter's best interest to play a sport she wants to play and spend time with a mom that doesn't really want to spend time with her)

Either way, you have to do whatever is necessary for the child's best interests. If you have to go back to court so she can participate.. do it. She only gets one chance to be a teen and it should not be sacrificed to make mom happy or be mom's babysitter. Dad is custodian and he needs to decide what is best for his daughter.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 4:32PM
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kkny

Just to clarify, occasional short term babysitting is not the issues. Every teen should have mix of fun free time and homwork/chores/family time. Outside job and opporunites depend on situaition.

I have a D graduating HS this year. Every year there are weekends that involve not only sports, but trips to library, group work seesions, etc. It doesnt seem like JNM SD's mom lives that far away, so possibly the answer is one day on weekends. But if I were dad, and I found that SD was spending the entire day babsyitting, I woudl say part of one day.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2009 at 5:27PM
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