If things weren't bad enough...
Normally I post on here as a SM, but now I find myself having to defend myself as a BM. Quick background...
Ex and I divorced in '03, agreed on everything, divorce OK. Typical custody agreement, shared parental custody with me as primary, and he with liberal visitation. We divorced because I moved to another state to set up house; he was to close on everything at former home, and move down. We had problems, lost our home due to poor business choices on his part...we needed the brief separation. That was in '01.
Fast forward...it is now '09, and he is still not here. We have both since remarried, and he purchased a home here with DD's SM. However, he is only here 1-2 weekends a month. When BD cannot make it down here, I have still let DD go to BD home with SM. It helped her develop a relationship with BM, and gave us both a break. Since SM wants to do it, I have no problem. DD was going there 1 day during the week (BD not there), but with the new SF and new Step-siblings here, it was important for us to bond. So I asked that we stick to EOW for a while. SM was not happy, and let DD know it. DD complained at first, but now seems OK with it. The only time she says anything is after she's spoken with SM. Anyway, this upcoming weekend is BD weekend and holiday (Easter). However, I was informed that BD could not make it down. Now, any of us who have custody agreements know all about first right of refusal. So I decided that I would like to keep her for the holiday, being our first year as a SF. DD was disappointed b/c she'd planned a shopping trip w/SM over the weekend. So I told her that she could do both, go with SM Friday into Sat. evening; then be home for Sun., Easter. So she told SM, who was not happy.
Next thing I know, I am getting a call from ex, who is reading me the riot act about how my DD has a family at his home too and what about them???? I told him about our plan to split the weekend, but that was not enough for him. I told him that the holiday had been on the calendar since last year, and that it wasn't my fault that he just couldn't make it down here for it. After he proceeded to tell me that I was being unreasonable and controlling, I reminded him of the first refusal right that I rarely exercise. He went off and told me that he was sick of the "way things are" and he would see me in court. He then hung up. I called him back and told him that the only thing he would succeed in doing would be destroying our DD's life. I feel so bad for my DD. She hates being put in the middle and absolutely hates when people argue, especially when she's involved. Now we are talking court? It will get downright nasty if it gets to that point. If her BD has not put her first in his life before, what makes me think he will do so now? I have made more concessions for BD and SM than I can list. There was a point that we could work together, but now SM wants to stir the pot, thinking that they will get custody and she will get the child she can't have herself.
I am a good mother. I have no drug or alcohol addictions. I do not abuse my DD. I put my DD's needs first...always have. She struggles right now with adjustment to new SF, but there are no grounds for him to take me to court other than things are not going the way they want them to. I know I have no worries about custody; the judge will either scold him or laugh him right out of the courtroom. But my concern is the impact it will have on my DD. She struggles enough already with middle school (she's not one of the popular kids), and stepfamily issues. She's mentioned suicide once or twice and has been in counseling since SM entered her life. DD tells me she no longer knows who to trust (meaning me, SM, BD, etc.) or who she can beleive.
Add the problems we've been having in our newly formed mixed household of (now)5, her stress level is sky high. I just don't know which way to turn! Any advice? Help please!