Horrible, horrible night

lovehadleyApril 7, 2009

I am just so shaken and devastated at the events that transpired tonight.

Warning: this will be LONG.

DH called me at 3 pm today and said he needed me to go pick SS up from school. (It was not our night to have him.) He said BM had called him and was out at a bar drunk. She had called DH crying and said she and her DH were fighting, she was out drinking and didn't want to get her son.

DH was at work and couldn't leave so he asked me to go get him. SIGH.I agreed, and after I got my DD from school, we headed out and picked SS up from school. He was surprised to see us but happy nonetheless. I told him his mom was "sick."

(LORD--my mom is an alcoholic and my dad used to say the same stuff to us.)

So we got home around 5 pm and ten minutes later I hear knocking at my backdoor. I went to the door and it was BM! EEK. I was floored and didn't know what to do. I cracked the door open and asked her what she wanted and she said she just wanted to talk to her son.

She was sooo drunk. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and she was slurring her words and just looked like death. I told her no, I didn't think it was a good idea, that if she wanted she could sit in her car while I called my DH and had him come home. Well, then, of course, SS and my DD came running to the back door and SS saw his mom and was all excited---so she came in. (I did let her in. I suppose I could have insisted/threatened to call the police but at this point she was being emotional/nice. Hindsight is 20-20, I really should not have let her inside.)

So BM wound up staying for an hour and a half. She sat in my kitchen and cried and told me how horrible her life is, how blessed her son is to have me, she's a loser mother,etc. A big old pity party for her. She's leaving her DH, etc. I really didn't know what to do. I gave her water and then made her some coffee. THEN she went out to her car and came back inside with a bottle of wine from her car--and proceeded to sit there at my table and drink it!

I should have had the BALLS then to say "this is not okay, you need to leave." But I didn't. I listened to her cry and I encouraged her to go back to school, get a job, do something with her life--and most of all stop drinking! (Keep in mind she had driven to our house from her town which is about 20-25 miles away.)

SS and DD were playing and not really paying attention to any of this. Around 7 pm I finally said "look, the kids need to take baths, and do homework and get to bed so I really think you need to go." I asked her if she wanted to call a ride and she said she was fine---this is actually when I made her the coffee.

So I put my DD in the bath and then BM started to say goodbye to SS. At this point, she was REALLY drunk, she tripped over our dog bowl and about wiped out. Slurring, rocking back and forth, it was BAD. She kissed SS and he immediately recoiled and told her to leave--he KNEW something was up! He stalked off to his room and she followed him. I heard them talkign and then BM called me to come in there. I went in and what happened next floored me again.

BM glared at me and said that SS told her I "beat him and spank him all the time. Why would he say that?" SS was crying now, sobbing that he wanted to go with his mom. I reassured BM that I have NEVER spanked SS or "beat him" or anything of the sort. Good God. I am a gentle, loving and kind mother. I have swatted my own DD's butt maybe 2-3 times in her life! We really are not a spanking family. AUUUGHHHH. This is what SS has always done---he wants to get a rise of out his mom and he lies. He has accused DH of spanking him, accused my DD of biting/hitting/etc and now he is accusing me. It's all some weird attention-getting thing---and he does it because it works.

I asked SS to describe one time when I have spanked him--and of course, he couldn't. He just kept saying "I want to go with my mom, you spanke me all the time." :( I have NEVER EVER spanked him.

So BM flipped out and told me she was taking him with her. At this point, my DD was out of the bath and crying, asking what was going out, as was SS. I hustled DD to her room and put her in bed with a movie on...so THANK GOD she was spared from seeing what happened next.

BM was heading out to the car with SS and I went out and had to tell her that if she drove off with him, I would call the police. I told her I am responsible for him when DH is not here and that in her drunken state, I could NOT let her drive with him. SS was standing in the backseat sobbing and begging me to just let him go with his mom. It was AWFUL. I was crying and BM was just ENRAGED. She told me to "back the f-k up" and that she was going to "kick my ass" if I called the police. Then she started to back down the drivway---so I called 911 on my cell. She saw me on the phone at that point and went NUTS. Took the keys out of the ignition and threw them to the ground. Then she grabbed a crying SS and put him out of the car. Then she CAME AT ME and punched me in the nose! I mean, seriously punched me! I have NEVER been punched before. Luckily, I turned my head so she hit the side of my nose-- if she'd hit it dead on, I think it would have broken it. As it is, it is all swollen and tender on the one side, and I am sure it will be bruised tomorrow. It hurts so bad--I can feel it pulsating! :(

I am ashamed to admit--I was terrified! I am not a violent person, and BM has an absolutely psycho temper---I ran from her into the house and yes, she ran after me screaming that she was going to kick my @$$. I slammed the door and called DH hysterically and told him what happened, he said that he was calling the police and on his way home immediately---then of course my DD came running out of her room asking what was going on. AWFUL. Then I decided I couldn't leave SS outside with BM in the driveway b/c she might try to take off with him again. So I went outside to get him and he was out there sobbing and screaming at his mom to not hurt ME. I know it's awful, but a part of me was sooo touched that he would stick up for me. Well then BM came at me again--she came flying across the drivway at me shouting that she was going to kill me. I ran back inside again b/c honestly--she is SUCH a lunatic I honestly AM afraid of her. One good blow to the head and really, she could kill me. As I ran inside, I dropped my cell phone and BM picked it up and (according to SS stomped on it and chucked it in the mud,) BLESS his heart, later on when the cops were there, little SS brought me my broken cellphone and told me he wants to buy me a new one for my birthday.

He later told DH he has never seen his mom act like that, she acted like someone he didn't know. :(

So the cops arrived and talked to me, and to BM. They ultimately decided that I should take SS back inside the house and BM would be driven to the police station and someone could come pick her up.

DH arrived at some point and asked about pressing charges. They said I could but that honestly, with no real physical damage, it would not amount to anything. She cold cocked me but there's no blood, my nose isn't broken, etc---we'll see if it's bruised tomorrow.

They did suggest I get a restraining order--I think I will.

DH called the GAL from the court case tonight and left a vmail saying it's an emergency, and to call him tomorrow.

what do you all think? Is there anything DH and I can do to protect SS?

It is AWFUL--he sobbed to me and to DH about how it was all his fault for saying those things about me, and how he wants to take them back. He was so afraid his mom was going to jail and so afraid that I was hurt.


I am SO F-ING PISSED that this went on in MY home and that SS saw so much. And I am REALLY ANGRY that my DD saw even a glimmer of it. This is NOT what I was raised to live with and I will be damned if my daughter is going to experience this stuff! I know it might sound heartless, but she is SS's mother---so to some extent, he is always going to be affected by her. I can only do so much about that. But my daughter has nothing to do with this! I am so angry! I really even considered leaving my DH tonight---I was THAT angry. I will do WHATEVER I have to do to protect my child from this stuff.

What to do? How can we prevent this from happening again? How can we protect SS?

The courts/police are worthless. DH asked the cops to give her a breathalyzer and they said she wasn't driving, so they couldn't do anything. They could not even arrest her for assaulting me---because SHE told them I hit her. HA. Even SS saw the whole thing and told the police that his mom hit me! All I did was put my hands in front of my face and run!

AUUUGHHHHH. I am devastated.

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first thing... sending you hugs!!!

Second thing... Your SS told his mom that because he wanted her to take him with her. He knew she 'needs' him (or felt she does) and he probably felt it's his responsibility to look after her and take care of her when she's like that. How truly awful for a 6 or 7 year old!!! He wasn't trying to get you in trouble, he wanted to protect his mom from herself and like many children of alcoholics, we become enablers and co-dependents or caretakers. Cut him some slack for that... poor guy wanted to 'mediate' so he stuck up for you when he realized he could not control the situation. He loves you and that's obvious! He needs you and he knows it... he knows you will still love him even after he said those awful things about you. He is now wracked with guilt because he knows it hurt you.

He really needs to know that none of it was his fault and it will take repeatedly telling him. As a child of an alcoholic, I stayed with my mom to 'take care' of her because I felt she needed me. Your SS needs to be reminded often that it's NOT his job to take care of mom and he has no control over what mom chooses to do, she's a grown up, he's just a kid.

Personally, I would have pressed charges but I get why you didn't. I would immediately file for a protective order and seek, at least temporary, full custody of SS. Your DH needs to have a court mandate BM to counseling, AA or some other help before allowing SS to be exposed to her alcoholism for a week at a time. SS is being damaged by witnessing her drinking and he's already displaying dysfunctional behavior for a child his age. He needs to be allowed to just be a kid. Unfortunately, until BM gets it together and promotes that, it's probably going to be in SS's best interest to have limited contact with her. SS might need to be in counseling as well if he isn't already.

My mom is an alcoholic that stopped drinking but never got treatment. She is just a dry drunk now and just as dysfunctional in her thinking as she was when she was drinking.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 12:56AM
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This was truly awful. Its upsetting when police look the other way -- they knew she was going to drive drunk. At a minimum they could have given her a deserving the peace citation.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 8:11AM
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Thanks Ima. I appreciate the cyber hug!

I totally agree with you about SS wanting to take care of BM. My mom is a recovering alcoholic. My situation was different as my mom was more of a "lock yourself in the bedroom, drink a gallon of vodka until you pass out" type of drunk. She was pretty non-confrontational, although there are a couple of incidents that I will NEVER forget. It makes me sick that this incident last night is forever imprinted on SS.

He woke up this morning and the first thing he said to me was "why was my mom so mean to you last night? She was acting cuckoo" and he did the little crazy motion by his head. SIGH. Then he asked me if I was angry at her. IKES. I didn't know what to say. I want to send BOTH our kids a message that YES, if someone comes into your home and VIOLATES you like that, tries to drive DRUNK with one of them and then puches me--DAMN right you should be ANGRY.

I just told him that I was angry at what happened but that was NOT angry at him.

What should DH do today? He called the GAL last night but court is over, this whole thing has been settled. He is going to call his attorney at 9 AM sharp and see what she says.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 8:15AM
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KKNY, I know. It is so upsetting. It makes me angry that she really would have to have hurt SS before anything would happen. DH was saying it was a shame in a way that she hadn't at least gotten down the street with SS in the car--we live off a long winding road, and there is only one way in and out of our subdivision. BM would have run into the police on their way. THEN they would have been able to arrest her for DWI AND child endangerment.

It makes me so mad that someone can ADMIT, like she did to the police, that she was going to drive DRUNK with her kid in the car---but just because I stopped her, she doesn't get in trouble. GRRRRRRR.

The system is messed up. You have to hurt a child before anyone will really do anything.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 8:23AM
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She didn't get in trouble by the police... that doesn't mean the family court Judge will agree with what the police did. I would file for a temporary custody order, especially since she did create a situation that her child was endangered. She punched you trying to put her child in the car to drive with him while she was intoxicated. The police took her to the police station to be picked up, which should be documented. (what happened to her car?) I can't think of a better time to get a temporary order but that means re-filing for court all over again. This time you have it documented. If the court looks the other way... THAT would be frustrating~ but if your husband looks the other way and sends him back without any consequence or being held accountable, she will continue and it sounds as if her drinking is escalating.

I wish my mom would have locked herself in her room. There were nights the police would stop her and escort her home instead of arresting her. (that was back in the 80's when MADD was fairly new and cops really looked the other way) Even so, she had at least two accidents and three DUI's that I know of. (One DUI resulted by her assaulting the EMT that tried to treat her lip when she hit it on the steering wheel when she drove off the road. To this day, she blames my older sister for that DUI because she called the EMT when my mom staggered into the house with a bloody face. If my sister hadn't called EMT's, she would have just slept it off. Her car was in the ditch a few blocks from home so she had walked home. My sister was 14 at the time, she's 42 now and mom still blames her.) I really pray for your DH to get his son out of that situation... it's too easy to turn the other way. My dad had NO IDEA how awful it was... but he knew she got drunk (it's one of the reasons HE left) and really, he should have forced me to go with him instead of allowing me to choose. I was 12 and that is still not old enough to choose if it's for the wrong reasons. Someone needs to be a voice for the child and if your DH isn't it, maybe it has to be you.

Your ss may also worry that you are angry at his mom or hate her. Again, it's important for him to know you are angry at the behavior, not the person. She needs help and hope she gets it. and it's not the alcohol's fault... she CHOOSES to drink... she CHOOSES to not get help... she is responsible for the results of her choices. It's so hard to know what to say and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells. If you can, maybe look into Al-Anon for you and your DH... (yeah, I know.. who has time?) But look into it if you can...

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 8:54AM
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Love, Awful, sorry sorry sorry for you...Restraining order , most definetly,and I do think you should have insisted on charges...If the patrolman wouldnt take your report, I would have gone to the station and talked to a supervisor..In my state if there is any sign of injury, that person is arrested, red face from slap, bruise, whatever, that is a rule, not a guideline. I m surprised thats not standard everywhere....And I so understand when you said I even felt like leaving DH...Sigh, DH is an innocent party to this mess, but I see the rage that he is indirectly responsible for bringing this horrible woman into your life and foisting her into your also innocent daughters life..As for SS,looks like he has a long hard road to cope with having her as a mother. Again sorry you went thru this...

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 10:07AM
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I am sorry you and the children were exposed to this. Most of all I feel sorry for your SS. What kind of thing she must have said to him for him to make up the lie especially right after he recoiled and told her to leave. Poor boy.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 10:08AM
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He probably recoiled and told her to leave to make her feel guilty so she wouldn't leave. It works temporarily.. she follows him to the room because she doesn't want to feel guilty and leave when their child is angry at them. But then he's cornered... he doesn't want mom to think he's 'really' angry at her so he makes up something so horrendous that she HAS to either stay to protect him or take him with her...

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 11:26AM
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I am so sorry that you all had to go through this! What an awful thing to deal with.

I hope the the GAL will help your dh to keep his son away from bm till she gets the help she needs. It sounds like her decision making skills are non existant at this point and she is capable of doing some real damage to that boy. Thank god you were able to prevent her from driving off with him!

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 12:02PM
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DH and I went into court this morning and I was able to get an order of protection. It's a temporary deal, until the court date, but our attorney says I will have no problem getting it made into a full, year long order. I have bruising around my left eye---it's not quite a black eye, as it more extends onto the upper portion of my nose. But there is clearly swelling and damage. We took a couple pics and will take more if it gets worse.

DH tried to get an order of protection on behalf of his son. I am shocked to say he did NOT get it. AUUGHHH. He got a hearing date for 2 weeks from today. They basically said a judge really can't overturn the custody order that is already in place; so things will have to stay status quo until the court date.

BUT DH is filing for full temporary custody. He/we had a long talk with his STELLAR attorney this morning and this is what she is recommending. Honestly, DH really does NOT want full custody--he does NOT want to take his son away from his mom and KNOWS it is in his son's best interest for his mom to get HELP. What DH hopes to accomplish is to back BM into a corner and FORCE her into a treatment program.

The AWESOME thing is--we have police documentation now! I got to see a copy of the report from last night and we are getting it to our attorney. The report CLEARLY states that BM gave up her custodial night to DH/me because she was intoxicated. It states she showed up at our home and tried to take her son and that the police were called. It says she was escorted to the police station and her husband picked her up. It also states that "the boy was left in his STEPMOTHER'S custody." WOOHOO. Finally--we have something documented showing her alcoholic behavior. This is GOOD.

Really, what the attorney said is that we will push for DH to have full temp. custody while BM completes some sort of alcohol/addiction program. She might have limited/supervised visitation during that time period. The ultimate goal is to get her some HELP and to protect SS in the meantime.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 3:35PM
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That's good news. Maybe this is for the good in the long run. I do feel sorry for your ss. What a horrible night for him.

I hope your eye shows enough trauma for it to be taken seriously. (not that you are hurt...) but some people just don't bruise and it doesn't make the experience any less.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 3:41PM
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That is good news Hadley --
It sounds like a horrible, nasty night, and like (IMO) all in all, you handled things very well.

I don't know how others will feels about this, but I'm inclined to tell SS that his mother was drunk and that she has a problem with alcohol. Don't be vicious or accusing about it (not that you would) -- but don't sugar-coat it either. It will explain his mother's actions (otherwise he'll have to invent some kind of explanation) and will open doors for honest conversations. Of course, Dad has to agree...

I do like the Al-Anon suggestion for all --

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 4:27PM
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As sweeby said, tell him his mother was drunk.

He needs the ability to protect himself, to know to refuse to get in the car with her when she's been drinking, to run get a teacher or other adult if she insists or tries to force him.

Telling someone his mother is "sick" sounds like the nice thing to do, but it leaves him vulnerable & "protects" him from the knowledge he needs to protect himself.

I'm just incredulous that the police didn't think getting punched in the nose is not assault simply because the victim avoided a broken nose.

I'd call the chief of police first, & then my state's attorney general's office;

I *think* you can file charges of assault or battery or something if someone touches you in a hostile manner.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 5:44PM
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"I'm just incredulous that the police didn't think getting punched in the nose is not assault simply because the victim avoided a broken nose"

YEP. I am actually more pissed about it, the more time that goes by. I don't really know what BM said to the police because they talked to me inside and she was out in the driveway. I know she was claiming I HIT HER first which pisses me off because I didn't hit her AT ALL. I covered my face with my hands and ran! LOL. Even SS saw everything that happened and was screaming/crying at his mom to not hurt me. TRUST ME, as loyal as he is to her, if I had hit her, he would have been yelling at ME.

But according the cops--it's a "domestic issue" and they told me it's always he said/she said. It also made me angry because one of the cops (there were, like 6 or 7 of them) said "well, if she is so drunk, why'd you let her in the house?" UGH. I let her in and didn't call the police to avoid a SCENE like the one we had! Granted, in hindsight, I shouldn't have let her in--but she was sobbing at the backdoor and then SS SAW her. :( It all worked out really badly. I did the best I could under the circumstances. That one cop was kind of rude to me, I thought, but the others were all pretty nice. The last one to leave did tell me that I have 6 months to press charges. He didn't really say I should or shouldn't, but just said it was an option but that in domestic situations, it is hard to get anything to stick.

I am angry the police were not more helpful to ME. MY house, MY driveway, MY yard--she's DRUNK, and I'm SOBER, taking care of two children. Let's see.....who is in the wrong here?

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 6:12PM
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(((LoveHadley))) this is just sooo awful. I wish the police were more helpful to you. Can you still press charges? I wish you would have in the first place. It sounds like BM is losing control of herself. What if the next time her target is SS and alone?

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 6:43PM
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I'm stunned.

What a f8cking mess. (I don't usually cuss like that on this board, but in this case, I think it's an appropriate adjective).

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 6:45PM
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The whole thing is just appalling. I'm so sorry all this went down the way it did, and I really hope that the upcoming court stuff goes smoothly. You, your husband, and both kids deserve for something to go right after all this mess.

I think if anything like that ever happened to me, I'd be sorely tempted to get some security cameras so that there would be a recording of her behavior every time she showed up at the door. Because I think if she's so out of control that she drives drunk and acts like that, a restraining order isn't going to stop her from coming over if she takes it into her head to do so.

I hope the rest of your week is a lot better.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 7:57PM
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Oh Love, I don't have much to add but another hug. I can understand why you let her in, even against your better judgment. It's the same need to make everything good and right I share that makes us stick our necks out at the glimmer of a connection - the potential for some understanding between moms that might lead to an improved relationship. I've had it figuratively thrown in my face before, but never literally! I'm so sorry!!

Push as hard as you can for your SS. His mom may 'need' him as her motivation to sober up, but he should have been her motivation all these years. He doesn't deserve to have that weight on his shoulders, and she needs to find it within herself to change. He shouldn't have to suffer along with her.

I also agree he should know the difference between sick and drinking. Having a cold isn't an excuse for behaving like she did, but he can't see the difference at this age. Sick is sick. It can be put into simple terms so he knows it's a specific illness that causes this, but he needs to understand it is by her choice. There really are NO excuses for the way she behaved.

Please keep us updated. I'm worries for you all.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 1:06AM
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OMG Love that is just unreal. I'm reading your story through tears, how awful that this happened to all of you. Just sending you big hugs tonight, BIG BIG hugs

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 4:59AM
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Acting like she did is exactly how you end up with full custody. I too want to send hugs but also want to add, you got your EPO now use it!! If she brakes the order do not hesitate to call the police before she has a chance to do more damage. DO CALL the police at the first sight of her within 300 yards(or whatever the order states) of you drunk or not. An EPO is only a piece of paper, and only as strong as you allow it to be. She got served with a copy she knows what the order is. She will not take it serious if you don't.

My EX didn't with the one I had on him. He stalked me like nobody knows. I finally went and got a concealed deadly weapon permit and the boys on visit bragged to my EX that I had got it and that I got all my shots in the Kill Zone. They didn't know why I got it and HE didn't know I never carried anything but he didn't show up were he wasn't allowed anymore.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 10:52AM
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Wife beating used to be a "domestic issue" & the police wouldn't "get involved".

& anyway...
you're not married to this person, & she was at your home.

This woman *hit* you;
set up an in-person meeting with the chief of police & take your husband with you, call the attorney general's office, & consult an attorney.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 11:52AM
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oh I first read the other thread and couldn't understand it. I see what happened. i am so sorry. You need to file a restraining order, press charges, document and file for full custody. unbelivable. she was in your home, drunk trying to drive drunk wiht a child and punched you. unbelivable. so sorry.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 1:17PM
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