am i being too sensitive?

newtothis2010April 1, 2010

i have been seeing a divorced man with a 7 year old child and shares custody with the ex 80/20 (child is home with him 5 days out of 7). the ex never worked and received a very large settlement as part of the divorce. he contacts her with regards to their child together which i understand. but he also offers investment advice to the ex.

recently, the ex has asked to spend an extra day with the child (first time ever in the two years i have known the man) as child and father are going on spring break together (mother has priority but did not take up on wanting to spend child\'s time off with child. the father agrees and decides to drop the child off after his after school activities. instead, i suggested may be it is a good time for the mother to be involved in the child\'s activities. mother agrees, but under the pretense she tags along with the nanny who does the shuttling. why can\'t a grown woman take a child from point a to point b without the help of a nanny which the father employs? to add more drama to this, father agrees to provide nanny help on the days when the child is with the mother? and the mother does not work?

am i too sensitive or is the dad crossing boundary with respect to fostering a new relationship while keeping his old one alive?

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txnursingqt

Just my opinion here but I think you are being too sensitive. Obviously the dad and the BM are able to compromise and work things out, since he got to have the child during spring break and now they agreed on her taking the child an extra day.

I know you were trying to be helpful with your suggestion to that the BM join in the activities and I don't know you or the entire situation but just from what you said I think you need to stay out of the business concerning the child. It is between the parents.

I am a new SM and I don't even get involved in things like that. And I think it is great that your DH gives her investment advice, that is if she is asking for it. It would be much worse if they were at each others throats and fighting all the time but it sounds like they can get along and make decisions to benefit the child.

You know I am not trying to be rude here at all but you are just seeing this guy and you are not even married to him. I do not think that it should be your concern what goes on with the child.

You might be a little jealous since you asked if he is crossing a boundary and if he is keeping the old relationship alive. Nothing from your post hints to me that he is still involved with the ex-wife.

Personally I do think that the mother should be able to take care of her own kid but maybe there is some reason she does not feel comfortable with the kid alone. You say she only has the child on weekends so there is some reason the father got custody and she did not or that they don't have joint custody. Maybe you just don't know the whole story.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2010 at 12:46AM
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silversword

Agreed 100% TX.

One question you asked:

"...am i too sensitive or is the dad crossing boundary with respect to fostering a new relationship while keeping his old one alive?"

What does this have to do with you at all? He has to keep the old relationship alive. That's how it works when you have kids together. You are tied to that person for life, and the more you can maintain a good one, the better off everyone will be, including your future spouse.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2010 at 1:21PM
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finedreams

even though it sounds weird to provide a nanny for a woman who does not work, it is clearly their business, and you should stay out of it. you should not be concerned with who picks up his kid, mom, dad or a nanny.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2010 at 1:34PM
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lonepiper

As a stepmom, I'd say you should probably stay out of it and try to change your feelings in regards to the matter as the situation will most likely never change. Try to think of it as your BF doing all those things (i.e., large settlement, investment advice, nanny, etc.) for the sole benefit of his child, NOT his ex. No reason to feel jealous, insecure or upset.

As a woman, I'm rolling my eyes at the pampered princess and secretly wishing that I was your BF's ex!!

    Bookmark   April 1, 2010 at 9:11PM
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mom2emall

I think that if they agree to things and are able to keep things calm then you should leave it alone. I do agree that it is insane that the mother needs the assistance of a nanny to take care of her 7 year old. But for the sake of peace sometimes it is necessary to let the little things go. My dh is just so happy to have custody of his children that he tries not to make waves and sweat the small stuff.

    Bookmark   April 2, 2010 at 7:20PM
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