Muy distruntled

gerinaApril 13, 2009

I'm a bit disgruntled with DH right now. Last week his DD (21) asked him if she could have a dog. It belonged to a relative of BM, and the relative's new apt. would not allow pets. This dog was getting bounced around to various homes, so he said "yes" and gave her rules. I came home from work and surprise to me, a dog. We already have a dog and I wouldn't have objected, but I wasn't consulted; hence, my semi-irritation. I didn't want to say anything because I would rather chose my battles and since I wouldn't have said no...

So, here we are last night about 10:30pm and DD asked if she could invite her entire BF's family over for Easter dinner. Thank goodness we didn't have enough food to feed that many people and DH said no. I could tell that if we had a full-size ham instead of our small one or additional meat to thaw, a lasagna or something else in the freezer, he would have told her ok without asking me first. I asked him if I heard DD correctly last night about inviting everyone and he confirmed it. I felt that I couldn't say, "you need to consult me before saying yes" because he had told her that there wasn't enough food and it would have been like I was picking a fight.

I don't believe that it occurs to him that he needs to discuss things with me that concern his DD's and our home. I think he sees them as two separate items. His kids, our home. Has anyone else experienced this situation? I obviously need to approach the subject with him at some point, but I know I also have to tread very lightly because he may feel that I am overstepping my bounds. I don't care what he does regarding his kids, but if I am involved then I should have some input.

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hello gerina, Yes, I have experienced this many times with DH and my 2 adult SKs. It really is disrespectful to the womam of the house and it gives the SKs the idea that SM really does not have a say in her own home. Over the years DH has come to realize that our home is just that "our" (DH and my) home. My SKs have never helped with anything in our home that we built together and paid for together.

They are welcome to come and visit, but I need to be consulted regarding things that go on in our home. I do not know how your relationship is with your SKs, however, my SKs have never really acknowledged me as someone who matters or has a say regarding DH and my relationship and life.

Over the years they have stolen things of mine from our home and thought it was just fine to do so. When I would talk to DH about something missing he would always say I must have miss placed it. It was sooo very frustrating. I finally put my foot down and no longer allow them in my home unless we are around. Remember they are adults. Also, they have gone through my financial papers and I am sure report back to BM. They often talk with BM who tells them to call DH asking questions regarding financial items that they really should not be asking. I have overheard DH say to the SK what do you need to know that for? or that was years ago why are you asking? It is ovious to me why they are asking because BM and the SKs are worried about DH's money.

My advise is to put your foot down and discuss with DH the need to talk with you first regarding things that will go on in your (Dh and you) home. You have a right to know and it is disrespectful not to include you in decisions that go on in your home. Best of luck.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2009 at 9:38AM
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If you approach it now... using Easter as an example of how it affects you and your home, it could make him aware of how to deal with it in the future. How you approach it is going to determine if he feels you are picking a fight or avoiding one. and talking about things about what to do in the future is trying to avoid problems. It does sound like he does see it as two different things but it needs to be pointed out how they are related. The best way is to put him in the passenger seat. Ask him how he would feel if you obligated him in some way without consulting him... or made decisions regarding your home without consulting him, that it's not about his children, but it is about your house and his respect for you as a partner. Would it be any different if he decided to invite his best friend from college to stay with you for a week without asking?

    Bookmark   April 13, 2009 at 10:08AM
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I semi-tried to approach the subject yesterday morning, but I was not as direct as I wanted to be because I thought that he would feel it a personal attack on his ability to make decisions regarding his first family. I did tell him that his DD cannot spring this on us last minute and that I was certainly not in the mood to entertain a house full of dinner guests. I was hoping that by stating that point that it would have led to a deeper discussion, but in hindsight, I should not have pussy-footed around the subject.

Yes, Sunny, the SK's completely don't think I have a say.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2009 at 10:47AM
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